36. Lohtus
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
LOHTUS
I ’d never been half hard for so long in my entire life. This was fucking torturous. My cock needed a break.
The slap of the knife on the cutting board made me blink back into focus. I was cutting potatoes for dinner. Prep like this was something that Kasen usually did, but he was outside with Colby.
I glanced up and out the window to where Colby and Kasen were. They were sitting on a lounge chair, facing each other. Kasen between Colby’s legs, Colby’s bent at the knees, boxing him in. My sweet beta had a big smile on his face. Hell, even Colby’s smile was big.
I’d had my concerns initially. When Kasen told us that Colby made a tired comment that alluded to them being wary of betas, I was worried. Not because Kasen had immediately been drawn to Colby, but because my beta was the sweetest man and it would have crushed him if they’d kept their distance from him because of something others had done to them.
My boy had some rough edges, but I hadn’t seen them in quite a while. He’d finally found comfort in his home, in me and Blakely and the rest of our motley crew of a pack. I was even more relieved that Colby wasn’t so put off from his ordeal that he was unwilling to pursue something with Kasen.
I’d said we’d have made it work, but honestly, in hindsight, I wasn’t sure how that would have worked out. I wasn’t sure it could have.
The thwack of my knife made me glance down again. I really ought to pay attention so I didn’t cut my finger off. No one wanted bloody potatoes for dinner.
These last few days had been stressful. We knew our lives were about to be disrupted, but because of Talya’s impending heat, we were in limbo. It was made all the worse because we knew that they were aiming to split us up.
I wouldn’t let that happen. Fuck that. This was my pack. Our pack.
Glancing into the living room, I could just make out Talya on Emerald’s chest as she slept off the remnants of her last spike. Not going to lie, her spikes were making us all a little restless. I wondered how it was in other packs. Was everyone always on edge like this? Or was the added stress of knowing that we had a battle to fight after her heat adding to our disquiet?
Maybe it wasn’t her heat at all. Maybe it was her near abduction. It made us all a little wild to know that those fuckers hadn’t been swayed at all by being in the middle of the fucking town. I didn’t think they would’ve made it far if they had managed to get Talya into their car. There was no way in fucking hell they’d have made it off the island.
In some ways, we were still safest here. We had an entire island at our backs, ready to protect us. It wasn’t like we had to worry about everyone’s cover being blown. Talya was an omega, and everyone knew omegas were at risk of abduction.
Sure, usually only unbonded omegas, so that was new.
Ainsley’s sigh turned my attention to him. He was sitting at the end of the counter, absently watching me chop potatoes. He’d been there since before I came down to prep for dinner, silently staring at nothing.
I finished the last potato and pushed the bowl away. After washing and drying my hands, I continued down the kitchen island until I was standing at his side so I could bring his head to my chest.
He relaxed into me. “I still feel like shit,” he muttered.
There was no need to ask what he was referring to. Ainsley was almost always pretty mild tempered, but we’d all been afraid when Talya and Emerald had returned home from their incident. To see Talya hysterically break down in fear had affected all of us. It only heightened Ainsley’s fear.
I’d never seen him act the way he had, and I sure as fuck wouldn’t have expected him to bite Emerald like that. Without question. Without discussion. I wasn’t surprised he was feeling guilty.
“You can feel that he’s not upset about it. Can’t you?”
He nodded, though he still seemed unconvinced. “I can still feel his… doubt. Anxiety. I didn’t know he felt either of those.”
I smiled a little, glancing into the other room again to where he held Talya while she slept. I didn’t think any of us knew that Emerald felt doubt or anxiety or insecurity. He was a very confident person who hid it well.
“Can I give you some advice?”
Ainsley nodded.
“Em and Kasen aren’t omegas.”
He looked up at me with bemusement. I grinned.
“Just hear me out.”
Sighing, he rested his head against my heart again. I brought my attention to Kasen and Colby outside. They were kissing now, the kind of kissing that took place between words and in the middle of sentences, their grins still shining on their faces.
