Chapter 58 Below Zero
fifty-eight
Below Zero
Ican’t sleep. I haven't snowboarded in a long time, so I'm tired and sore, but my mind won’t turn off. I keep replaying moments from today—times when Jess let her guard down and let me inside the barrier. Like when I put my arm over the back of the lift and she didn’t move away or when I touched her face in the little grove.
It doesn’t help that I’m acutely aware of her presence in the room next to mine.
I saw when her door was open that our beds are on opposite sides of the same wall.
There are only a few inches separating us.
I touch the wall and think about her lying next to me. No wall between us.
I’m going crazy.
I sit up and slide out of the bed, trying not to wake Tyler up, but I do. He rolls over. “What are you doing, Jake?”
“I can’t sleep. I’m going for a walk.”
“You’re nuts. It’s freezing out there.” He wraps his blanket around himself to prove his point.
I don’t have a response for that, so I just fumble around in the dark for my boots and a shirt, and then open the door to the hallway. A little blue night-light gives enough light to get my bearings. I pause at Jess’ door, listening. I can't even hear her breathing.
I sneak my jacket out of the closet and open the door as quietly as possible. A blast of frigid air hits me, almost making me change my mind. Instead, I zip my coat up to my chin and go out. The moon reflecting off the snow makes it almost as bright as daylight.
I’m walking fast to stay warm and thinking faster, thinking about Jess.
Wondering where we are now. Friends? Can we be more?
If I try to push it, what’s going to happen?
Would she welcome me, or would she push me away like before?
And what’s the story with Stephens? Is she done with him, or on some kind of break?
A voice from somewhere above me interrupts my thoughts. “You lost, soldier?”
I look up. Jess is leaning on the balcony of our condo. I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I didn’t realize I had circled back behind it.
“What are you doing up?” I call back.
“What am I doing up? What are you doing walking around in the middle of the night? Sneaking back from some girls' condo?” She’s too far away to read her expression. I don’t know if she’s teasing me or if she really thinks that’s where I’ve been.
I hold up my hand. “No, nothing like that. I couldn’t sleep.”
“So you decided to go for a below zero stroll?”
“Yeah. What about you?”
“I couldn’t sleep either.” Her hair falls loosely over the balcony, and her face glows in the moonlight like some haunting ghost of girlfriends past.
“You want to come out for a walk?” I ask.
She pulls a blanket around her shoulders. “No way. It’s freezing out there.”
“Can I come up?”
She shrugs. “Sure.”
I want to race up the stairs, but I remember in time that everyone else is sleeping. I open the sliding door quietly and walk out. She’s sitting on a chair with a blanket wrapped around her, looking at the mountains across the road. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”
"Yeah." I answer, but I'm not looking at the mountains. I sit on the chair next to her, lean over and blow on my hands to warm them up. I forgot to grab gloves.
She turns. “You look cold.”
“I am actually.” I look at her blanket. “Will you share?”
She nods. I pull my chair over, but the blanket isn’t long enough to cover both chairs.
She slides to the very edge of her chair.
The seat is wide, but still not big enough for two.
I can only sit next to her on the chair if we both sit sideways with our butts hanging off the side—not very comfortable.
Finally, I pick her up and set her on my lap.
I brace for her reaction. She tucks the blanket around both of us. “Better?”
I wrap my arms around her waist. "Much."
She leans back, looking at the mountains again. “It's so peaceful here. I’m glad I came. Things are so crazy with school and work at the hospital. I guess I needed the time off.”
“What are you doing in your nursing courses?” I want to keep her talking—keep her with me as long as possible.
“Different rotations. Right now we’re doing peds—the pediatric wing. I love it. The kids are great. I think that might be what I want to do when I graduate—work in a pediatric hospital.”
“You’d be good at it.”
“Kids are easier than adults sometimes. But also harder. It breaks my heart to see them sick or hurt.”
“Kids are great.” I’m looking for a way to score points on the kid thing. “I've been hanging out with Little Stevie once a week so Jasmine can take a couple of classes."
Jess shakes her head, and her hair brushes against my cheek. “How are Jasmine and Stevie? He’s almost one, right?”
“Ten months, and a terror, like his dad. Jasmine is talking about going to stay with Mom and Steve so she can get back to college full time.”
"It must be nice to have Little Steve around. Like Gage isn't so far away."
“Yeah. Jasmine is part of our family now, too, kind of the sister we never had. They could never take Gage’s place, but it helps fill the hole.” I don’t mention the other gaping hole, the one that Nathan left.
She leans against me and closes her eyes. I’m wondering if she’s fallen asleep when she lifts her head up and looks at the stars. “Do you think that they’re still out there? Matt and Gage, do you think they still exist somewhere?”
I take a second to think. It's a deep question, one I've thought about myself. “I can’t imagine Gage just fading away. There was too much life in him. Matt too.” I think for a minute, trying to choose my words carefully. “I’ve seen some terrible things—people who lost their families, their homes, everything. But in Iraq, more than at any other time in my life, I knew, there has to be something more than this. Look at the mountains, and the snow, and everything around you. That all didn’t just happen.
Someone is out there making sure it's all taken care of. I think He’s taking care of our brothers too. I don’t believe they’re gone forever.”
“I used to believe that,” Jess says softly. “Now I’m not sure.”
I pull her against me. “Jess, I…”
She pulls away and stands up. “It’s really late. We should go to bed.” She sets the blanket on my lap and turns to go inside.
I sit for a minute more after I watch her go. I wonder what I said that scared her away this time.