14
(there will be mentions of assault in this chapter so please be weary if that may trigger you)
Serena was exceptionally worried when she got home and saw me sleeping. The dark eye bags and red-rimmed eyes didn't help my case either.
As soon as I woke up, she went on a long monologue about how maybe she was putting too much pressure on me all at once. I didn't bother to correct her - didn't bother to explain why I had actually been so worn out in the first place. It would take too much explaining that I couldn't stomach yet.
I felt bad about not filling her in but not bad enough to actually do it. I would tell her eventually, just not when it was still so fresh.
I still felt extremely guilty for how everything went down with Knox. The fact that I invited him into the house and then freaked out on him was humiliating. He deserves an explanation and I was aching to give it to him.
But for now I'd just have to wait with the promise that I'd see him tomorrow.
That night Serena made me my favorite spaghetti dinner and we stayed up well into the evening watching our favorite trashy reality tv shows.
If anything, I was immensely grateful for the way that Serena knew how to get my mind off of things.
Even when she didn't fully know what was going on, she always knew how to fix it and leave a smile on my face.
The next morning was a difficult one. I had slept well only in the sense that I had been so emotionally exhausted, I passed out immediately. As for everything else, nightmares plagued me the whole night to point where I felt almost more tired when I woke up than when I had first gone to sleep.
Serena started to invite me to run errands with her, but upon seeing my state suggested I take the morning to relax after all.
So, I did just that.
I took a long bubble bath, lit a candle, and played soft music as I tried to take my mind off the impending conversation with Knox. It had worked to an extent. My body felt thoroughly relaxed and there was thankfully no trace of paint from the day before.
My mind, however, could not shake the trickles of anxiety that seeped their way in.
I was standing outside on the curb a couple hours later, waiting for Knox to pick me up like he had texted earlier.
I fiddled with the sleeve of my cream sweater before brushing down the skirt of my white dress for the millionth time since I put it on.
I straightened my necklace and pushed back my hair, shifting my weight as I spotted his car approaching.
As he pulled up the curb in front of me, I took a steadying deep breath before opening the car door. The air from his a/c hit my warm cheeks, already beginning to cool me down.
I felt bad when I avoided Knox's eye but I couldn't bare looking at his quite yet.
Instead I zeroed in on my usually empty seat.
My mouth parted slightly and my head tilted to the side in confusion.
I glanced between the seat and Knox a couple times, trying and failing to process what this was about.
I noticed Knox suppressing a smile as he reached across the center console and picked up the bouquet of flowers so that I could sit down.
Swallowing thickly, I tried not to think about who they were for as I buckled myself in. Knox handed them back to me once I was situated - obviously not able to hold them and drive simultaneously. I bit my lip as I stared at the arrangement full of soft pink and white flowers.
An overwhelming sense of bitterness filled my body the longer I admired them.
"Whoever these are for must be lucky." The words left my mouth before I could stop them. I cringed internally as my voice sounded bitter even to my own ears.
To my absolute horror, Knox burst out laughing. His whole face contorted in amusement. The sight was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen - it almost successful distracted me from my jealousy. Almost but not quite.
"Annie, baby, I got them for you." He laughed softly, shaking his head as if he could believe I would have thought otherwise.
"Oh," I said dumbly, furrowing my brows in confusion and embarrassment. I looked down at the flowers again and what was once bitterness now blossomed into warmth that spread throughout my entire body.
"Oh." I said again, now understanding why he had placed them on the seat for me. "Thank you." I whispered, mortification seeping into my veins.
Knox smiled but didn't take his eyes off the road. He cleared his throat, his tone growing more serious, "I'm sorry about yesterday. I shouldn't have been so rough and crossed so many boundaries. It was wrong of me."
I blinked as I stared at the side of his face. I failed to come up with a response as I took in his apology. No boy I had ever met had ever apologized for something like that - never would any of them have even dreamed to do that.
My bottom lip wobbled at the realization, his words still echoing in my mind.
Knox pulled into the same park we had gone to the week before and parked in the same spot. He turned to look at me before gently wiping away a stray tear from my face with his thumb.
"I was assaulted a few months ago." I whispered. My voice came out wobbly and shook with the pain I still continued to feel from it, but I wanted him to understand now. I wanted him to know that his apology meant more to me than he could have ever known it would.
His body stilled at my admission, his hand leaving my face as he waited for me to continue.
"I still don't even really know what happened - my mind blocked out most of the details.
I remember enough, though." I gulped, trying to fight the strain that threatened my voice.
"He was like a brother to me, we were so close.
I trusted him with every ounce of my being and he - he betrayed that trust."
"I'm sorry." Knox whispered as my eyes filled with tears again.
"I-I'm still scared all the time. People - boys - scare me.
I don't like being touched. I don't like when people get too close to me.
I feel on edge constantly. I-it's something I'm working on and maybe I won't be like this forever but it's still so hard.
" I continued, my voice now coming out more strained as I tried to fight off the sobs that threatened to take over.
"But I don't feel so bad when I'm with you..." I chanced a glance at Knox before looking down at my hands again, "You don't scare me so bad. I feel warm - safe - when I'm with you."
My confession hung in the air as I wiped away the tears that slid down my face. I felt pathetic for how often I cried in front of Knox, but I would be forever grateful that he didn't make me feel bad for it.
"If I ever make you uncomfortable, just say the word and I will stop whatever I'm doing no questions asked. And if there's someone else that's treating you any type of way that makes you scared, just say my name and I'll be there." Knox said, his tone firm and unyielding.
I nodded, letting out a small breath of relief.
"And if you can't speak, you hit that fucker as hard as you can - even me. Slap me in the face and I'll know why - I won't ever get mad." He promised.
I forced another nod before setting the flowers on the dash and crawling across the console. My eyes were completely blurred with tears so my actions were sloppy as I moved to sit in his lap. Now with me straddling him, Knox wrapped his arms around me and tucked my head against his chest.
I tried choking down my sobs but failed miserably. Knox rubbed my back and whispered soothing words as he held me nonetheless.
Maybe it was just my heightened emotions or my need to express gratitude or maybe I just wasn't thinking at all, but next thing I knew, I had pulled away from his chest and kissed his cheek.
Knox loosed a breath, eyes glinting as he took hold of my jaw and started littering kisses all over my face. He kissed all my remaining tears away before kissing my temple, my nose, and the corner of my mouth.
I squeaked, staring at him with wide-eyes at the final kiss.
He pulled away, eyes roaming my face as his thumb tugged at my bottom lip. I nearly whimpered before he leaned down and covered my lips with his own.
It wasn't my first kiss but I certainly had never had one like this before. It held so much passion and longing, I easily found myself getting lost in it.
And if this is what being lost is like, I never want to be found.