“When I first started to court Kasen, he was constantly pushing boundaries. Bratting and sassing. Blake and I were frustrated since these moods came and went without a pattern to explain them. It took us a while to figure out that he was acting out because he was scared. He was insecure. Omegas know that they’re wanted, that they’re special and cherished and loved. They don’t need to be reminded because they expect it. That’s what they’re taught and how they’re raised. Betas are taught the exact opposite—plentiful, ordinary, unwanted, unworthy.”
Ainsley sighed.
“Once Blake and I realized that he needed reassurance to alleviate his fears, we made sure he had it constantly. Every day. He requires it less now. I think a combination of our bonds and his comfort has finally convinced him that we want him and love him. But he’s had an entire lifetime of societal narrative telling him he’s unlovable because he’s a beta.”
“Emerald needs assurance,” Ainsley said. It wasn’t so much a question as a show that he was trying to understand.
“When’s the last time you talked about a bond or making him part of our pack?”
“Right before Talya and Colby arrived.”
“No. Your words, and I quote, were ‘you should be here because you’re always here.’”
Ainsley winced.
“I know Em is something different. Em knows he’s something different. But what he is is a beta, which means he’s had the same upbringing as every other beta.”
He turned his face into my chest, his arm wrapping around my waist. “I guess we haven’t talked about it in a long time. I guess… I didn’t think we needed to. I thought we were already on the same page.”
“Kasen once told me that some of the friends he grew up with would allow themselves to be fuck buddies to the local alphas while they looked for a pack or waited for an omega. They’d pretend that it was real, that they were wanted. As you can imagine, it was devastating when the alpha threw them away.”
Ainsley flinched again, and his muttered curse was lost in the fabric of my shirt.
“It’s different on the island. If for no other reason than the lack of alphas. But I would still wager a bet that they’re taught the exact same narrative concerning their designation as the rest of the world is.”
“I didn’t realize that’s what he needed. I didn’t think… I really thought he knew how I felt.”
“He does. I’m sure he does. But when you’re not reminded of that vocally, it leaves room for doubt and insecurity and the voices of society to creep in. Just remind him. Often. I think you’ll find it cathartic to tell him, too. Blake and I still assure Kasen how much we love and cherish him, how much we want him, nearly every day. I think it’s made our bonds stronger.”
Ainsley sighed. “Thanks, Lohtus.”
I continued to hold him for a minute longer until he sat up straight, then I moved back to my station and reached for the carrots. A few minutes later, Ainsley got to his feet and took up a spot next to me to begin chopping onions.
I’d gotten through three carrots when the side door opened. Ronan walked in with an enormous case of bottled water, and I watched him, amused, as he headed for the nest. When he met my eyes, I was rewarded with a hint of a smile.
Minutes later, he walked back through. Once again, he came in with another enormous case of water. “Ronan, we have water,” Ainsley said.
“Convenience,” he said as he continued without pause.
When he came back through, I asked, “You need help?”
He shook his head. This time, when he came back in, he had more than a dozen shopping bags. I chuckled as he walked by.
Finally, he seemed to finish unloading and joined us at the counter, taking up the seat Ainsley had vacated. Silence filled the kitchen except for the sound of our knives on the cutting boards. Kasen’s quiet laughter. The muted mumble of the television.
“You nervous?” Ainsley asked.
I glanced up to find him looking at Ronan.
Ronan sighed. “Yes, but not because of her heat. I’m anxious for everything else, and I need to stay busy so I don’t drive myself crazy.”
“It’ll be alright,” I assured him.
He sighed again. “It will be because there’s no other option. I don’t give a fuck what I have to do to make sure we stay together.”
I set the knife down and gripped his wrist. Ronan met my eyes, and I once again received a small smile. “We will be,” I agreed. “There is no other option.”
He nodded, and I returned to cutting.
“I’m nervous about her heat,” Ainsley said quietly.
“Why?” I asked.
“Unlike you, I didn’t have practice at Heat Hideaway.”
I snorted at his teasing.
He gave me a shy smile. “I’ve never been with an omega,” he said. “I’ve never…”
“It’s a trip,” I said. “Ronan will talk you through it.”
Ainsley flushed as he glanced at Ronan. “You’re not nervous at all?”
“Not my first heat,” Ronan said, and I felt Ainsley’s surprise.
