Chapter 21
Ipurred, the rumble shaky from disuse. Maisie leaned into the sound, letting her eyes close.
Her peach blossom scent was tainted with distress, and I simply couldn’t abide by that.
I purred harder, determined to unravel the burnt sugar pouring out of her.
Carter’s scent had hooked into me the moment I’d experienced it, rewriting the center of my universe, which made it all the more unsettling when Maisie’s scent did the same.
How could I orbit around two separate suns?
I wasn’t worthy of either of them.
Nora crawled up, sitting on both of our laps at once.
“By-an kitty.”
My heart melted at the way she said my name.
Nora shoved her head under Maisie’s chin. “Mama kitty, too.”
I couldn’t hear Maisie purring over the sound of my own, but I was glad for it either way. Breath by breath, the burnt sugar dissipated, replaced by the sweetness of spring blossoms. I held her tighter to cover up the shake in my hands.
My own breathing shifted, panic snaking through me. The same thing had happened with Carter. The scent match was too much for me to handle. I didn’t deserve one, let alone two. How was I supposed to help her heal when I was still going through that process myself?
Nora patted my cheek, pressing a loud kiss to it. “No sad, By-an.”
I laughed at that, her tiny hand continuing to pat me like I was a dog in need of comforting.
Maisie lifted her head to look at me. “How stupid do you think I am? For believing them, I mean.”
I squawked. “Not at all. Indoctrination can happen to anyone. If it couldn’t, we wouldn’t see doctors, lawyers, and professors joining cults. And you grew up in it, so why would you question something everyone around you said was true?”
“Because I knew, on some level. I thought maybe it was different for other alphas, that mine was a rarity in taking pleasure from my suffering, but maybe it was all built around that. Could that really be what it was all about? How did they convince everyone it was the truth?”
“I…don’t know. I watched a lot of documentaries, and to outsiders, the leaders who start these movements might seem like they don’t have an ounce of charisma, but I think what they do have is the ability to see what people are desperate for: acceptance, power, purpose.
They look for what people are lacking and they provide it, at least while they’re building their empire.
Later generations don’t necessarily have to believe it the same way, because it’s all they know.
They didn’t have to buy into it, but those in power don’t want to let them go.
Where you came from isn’t the only place or people who use partners and parenthood as a chain to keep them from wandering too far. ”
“That’s why I have my children,” she confessed. “They use them as tools to keep me close, to make it harder to leave. I’ve always known that part.”
We fell into silence for a few minutes until Carter returned. My soul ached to be so close to both of them, and yet so far.
“Good news,” Carter said. “Riley is making an appointment at an omega clinic to get a supply of suppressants, and I reached out to my parents. They’re going to host a dinner so you can see Riley.”
“But…” Maisie began.
“Even if they’re somehow tracking Riley, going to visit her in-laws won’t be out of the ordinary.
They have no reason to believe she’s going there for any purpose except to visit the parents of her first bond.
We’ll park in the garage so no one working on the property sees the kids getting out, and we’ll make sure all the curtains are closed. ”
“I get to see Riley?” Maisie whimpered.
Carter nodded, beaming. “She’s excited to see you. Oh, and Bryan, my dad was hoping to talk to you about some stuff when we’re over there.”
Fuck. That meant I had to see Riley, too. I hadn’t laid eyes on my former omega since the summer when my life collapsed.
“Sure thing.”
“Cool. It’ll take a few days I think, Riley said a couple of the doctors are on parental leave so things are backed up until the replacements get settled, but it’ll still be in time to push off the heat.”
Maisie nodded, relief plain on her face. At least it gave me some time to mentally prepare to see Riley again. Hopefully she didn’t harbor too much hatred against me. I’d accepted her departure with as much grace as I could, understanding completely why she wanted to keep her distance from me.
What would she think of her sister being my scent match? I mentally cringed away from the idea of telling her. I didn’t even want Maisie herself to know. She didn’t need me to be a complication in her already tangled up life.
It didn’t matter that she felt perfect in my arms, or that I felt protective over her in a way that made it difficult to breathe. I was queasy over all she’d been through. Holding her didn’t undo the past, but I wanted to keep holding her regardless of that fact.
Carter got back onto the ground with us, tucking himself against me, Nora between him and Maisie.
My heart was making a valiant attempt to hammer straight through my ribs.
Fate had declared that Carter, Maisie, and the children were mine to protect, but it chose the wrong alpha.
Wyatt and Colt…they were the right alphas.
They were men I aspired to emulate, but I kept feeling like the best I could be next to them would only look like a child dressing in his father’s clothes.
“I should go…”
Both omegas stiffened in my arms.
“I’ll be back to help with lunch, I…I need to go.” Slipping away as carefully as I could, I waited until I got to the door before sprinting toward the guesthouse.
