Chapter 13
It was shockingly easy to fall into the rhythm of things here.
The days followed a pattern that the children adapted to quickly, throwing themselves into the tasks.
After waking up we took care of the animals, getting them all breakfast before eating our own meal, then Cody and Paisley had lessons with Bryan, followed by recess with the dogs outside.
After lunch, they had more lessons before spending time with the horses again, followed by dinner, chores, and slowly winding down the evening before bed.
We rinsed and repeated the system through our first week there. It helped me focus, though night time still left me agitated and too anxious to let the children sleep in their own rooms. I felt guilty for occupying Carter’s nest like we were, but at the same time, I didn’t know how to let go.
The alphas here were different. Either they were astonishingly good actors, or they truly were this way.
They approached the children and me with patience.
No one except for the kids had yelled since our arrival.
The home was managed and clean without it all being put on my shoulders, and they checked in every evening over dinner to see if anything wasn’t working for us.
Paul’s bitterness sat on the back of my tongue, trying to taint every bite of this life without him, but when I committed to the schedule, it was easier to ignore.
I hadn’t been brave enough to climb back into Carter or Wyatt’s arms, despite craving it like water in the desert.
If I was honest with myself, I’d have accepted affection from Colt, too, but maybe not Bryan since he seemed far too anxious every time he was around me, and it would probably be too much for him.
In many ways, it felt like I was watching a TV show rather than participating in my own life these past few days.
It was odd there hadn’t been any mention on the news or in the local papers that we’d disappeared.
What had Paul told the school? Why hide it?
Was it only avoiding humiliation, or was something else going on?
I slipped onto the porch with the burner phone Theo had given me and dialed the only number saved. He answered after the first ring.
“Hello?”
Relief washed over me at hearing his name. “It’s me. I’m somewhere safe, with—”
“Don’t tell me where or with who. It’s better for neither of us to know just in case.”
“Are you safe?”
“Yeah, I’m good. I got where I was going and trying to settle in. Kids doing okay?”
“Surprisingly, yeah.”
“Good. We probably shouldn’t talk long, but I love you.”
“I love you, too.” When the call ended, I gave myself a few moments to breathe and collect myself before returning to my mending.
“Have you ever ridden?”
I looked up from the shirt I was repairing, sitting at the dining room table while Bryan worked through a math lesson with Cody as Paisley and Nora colored. Colt had his warm brown eyes focused on me. “I haven’t, no.”
“Would you like to learn?”
The kids had been itching to get on horseback, but the pack insisted on going slow, teaching them about horses and their care first. I absorbed a lot of it when I was out there to supervise them.
“The horses are huge. I don’t know that I would be comfortable up there by myself.”
Colt nodded, but I could see the wheels turning in his eyes. “You could ride one with me or with one of the others. Get comfortable with how the horse moves, how to navigate them with someone experienced before you try it on your own.”
The very concept of sitting so close to him on horseback had heat flushing through my body.
I braced for Paul’s response, meeting his irritation with my own stubbornness.
It wasn’t that sharing the bond with him had gotten easier, but knowing I didn’t have to see him after feeling any of it meant I could start responding with anything besides fear of what he would do.
It didn’t matter what he would do if he wasn’t here and couldn’t find me.
“We could try,” I agreed.
“Do you want to come out now? I was going to take Sunny for a ride.”
I chewed my lip, debating. I had kept so close to my children since our arrival that the idea of stepping away, even for a short time, made me nervous.
“The baby monitor has a decent range,” Colt pointed out. “We can stay in the yard.”
“If Mama is allowed on the horse, does that mean we are?” Cody asked, looking up from his fractions practice.
“Soon,” Colt promised. “I want to show your mama that it’s safe, and if she gives the go-ahead, we can start on the pony.”
I saw Carter and Wyatt riding through the yard and into the stable. “Could Carter come inside and watch them while we’re out there? I don’t want to leave Bryan alone with all three.”
Colt nodded. “That’s a good idea. I’ll go ask him.”
I waited, slowly collecting myself and watching out the window. With Carter’s approval, nothing was stopping me from getting on the horse except my own anxiety. He disappeared briefly upstairs, returning with the baby monitor, kissing my cheek, then parking himself where I had been sitting.
“I promise we’ll let you know if you need to come back.”
Trusting Carter was easy when Paul wasn’t breathing down my neck in the bond. Carter was the same sweet boy I remembered, full of compassion and patience. I could loosen my grip a little knowing he was right here.
I tucked the baby monitor into my jacket pocket and pulled it on along with the new gloves and winter boots June had bought me.
Colt walked by my side out to the stable, close enough that I felt the silent offer of his protection, but not getting too much in my space. When we got inside, his horse Sunny was already saddled and waiting. He lowered his head to inspect me, horse lips wiggling along my cheek and into my hair.
“Sunny, you’re being a very forward gentleman,” I joked, though I was frozen, waiting to make sure he wasn’t going to bite me. Colt’s smile was enormous out of the corner of my eye. I turned to him, confused. “What?”
“That’s the first bit of humor we’ve gotten out of you since you got here,” he said as if that explained everything.
“Is that bad?”
