Chapter Twenty-seven
Running my hands down my dress, I attempt to calm myself down. It’s really not a big deal that I’m going on a date with my omega, Evangeline, and another female alpha. It’ll all be fine. There’s nothing I can’t do if I put my mind to it.
The words fall flat, just as they have all day while I’ve been trying to psych myself up for this date. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that Paisley and I are going on a date with Evangeline, but with Tessa too? Every time I’m around her, my back goes up and I feel the need to prove that I’m better than her. I even know why I’m like this. I just don’t know how to make it stop.
“Ana, we can always cancel.” Paisley wraps her arms around my waist as she lays her head against my back. “I’m sure Evangeline will understand.”
“Sure, she will,” Malachi offers, his tone coarse. “She’ll understand that Ana can’t be around female alphas, and she’ll send us home.”
Baring my teeth to him, I have to bite back the hiss that wants to spill from my lips. “It’s your fault this is happening in the first place.”
“Yes, it is. She needed to know, Ana. I like Evageline and I think she would make a good addition to our pack. Koda, too,” he adds as an afterthought. “But she can’t choose us without all the facts.”
I lift a perfectly manicured eyebrow, tapping my fingernails against my arm. “Does that mean you’re ready to tell her about your family?”
He makes a face. “That’s not really something we can talk about on national television, is it?”
“But you’re okay with keeping that from her. If she chooses us and we bond, only for her to find out about your family and want nothing to do with us? What then, Mal? How is this any different?”
He looks like he wants to argue, but he knows I’m right. Maybe coming on Heated was a mistake. We should’ve known better. There’s no way we can let her choose us without her having all the information. I should just cancel the date and let her send us home. It’s what’s best for all of us—especially Evangeline.
“Don’t,” Nash says, lifting his head from the book he’s reading. “Don’t cancel on her. We need to give this a chance. If she chooses us, then we tell her about Mal’s family before we bond. But if you can’t do this? Then I think Mal is right and we’re going to be sent home. I don’t want to go home yet.”
Paisley moves around to stand in front of me, biting her lip. “I don’t want to go home either. I like Evangeline. I like Koda. I like the other suitors. I like being here.”
“We have to go home eventually,” I remind them all. “Even if she chooses us, we have to return home. We don’t have a choice of relocating like some of the others—if there are any other suitors not based in Los Angeles. That might make her not want us either.”
“That’s true,” Nash agrees, pushing to his feet before pulling me into his arms. “But we won’t know if we don’t try, will we? Do you not want this, Ana?”
I sigh because honestly? I don’t know. Yes, we wanted to see if Paisley and Evangeline were an omega pair—which it’s clear they’re not. No one except Evangeline is wondering about whether or not she and Koda are a pair. There’s no doubt in my mind that those two omegas are meant to be. So what does that mean for Paisley? Can we be part of a pack with three omegas? That doesn’t sound sustainable.
I can’t imagine having three omegas in heat at once. We’d need every damn suitor left on the show to be a part of the pack if that was the case.
So why are we even bothering? Why do they want me to try? Wouldn’t it be better to just give up and not worry about getting hurt when she sends us home?
“Ana?” Nash prods, and I shake my head to pull myself from my thoughts.
“I don’t know. Maybe? I just can’t see how a pack with three omegas would work. Aren’t we just setting ourselves up for heartbreak?”
Nash runs his hand through my hair. “Is it possible that we’ll fall for her and she won’t fall for us? Sure. That was always a possible outcome. But what if she does? Can you imagine? Yes, three omegas would be a lot of work, but I don’t think Evangeline is planning to choose a small pack, do you?”
Paisley snorts. “There’s no way she’ll have a small pack.”
“Fine, we’ll go on the date, and I’ll attempt to play nice with Tessa.” I pull away from Nash, giving him a soft smile. “But I’m not making any promises, and none of you will hold it against me if I end up not being able to do this.”
A smile lights up Paisley’s face as she leans in to kiss me. “I would never.”
“Neither would I,” Nash assures me before the three of us turn our attention to Malachi, who is remaining entirely too quiet on the matter.
“Hmmm?” He looks up, eyes going wide as he realizes we’re waiting to hear from him. “I’m sorry, I stopped listening. What are we talking about?”
Walking over to him, I slap the back of his head before leaning down to brush my lips against his. “You’re an asshole.”
“But you love me.” There’s no doubt in his words, and there shouldn’t be. He’s right. I do love him. “I also love you, Ana, and I won’t hold it against you. All I’m asking is for you to try.”
“And I will. You’re lucky I love you.” Standing up straight once more, I hold my hand out to Paisley. “Come on, omega. We have a date to get to.”
Now, let’s just hope I don’t ruin the whole damn thing.
