Chapter 14
“When am I ever gonna use this?” Cody whined, putting his forehead down on the table next to his worksheet.
Teaching Maisie’s children was proving to be a unique experience for all of us, but I felt a sense of purpose I hadn’t experienced before. Even when they fussed or got confused, it was gratifying to see progress—what little could be achieved in a week, at least.
“Do you ever bake with your mother?” I asked, glancing at Maisie where she had settled in after her ride with Colt.
Cody shook his head, not lifting it from the table.
“That’s a perfect example.”
“What do you mean?” Cody finally looked up and I waved him into the kitchen and pulled out the measuring cups.
“We can do a hands-on lesson so you can see how the fractions work in real life.” I grabbed one of the chairs so he could see better and laid them on the counter.
“See, here we have a one-cup measure, and a one-third cup measure. That means it will take three of the one-third cups to make one whole cup. The number on the bottom tells you how many you need to make a whole.”
I let him fill the one-third cup with water and pour them into the one cup, watching the light flip on behind his eyes as he absorbed the information in real time.
He tested it with all the different measuring cups, actual excitement on his face.
We paired it with his worksheet questions and he used the cups to solve a few, both of us relieved that it helped him understand.
“I want to play!” Paisley tugged on my shirt, abandoning the flashcards she’d been doing with her mother.
I lifted her onto the chair next to her brother, standing close so she couldn’t fall off, and showed her the same principle.
“We could put this all to use and bake something,” Maisie offered, checking first on Nora napping in the playpen before coming into the kitchen. “Fresh bread will go well with the stew for dinner tonight.”
We hadn’t done an official lesson yet, but I was eager to expand my skills.
After washing hands and countertops, we got out all the ingredients.
Maisie was patient with all three of us, explaining what the dough should look like through the process, how to knead, and how to tell when it had rested enough.
Baking bread seemed so simple from the outside, especially when I’d exclusively eaten it from bakeries, but I was fascinated watching all the skill Maisie possessed. She was so sure of her knowledge.
When the pack came to take the kids out to spend time with the horses, it was just Maisie and I left inside with a sleeping Nora. We stared at each other for a long moment, as if neither of us knew what to say—true on my end, but I wasn’t sure what was going on in her head.
She finally said, “We should get started on dinner.”
I grabbed the ingredients out of the fridge while Maisie wiped down the counter from our bread-making. For a few minutes we worked in silence, washing and peeling.
“Carter told me you know Riley,” she said as she moved on to slicing. She worked so smoothly, the blade gliding evenly through the carrots, though I couldn’t help sweating a little that the conversation topic of Riley had come up while Maisie was wielding a knife.
“Uh, yes, um, we lived together in New York.”
Maisie paused. “In what capacity?”
“We were in a pack together.”
That prompted Maisie to set the knife down altogether, turning fully toward me. “You were her alpha?”
I desperately wished I could see into her brain right now, to read her thoughts behind the question. “Yes.”
“Was it the scent match that ended things?”
“Not really, no. Honestly, she probably should have left sooner. I’m glad she had her scent matches to go to, though.”
Maisie looked absolutely baffled by that.
“Life in our pack wasn’t…it wasn’t great, for her or for me, but I felt exactly as I had when I lived with my family.
I knew it didn’t feel good, but I didn’t know that how my family and my packmate treated me was wrong.
I saw the effect on Riley, I tried to mitigate it as best I could, but intervention wasn’t my strong suit. ”
“She hasn’t had a chance to tell me everything about her life. Did you love her?”
Apparently Maisie was digging right to the heart of the matter.
“I did, but I wasn’t good for her. I have a lot of regrets about what I didn’t do during our relationship.” My throat tightened. “She always deserved better. I know she has that now.”
“What about your packmates? Where are they?”
“Probably prison. I’m lucky I’m not there myself, but they didn’t trust me enough to have me involved the way they were, so it was a blessing in disguise, I suppose. It still cost me everything, which is how I ended up here.”
“Explain,” Maisie prompted.
I set down the emotional support celery I had been clutching.
“Carter was there when Bruce tried one last ditch effort to get Riley to move to Berlin because a contract with two German alphas depended on it. I tried to stop him. The whole thing exploded. I ended up with no pack, and my family disowned me. I was only in a pack with Bruce to begin with because of family business, and I realized after the fact that the way he had always treated me was reflected in that. He didn’t really care about me, only what being connected to me got him.
Anyway, with nothing left and nowhere to go, Carter offered to let me stay here. ”
Maisie offered me a soft smile at that. “I think maybe Carter collects lost people. It was the same in school. He had an energy that made people comfortable, like they knew he could set them on their feet and send them on their way in the right direction.”
“I don’t deserve to be here.” Those words had haunted me every day since arriving, holding the same potency as when I had first set foot on the property.
“Neither do I, but we’re here anyway,” Maisie countered.
I gaped at that. “Of course you deserve to be here. Why would you think otherwise?”
She returned to her chopping, quiet for a few seconds.
“It’s dangerous. No matter how quiet things have been this week, there’s no reality in which Paul would let me walk out of that place with his children and stay free.
