Chapter 54 Dream
fifty-four
Dream
Deep, even breathing comes from my bed. Moonlight illuminates the form that’s lying there.
His face is mostly in shadow, but the spike of his military short hair, the cut of his jaw, the curve of his lips are all as familiar as my own face.
I watch him sleeping for a long moment. My frantic forward momentum ceases.
I’m mesmerized by the figure asleep on my bed.
The need to curl up next to him is overwhelming. I force myself to take a step back.
The floorboard creaks. His eyes fly open. He sits up.
It’s too late to run.
His expression changes from wary, too shocked, to confused, and then to a strange sort of acceptance.
“Jess,” he whispers my name. “What are you doing here?”
“I came for my passport. I was going to…what are you doing here?”
“We’re going fishing in the morning. Tyler’s friend is sleeping in the rec room. I didn’t want to take Matt’s bed...” he trails off. “I have to ask. Is this a dream?”
A giggle spills out from the storehouse of emotions I’ve held back for so long. That he's here, and I'm here—the whole situation is unbelievable. But also not. Jacob always finds me. Somehow he always manages to be there when I need him most. “I think maybe it is.”
“Then I don’t want to wake up,” he says.
I don’t know how to answer that. “I’m sorry I woke you up. I just need to find my passport and then I’ll go.”
“Go? Go where? Why do you need your passport?” He slides his legs off the edge of the bed.
“Back to school.” I know that’s not what he’s asking.
“Tonight?” The concern on his face is familiar. “Jess, did you drive all the way here this late, and now you’re going to drive all the way back?”
“Yes.” I set my chin. This whole interaction feels familiar. My wanting to do something I know is dumb and probably dangerous, Jacob telling me I’m being an idiot.
“I can do it. I’m not even tired.” But as soon as I say it, I am tired. More than just I packed all day and drove five hours in the middle of the night tired. I’m the entire world has been weighing on me for so long, and I just want to curl up in a ball and make it go away tired.
“You are tired.” He stands. “At least get a few hours. I’ll go down to the couch or...”
“I don’t want to kick you out of your bed,” I say.
He laughs. “Actually, you’re kicking me out of your bed.”
“I guess you’re right.” I don’t have the energy to do anything else, so I sink onto my bed.
He sits beside me. “You want to talk about what’s going on, Jess?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, why are you driving home in the middle of the night to get your passport? Why are you sneaking in and trying to sneak out? Why didn’t you tell anyone you were coming home?”
I open my mouth to tell him that’s none of his business, but a strange compulsion to tell him everything takes over. “I was going to go away. Actually, I guess I was going to run away.”
“Was?” Jacob says.
“Yeah. I told Michael I would go with him to Korea. He arranged an apartment and plane tickets and everything. We’re leaving Sunday. I quit my job, quit school, packed up my apartment, and then I realized I didn’t have my passport, so I came to get it.”
“Are you sure that’s what you want?” There’s no judgment in Jacob’s voice, only concern.
“I thought it was.”
"Thought?"
I recognize the hesitation in my voice. “I have this really obnoxious roommate. She’s a psych major, and she keeps getting after me to do counseling. She thinks I have issues I need to work through. Basically, she thinks I’m crazy.”
“And what do you think?” Jacob asks.
“I told her I’m fine. I have a good job, I get good grades, I have a guy who wants to fly me halfway across the world and pay for an apartment in another country, so we don’t have to be apart.”
He puts his hand over mine, but the gesture isn’t romantic, not like when he kissed me before. He’s not asking me for anything. I turn my hand over and thread my fingers through his. “I didn’t ask you what you told your roommate. I asked you what you thought.”
“Oh, that?” I force a half-crazed smile. “I know I’m crazy. The problem is, I don’t know how to be un-crazy.”
“But you think going to Korea with Michael will help?” There’s still no judgment or jealousy in his voice. It’s like he’s taken on the role of big brother again, a role I hated for him, but one that feels right.
At least for now.
“I thought it would.” There's that hesitation again. I'm doubting every motive I had for running away, even the idea that I'm trying to protect him. I'm still afraid, but with him beside me, that fear seems like something I made up.
“And now?”
“And now I’m not sure. I’m just...” I take a breath, not sure how to express everything that's racing through my mind. “Something has to change, Jacob. I can’t keep living like this. It’s like I’ve built my walls up so high that I can’t let anyone else in.
I created a prison for myself, and I don’t know how to escape. ”
He sits in silence for a long time, just holding my hand. I’m afraid of what he’s going to say, but I’m dying for something; for him to give me advice, or yell at me. Maybe even kiss me again so I know if I still feel something.
He squeezes my hand. “It took a long time for you to build those walls. They’re not going to come down easily, and you won't be able to do it by yourself.” He stares down at our hands clasped together.
“I might be biased on this one, but I don’t think running to the other side of the world is the answer either.
There are people here who love you, people who want to help, but maybe we’re too close to help.
Michael might even be too close to help. ”
“Where does that leave me?” I feel very alone, even with him beside me. He just confirmed that no one can help me, not even him. He must have moved on, even if I can't.
“I think your roommate is right. It’s time to stop pretending everything is okay when it isn’t. It’s time to stop running. Maybe it’s time to let the past catch up with you, so you can feel everything you’ve been avoiding. Let yourself hurt so you can heal.”
I stare at the pool of moonlight on the floor in front of me. I look down at Jacob’s hand holding mine. Finally, I look at him.
“I think you might be right.”