“Here, let me get that for you,” Tessa says, pulling out Evangeline’s chair for her before I can even think to do it.
I’ve never been more thankful for my poker face than I am right now. Years of honing it in the courtroom has made me impossible to read if I don’t want anyone to. And right now, I really don’t want anyone in this room to know how much I’m raging on the inside right now.
“Here, Paisley,” I say softly, pulling out her chair and helping her get settled before taking my seat.
Evangeline is grinning as she looks around the table. “It’s kind of nice to be on a date with just ladies.”
Tessa hums. “It is. Don’t get me wrong, I like men just as much as I like women, but sometimes…”
“They’re just a lot?” Paisley offers and the three of them laugh together.
I don’t laugh because I’m too busy trying to keep my alpha side under control. All of my instincts are telling me to prove that out of me and Tessa, I’m the superior alpha. I need to prove that I’m the best; knock out the competition.
She’s prettier than you.
She’s more at ease than you are.
She’s warmer than you’ll ever be.
Each thought is spoken in one of my sisters’ voices, and it’s all I can do to not snarl out loud.
I don’t need to hear my thoughts in their voices. I never need to hear their voices again.
Fuck. I know I promised I would try for my pack, but I don’t think I can do this.
I lay my hands in my lap, closing them into fists and digging my nails into my palms. I need to get myself under control. It’s one of the things I pride myself in—always being in control.
Yet, Tessa sitting across the table from me has me unraveling at the edges. I’m turning into the woman my mother always said I would be—weak, overly emotional, and lacking control. I don’t want to be this person. I want this date to go well. I want Evangeline to choose my pack.
I just also want her to not choose Tessa.
I jump when a hand touches my arm. My eyes shoot up to meet Paisley’s, and she gives me a sad smile. “I’m sorry. I was lost in my head. Did I miss something?”
At least my voice comes out sounding strong and doesn’t reveal how hard I’m fighting the storm within myself.
“Evangeline was asking if you were okay with getting an appetizer sampler? Well, two of them if we all want to eat off them.” Paisley forces herself to brighten her smile, but I can still see the taint of sadness there. She knows I’m failing, and she knows what that means for us.
I want to be strong for my omega—for my pack. I have to be strong for them. What the hell kind of head alpha am I if I can’t stand to be around Tessa? It shouldn’t be this hard.
“Yes. That sounds good.” I try to smile, but it feels brittle, and there’s no hiding the coldness in my words.
I really am failing.
Both Tessa and Evangeline are wearing forced smiles as they glance between me and Paisley. Evangeline clears her throat and turns back to the server, who I hadn’t noticed before now. “We’ll take two of the samplers, and I think we need a few more minutes before we’re ready to place our orders.”
“I’m sorry. I haven’t even looked at the menu yet.” Forcing myself to relax as much as I can, I reach up to open said menu. “I’m sorry if I’m making the rest of you have to wait.”
“It’s quite alright,” Tessa offers hesitantly. “I’m used to going out to eat with Bree and her pack. Bree is the worst about choosing what she wants to eat, and Kai is even worse since he’s a chef. I swear, we sat there for an hour once while the two of them tried to figure out what they wanted to eat.”
Here Tessa is, offering me an olive branch and all I want to do is snap at her. What the fuck is wrong with me? But I already know the answer to that, and now isn’t the time to be thinking about it.
Instead, I force myself to continue smiling. “That must be a pain.”
She laughs, her face softening as a genuine smile falls across her face. “It can be, but I love her and her pack, so I’m willing to put up with it.”
“If I take too long choosing what I want to eat, one of my pack will order for me,” Paisley says with a laugh. “They’re all a bit impatient, but at least they know me well enough to know what I’ll want to eat.”
Evangeline hums. “I’m not sure how I feel about having someone else order food for me. I haven’t had a lot of experience with it, but I’m sure it’s helpful when I can’t make up my mind.”
“Oh, it really is.” Paisley reaches over to take my hand, squeezing it as I try to focus on the menu. “It’s one of the things I love most about being a part of a pack. I’m often indecisive, and they help me choose or choose for me. It’s a weight off my shoulders. Though I guess I should want to be less indecisive, but there’s just something about having them take care of me that I love.”
“I can see that.” The smile Evangeline and Paisley share has me smiling as well—until Tessa speaks up.
“I don’t think I’d want to choose for my omega,” she says slowly, glancing at me before focusing on Paisley. “Even if they wanted me to choose. I don’t think that’s the kind of alpha I want to be.”
Anger and annoyance sweep through me, raging around inside of me as I bite my cheek to keep from snapping at her. Of course, she thinks that I’m a bad alpha. Why wouldn’t she? Why wouldn’t anyone?
