Chapter 45
FORTY-FIVE
“Goddess?” Atlas’s voice drags me out of my thoughts. He’s crouched in front of me, our Alphas fanned out at his back around the nest. “Talk to me.”
“Was I dissociating again?” We desperately need another session with Dr. K. I haven’t had the chance to tell her about talking to Ethel’s parents yet.
“A little,” he admits.
I’m curled up in the corner of our nest with shirts and blankets from my Alphas clutched in my arms, and I’m wearing one of Atlas’s shirts. I don’t remember putting it on, but I must’ve been seeking as much comfort as I could find as quickly as I could.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks me, adjusting so that he’s sitting beside me. The Alphas all move forward and sit around us, solemn expressions on their faces.
I can’t believe I let them down, again.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, my chest feeling like it’s going to crack open. “You bonded to me before you knew… I’m so sorry.”
Charles reaches out, taking my hand. “What do you have to be sorry for?”
“For not being able to give you kids. Omegas are supposed to give their Alphas babies.”
Harvey snorts sarcastically. “I don’t think anything about you or Atlas follows the rules of what an Omega is ‘supposed’ to be.”
Anxiety curls through me, knowing what is going to come next. It feels like, since I met them, I’ve asked them time and time again to accept less than what they deserve.
I am an incomplete Omega.
Not worthy of a pack of this caliber. They deserve so much more than what I can offer them. Not that they’ve ever made me feel that way, but there is no way this isn’t the final nail in the coffin.
“Look, princess,” Wyatt begins, propping one foot up and leaning on his knee.
“You’ve got to,” he looks at Atlas, “y’all both have got to get over this idea that you’re not Omega enough.
You’re our Omegas, regardless of whether you can give us kids.
There isn’t any other Omega out there that would fit into our lives better than you two. ”
Atlas weaves his fingers through mine, and my stomach drops. I’ve been selfish. I’ve made this about me, when he just learned that he’s infertile as well.
“Are you okay?” I ask, leaning forward to rest my forehead on his. “This didn’t only happen to me.”
He sucks on his teeth in thought for a moment. “It’s weird. I didn’t think much about having kids, but having the choice taken away from me is making it hard to process.”
That’s exactly how I feel.
The whole thing is a bit of a mindfuck. Honestly, I was leaning toward not having kids. I love my nephew and spending time with him, but I don’t feel that drive to be a parent that others have mentioned.
I hadn’t made the choice one way or the other, though.
And now that choice is gone.
I can’t change my mind.
And that’s what hurts.
That, and knowing I can’t give my Alphas the kids they deserve.
“Athena,” Sebass says gently, taking my hand in his. “We never talked about kids with you two, but the four of us had, as a pack.”
“None of us felt passionate one way or the other,” Charles tells me. “And I’m not just saying that because of this revelation.”
“He’s not,” Wyatt confirms. I finally allow myself to look up at my Alphas and take in their expressions.
All of them are gazing at me so earnestly that it’s hard not to believe them.
“We were hesitant to bring an Omega into our lifestyle, not knowing one of them was already in it with us.” He shoots Atlas a cheeky grin, and my Omega returns it with a playful glare.
“If we were worried about an Omega, we didn’t want kids to be a part of this. ”
“Charles runs the legitimate side of our business, but that’s bankrolling the larger part of our operation.
What we do isn’t legal, and we fuck around with some dangerous individuals,” Harvey says, popping a piece of gum in his mouth.
He’s chewing gum a lot lately. “If you’re upset because you wanted kids, we’ll talk through it, maybe figure out how to adopt.
But if your concerns come from worrying that it’s going to upset us you can’t have kids, you can release that. ”
A bit of the pressure on my chest is lifted at his words. It’s not that knowing they didn’t want kids fixes everything, but it gives me the clarity to process that the option is gone.
Those fucking bastards took so much from me.
My designation.
My fertility.
My peace.
Going into heat has helped me feel more connected to the Omega instincts that are now a part of me.
It was surprisingly healing to let them take over and embrace the person I have become.
However, I know I still have a lot of work to do in processing everything that those assholes put me through, and it’s going to be a long, uphill battle.
This is one more thing to add to the list that I need to work through with Dr. K. At this rate, I’m going to end up buying her a condo with my copays.
Some people have this romantic notion that finding love heals everything. It’s bullshit. Love isn’t a cure for anything except maybe loneliness.
