Chapter 57 Remembering
fifty-seven
Remembering
Does Jess always ski like this?” I watch her head down the hill as fast and reckless as she made the last two runs.
Tyler shakes his head. “You know Jess. She isn’t afraid, and she’s always been aggressive, but today she’s skiing like she has a death wish.”
I agree. Even though she invited me here, she’s shutting me out again. Her headphones are on, and she’s barely talking. She acts as if she’s alone, and she’s skiing like something’s chasing her.
“I wanted to go to the terrain park, but now I don’t think we should leave her. Someone has to be around to call the ski patrol when she breaks her neck,” Tyler says.
“You go ahead. I’ll stay with her,” I say. Maybe I can get her to open up if it's just us.
He hesitates only for a second. “Okay. I’ll head that way after this run.”
Jess doesn’t even look at me when we get on the ski lift.
She leans back and closes her eyes. Mouthing the words to whatever song she’s listening to.
I put my arm over the back of the ski lift.
I wish I could put it around her shoulders, pull her close.
Ask her what the deal is. Do something to help.
She’s barely paying attention when we reach the top of the mountain.
Maybe that’s why when she stands up she steps on my board.
She starts to wobble so I grab her around the waist and pull her against me.
We’re skiing and boarding at the same time.
We twist, lean in together, and make it just clear of the lift exit point before we fall.
Jess ends up on my lap, her legs twisted around mine.
“Are you okay?” I’m trying to extricate her equipment and her body from mine.
Tyler’s kneeling in the snow, laughing hard.
“What’s so funny?” Jess demands.
“You two,” he gasps, holding his sides. “You couldn’t do that trick again if you tried.”
I look down at the mess of legs and equipment and start laughing too. Jess looks at me indignantly for a second and then laughs too. Now we’re laughing too hard to get untangled. Jess leans against my chest, laughing so hard she’s almost crying. “Ow,” she says between gasps, “this hurts.”
I reach down and pop one of her skis off. She falls. Now she's lying on top of me, her head on my chest. She’s still laughing too hard to move. I wrap my arms around her and pop off the other ski.
“Okay now?” I ask as she pulls away and tries to get up.
“Better,” she answers.
“Anything broken, bruised or crushed?”
She tests her arms and legs, like she’s not sure. “Just my pride. I don’t remember the last time I fell getting off the lift.”
“Me either,” I say.
“You guys looked like such idiots,” Tyler says.
Jess picks up a piece of snow and throws it at him. He catches it and lobs it back. I reach up and bat it away before it hits her.
“You ready to ski this?” I latch my foot into my bindings.
“Ready to kick your butts,” she laughs. “Anytime.” She steps into her skis and starts down the hill while Ty and I are still getting our boards on.
She’s waiting for me by the lift when I reach the bottom. She’s leaning against the fence looking smug. “Told you I’d kick your butt.”
“You cheated. You shoved me down at the top and then took off before I had the chance to put my board on.”
“It was you, knuckle-dragger, who got your board caught under my skis.” I love to see her smile when she says that. She looks like the old Jess.
“Yeah, whatever,” I say.
“So what happened to Ty?”
“He headed to the terrain park.” I wonder how she’s going to feel about skiing with just me.
“You can go with him. I don’t mind skiing alone.”
“I’ll stick with you for a while if you don’t mind. I'm a little old for the terrain park.” I follow as she slides into the back of the line.
“You're not that old. You’re just worried that I’m going to kill myself or someone else.”
“The thought occurred to me. You’re a maniac on skis.”
She shakes her head, but doesn’t answer. When we get on the lift, I sit near the middle, close to her. I’m waiting for her to turn her music back on, but she doesn’t. She leans back and looks away from me.
A shadow moves across her face. I stretch my arm over the back of the chair and touch her shoulder. “You want to talk about it?”
She shakes her head and closes her eyes. “It’s hard to be here. We spent a lot of time on this hill when we were kids. There are just a lot of reminders.” I slide closer and put my arm around her shoulders. She doesn’t say anything else, but she doesn’t move away either.
When we get to the top, she says. “There’s somewhere I need to go. I'll see you at the bottom.”
“I’m going with you.”
She shakes her head and takes off her skis. I plant my board and follow her as she hikes up the mountain. She doesn’t stop me.
I don’t ask her where she’s going, even when she ducks under the out-of-bounds tape and goes into the woods.
I catch up with her just as she reaches a little clearing.
There are trees on one side and a breathtaking view of the mountains on the other.
I don’t know what significance this place has for her.
She’s struggling not to show how much she's hurting.
She takes her helmet and her goggles off. “I almost expected it to be the same.”
I don’t answer. I don’t think she’s talking to me.
She walks over to a tree and kneels down and drags her hand through the snow. She doesn’t move or speak for a long time.
I take a chance and get closer. I put a hand on her shoulder. “What is this place?”
She looks up like she just realized I followed her. “This is where Matt proposed to Kendra. For some reason, I thought it would be the same.” She closes her eyes and leans against the tree. “I keep looking for Matt. I keep thinking he’s got to be here somewhere.”
I kneel next to her in the snow. “Tell me about that day.”
She's quiet for a minute and then nods. “They made a table and chairs. And there were candles, and lights in the trees and champagne, and—” she stops, stands up, and crosses the clearing. A wreath decorated with white roses hangs in the lower branches of a tall pine.
She touches the wreath reverently.
I put my hand on her shoulder. “Did you bring this here?”
She shakes her head. “I don’t know where it came from.”
“Maybe your mom brought it up, or Tyler?”
“They don’t know about this place. It was just Kendra and Matt and me and… Michael,” she turns away from me when she says his name. “They were so happy. Matt had so much ahead of him. How could it all just be over? How can he just be gone?” She stands up. “I shouldn’t have come here.”
I take my glove off and put my hand against her cheek. “It’s okay to remember, Jess, even if it hurts.”
She takes a shaky breath. “That’s what my counselor keeps telling me, but I kept everything buried for so long, I’m not sure I know how to feel,” she pauses and looks directly in my eyes, “about anything.”