13
Every few seconds, I found myself glancing at Knox nervously as I sat down on my carpeted floor. Pulling out the paint, brushes, and canvases I have stored under my bed, I laid them out in front of me.
"You don't have anything to put down to protect the carpet?" Knox asked as he sat down across from me.
I eyed the arms length of distance between us, my heart still beating furiously. I passed him a canvas and small paint pallet before placing my set of brushes between us to share.
"It's okay if it gets messy." I shrugged, missing the way Knox's eyebrows shot up in mild surprise.
Carefully, I unboxed my paints and mindfully started selecting my palate.
I started to get so absorbed in the ideas floating around my head, I almost completely forgot that Knox was even there. With a pencil in hand, I drew out a sketch of a vase of my favorite flowers, Lilies. It's not something I would usually paint but I found comfort in the simplicity of the idea.
I was just about to grab a brush when Knox's voice startled me as it reached my ears. "How often do you paint?" He asked.
I spared him a glance, he was seemingly just as equally invested in his canvas. He had already adorned his pallet with paints and he didn't so much as look up as he asked the question.
"Not as much as I used to but sometimes." I said, trying and failing to peak at what he had started to paint on his canvas. He had it angled just enough away from me so I couldn't see what it was.
I refocused my attention on my lilies. I took my time, letting myself get lost in each stoke.
I wasn't particularly skilled at painting but I did find solace in creating something that didn't always have to be perfect.
This was a different kind of therapy for me - one that didn't make me feel quite so broken inside.
Soon enough I found my heart rate evening out and my nerves settling - almost comfortable.
It didn't last long, however, as I flicked my brush just a bit too hard and some of the paint flew threw the air and splattered on Knox's arm. I gasped, my eyes growing wide.
Knox looked down at the giant green blob on his otherwise clean arm before meeting my horrified gaze. I opened my mouth to apologize but before I could, he flicked his own brush in my direction. A giant glob of yellow paint hurled at me.
I jerked back in shock, gaping between Knox and the paint that now sat on my leg. Any form of apology I was planning to say abruptly died on my tongue.
"Knox!" I gasped, "Mine was an accident!" I looked down at the mess, gaping like a fish - unsure what exactly to do.
"Mine was too. Just like this one." Knox mocked.
I looked up just in time to watch him flick more paint at me, splattering all down my arm.
I sputtered in astonishment. Gritting my teeth at his audacity, I scooped up a giant bit of paint and lunged at his face. He raised his hands, clearly taken by surprise, but I successfully landed a thick line down his cheek.
Knox bit his tongue, a new fire dancing in his eyes as he dipped his fingers into his pallet. Having completely abandoned his brush, he smeared paint all down both my arms with his bare hands.
My breath hitched as the coldness of the paint coated me. Knox barking out a laugh after he pulled away.
It became a completely frenzy after that. Each of us took handfuls of paint and smeared them on whatever part of each other we could reach. From his arms, to my cheek, to his neck, it continued to go back and forth until we were almost completely covered.
I made one last move to rub my paint-covered hands through his hair before I attempted to get up and make a run for it. I hadn't even stood up yet before Knox was on me with his own paint-covered hands pulling me into him.
I felt a familiar panic tingle through my body as I frantically tried to escape his grasp. Gasping for breath, I feebly pushed at his chest. Knox didn't notice, though. His laughter still filled the room as he pulled me into his lap, holding me around the waist and the back of my neck.
My eyes stung with tears that had already begun trailing down my cheeks. The laughter stopped abruptly as we finally came face-to-face.
My hands fisted his shirt as my breathing shallowed - each breath requiring more effort than the last. Ringing filled my ears and my brain turned fuzzy. I could feel tears grow heavier as they trailed down my face, taking some of the paint with them.
"Annie?" Knox's worried voice sounded muffled and barely audible compared to the incessant ringing. His hands moved to hold my face, concern overtaking his features. Sobs wracked my body as he held me, rocking slightly.
My knuckles turned white from gripping his shirt so tightly.
My eyes were completely blurry and my body burned as he held me.
I knew something like this was possible to happen from the moment we stepped into the house but I had so much hope it wouldn't. I thought with Knox it might turn out differently and even now I felt confused - my body felt confused.
For as much as I was panicking because of Knox, he also was the only thing calming me down.
We stayed there sitting on the floor, rocking together, until my tears started to slow and my breathing eventually evened out into sporadic, breathy hiccups.
Everything now felt numb and heavy as he held me. My body buzzed like tv static while my mind lulled blankly. He stroked my hair gently, cooing in my ear until I felt almost relaxed.
Eventually, he stood up. Still holding me, he walked into my bathroom and set me on the counter.
I didn't dare a glance in the mirror - so sure that I looked hysterical.
Neither of us said anything as Knox grabbed a washcloth and wet it under the sink before beginning to work at getting the paint off my skin.
I almost couldn't bare looking him in the eyes but once I did, the emotions they held startled me.
I expected him to be feeling a lot of different ways after what just happened but the last thing I expected was him to be so full of guilt.
His brows were drawn tensely as he washed the paint off me which only amplified the sadness that rimmed his irises.
"I'm sorry." I whispered hoarsely. My voice sounding strained after all my crying.
The guilt of him being witness to my breakdown was only growing. I thought I could have a boy, at least Knox, in my house without having a whole panic attack - thought I had moved pasted this at least a little bit.
Knox didn't say anything, his frown only deepening.
He didn't look at me again as he now started cleaning himself, mainly focusing on the larger chucks. Setting the cloth aside a few minutes later, some smaller bits still clung to his skin.
He sighed as he stepped between my legs, hands going on either side of me as if he was now afraid to touch me. I looked at him through my still-wet lashes, biting my lip as I waited for him to say something - anything.
"C'mon, Annie. You should sleep." He said softly, barely glancing up at me for a second before looking away again.
I opened my mouth, wanting nothing more than to argue - to have him stay here and talk through this with me so I could explain everything. I wanted to make him know that it wasn't his fault. I wanted to say anything that would take away the guilt that lingered in his eyes.
But he didn't give me the chance as he stepped away from me, holding out a hand to help me off of the counter. My legs wobbled as I stood. My blood rushed to my head, the makings of a headache now pounding against my skull.
Maybe now really wasn't the time to talk yet.
Knox helped me into my bed, making sure I was tucked in. I knew it wouldn't be right of me to ask him to stay - not after what just happened - but I almost couldn't help myself.
I barely started to open my mouth but he was quick to cut me off before I could get a word out.
"I'll pick you up tomorrow afternoon, okay?" He said, brushing his knuckles against my cheek.
I nodded my head, biting my tongue. Tomorrow is fine. Talking tomorrow was infinitely better than never talking again. I could deal with tomorrow.
Knox send me the smallest, sweetest smile that melted me just enough to have me snuggle further into my bed and drift right off to sleep.