Chapter 19
Chapter Nineteen
LILY
Something was wrong. I'd felt it all day on the ship—a strange restlessness under my skin, a warmth that wouldn't fade no matter how many times I splashed cold water on my face. My clothes felt too rough against my body. Every sound seemed too loud, every smell too strong.
I'd taken my suppressant that morning, same as always. But something was different. Now, floating in the water with them, the feeling was worse. So much worse.
"Lily?" Thane's voice drifted toward me, his golden-brown eyes soft with concern, honey-colored hair swirling around his face. "You seem distracted tonight."
"I'm fine," I said automatically, but my voice came out strange. Rougher than usual. "Just tired."
The lie tasted bitter on my tongue. I wasn't tired.
I was the opposite of tired—every nerve ending felt like it was on fire, and their proximity was making it worse.
Kaelan's hand rested on my lower back, and where his skin touched mine, I felt heat.
Too much heat. Like his touch was branding me through the thin fabric of my shirt.
"Fine," Riven repeated flatly, his scarred face skeptical. He drifted closer, nostrils flaring, and something in his expression shifted. Sharpened. "You don't smell fine."
"Riven," Vale said softly, a warning in his silver eyes. Riven ignored him, swimming closer still. His golden eyes were fixed on me with an intensity that made my stomach flip.
"What do I smell like?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady. He didn't answer. Instead, he looked at Kaelan, something unspoken passing between them.
"What?" I demanded, frustration bleeding into my voice. "What's going on?"
Kaelan's hand tightened on my back. "When did you last take your suppressant?"
"This morning," I said, frowning at him. "Same as every morning. Why?"
Silence. Heavy, loaded silence.
"Lily," Kaelan said carefully, his voice strained like he was holding something back by sheer force of will. "What else do you feel tonight? Besides tired?" I thought about it. Really thought, past the strange fog that seemed to have settled over my mind.
"Warm," I admitted, my fingers twisting together. "And restless. Like I can't get comfortable. And my skin feels..." I trailed off, heat flooding my cheeks.
"Sensitive," Vale finished quietly, appearing at my side. His silver eyes were dark, pupils blown wide. "Your skin feels sensitive."
"Yes," I whispered, embarrassment making my voice small. "And I keep wanting to touch you. All of you. More than usual. I don't know why it's so much worse tonight."
Riven made a sound low in his throat—not quite a growl, not quite a groan. Something in between that made my stomach clench.
"She doesn't know," Thane said softly, his golden-brown eyes wide with something that looked almost like wonder. "She really doesn't know."
"Know what?" I asked, looking between them, frustration building in my chest. "What's happening to me?"
Kaelan's thumb stroked across my hip, achingly gentle. "You're going into pre-heat, Lily. Your body is preparing." The words didn't make sense. Couldn't make sense.
"That's impossible," I said, shaking my head. "I took my suppressant this morning. I haven't missed a dose in years."
"Suppressants can only do so much," Vale said, his voice silk and concern.
He drifted closer, his hand finding my knee underwater, silver hair floating around his face like moonlight.
"You've been exposed to four alphas who want you desperately.
Every night for a while. Our scents, our touch, our—" He paused, swallowing.
"Your body is responding to us. Fighting through the suppressants. "
"We've been scenting you," Riven added, his golden eyes burning into mine, jaw tight with tension. "Heavily. Constantly. Your body thinks it's being courted by a pack. It's preparing for what comes next."
I stared at him. At all of them.
They were right. Of course they were right. I'd known, somewhere in the back of my mind, that this was a possibility. That spending every night surrounded by alpha pheromones, being scented and kissed and held, would eventually overwhelm what my suppressants could handle.
I just hadn't expected it to happen so fast.
"How long?" I asked, my voice steadier than I felt. "How long do I have before..."
"Hard to say," Kaelan said, his jaw tight, a muscle ticking beneath the skin. "A few days. Maybe a week if you increase your suppressant dose and avoid anything that might accelerate it."
