Chapter 42
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
Kenny
O n the table in front of me sat plates with a decimated pile of croissants, profiteroles, cookies, miniature quiches, and a little tea pot we’d mostly drained of a nice black tea.
My friends each sat with their attention on the TV and Kit was curled up on my lap. Stone had brought Bear, who lay prone next to him, one paw on the man’s socked foot.
“I love this part,” I said, allowing the emotion to rush in.
Yes, I’d cried today. But not much.
No, I didn’t regret it.
I’d seen these men, especially Stone, but Cookie once or twice, too, at their lowest. I wouldn’t say this was a low, but I was struggling, and I couldn’t have been more grateful not to have to do it alone.
The fact that my support team came equipped with an actual gourmet tea party didn’t hurt .
“I feel weird that you’re tearing up and they’ve just accidentally collided while naked,” Luc said, giving me an expert side eye.
My eyes burned. “It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s fiiiiiine.”
He chuckled, and Stone’s lips pulled up into an almost-smile.
“It’s just the lack of sleep. And also the beautiful inevitability that Sandy B will absolutely fall for Ryan Reynolds, as we all do. She just doesn’t know it yet.”
Luc let out what I liked to think of as his adoring groan and Stone reached for a croissant.
“Are you going to talk to us about it? Or are we going to pretend to watch The Proposal all morning?” Luc asked.
I gasped, hand to my heart. “How dare you.”
He rolled his eyes. “I know you love it, but it’s not my favorite and you’ll just have to accept that about me.”
“I don’t like how she tries to feed Kevin to the eagle,” Stone grumped.
Bear’s head popped up, and he eyed Stone, then dropped back down, almost as if to say, “I’d like to see an eagle eat me.” He weighed northwards of eighty pounds and could rest his paws on Stone’s shoulders if he stood on his hind legs, so good luck to the apex predator.
All their griping had me smiling, which I had to appreciate. There had been enough times in my life when I could hardly summon a flash of teeth, let alone a genuine smile. These men were with me whether I was sunny Barbie or broody or tearful Kenny, or anything in between.
“We can talk about it.” I paused the movie because I wasn’t about to talk over it. “I just don’t know that there’s much to say.”
“Try,” Stone demanded in that low, quiet voice of his. It was not unlike Beast’s approach, although there wouldn’t have been much gentleness in Beast’s order, or at least not until recently.
I inhaled, wondering where to begin. I should update them on my mom’s call and all of that nonsense, but what I really wanted to talk about was Liz.
“So I’m in love with her.” I swallowed, relief and a little flame of terror at saying it aloud burning bright in my chest.
Both men nodded like they knew this already.
Um, okay. “Was it that obvious?”
“Yes.” They spoke in unison, an event I would’ve appreciated a great deal more if it had been almost any other moment.
“We went out last night. Had a great meal. Went back to her place…” My eyes fell to my hands and I swallowed hard. “Had a nice time.”
“But?” Luc prompted.
“I’m not sure there’s a but. That’s the stupid thing. We didn’t sleep together, mostly because of me. I just had this moment where that’s where we were heading and I felt, like, destroyed.”
When I glanced up, Stone’s eyes narrowed on me, clearly waiting for more, and Luc took a drink of his tea like it was a shot.
“I want everything with her and it’s already breaking me that she’s leaving. And I hate that because she’s still here. I knew if we went any further it would be so much harder to move forward once she goes. It makes me a coward and selfish and probably not much of a man or whatever, but I couldn’t push for something I knew I’d only have for a while and then lose.” I exhaled sharply, the words tumbling fast enough I wasn’t breathing normally between sentences.
“What did she do?” Luc asked .
I sighed long and slow, slumping back into the couch. “She saw it all over my face. She’s incredibly intelligent and of course, she saw right through me. I didn’t make excuses and I didn’t explain. She didn’t fight me or shame me. She just let me go.”
Even that had hurt in a way—both in how I would’ve loved for her to fight for more information or some kind of explanation, and because her very choice not to push me for my reasoning meant she understood me.
She might not love me back, but she cared for me and hadn’t liked seeing me hurting. She got it in the moment, and whenever we talked, I hoped she’d still understand.
“First, this has nothing to do with manhood. Not rushing into sex is wise and any person’s prerogative, and I’m going to give you a pass on that statement earlier because you’ve just had all your feelings dredged up with your family’s visit.” Luc’s face was stern and almost unlike himself, but one thing he wouldn’t tolerate was his friends in pain of their own making.
“You’re right. I don’t believe it was ‘beta’ or whatever. It’s just who I am, and I’m not ashamed of that. I like myself most of the time, and I think she does, too. It’s just one more little thing contributing to the mess in my head.”
Both men nodded, understanding my point.
“You need to talk to her,” Stone said.
I scrubbed a hand over my face. “I know. But I don’t really want to tell her I love her. I don’t want to complicate things any more. And I’m afraid it’s just going to spill out the second I look her in the eye. Plus, she is leaving, and I don’t want to ruin the time we might have with those feelings clouding everything, which is also assuming she’ll even be willing to spend time with me after this.”
Stone’s glare was pointed and Luc huffed.
“Your feelings are not a problem.”
My lips pressed together.
“It’s okay to feel however you feel. If she’s no longer interested in spending time with you?—”
“It’s her loss.” We all said it together like we’d choreographed it in an official support group.
I chuckled even though my throat burned with emotion. “I know. It’s just not that simple. She’s not going to be mean or dismissive. But she might say it’s better for both of us, and she might be right.”
They waited, quiet, letting this truth settle in the space around us. Kit’s ears perked up and he stood, then bolted from the couch and down the hallway.
“That’s what she’s gonna do, if she’s smart,” I said, smiling after the weirdo little beast. He was more of the gangly teen instead of a tiny kitten these days, and he’d gotten both more snuggly and more edgy.
“No, she’s not. If she doesn’t want to date you, that’s okay. You’ll handle it. But assuming she’s going to say something without asking her isn’t respecting her or even yourself.” Luc gave me a good ol’ fashioned stare down for a minute before he stood and held his arms wide.
I rose and accepted his offering, hugging him tightly before he released me and shoved me toward the couch.
With a chuckle, I pulled the blanket over me and grabbed the remote. “Any more pieces of wisdom, or can we get back to this cinematic jewel?”
We watched the movie, and I tried to soak in the antics of the cast and the delight of Ryan Reynolds finally calling Sandra Bullock’s character on her crap and insisting she marry him so he could date her. But after a while, I sent Liz a text, knowing I needed to see her before we went back to work on Monday or I’d be a wreck and not get anything done.
She responded instantly, saying she was glad to hear from me and she’d love to get together. She had plans with her family tomorrow, which genuinely made me happy even if it sent a sliver of dread through me that I’d have another whole day before I got to see her again and could feel out how she was feeling. We agreed to meet at Diner before work on Monday morning, and I promised myself I’d be ready.
Whatever that meant.