Chapter 15
“Mama, can I please, please sleep in my new room tonight?” Cody asked the next night when we were getting ready for bed. “The bed is a race car!”
I took a deep breath, trying to calm the spike of panic the question had triggered. It wasn’t an unreasonable request. Honestly, I was surprised he’d lasted this long to beg.
“Does that mean I can sleep in my princess room?” Paisley asked while I carefully combed her hair.
I should let them. Carter and his alphas would move back to the nest and it would just be me and the children on the second floor.
“Let me talk to Carter.” I paused their bedtime routine and turned on one of the quiet shows Wyatt had looked up for me to help the kids unwind before sleep. “Keep an eye on Nora. I’ll be right back.”
I took the baby monitor with me and ventured downstairs where the pack, minus Bryan, were in the living room.
“Maisie, hi.” Carter sat up from where he was nestled between Wyatt and Colt. “What’s up?”
“Paisley and Cody want to sleep in their rooms tonight. Could you help me get everything set up, please?”
“Yeah, of course. I can show you what we’ve already done up there.
” Carter took my hand and led me back upstairs to the second floor.
The children’s rooms had been painted and loaded up with their new beds, toys, and clothes.
They’d painted the doors, too—red for Cody, pink for Paisley, and yellow for Nora—and had nightlights plugged into every available outlet. “Check this out.”
He flipped off the hallway light and the baseboards illuminated in a gentle green glow, as did a fair bit of the bathroom interior.
“That’s such a great idea.” I stepped into the bathroom, finding enough light to navigate.
“We figured it would be good to have both the nightlight and the glow-in-the-dark paint just in case there’s ever a power outage.
We put some on the stairs, too. And we have these.
” He pointed out the decor on the doors—a race car, a princess crown, and a yellow flower—giving Paisley’s door a little jiggle so I heard the tinkling of bells.
“You’ll be able to hear if the door moves.
I know lots of little kids don’t like having their door closed all the way, so it seemed like a decent option. ”
I locked my arms around him, overwhelmed all over again by the thoughtfulness of this pack. “Carter, this is perfect.”
He held me gently, not making a peep over me tucking my face in the curve of his throat to inhale his sweet peach scent. It worked its way deep, soothing me.
“I’m glad you think so. We got some more monitors too and drew their initials on each one in more of the glow in the dark paint so you can see which room it is, even if it’s only little fussy sounds.”
“Thank you,” I whispered against his skin.
“Do you want to sleep in your own room, or with one of the kids?”
What I really wanted was for Carter to stay with me, to hold back my stress over letting this small piece go.
Sleeping in the children’s rooms for my own peace of mind wasn’t especially sustainable, and I worried that my own misgivings would transfer over to them if I couldn’t let them enjoy the beautiful spaces that had been so lovingly created for them.
“Maisie?” Carter asked softly when I didn’t reply.
“I’ve never slept alone.”
If I wasn’t hiding in the children’s room back home, I’d have been in Paul’s bed, and before that, I had shared a room with my sisters.
Anxiety was my companion, filling my head during the quiet hours if I couldn’t distract myself.
Lying next to Paul had been an exercise in vigilance, afraid to fall asleep in his presence, but lying next to Carter was a sweet surrender.
I wanted the experience of that deep sleep in his arms. I wanted to wake up with him right there next to me, knowing he had kept me safe all night.
Of course, that brought guilt, too. If Carter was with me, he wasn’t with Wyatt and Colt. I couldn’t steal him away to make myself feel better.
“I can stay,” Carter offered. “My alphas won’t mind. Can I show you your room?”
I hadn’t given much thought to my own space here, grateful only that they had thought of my children. I would’ve been fine in a plain bedroom, but I should’ve known Carter wouldn’t be content with that. So I nodded, and he opened the door across the hall.
The room was drenched in color—the walls, the ceiling, even the baseboards and molding up at the ceiling—a rich hunter green with plants trailing from floating shelves.
The sumptuous bed stretched from wall to wall beneath the window, and the bedding was only a couple of shades lighter than the walls so it didn’t disappear completely.
The first half of the room opened with a soft throw rug to separate me from the hardwood below.
I trailed my fingers over the fabric, a spark of instinctive omega joy running through me. This gorgeous bedroom was for me. This bed was mine.
Before Paul could shove any displeasure in my direction, I turned and wrapped myself around Carter again, huffing his sweet peach scent and letting myself sink into the warmth of his embrace. When I was right here, Paul couldn’t reach me.
“I love it.”
“I hoped you still liked green. You kept redirecting to what the kids wanted, so we had to guess. Take anything you want from my nest to add in.”