"Like being around you," I said flatly, the realization settling like a stone in my stomach.
"Yes," he admitted, the word torn from him, rough with pain. "Like being around us."
I laughed—a sharp, bitter sound that echoed strangely in the water.
"So my options are to stay away from you and maybe delay the inevitable, or keep coming to you and go into heat faster," I said, shaking my head. "That's not much of a choice."
"There's a third option," Riven said, his voice low and intense. His hand found my chin, tilting my face toward him, claws carefully retracted. "Come with us. Let us take you somewhere safe before your heat hits. Let us take care of you."
My heart stuttered in my chest.
"Riven—" Kaelan started, warning clear in his tone.
"No," Riven interrupted, his golden eyes never leaving mine, fierce and desperate.
"She needs to know what we're offering. What we can give her.
" His thumb traced my lower lip, feather-light, making me shiver.
"If your heat hits on that ship, every alpha on board will know what you are.
The suppressants won't matter anymore—your scent will break through everything.
They'll fight over you. Hurt you. Use you.
" His voice dropped to a growl, vibrating through the water.
"Or you come with us. Let us be the ones to see you through it.
Let us worship you the way you deserve."
I couldn't breathe. Couldn't think past the heat building under my skin and the desperate want in his eyes.
"I..." I started, but the word stuck in my throat.
"She hasn't decided yet," Vale said softly, and there was no accusation in his voice. Just gentle understanding, his silver eyes warm with patience. "She's not ready."
"Then she needs to GET ready," Riven snarled, wheeling on him, his scarred face twisted with frustration. "She doesn't have time to—"
"Enough." Kaelan's voice cracked through the water like a whip, alpha authority ringing in every syllable. Even Riven flinched. "This is her choice. It has always been her choice. We don't get to make it for her, no matter how much we want to."
Riven's jaw clenched so hard I heard his teeth grind. But he backed off, his hands dropping to his sides, claws extending and retracting in a frustrated rhythm.
"I know what I want," I said quietly, and all four of them went still. "I want you. All of you. I want to stay, I want to be yours, I want—" My voice cracked, emotion overwhelming me. "I want everything you're offering."
"Then take it," Thane breathed, his eyes shining with desperate hope, tears already gathering at the corners. "Please, Lily. Just take it."
"I can't," I said, and the words felt like glass in my throat. "Not yet. I'm not—I don't know how to just... choose. To trust that this is real. That you won't..." I couldn't finish.
"Won't what?" Kaelan asked, his voice impossibly gentle. He pulled me against his chest, his hand cradling the back of my head. "What are you afraid of, little one?"
Everything. I was afraid of everything. I was afraid that this was too good to be true.
That I'd wake up and find out it was all a dream, or a trick, or some elaborate game they were playing.
I was afraid that if I let myself believe in this—really believe—it would be ripped away from me like everything else good in my life.
I was afraid that I didn't know how to be loved. That I'd been broken for so long I'd forgotten how to be whole.
"I've been running for eight months," I whispered against his chest, my voice muffled by his skin.
"Before that, I spent years preparing to run.
My whole life has been about survival. About getting through one more day, one more hour, one more minute.
" I pulled back to look at him, at all of them.
"I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to stay. "
"We'll teach you," Vale said, his voice like a promise, warm and sure. He moved closer, his hand finding mine, fingers intertwining. "The same way we taught you to swim. One lesson at a time."
"What if I can't learn?" I asked, my voice barely audible. "What if I'm too broken?"
"You're not broken," Riven said fiercely, and I startled at the intensity in his voice.
He crowded close, his scarred face filling my vision, golden eyes blazing.
"You're the strongest person I've ever known.
You've survived things that would have destroyed anyone else.
You're not broken, Lily. You're fucking magnificent. "
Tears burned in my eyes. I blinked them back, but more came.