I don’t know what he’s doing, but he’s not the type of man to let things go.
I couldn’t go to Riley’s because of that. They know where she lives.”
“I’m sorry. If I still had access to my fortune I could be a lot more useful. You could have a house on the coast and never worry about seeing him ever again.”
Maisie smiled at that. “I almost went there once. I got into NYU on a scholarship, I thought I could find Riley when I got there, but Paul got to me first.”
“I’m sorry,” I said again. What else was there to say when someone had actively stolen her future?
If she had made it there, if she had found Riley—improbable at best, since Riley had changed her name—I could’ve helped her.
It wouldn’t have harmed me in the least to set up my omega’s sister.
I wanted to ask about her regrets, but that seemed cruel.
It wouldn’t do her or anyone else any good to think about what could’ve been, to wish for a life she could never have.
“What was it like?” Maisie asked quietly, resuming her slicing. “New York, I mean.”
“Overwhelming, incredible in many ways. I suppose it would depend what sort of person you were. Coming from there to here is a huge culture shock. I imagine it would be worse in the other direction, to go from the quiet to the sounds of the city that never stop. When I first came here the silence was so loud my ears rang.”
She nodded, moving on to the potatoes. “Carter used to live there. He said something very similar. It was part of why I wanted to go there for school. I wanted someplace so big I could melt into the crowd. I was never sure if it was simply yearning to experience something different, or if it was born out of wanting to hide from Paul’s attention.
It was stupid. My family wouldn’t have let me go.
I never should have let myself want it.”
I laid my hand over hers when she set the knife down. “It’s not stupid, not at all. I wish you would’ve been able to go.”
I watched helplessly as grief twisted her features, her hands curling into fists.
Fuck.
I pulled her into my arms without thinking twice about it, but when she tensed and my brain did catch up, I couldn’t let go. She held on tight to the front of my shirt and let loose a flood of tears, all the sorrow for what could have been pouring out from the depths of her.
I knew what that felt like, and wished I didn’t.
My first week here had resulted in the same soul-crushing outpouring of grief for everything that had been, and everything that would never be.
It wasn’t the same. I mourned what I’d had and lost, she mourned what had never been.
We weren’t exactly kindred; she had suffered in ways I couldn’t comprehend, but I understood some pieces.
She growled against my chest. It was a fierce, vicious sound I had never heard an omega make before.
“What is it?”
“He’s always happy when I’m upset. I hate giving him the satisfaction. I wish I could rip the bond right out of my chest.”
Guilt hollowed me out. Once upon a time I had wanted to bond Riley.
I wouldn’t have gotten joy out of her suffering, but I knew now I wouldn’t have added much positivity to it.
She deserved so much more than I could have given her.
Maisie deserved peace. What kind of alpha got joy out of their omega’s suffering?
I held her for as long as she wanted me to, trying to keep the pounding of my heart under control.
I refused to fail her the way I had failed Riley.
She didn’t need me to defend her against the pack here, but if the support helped push back against an unwanted bond, even for a moment, I was willing to do it.
When she finally pulled away she avoided looking at me, washing her face with cool water and walking to check on Nora.
I took over chopping potatoes.
Maisie returned a moment later, mostly collected. Her nose wrinkled. “It’s better to chop them so everything is close to the same size. It helps them all cook at the same rate. Harder to do with something not evenly shaped, but we do our best.”
If she wanted to slide back into cooking rather than discussing things, that was fine.
She showed me how to choose the flattest side, slice a portion that would yield the size we needed, then roll it on to that flat side so it was stable to chop the rest.
By the time we were finished with the vegetables and meat, the bread was ready to be shaped. We moved to the table, each of us with our own loaf. Maisie was patient with showing me how to craft the dough into loaves.
“I baked a lot of bread at home,” she said quietly.
“Not just because we needed it to eat, but because it helped. It’s one of those tasks that lets you be productive and work out your frustration, but still gives you something at the end.
The futility of everything doesn’t feel so overwhelming when you can hold the results of your labor. ”
“That’s a wise way to put it.”
I had often gotten lost in the endless futility of my old job.
Everything was on the computer, there was always more coming, but at no point did I ever feel accomplished.
Now, as I tucked the shaped dough into a buttered pan, I felt the brush of pride.
I had noticed that with cooking—less so when I completely ruined a dish—how the actual act of creation could keep the existential crisis at bay.
“Is it?” she asked. “I always feel a bit silly when I say it out loud.”
“It’s not silly. It’s good to put it into words sometimes.
” Sighing, I made sure my words were in order before I opened my mouth again.
“You’re an impressive woman, Maisie. I’m not glad of the circumstances that brought you here, but I am glad that we’re here at the same time.
We can be on this fucked up little journey together to figure out what our lives are supposed to be. ”
I almost earned myself a smile at that.
“I’m glad to have a partner for that. It helps me feel less alone.”
The ache in my chest was a stark realization that for the first time maybe there was a purpose to my life falling apart. It had landed me here, so even if I did nothing else, I could be by her side while we navigated this uncertain chaos.