Chapter 20
My heart was absolutely melting as I listened to Colt and Wyatt get the kids ready for the day on the baby monitors. Carter was warm and tangled around me, his presence keeping the bond quiet enough I barely gave Paul a passing thought.
I burrowed under the impossibly soft blankets. “They’re so cute. I can’t stand it!”
Carter laughed, snuggling closer and pulling me in for a thoroughly distracting kiss that had my body lighting up. I couldn’t quite believe I’d slept with him. Some part of me had been kind of convinced that Paul would’ve ruined that all for me forever, but I was relieved to be wrong.
Every inch of me tingled in Carter’s arms. Staying snuggled up in bed with him was the height of luxury, and I intended to savor every second of it.
Most likely the alphas would decide the kids were too much effort and it would fall back to me, but that just meant I needed to appreciate the attempt and take advantage of the opportunity.
I sighed in absolute contentment as Carter traced his lips over my throat. My nest wasn’t as expansive as Carter’s—and didn’t need to be since I didn’t have alphas in it—but it was mine. What a shame I’d have to abandon it for my heat. At least it would be here when that was all over.
“We should stay here all day.”
I laughed. “Sounds like a dream.”
“One that could come true.” He purred, the sound vibrating through me and triggering my own in response.
“I don’t want to move, anyway, so I’d say you’re in luck.
” My omega instincts had never been so satisfied as they were right now, buried in blankets with Carter stripped naked and plastered against me.
I hadn’t realized how much I needed to be touched when I felt safe, when the bond was quiet and no one needed anything from me. I’d never experienced that before.
Carter’s purring made me drowsy, lulling me to close my eyes. When I opened them again, I had no idea how much time had passed. Carter was asleep next to me, looking younger and sweeter in his dreams.
I rolled onto my side so we were nose to nose, almost regretting that the movement had his eyelids fluttering.
“Have I mentioned that I love waking up next to you?” Carter asked, covering a yawn. “I never thought I’d get the chance before you came here.”
“Me either. You know what I’ve noticed?”
“Hmm?” Carter toyed with my short hair, tucking some of the strands behind my ear.
“I don’t think he can reach me when I’m with you. I don’t know why, though.”
He popped up on his elbow to look down at me. “Like when you’re in proximity, or when you’re with me? ’Cause either way, I’m willing to shut him up forever.”
My laugh caught me off guard, the giggles hitting me over the idea of Carter drowning out Paul in the bond by keeping me delirious with pleasure.
“More like different things affect the volume. Being around you at all turns it down to about half, and the closer we get, the quieter he becomes. I couldn’t feel him at all when we… ”
He kissed me thoroughly, desire curling through me. “I think I know why, but I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
“What’s your theory?”
“I think we’re scent matches.”
I traced his lips, letting the words absorb.
We’d always had a connection, since long before either of us knew how we’d present.
Carter had been my refuge. Was that why I’d loved him since the day we met?
It made sense, though I’d assumed I’d never be lucky enough to have a destined mate. Fate had never been that kind to me.
Every breath of his sweet peach scent stabilized me. It soothed, it enlivened, and most importantly, it was enough to quiet the unwanted bond that had plagued me since my first heat.
“I think you’re right. What does it mean, though?”
“That we were always meant to be together. Fate knew we were perfect for each other.”
“But, what does it mean now?”
“What do you want it to mean? I love you, I want you to stay, but I know it’s not that simple. Are you a match with the others?”
I shivered. Was that why I didn’t shy away from them the way I did with most alphas?
I’d risked harsh punishment just to talk to Wyatt—to stand near enough his presence blunted the sharp edges in my soul Paul had taken a whetstone to.
When Colt had held me in his arms on his horse, I’d let him.
I hadn’t a clue about Bryan with his scent locked down, but his anxious sweetness was already growing on me.
“That would make sense.”
His blue eyes gleamed. “I have a lot of questions, but I don’t want you overwhelmed. For now, this is enough.”
It was, and would have to be.
Eventually, we got out of bed, if only because my bladder demanded it. We washed up and dressed, moving downstairs, slowly abandoning the divine bubble we’d been in.