I watched Wyatt and Paisley meet up with everyone as they left the quonset hut, then braced when Carter caught my gaze, turning to head straight for my door.
Panic grabbed me by the throat. I thought about diving behind the couch to avoid whatever conversation was coming, but the surge of embarrassment I got from even considering it was overwhelming.
Carter knocked and I collected myself enough to answer. He could’ve come straight in, but I appreciated the restraint.
His eyes held me hostage when I swung open the door.
“What’s going on?” he asked.
“Nothing, I just—”
“Don’t lie to me.”
Shame had my cheeks warming. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize, either. Talk to me.”
I stepped aside so he could come in, moving into the kitchen to put on a kettle for tea, if only for something to do with my hands.
“Do you think if you isolate yourself enough the scent match will go away?”
I froze, my heart pounding again. “No, not exactly.”
Of course, I knew that he knew, had been told as much, but this was the first time I’d heard him address it directly. I spun slowly, keeping a hard grip on the countertop behind me to stay upright.
“Then what?”
“I suppose mostly I was trying to fix my life first.”
“By doing what?” Carter sat down at my little kitchen table.
“I don’t really know. I still have my degree and experience, even if my connections evaporated. I just feel useless. Everything was laid out clearly for me before, and now it’s all so wide open I can’t pick a direction.”
Carter tilted his head, giving me a long look. “My parents still own their company in New York. If you wanted to go back, you know we could make it happen. You don’t have to be here if you hate it.”
Those words ripped apart two different wounds at once. “I don’t hate it here, and I don’t want to go back, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. I’m too young for a midlife crisis.”
Carter didn’t acknowledge my attempt at levity. “What do you want?”
The true answer lodged in my throat. What I desperately wanted was to shed the past, for everything that had come before to disappear so it didn’t keep me on a short leash. I wanted to stop feeling like there was a wall between me and everything fate offered.
When I didn’t respond, Carter got to his feet, coming to stand directly in front of me, mere inches between us. His proximity sent me into overdrive, pulse racing, brain foggy, my fingers itchy to touch him.
“What do you want?” he repeated, laying his palm over my hammering heart.
Desire beat through me like a drum, urged on by each breath infused by Carter’s sweet peach scent.
“I can’t,” I croaked out.
“Yes you can. How long are you going to punish yourself?” Carter sighed, his fingertips sliding up my chest until he cupped my cheek.
“You know what we are to each other, and I’ll never push you.
You can stay here as long as you want. If you want to leave, I’ll help you.
If you want to restart somewhere else, we can make it happen. Just tell me what you want.”
My fingers shook when I finally reached for him, smoothing them through his hair. He had offered me a way out, a soft landing when I was crashing to the ground. I didn’t deserve him, but I did want him. How could that be enough?
The inches he’d left between us disappeared, snapping the last thread of my control. I surrendered to what we were both craving, diving into the sweetness of his mouth. Acknowledgement of the claim he had on me was a pounding beat in my blood.
Mine.
My omega.
Carter’s whimper had my brain melting out my ears. I spun us around, lifting him to perch on the counter and backing him against the cabinets. He tasted unfairly good. I wanted to make a feast out of him, and what was worse, I knew Maisie would be just as delicious if I let go and she ever offered.
Fucking hell. Desire burned hot and bright, nudging me to drop to my knees right there and pull him as close to the edge as I felt right now.
I hated feeling out of control. My growl against his lips was proof enough of that, but even though I was untethered to the world, Carter’s existence was a harness keeping me from flying away.
I needed him despite denying us both. I wouldn’t have survived the implosion of everything without his patience and immediate acceptance. He was too good for me in all ways.
I nearly came on the spot when he locked his ankles behind my back. Bracing my hands on the cabinets, I forced myself to pull back, letting our foreheads rest together so I could attempt to catch my breath.
“Why?” I whispered.
“Why what?”
I shuddered. “Why me? Why now?”
“Because I trust fate,” he replied simply, still smelling like absolute sin.
“And maybe Maisie showing up, her being a match too, made me a little more impatient than usual. I worried you’d hold yourself back forever, and when she shared herself with me…
I don’t know, I guess I hoped you’d be ready soon, too.
Nothing has to change. I know you’re not really ready. I just had a moment of being greedy.”
I laughed at that. Carter was a lot of things, but impatient and greedy weren’t among his list of characteristics. My desperation for both of them was probably being broadcasted with all the subtlety of a foghorn. “Maisie’s your match?”
Carter nodded. “Is she yours, too?”
“Yes.” The word came out cracked.
“Then I was right. We’re all supposed to be a pack.”
Gratitude and frustration clashed against one another. Two omegas and alpha brethren to share my life with. God, maybe I didn’t deserve it, but I really fucking wanted it.