6
I waited on the same bench next to the main doors as I had yesterday morning.
Only this time I wasn't staring down at my feet.
I was looking around, wringing my hands together anxiously as I waited for Knox.
My entire mind so consumed with looking for him, I paid no attention to the many people, many boys, passing me with curious looks.
The palms of my hands felt clammy from nervous sweat. My foot couldn't stop shaking beneath me. And my eyes darted all around me, probably closely resembling some kind of tweaker.
By the time I saw him finally strolling up the steps, eyes set on me, the bell signaling first period rang through the air. Leaving me with no time to thank him yet.
I couldn't help the disappointment that was already filling my veins.
I had been anxiously awaiting this moment since last night.
I had barely been able to sleep because of how much I couldn't stop thinking about it, desperate to know whether or not Knox would like what I made him.
I probably should feel naive and stupid for how much I wanted his approval on this gift to the point of total consumption.
Knox approached me and wordlessly held out his hand for me which I unconsciously took hold of. I hadn't even realized what I had done until he was already tugging me along with him through the hall.
His hand was rough with callouses and slightly sweaty, or maybe that was my hand, and it completely engulfed my own.
My heart was beating so fast, I was afraid he would either hear it or it would burst out of me and land before us on the shiny hall tiles.
I waited for the panic to set in, waited for the tight feeling in my throat and chest.
It only squeezed for a second before releasing.
We walked into first period seconds before the late bell rung.
This was not like how we had walked into art.
Looking at the walls, I guessed English, before Knox all but dragged me to two seats in the back again.
All around the room, I felt curious eyes roaming over me.
Even the teacher still sitting at his desk gave Knox and I a scathing look.
My guess about English was correct.
Our teacher started talking the second Knox and I sat down and didn't stop talking the entire period.
It became excruciatingly hard to focus. My mind reeling with thoughts of giving Knox my 'thank you' present, my skin burning with the knowledge that I'd held his hand, and the sideways looks the people in the surrounding seats kept giving me.
My mind felt foggy, clouded with my self-consciousness. I yet again found myself unable to sit still. I felt itchy from the feeling of everyone's stare touching me. I scratched my knee, then shoulder, then neck, tucked my hair behind my ear, untucked it, itched my elbow, repeat.
I wanted to scratch everybody's eyes out and watch them bleed for the consequences of their judgement upon me. I needed to get out of this stuffy room before I actually imploded. Maybe then Wendy would see that this was too soon, that I hadn't been ready for this challenge after all.
I had only jotted down all of two bullet points about anything my teacher said before the bell rang and everyone started filing out.
Knox yet again held my hand the entire walk to art which only managed to make my mind spiral faster. My face was flushed and my entire body felt weak. The bemused look Knox shot my way only told me that I must have looked a panicked mess by the time we took our seats.
"Okay, everyone. Take out your drawings from last class. Remember that it doesn't have to be perfect, as long as you drew something and it's clear you tried, I will be happy." Our teacher spoke.
My head snapped to look at Knox stifling a grin. 'As long you draw something.' My breathing shallowed. Time seemed to slow down as I absorbed her words. He tricked me. He tricked me into drawing him because he knew I wasn't paying attention - he knew I would do it.
Heat flooded my face, if I was flushed before it was nothing compared to now. My hands shook unsteadily as I pulled out my paper, my attempted rendering of the boy inches away from me.
I had barely set it down when his hand snatched it, pulling it in front of him, eyes darting all over the page - taking it all in. I wanted to protest, wanted to snatch it back, but I was already too embarrassed and it was a fight I didn't think I would win - a fight I didn't have the energy for.
The smile that he held was very different from the one moments before, this was one was far less mischievous - far more easy and real. He slid the paper back in front of me, eyes filled with an emotion I couldn't place.
I looked down at my drawing. It wasn't my best work.
I wasn't nearly as good with a pen or pencil as I was with a paint brush, but I would say that I tried a lot harder with this than I did with anything I had ever painted before.
I still didn't think I got it perfect, but clearly my model was happy enough so I was grateful not to have insulted him.
An hour and another class later, the bell signaled lunch.
I was grateful that it was Friday, all of our Friday's were half days.
It made it feel like I was making a lot more progress getting through the day than I had been able to previously and in a way, I was making a lot more progress.
I had already made it to lunch time - something I hadn't been able to do before now.
That didn't make the idea any less daunting.
I was holding onto the seam of Knox's shirt yet again.
I don't know if I would have been able to stomach the cafeteria while holding his hand, my body would be too wired.
I was also already significantly warn out from the rollercoaster of emotions I had been feeling since the moment I stepped foot on campus.
We stood in line, Knox holding the tray and loading it up for us the whole way through.
I just stood silently, still holding on next to him.
I had my back to the countless tables that filled the room.
I knew if I so much as glanced at them, I would be panicking far more than just looking at the food Knox put on the tray.
I didn't release a breath until we were out the doors of the cafeteria, heading towards the grassy fields behind the school.
Knox led us to a picnic table shaded under a lone tree near the football field. A few people sat sprawled in the lawn, even more people speckled around the bleachers. There were a few more tables in the sun a few yards away that had some stray students studying or working on homework.
I was surprised this table wasn't taken but was grateful nonetheless.
Setting down the tray, Knox sat down across from me.
He slid me a slice of pizza before digging into his own.
We ate in silence as I looked out at all the people around us.
It was nice to be out in the fresh air. After spending all morning inside stuffy, suffocating classrooms, unable to focus, it was relieving to sit here without so much worry.
To sit somewhere I felt like I could breath deeply again.
I could feel Knox looking at me. Yet, for some reason, it wasn't bothering me. It made me a bit nervous, of course, but I didn't feel anxious in the way I felt with other people's stares.
I guess, in a way, I was grateful it was Knox looking at me rather than anyone else. At least I couldn't feel any judgement radiating off of him - no feelings of malintent.
I forced down my last bite, dusting my hands off before I was able to meet his eyes. I had become so caught up in the confusion of the morning that I had completely forgot what I had gone into this day planning to do.
I dug around in my backpack for a second before my fingers clasped onto the tupperware container that had been bulking up my bag all day. I slid the container of chocolate chip cookies across the table, biting my cheek in fear he wouldn't like them.
"What's this?" Knox asked, his mouth half full of pizza.
"Cookies." I replied, licking my perpetually dry lips.
He nearly rolled his eyes, "Yeah, but why?"
I cleared my throat, "I made them for you - to say thank you."
Knox stared at me blankly, swallowing the bite he had taken from his pizza.
"I don't need you to thank me." He said.
"I -" I paused, frowning. I knew he had said this before but couldn't he understand what he was doing for me - what he had already done for me. The change he was making in my life was something I absolutely needed to thank, something I couldn't find the words to express.
Silence filled the air between us as he watched me struggling to search for the words to express my gratitude.
Finally sparing me, he pulled off the lid and reached for a cookie.
I waited breathless for a reaction once he bit into it.
I wasn't the best baker but I had baked these cookies from scratch, completely from the heart.
He finished the cookie before reaching for another one. I let out my breath, I suppose that one action would have to be enough of a reaction for me as he still spoke no words.
By the time lunch was over, most of the cookies were gone and before Knox led me to our next class, he leaned down and whispered a gruff 'thank you' in my ear.