"I need time," I said, hating how weak it sounded. "I know I don't have much of it, but I need—I need to be sure. When I choose you, I want it to be because I'm ready. Not because I'm scared, not because I'm running out of options. Because I'm ready."
The silence that followed was heavy with disappointment. With fear. With desperate, aching want. Then Kaelan nodded, his expression resolute despite the pain in his eyes.
"Then we get you more time," he said, his voice rough but steady. "Double your suppressant dose. Stay in cold water when you can. And—" He paused, something flickering in his dark eyes. "We should scent you less. Give your body a chance to calm down."
The thought of them not scenting me made something in my chest ache. My omega whined at the very idea.
"I don't care." I said, lifting my chin despite the ache. "I care about being sure."
"Then that's what we'll do," he agreed, pressing a kiss to my forehead, lingering there like he was memorizing the feeling. "But Lily—you need to understand something."
"What?" I asked, searching his face.
He pulled back, his dark eyes boring into mine, deadly serious.
"When your heat finally hits—and it will hit, no matter what we do—you won't be able to make rational decisions.
The hormones will take over. You'll want us so badly it will feel like dying, and you won't be able to say no," he said, his voice dropping low.
"If you're still on that ship when that happens. .."
He didn't need to finish. I knew what would happen. Every alpha on board would sense it. Would come for me. There would be nothing I could do to stop them.
"How long?" I asked, squaring my shoulders. "Realistically. How long can we delay it?"
"A few days at most," Vale said quietly, his silver eyes soft with worry. "Your body has already started the process. We can slow it down, but we can't stop it."
A few days. That was all I had. A few days to figure out if I could trust this. Trust them. Trust myself.
Kaelan glanced upward, toward the distant surface. "The potion is wearing off. You need to go back soon."
He was right. I could feel it—the subtle shift in my lungs, the first hint of tightness that meant my time underwater was ending. I always had to go back. Always had to leave them and return to that ship, to the pretense of being someone I wasn't.
"Okay," I said, forcing strength into my voice. "Then I have a few days to decide."
"And if you decide you want to stay?" Thane asked, his voice small, hopeful, terrified, his golden-brown eyes glistening. "What then?"
I looked at him. At his golden-brown eyes swimming with tears, at the desperate love written across his face. At all of them, these ancient, terrifying, beautiful creatures who had somehow decided I was worth centuries of devotion.
"Then I stay," I said simply, letting the truth of it settle in my chest. "Forever." The sound Thane made was almost a sob. He crashed into me, his arms wrapping around my waist, his face buried in my neck, his whole body trembling.
"Please," he whispered against my skin, the word hot and desperate. "Please choose us. Please stay. I can't—I can't lose you, Lily. Not now. Not ever."
I held him, stroking his hair, feeling the tremors that ran through his body.
"I want to," I admitted, and it felt like confessing a secret. "More than I've ever wanted anything. I just need to be brave enough to take it."
"You're already brave," Kaelan said, his hand settling on my back, warm and steady. "You've been brave your whole life. This is just one more step."
The tightness in my lungs increased. A warning.
"I have to go," I said reluctantly, pulling back from Thane's embrace. They escorted me toward the surface, swimming close on all sides, reluctant to let me go. At the place where the dark water met the moonlit shallows beneath the ship, they stopped.
"Tomorrow night," Kaelan said, catching my chin, forcing me to meet his eyes, his grip gentle but insistent. "Don't wait too long. Please."
I thought about the ship above me. About Cort, who watched me with hungry eyes.
About the crew, who would tear me apart if they knew what I was.
About the life waiting for me on land—running, hiding, always looking over my shoulder.
Then I thought about this. About them. About the feeling of being held, being wanted, being precious instead of profitable.
"I won't," I promised, meaning it with every fiber of my being. "I won't wait too long." I surfaced alone, gasping real air into my lungs, and climbed the rope ladder back to the ship.
Behind me, four pairs of eyes watched from the darkness.
I just had to figure out how to stop being afraid.