“This is perfect. Thank you so much.” I held on to him for longer than was probably appropriate. Eventually, I stepped back. “I’ll finish getting the kids ready for bed and then come downstairs.”
“Do you want help? Any of us would be happy to take over story time. I imagine that will take longer than usual with them all in their own rooms.”
“Could you read to Cody? I’ll bring Nora in with Paisley.”
“Absolutely.” Carter beamed. “Let me know when you’re ready, okay?”
“I will.”
We parted ways, me going upstairs, and Carter going down.
I finished up the bedtime routine with the kids, and we all came down to their rooms together.
The dogs were waiting for us, tails wagging when they saw the kids.
Cody and Paisley were over the moon. They didn’t fuss as I tucked them in, kissing each of their foreheads before sending Carter into Cody’s room—Whiskey climbing onto the foot of his new bed—and settling in to read to Paisley and Nora with Tango, Foxtrot, and one of the princess books June had supplied us with.
Once the girls were out like lights, I put Nora in her crib, Foxtrot following to flop down on the rug next to it, and I stepped out of her room, content that my children had some additional guardians. Carter quietly slipped out of Cody’s room, meeting me in the hall.
“Straight to bed, or do you want to stay up for a bit?”
“A short bit,” I said, covering a yawn, leaning gratefully against him. “Motherhood is exhausting even when everyone is behaving.”
“They’re great kids.” Carter nuzzled my hair. “Cody did most of the reading, even got into it with some voices. You might have a future actor on your hands.”
The mere idea made me emotional. Acting would’ve been completely out of the question at the compound.
If we could stay out, my children had options ahead of them.
I didn’t know how any of it would work, how they could get an official education that would allow them opportunities in the world, but if we figured that out, they could have a life so far beyond what I’d been leashed to.
“Maybe he’ll get to go to New York,” I said softly.
“You never know.” Carter swung his arm around my waist, and we stood there, nose to nose, eyes locked on each other. “Want some tea before bed?”
“I could have tea.”
He kissed my cheek and fetched the baby monitors, leaving me in the hall, my body flushed and tingling. The sensation only got stronger when he stepped back out, a smile on his face just for me. My chest ached with everything we could’ve been in a different reality.
I’d loved him once and I loved him still.
Why wasn’t the world fair? Why weren’t the children in this house his? Why couldn’t we all have moved through life in the home of someone who loved us, who wanted the best for us?
My throat tightened. If I’d stayed with Carter I wouldn’t even be a mother yet in all likelihood. He’d have waited until I was ready, until I wanted to become a parent. I loved my children, but that didn’t change how they’d been conceived, and it didn’t change how we had been forced to live.
“Talk to me.” Carter’s voice was soft, laced with concern.
“Sometimes it gets really heavy.”
“Let me help you carry the weight.” He cupped my cheek, thumb stroking gently. “How can I help?”
“Just keep being you.”
“I can do that.” He kissed my forehead and tucked my hair behind my ear.
The pale strands had gotten wavy with the lack of a flat iron but they had never felt like me.
I hated that when Carter looked at me, he saw the person Paul had turned me into.
Carter nudged me down the hall. “Come on, we’ll get you some tea and we can snuggle up on the couch. ”
When we hit the bottom of the stairs, I didn’t follow him into the living room, veering instead into the kitchen where I plucked the scissors out of the knife block on the counter.
The first chunk of my bleached hair hung limply in my hand before any of them could react to what I’d done.
Adrenaline burst through me, like I’d kicked a hornet’s nest and hadn’t turned to run yet.
My heart pounded as I caught my reflection in the window glass.
Energy vibrated through me. Before I could hack off another chunk, Colt caught my hand. “Whoa, there. You can cut your hair as short as you want, but maybe let us help and use something better than kitchen scissors.”
I turned wild eyes on him. “I don’t want to see myself like this anymore.”
“Then we’ll fix it,” he said gently, extracting the scissors from my hand. “Go sit on the floor in front of the couch and I’ll cut it for you.”
Jittery, I let Carter take my hand and draw me into the living room. Wyatt reached out, brushing his fingertips over the newly short hair.
“It was impulsive—” I began.
“It’s a new beginning. A choice you’re making for yourself.” Wyatt laid his hand on my shoulder.
“I like that.”
“Should I get the dye Mom bought you?” Carter asked. At my nod, he darted away to collect it from my toiletries basket upstairs.
“Do…you like it?” I asked, suddenly shy.
Wyatt’s gaze was warm and bright. “I love what freedom looks like on you.”