I’m not in love with my Alphas yet, but I know that I’ll get there. Atlas is a part of me, and I have loved him from the moment my teeth broke his skin, and maybe even before then. Nothing like being held captive and experimented on to bring two people together.
Loving them won’t fix me. It won’t remove my trauma or even give me peace. But there is support to be found in love. It gives you a person, or in my case, people, who can help hold you up when the burden becomes too heavy.
I don’t think I’m going to be able to heal while Tyler is still out there. I’ll be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life if we don’t stop him.
I need to face him and know that he can’t hurt me again. I want to stare him down and show him he didn’t break me. That I will not be a pawn in whatever game he is trying to play.
My pack is giving me space to process the news my brother gave me, sitting and waiting for me as my thoughts whirl through everything that has happened. Finally, my mind quiets, and the words I need to speak fall into place.
“I’m upset that I wasn’t allowed to decide if I wanted to have kids myself.
I found my pack. I should have been able to sit with all of you and make this decision as a family, and we don’t get to do that now.
And I’m fucking pissed that there is another way that what those bastards did will affect me for the rest of my life.
” I rub my eyes with the heels of my hands.
“But I think I’m okay. Mostly. I know we don’t need kids to be a pack. ”
Atlas grabs my chin and places a soft kiss on my lips. “We don’t. And it’s okay if you’re upset about this one day, and then the next you’re not.”
“I know,” I agree, rubbing my hand on his freshly trimmed beard. “A day at a time, right?”
“A day at a time.”
“No.” Harvey’s voice is firm, his tone final.
Well, he thinks it’s final. I beg to differ.
“Yes.” I cross my arms over my chest and have to resist stomping my foot. “I’m coming with you guys.”
He looks up at the ceiling as if seeking divine intervention, but he won’t find it, because I’m right.
“Princess…” Wyatt drawls, tucking his black shirt into his tactical pants.
“You’re letting Atlas come!”
“Atlas was trained for this.” Wyatt sounds exhausted.
“He has worked for Lupine Investigations for years now, and he’s our best chance at getting Tyler.
This has nothing to do with you being our Omega and everything to do with you not knowing how to handle the situation.
Charles and Sebass aren’t going either.”
“And we’re trained,” Charles says, looking up from his phone.
Some people may be upset that he’s always working, but I know it’s because he’s balancing Lupine Investigations with everything else that we’re doing as a pack.
When it matters, like right now, he puts his phone away and gives me his undivided attention.
“This should be an easy extraction, and too many people will bring too much attention. We’re not looking to get the cops called on us for kidnapping. ”
“But-”
“But nothing,” Harvey cuts me off. “I’m not bending on this, Athena. You’ll wait with Chuckie and Sebass.”
I take a step closer to my Alpha, a little growl escaping me. “I deserve to confront him!” I need to see the man behind the mask. I need to see him, to tell him how I feel, and to spit in his face.
“Who said you couldn’t?” I look up into the dark eyes of my lead Alpha.
He’s not smiling at me, but there is clear affection in his gaze.
“No one said you couldn’t. You just can’t come to the extraction.
When we get him back to the Hawks compound, you’re welcome to take your pound of flesh, and I’ll be there cheering you on. ”
That takes the wind out of my sails. I drop my arms as the fight leaves me. “You mean it?”
He brushes his lips across mine. “Of course I do.”
I take a step back into Sebastian’s waiting arms. He wraps them around my waist and sways slightly with me, mumbling something that sounds an awful lot like ‘scary Omega’.
“Okay,” I say hesitantly. “I guess that’s acceptable.”
Wyatt makes an amused sound in the back of his throat before leaning over and kissing me on the forehead. “I’m glad you agree. Now, go get dressed. Only we get to see you without pants. Sebass and Charles will take you to the compound.”
Sebass steps backward with me still in his arms, but we trip and almost go sprawling.
“I was trying to be cute,” he whispers in my ear. “I don’t think I’m good at it.”
I laugh as I turn in his arms and rub my nose against his. “You’re plenty cute. Clumsy, but cute.”
“I love your laugh,” he says on a sigh, wrapping his arms around my waist and spinning me around in a tight hug. “Best sound in the world. Gonna need more of them, though. Those assholes are gonna catch up to me in numbers soon.”
Another laugh bubbles out of me as I shove him playfully. “It’s not a competition, Alpha.”
His grin is so broad his eyes nearly shut. “Doesn’t matter. I’m still gonna win.”