He was smiling—genuinely—so I couldn’t imagine why it would be, but I didn’t understand what the big deal was.
“God, no. First step to a smile.”
Still confused, I tilted my head, waiting for something more.
“I wanted to see you when you’re happy. We’ve gotten smiles out of all the kids, but not you, not yet. Been waiting to see it, is all.”
The concept made my heart pound. “Why?”
“Well, for one, I know you haven’t missed my omega following you around this week like a puppy. Carter loves you, and I love him. For two, you being genuinely happy is both what you deserve and the biggest fuck you to the asshole you’re running from.”
For my own sanity I had been slotting Carter’s attentiveness into the basic politeness category.
I knew it was more than that. It was easy to slip right back into loving him like I had as a teenager, when things had been marginally simpler, but he had a pack now so I had chosen not to acknowledge any of it.
It was better to continue on the safer path, so I focused on the second half of his statement instead.
Paul had committed me to misery. Caution dictated that I approach any happiness slowly. I knew what crushed hope felt like. I had tasted it too many times, and I would choke on that bitterness if it happened again.
Having no idea what to really say, I opted for, “I just want to do what’s best for everyone.”
I didn’t know what best was, but Colt seemed to accept that response.
“Ready to climb on?”
Sunny was enormous, with a dapple gray coat and a white mane and tail. The stirrups came to chest height on me.
“How?”
“Do you mind if I lift you?” Colt asked, not even moving until he got my answer.
“Sure.”
“I’ll get your foot in the stirrup and you can swing yourself onto his back, okay?”
I nodded.
His hands on my waist had goose bumps bursting over my skin, but luckily I was still taking blockers, and the jacket covered my arms so he couldn’t see. “Jump on three. One, two, three.”
He used my momentum to lift me overhead, and I put my foot in the stirrup, grabbing the saddle and getting myself situated.
“Good girl. Now pop out of the stirrup so I can get up there, too.”
My body flushed with warmth at the endearment, but that was nothing compared to the weight of him landing behind me or the press of his chest to my back. His earthy scent was thick in my nose, warm sandalwood and honey.
Paul definitely didn’t like my reaction. I pushed it away as best I could, soaking in the sensation of Colt wrapped around me, showing me how to grip the reins, and how to use my thighs to tell Sunny where to go. I could hardly breathe, struggling to listen to his explanation.
“Maisie.” Colt’s voice directly in my ear startled me. “What’s going on? If you’re scared, you can get off right now.”
I held the reins so tightly my fingers burned. “I don’t want to get off. Please ignore it.”
“I’m not ignoring your discomfort, so get that out of your head right now. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“The bond,” I forced out, biting down a whimper. “He’s mad.”
“Does anything make it better or worse?”
“I need a distraction. It’s easier to focus on other things so he’s not so loud. Please.”
Colt nodded. “Okay, let’s get Sunny moving then, but I need you to promise you’ll tell me if it becomes too much.”
“I will.”
“Relax your grip on the reins and give Sunny a little squeeze with your thighs.” He patted one of them just above my knee and I squeezed too hard, Sunny darting forward and sending my heart into my throat. “Whoa there, Sunny. Shhh, you’re both okay.”
I wasn’t entirely convinced of that.
Colt pressed his hand over my stomach. “Do some big, deep belly breaths.”
It took a lot of brain power to obey that request when I was closer to panting than anything else. I leaned some of my weight against him, an indulgence I didn’t deserve. When I got my breathing under control again, Colt adjusted my grip, bidding me to try again.
Sunny didn’t startle this time. His steps were jostling, but even.
“That’s good,” Colt said gently. “Feel how he moves and match your hips to it. We won’t do any more than a walk today.”
The crisp air hit me as we stepped outside of the stable and into the yard.
I shied away from the cold breeze, leaning harder against the warmth of Colt’s body.
We only walked in circles, letting me practice moving Sunny with my legs and the reins to learn how he responded, but the feeling of it was something I didn’t know how to describe.
The skill seemed so small, but I had always loved learning new things. I had pushed past my comfort zone to get up here, and Paul was still present but far quieter. I was a long way from riding one of these behemoths on my own, but the possibility was exciting.
Colt still had his hand on my stomach, the other on the pommel.
If he dipped one of his hands lower, my brain and body would be so occupied, Paul wouldn’t get anywhere near my thoughts.
I kept a tight leash on that fantasy. Imagining Colt touching me was dangerous and confusing, but between his scent in my nose, his strength at my back, and the gentle patience he’d been showing me without fail, I was weak.
I wanted him to touch me. I had spent so many years dreading touch from an alpha that the desire tangled itself up with innate fear in my gut.
I couldn’t let myself be weak, or to know what it might be like, not when they would leave me to suffer, too, when my heat inevitably came.
Strength was how I got through life. I endured.
But, for the first time in a very long time, I craved more than comfort.
Their sweet words echoed in my head, and I wanted to do more than endure.
Colt couldn’t be a distraction, no matter how certain I was that it would work to keep Paul at bay, or how curious I was about what the experience might be like.
That wouldn’t be fair to Colt or any other here.
I shoved the craving down. Paul had taught me that nothing good was meant for me. Not now. Not ever.