Everyone always has their opinions on what I do. Why should Tessa be any different? Everyone always wants to tell me how I’m failing at being an alpha.
“Ana!” Paisley gasps, and when I look up at her, I find her eyes wide.
Taking a quick glance at Evangeline and Tessa, I realize I must have spoken that part out loud. Fuck.
“I wasn’t judging you, Ana. Every alpha is different,” Tessa says slowly. “Just because I don’t want to be that kind of alpha, doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with it. I don’t think you’re failing at being an alpha. In fact, I think you’re doing an amazing job. From what Paisley has been telling me, you have an amazing career as a lawyer, and you’re the head alpha of your pack. Not many female alphas can say that, can they?”
Why is it that I can only focus on the fact that Paisley has been talking to her? Why has my omega been seeking out another alpha? Are Malachi and I not enough for her? Of course, it has nothing to do with Malachi. He’s everything she needs in an alpha, it’s me that’s lacking. That’s why she’s been seeking out the only other female alpha. She needs someone stronger—someone who isn’t me.
“Ana?” Paisley’s voice is quiet as she reaches for me again, but I brush her off.
“I don’t know why I’m here. It’s clear that neither Paisley nor Evangeline needs me when you’re around, Tessa.” I push to my feet, fighting back the rage trying to spew from me. I need to get out of here. I need to get back to the compound—away from the omegas who don’t need me and the alpha who is obviously better than me.
“No, Ana!” Paisley pushes her chair back, ignoring when it tips over on its side. “I always need you. This isn’t a competition.”
“Isn’t it, though?” Narrowing my eyes at my omega, I scoff. “It’s always a competition when there are alphas involved. You’ve been seeking out Tessa, which tells me that you’ve found something lacking in your pack. I don’t know what else it would be besides me, so I’m just going to remove myself from the situation and allow you to get what you need from her.”
“Ana, it’s not like that.” Paisley’s voice is pleading, and part of me feels bad about my words, but it’s like the rage fills me up and makes me forget everything else.
“It’s really not, Ana,” Tessa says as she and Evangeline also stand. “She’s never sought me out specifically. We’ve only ever spoken in groups. She’s never shown any interest in me, but I’ve been curious about you and your pack. I would’ve asked you, but you don’t seem to like me, so I haven’t tried.”
“Of course, I don’t like you. You’re trying to take my omega away from me and block any chance I have with Evangeline.” Even as the words spill from my lips, I know they’re not true. But if they’re not true, then why do they feel true?
Evangeline grimaces, and I know I’ve fucked this up so badly. “This might have been a mistake. I shouldn’t have forced the two of you to be around one another when it was clear that you weren’t comfortable. I’m sorry, Ana.”
I scoff again. “You’re sorry for rubbing it in my face just how much better of an alpha Tessa is? Well, don’t be. I already know. Everyone is a better alpha than me.”
“I never said that. Don’t put words in my mouth.” Evangeline’s back goes ramrod straight. “I’m not sure what’s going on inside your head, but you’re definitely seeing things that aren’t there. Maybe you should stop by and talk to Finn—“
“Now you’re calling me crazy?” I throw my head back as I laugh, feeling more than a little crazy. “That’s just great.”
“Evangeline, I’m sorry,” Paisley says as she wraps her arm around my waist. “I need to get her back to the pack. This isn’t going to work.”
Snorting, I shake my head as I try to pull out of her hold, but Paisley is far from weak. “Don’t try to handle me, omega.”
“I want to go back to the compound, Ana. I don’t want to be here anymore. Please, take me back?”
I blink at the tears in her eyes and the pleading in her voice. My omega needs me.
“Of course. We’ll have the driver take us home so Tessa and Evangeline can have their date.” I pull Paisley into my side, feeling the emotions leveling out and leaving me feeling empty. “I don’t want you to be anywhere you’re not comfortable.”
I see Paisley share a look with Evangeline, but I refuse to turn my head toward the other omega as it will also mean looking at Tessa. I need to focus on Paisley and remove her from this situation that’s completely my fault. I’m the one who did this to her—that made her cry. I don’t know how I’ll make it better, but I will.
“I’ll see you later, Evangeline,” Paisley calls as I lead her toward the door.
“Yeah. Bye.”
It takes more effort than I’d like to admit to not turn around and look at Evangeline. The disappointment is clear in her tone, and I hate disappointing anyone, but clearly coming on the show was a mistake. I’m obviously not over my issues as much as I thought I was.
“I’m sorry,” I murmur as I pull Paisley more firmly against my side. “I tried—I really did.”
“It’s fine.”
But her tone tells me it isn’t fine. I just don’t know if I can make it up to her or not.
I wish I could be a better alpha for her. I wish I could be everything she wants or needs. But I’m not sure I can be and that hurts more than it should.