Chapter 55 Jacob Moving On
fifty-five
Jacob: Moving On
Another weekend. Another bar. I glance around and take in the scenery.
Familiar. Women in tight jeans or short skirts, low-cut blouses, too much makeup, sitting in pairs or groups, drinking and looking around casually—trying to look like they aren’t looking.
The guys are in jeans and t-shirts, less obviously dressed to attract interest—more obviously looking, looking for their next conquest.
I guess I’m one of them now—part of the problem. The whole thing has become a game to me, a game I’m tired of.
It’s almost been almost six months since Jess showed up like some kind of dream when I was sleeping in her bedroom.
I thought we’d connected, that I’d helped her.
I thought she’d stay home, and we’d work things out, that things would be good between us again.
That I could help her get better. Even if it meant we had to start over as friends.
By the time I came back, she was gone. Her message was obvious. “I’ll never get better with you around.”
I decided it was time to move on.
I’ve done everything I can to forget her.
I don’t go to her house anymore or hang out with her family, not even Tyler.
I spend a lot of time in places like this and with a lot of different women.
I got a new car—a Dodge Charger with a custom paint job, screaming green with black stripes over the hood—almost as obnoxious and irresponsible as the car I used to drive.
I avoid anything and everything that might remind me of her.
I pretend that it’s working.
I scan the crowd. A redhead catches my eye—pretty face, nice body, nice smile. Her hair is short and curly. At first glance there’s nothing about her that reminds me of Jess.
I buy her a drink and we talk. Her name is Angel or Angelina, something like that. She has a little turned-up nose and a sprinkling of freckles. They make her look like a teenager, but I’d guess she’s at least twenty-two. She says she’s a college student. That she’s only here for the weekend.
I dance with a few other women, talk to some at the bar before I go back to the redhead. She’s only in town for a couple of days, easier to spend tonight with her without it needing to be more.
She’s friendlier, more talkative the second time I come around. She asks me a lot of questions about the Army, about my family, about Iraq. It's easy to talk to her, like she knows me already.
A slow and romantic song comes on, so I lead her to the little dance floor. I pull her close. Her lips look inviting. I make my move. Her finger on my lips stops me. “Before you do that, I think you should know who I am.”
“I know who you are,” I laugh, trying to sound casual. “You’re Angela…” Damn, did she tell me her last name? I can’t remember.
“Angelica. But I don’t mean my name, Jacob. I meant who I am.”
She’s trying to be coy or pretending to be deep. I don’t know. I’ll play along. “Okay. Who are you?”
“I’m Jess Roberts' roommate.”
I step backward. She has to grab my elbow to keep me from tripping over the couple behind us.
“I came here with Taryn.” She nods towards a table set back at the edge of the room. I barely recognize the woman sitting there. She’s cut her hair, and she wears a lot more make-up, but it’s definitely Taryn, one of Jess’s high school friends.
I stop pretending to dance. Only one question crosses my mind: “How is she?”
“Better,” Angelica answers firmly. “A lot better than she was.”
“I’m glad to hear that.” I am glad, but it also hurts, because it confirms what I thought before, that as long as I’m around, Jess couldn’t heal.
“She’s had a lot of stuff to work through, but at least she’s honest about it now. She dropped a few classes, she's seeing a counselor, and she even took up yoga. She still runs a lot, eats and sleeps not very much, but she smiles more. She even laughs sometimes.”
“That’s good.” I’m ready to end this conversation, go back to the bar and drown my feelings another way, but one more question is eating at me. “What about her boyfriend?”
“Michael? He’s in Korea now, but I’m not sure you could still call him her boyfriend.”
My heart gives an involuntary leap. “Why not?”
“They had a big fight before he left. When she called to tell him she wasn’t moving with him.
He told her she was immature and selfish, that she’d led him on and made him blow a lot of money on her.
She told him he’d never taken the time to figure out who she was or what she actually wanted, that he was only interested in the person he was trying to make her into. ”
“You heard all of that?” I’m thinking that Jess’ roommate has a big mouth for a psych major. Something I’m grateful for right now.
“Some of it I heard. They were both pretty loud. Other stuff she told me later. We’ve gotten close.
I think her telling him off was the catalyst for her getting better.
One night she was packing up everything she owned to run away with him.
Two days later, she called to tell him where to get off.
I don’t know where she got the courage.”
A grin plays around the corners of my mouth. Maybe my conversation with Jess had more of an effect than I thought.
“They kind of got over it. He apologized, and she promised to be more honest with him. But she’s not.
He still calls her almost every night, but a lot of times she texts him she’s working late when she isn’t.
She doesn’t act like she misses him. Not like you’d think she’d miss the guy she’s engaged to. ”
My heart stops. “Engaged?”
“Well, engaged-to-be engaged according to him.”
“But she doesn’t have a ring?”
Angelica shakes her head. “No. They have a weird relationship. Michael is he’s used to getting what he wants and telling other people what to do. Kind of a control freak. That doesn't work for Jess. At least, not the way it did before.”
Something like hope bubbles up inside me. I work to push it aside, but despite everything, it’s still there. “Has she ever said anything about me?”
“Not at first. At first, she wouldn’t even tell me about Matt. She was…I don’t know, shut down. Like all there was in her life was school and her work at the hospital. It took some work, but I got her to talk to me.”
“But she told you about me?”
“I asked her who you were after…” she hesitates, like now she realizes she’s said too much.
“After?” I prod.
“The first time I heard your name was Jess talking in her sleep.”
I’m floored. “She said my name in her sleep?”
'Yeah."
We're still taking up space on the little dance floor, but I don't care about the annoyed looks we're getting from the people as they try to move around us.
“Why would she say my name?”
“I’d guess she has some unresolved issues when it comes to you.” Angelica looks unsure of herself, like she said too much again. “Things she won’t talk about during the day come out in her sleep. Did she always talk in her sleep?”
“I don’t know.” My head is swimming.
“Maybe it would help her if you two got together and talked things out. She’s here now.”
“Here?” I scan the room
“Sorry, not here, here. She’s at home. I drove up with her from Spokane. I’ve never been on this side of the state. She didn’t want to go out tonight, so I dragged Taryn along, but she’s not much of a–”
“Jess is here,” I repeat. “Do you think I should call her, or stop by?”
Angelica hesitates. “I’m not sure how she would take that. She told her little brother not to tell you she was home.”
“Oh,” my heart falls. She’s still avoiding me.
“But in my semi-professional opinion, you should definitely see her. Whatever was between you two needs to be resolved before she can move on.”
“If I can’t just show up at her house, how do I see her?”
Angelica looks thoughtful. “She’ll be at a wedding all day tomorrow. I could tell you where it is if you wanted to crash it.”