I wasn’t entirely surprised. None of us had shared much about our pasts. Kasen was the most vocal, and obviously Emerald didn’t have a past he was trying to forget. But we all knew little pieces here and there, things we’d mentioned in passing. A memory every now and again.
Except for Ronan. The only things we’d learned about Ronan were by observation. He’d done something that had to do with flowers because he was amazing at arrangements. There had been other things like that, but he’d never, never volunteered or even accidentally said something about his past.
“It’s not?” Ainsley asked.
Ronan shook his head, his gaze trained on the room where Talya was asleep. He didn’t offer anything else.
“Well…” Ainsley said, his words trailing off. “I guess I only know what to expect from textbooks.”
I chuckled.
“It’s exactly like that and nothing like that,” Ronan said, amused. “But don’t overthink it. It’s not that kind of activity. Give in to your instincts, and it’ll be fine.”
“I don’t want to hurt her,” Ainsley murmured.
My knife paused as I glanced at him again. “Ainsley, she’s made exactly to handle your instincts. For all the bullshit in the world, alphas and omegas were designed as interlocking pieces of a two-piece puzzle. You’re not going to hurt her.”
“Logically, I know that, but I’m still irrationally concerned that I will. And then there’s Colby.”
“What about him?” Ronan asked.
“He’s never shared her during her heat. It’s one thing to be sharing her spikes when he has Lohtus, Blakely, and Kasen to distract him, but when it’s just us in the nest? You don’t think he’s going to turn possessive?”
I looked out at Colby and Kasen again, but nothing had changed. They were still stealing kisses as they talked.
“No,” Ronan said. “They’ve been looking for a pack for ten years, Ainsley. They’re ready for a pack. It doesn’t take much to look at Colby and know he’s ready to share the burden of being the single alpha in Talya’s life. No matter how much he loves her, no matter how much he’s happily sacrificed to take care of her, an omega wasn’t made for a single alpha to take care of. Honestly, I can’t fathom how he’s managed to bring her through her heats alone.”
Aisley paused in his chopping and looked outside, watching Colby for a minute. “I hadn’t thought about that.”
“Because your focus is on Talya, not Colby. Colby’s ready for a little attention to be given to him. Even if that’s not a thought that’s occurred to him,” Ronan said.
“Isn’t your focus on Talya?” Ainsley asked, raising a brow.
Ronan nodded, but no further explanation was offered. The mystery deepened.
“Trust me. Colby will be fine sharing his omega. Have you never noticed the content smile he watches with when one of us is taking care of her?”
Ainsley frowned, shaking his head. “I’m a shitty alpha,” he grumbled. His knife hit the cutting board a little harder.
“You’re not,” Ronan and I said together.
“You don’t need to pay attention to Colby’s needs, Ainsley,” I said. “I have that under control. You continue focusing on Em and Talya. You’re an amazing alpha to them both.”
I knew that his current mindset wasn’t going to allow him to believe that. Only going through Talya’s heat would help alleviate his worries. I was also confident that it would go a long way toward mending the rickety bridge between him and Emerald, too.
“Fuck’s sake, Blakely,” Emerald hissed from the other room.
The three of us turned toward the commotion as Blakely dropped onto the couch with Emerald and Talya. Talya’s quiet giggle reached my ears. Even as Emerald continued to grumble, he adjusted his and Talya’s positions on the couch to allow room for Blakely. He shifted so he could hold my alpha, gently running his fingers through Blakely’s hair just as he was softly running his other hand along Talya’s arm.
“He’s more alpha than he realizes,” Ronan said quietly.
Ainsley and I nodded.
“It comes more naturally than the other designations,” Ainsley said. “As long as you don’t call attention to it, he’s fine letting it happen. Someone somewhere made him concerned that his ability to move between designations was going to make him a substitute alpha or substitute omega for someone who didn’t have one.”
“And that’s why he needs reassurance,” I said.
Ainsley met my eyes then inclined his head in agreement. I nudged my shoulder into his and offered him an encouraging smile.
“He wants to be here. He wants to be yours. Don’t let your irritation with yourself make you react coldly, Ainsley. Okay?”
“I won’t.”
“Good.” I hoped he meant that.