Chapter 74 Jess - Old Friends
seventy-four
Jess: Old Friends
My feet hurt and I’m exhausted. Not the good exhausted I used to get after a long run or a productive day. The kind that comes after a bone-wearying day in the ER. The kind that won’t let you sleep, even though your body is screaming for rest.
The tiny one-bedroom basement apartment I moved into is dark and unwelcoming.
It’s cold even in late summer, but it’s cheap, and no one but the old lady who lives above me knows I’m here.
I got a job at a small hospital as an aide, in an out-of-the-way little town not too far from home, but far enough that I don’t think he’ll find me.
Originally, I was going to go home for the summer, so I could be closer to Jacob. Back then I had all kinds of plans for the warmer weather, lots of time with him, maybe even a wedding. Now I have very little to look forward to beyond surviving another semester of school and then graduation.
I rummage through the fridge for something to eat even though I’m not hungry. A buzz from my bedroom sends electric prickles down my spine. It’s coming from my old phone.
I have a new phone and a new number–one I’ve only given to my parents–but I haven’t gotten rid of my old phone yet. I keep trying to convince myself it’s because I might need it for evidence if Brad calls or texts me again, not because it's the last remaining tenuous connection I have to Jacob.
I let it go to voicemail, then go into the bedroom to check. I don’t recognize the caller ID. Whoever it was didn’t leave a message. I move to shove it back into my drawer. It rings again. This time the caller ID is familiar. My heart skips a beat. I know I shouldn’t answer it, but I do.
“Jess, it’s so good to hear your voice.” His voice is familiar and comforting. “Where have you been? I’ve been trying to get hold of you for weeks.”
“Hi Michael. It’s good to hear your voice too.” And it is, maybe because I’ve been so lonely, maybe because Michael has always represented a kind of security to me.
“I’m back in the states and I’d love to see you.”
I hesitate. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I…”
“Just as friends,” he says quickly. “You can bring Jacob. I could get someone to double with.”
“Jacob and I aren’t…” I close my eyes. I’m not sure that telling him this is a good idea.
“Aren’t what?” His voice is soft and sympathetic.
I have a sudden urge to just talk. There’s so much weighing on my mind, so much I’ve kept to myself. I need someone to talk to. “We’re not together anymore. He’s deploying to Iraq, I couldn’t deal with it, so we broke up.”
“I’m sorry to hear that.” He doesn’t sound sorry. “That must be so hard for you. I’m kind of in the middle of a breakup of my own.”
A twinge of unwelcome jealousy hits me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you’d been dating anyone.”
He laughs. “Not a person. The Army. I’m done with the Army.”
I don’t know whether to offer sympathy for that or not. He sounds more relieved than anything. "What happened?" I say instead.
“Completely out of my control, actually. Turns out I have a heart condition, nothing too serious, just enough to earn a medical discharge.”
“Now what?” I ask.
“I think it’s called getting on with my life. I’ve finally been accepted to the University of Washington Medical School, so I’ll be in Seattle.”
“That’s great; congratulations.” I lean back on my bed, the constant knot in my stomach loosening. It’s good to talk to Michael as a friend, with no guilt.
“It means a lot more years of school and paying tuition on my own, but I can handle that. At least I won’t owe the Army anything when I’m done. What about you? You have to be close to being done with school.”
“One more semester.”
“And then what?”
“I don’t know. I’ll look for a job. I’m thinking somewhere out of state, maybe farther.”
“Why so far away? I thought you liked it here. Your family is close.” He hesitates. “In a couple of months I’ll be closer.”
“It's a long story.”
“Sounds like something we should discuss over dinner. I’ll be in Seattle in a couple of days, taking care of some details at UW. If you’re free, I’d love to see you. You could come up, or I could drive down.”
“I’m not home. I’m–” I stop myself. I’ve been careful not to tell anyone where I am, but Brad doesn’t even know Michael exists.
“Still in Pullman? I could make a quick trip to see my family. I’m sure they’d love to see you.”
“I’m not there either.”
“What’s going on, Jess?” His voice is rich with concern. “You sound stressed. Are you working too much, or is it the whole thing with Jacob? He’s a complete moron for letting you go; I hope you realize that.”
I don’t want to talk to him about Jacob. It feels disloyal, even if we aren’t together. “It’s a lot of things.”
“It sounds like you need some time away from everything, a good meal, and a friend to talk to. Name any place in the state of Washington—no, any place in the world and I’ll take you there, even if it’s just for dinner and friendly conversation. I miss you, Jess.”
His offer is incredibly tempting. It strikes me that Michael could be the solution to all my problems. He has the money to take me away from here. He’s out of the Army. I could try things with him again, see what it would be like if there was nothing holding me back.
I take a breath. “You’re incredibly sweet as always. You’ve been such a great friend, but I can’t.”
As good as he’s been to me, as good as he obviously still wants to be to me, I can’t accept Michael’s help. I can’t pretend I’m in love with him, even if I know it will make him happy. Even if it might save me.
There’s a long silence on the other end. Finally he says, “Because you're still in love with him.” There’s a hard edge to his voice that I’ve never heard before.
I don’t have the words to explain, or deny, or confirm what he already knows. He’s right. Not that it makes a difference now.
“I’m sorry, Michael. I hope you have an incredible life. You deserve it. But please, for your sake as much as mine, don’t call me again.”
I don’t wait for his reply. I hang up, then turn off the phone and put it back in the drawer. I promise myself I’ll have it disconnected tomorrow.