In the living room, Bryan was asleep with a napping Nora on his chest, dry cereal scattered over him and the couch. It was so cute I could’ve perished on the spot.
“Want me to take a picture?” Carter asked.
“Yes, please.”
He snapped a picture for me on his phone. “Fucking precious.”
“Would you mind if I went outside for a little walk alone? I won’t be more than a few minutes.”
“Go right ahead. I’ll get the coffee going for when you get back.”
I nodded, letting myself indulge in a kiss before pulling on my new boots and jacket. I had a mission, but I wasn’t brave enough yet to let Carter in on it. For the moment, I wanted to keep my sweet view of everyone, and I was afraid if I let reality in, it would shatter it all.
Wyatt and Paisley were in the corral on the pony, but I skirted along the trees so they didn’t notice me heading toward the stable.
I hadn’t seen a heat hut anywhere on the property yet.
Maybe that was what they used the guesthouse for before Bryan got here.
They had to provide some sort of shelter for Carter’s heat, so where was it?
Once I was inside the stable I found the stairs at the far end that led to the hayloft. From the window I could get a way better view, at least in one direction.
It revealed nothing of use, but from up here I could see a few empty stalls.
Maybe those would work? The stable wasn’t as warm as a house, but it would stay above freezing.
That was really the only benefit of a heat hut in colder weather.
Our heat fevers didn’t stand much of a chance against winter, and if it was life-ending cold, they would give us a space heater on an extension cord.
I went back to the main level, exploring my options.
The horses probably wouldn’t appreciate my joining them out here, but I couldn’t have my heat out on the grass.
I peeked back out and noticed the silver, domed long building across the yard.
That might work, too. I scampered over to it, slipping inside. It was about as warm as the stable.
I found my car parked among their trucks and tractors.
Perfect. Well, not perfect in a sense that it was ideal, but riding out my heat in my car would probably be the least disruptive for everyone.
The only problem was I didn’t know how I would break it.
Did it eventually stop on its own if no one came for me?
I was always so miserable by the time Paul appeared to break my heat that I didn’t even care it was him doing it.
Anxious shivers rolled through me. Without Carter nearby to block him, Paul’s anger bubbled up in the bond. I whimpered, bracing my hands on my car. Had I already gotten so weak to his presence? Was a few hours of peace enough to erode my tolerance?
I bent over, letting my forehead rest on the cool metal of the trunk, taking deep breaths.
“Maisie? What are you doing?” Carter peeked between the vehicles. “You were gone so long I got worried.”
Was there a point in hiding it from him?
“Where do they put you?”
Carter tilted his head. “Put me for what?”
“For your heat. On the compound we have sheds called heat huts. You must have something similar. I don’t want to be in the way when mine comes.”
I probably could’ve punched him directly in the face and gotten the same expression out of him.
“What the fuck are you talking about? A shed?”
I swallowed hard. “A heat hut. That’s where omegas go until we’ve suffered enough and our alphas will come to break the heat. Where do you go for yours?”
“Maisie—what—?” Carter sputtered. “I have my heat in my nest with my alphas. They put you in a fucking hut for yours? Alone?”
His outrage was so foreign. Why was he upset about the way of things?
“How could they make you suffer like that? I knew they were shit, but what the actual fuck?”
“But how are you supposed to be cleansed if you don’t suffer?”
“Mama!”
Carter and I both froze, seeing Bryan with Nora in his arms coming around the truck.
“I’m so sorry to interrupt,” he immediately spilled out. “Nora woke up and was looking for you, and I saw you come in here. I-I know it’s not my place to say anything, but I’m going to anyway.”
I took Nora from him and we waited for him to collect his thoughts.
“I don’t know if I can articulate how sick it makes me feel to have overheard not only what they did to you, but also for you to sound so certain that you deserved it, that it was for any purpose at all except to exert power and control over someone vulnerable.”
I kissed Nora’s forehead to cover the way my stomach flipped at his words.
“Omegas have to be cleansed. It’s just the way it is.
I don’t like it, but why else would we have been cursed with heats if not to purify us through suffering?
Children are supposed to be the blessing for being purified, they hold off the heat when we carry them and feed them because we’re clean enough to not need the suffering as often. ”
The words tumbled off my tongue, like they had triggered some sleeper agent in my brain, spouting off the rhetoric that had been pounded into me since I was a child.
I had absorbed all of it, but saying it out loud, holding my daughter, who in all likelihood would be an omega as well when she got older, made me want to throw up.
Bryan and Carter both looked like I had slapped them. The alpha shook head to toe, eyes wide and pupils blown as he stepped toward me, cupping my cheeks with a frantic look in his gaze.
“No.” He said it gently, but it was like he had swung a sledgehammer against the glass of my existence. “Don’t—don’t say that. They wove that bullshit so they could have control over you.”
My eyes burned with tears. “Then why does it hurt? If it’s not a curse, then why does it feel like it’s tearing me apart?”
I held Nora too tightly and she wriggled down out of my arms, holding on to my leg instead.
“Because you’re not supposed to be alone for it,” Bryan insisted. “You’re supposed to be taken care of. Every second they let you suffer was deliberate cruelty.”
“Maisie,” Carter said gently, stepping up next to us. “How close is your heat?”
“A couple of weeks, maybe.” No matter what they told me, the acknowledgment of its approach made me queasy.
“How do you want us to handle it? I can help you,” Carter offered, “but I’m not an alpha. I could trigger my own heat. We could get you suppressants? There’s no rule that you have to have a heat if you don’t want to.”
Bryan hadn’t relinquished his hold on me, and I didn’t particularly want him to, either. His hands on my cheeks felt like the only thing stopping my head from floating away right now.
“I don’t know. I need someone to watch the kids while I go through it. My mother or sisters would always take them when it was my time, I don’t want to ask but…”
“I’ll watch them,” Bryan promised. “Whatever you need. Maybe Riley could help. Suppressants have to go on record, but if Riley can get some, Maisie could take them, right?”
“I don’t see why not,” Carter replied.
“Let’s do that, then,” Bryan declared. “More time for Maisie to settle in and we can make a plan. I don’t know that Riley would be willing to hand over her prescriptions long-term, but it’s worth asking.”
“I’ll call her when we get inside if Maisie wants to try that,” Carter confirmed.
I nodded, not sure what else to do. The idea of not having a heat at all was both deeply enticing and unsettling, like I was disrupting the course of nature.
My upcoming heats had always stoked my anxiety, but at least I had bought into the idea that it was for a purpose.
Bryan saying I had suffered for nothing had my foundations crumbling.
I sank to my knees and he came right down with me. Nora threw herself against me in a hug, rubbing her cheek on mine.
Carter settled next to us. “I’m going to call her if you’re okay here for a minute. I’ll come right back, but I figure getting solutions sooner would be better.”
I nodded again, still not quite able to form words.
Carter kissed my forehead and dashed off, leaving me with Bryan and Nora.
“I’m so sorry,” Bryan said gently, drawing me closer, and I allowed it.
“We both have things we need to unlearn, and I know I’m very much a pot calling the kettle black in that regard, but I’m not going to be able to sleep if I can’t change your mind about what a heat experience should be.
I was never as much as Riley needed, but that was one thing I knew for certain.
Wherever else I failed her, it wasn’t in making sure she was comforted and cared for when she had her heat.
If you can skip it with suppressants, all the better, and if not, I’ll deliver meals, water, anything you need to get through it. ”
It all made sense when I sat with it. Paul savored my suffering.
If my heat was meant to be enjoyed, then of course he would find some way to ruin it.
Nothing made him angrier than my joy, and nothing seemed to make him happier than knowing he had found a way to make me miserable.
The Deckers had framed their cruelty as righteous, as well-intentioned, but it wasn’t.
I should’ve known that. From the time I’d been old enough to manage all of my siblings, I had done so, running the household while my mother went through her own heats.
My father had been ambivalent at best to her suffering.
He said he endured her suffering through the bond as his own penance, and before I had experienced the pain for myself, that might’ve been easy to accept.
Afterward, though, I knew that whatever bonded alphas endured, it was nothing to what omegas did.