“Get the fuck away from him.” #4
I walk back slowly because the aches and pains from last night are back.
The adrenaline and desire to see Dean had kept them at bay, but not anymore.
Now, I feel like I’ve been beaten all over again.
The bus seems to be taking me away from more than just the city.
It’s taking me away from my life. I don’t pay attention to the time or where I am.
All I know is it will get me back to the house.
They’ll all know I did a runner; I doubt they expect to see me again.
When I finally get back and realise in despair that I’m going to have to knock on the door to be let back in.
Only more proof that I’m a kid that can’t make it by himself.
The door opens, and it’s a kid standing there. “Hey,” he says and opens it wider. “Robin,” he calls out, and soon, the man is coming down the hallway. A kind smile on his happy face.
“Good to see you, Knox. Are you hungry?”
Neither Kip nor Robin ask me where I’ve been.
Instead, they smile and say breakfast is just about ready.
I know I probably look a mess. I’m sure it’s obvious to them that I’ve been crying.
Once I’m inside my room and the door is locked, I pull off my filthy clothes, leaving them in a pile.
I’ll throw them away when no one is around.
In the bathroom, I look in the mirror over the sink.
Fuck Dean. He can do what he wants. I don’t give a shit about him anymore.
Everything that happens to me now is because I want it to.
So, I stare at my reflection. I’m not looking at the me I am now.
I search for what and who I could become.
Can I look past the too long brown hair, the sunken brown eyes, and the skinny—so skinny—body and find a me that no longer has to beg for food or be abused by men who should know better?
As I continue to look into my eyes, I lift my chin and square my shoulders.
I can see a new me. A stronger, braver me. I need to keep remembering this.
I put on the clothes I had on last night, then go back downstairs.
Kip is waiting at the bottom of the stairs.
“Come here, Knox.” He opens his arms wide, and I step into them.
His hug is firm and warm, something I’ve only had from Dean in the last few years.
I don’t know why I trust him. I’m not comfortable with hugs or even praise, but his feel good.
He walks with me into the kitchen, his hand on my shoulder.
I think for support. Robin smiles at me while standing at the cooker, just the way he was last night.
“Knox, come in, come in.” He gestures with his hand, waving me forward.
Then he turns towards the table. “Drake,” he says to the teenager.
“This is Knox; he’s going to be staying with us. ” Drake’s around my age.
“You’re gonna love it here.” The small kid smiles and looks at Robin. “There’s always food. Robin is an awesome cook.”
As he says that, Robin puts down a plate full of fried bacon and another with scrambled eggs.
My stomach growls loudly, and my face burns with embarrassment as my blush spreads over my cheeks.
There’s a plate of toast, too, the same bread I stole this morning. My shame grows the longer I look at it.
“There’s always plenty of food, Knox. If you’re hungry, come and get some. You don’t have to ask for a snack,” Kip says and encourages me to take a seat. Drake is in the one I had last night, and I don’t want to sit next to him, so I sit at the end.
Even though I want to dive onto the plates and fill my own, I wait. I don’t want to look greedy, plus I’ve spent so many years of being told I had to wait for the other kids, the real children of the family to take theirs.
Robin notices me and smiles, pushing the plate of toast towards me. “These two will eat the lot if you’re not quick enough.”
I notice both Kip and Drake blush and stop scooping up food.
Conversation starts again, and Drake is talking about school.
I think how long it’s been since I went to one.
Am I going to be made to go to one? I’ll be so far behind; I don’t think I can do it.
It’s been too long. There’s no way I could catch up.
I don’t feel like a kid, not after all that has happened.
“I haven’t been to school for ages,” I blurt out. “I don’t think I can go back now.”
Robin and Kip share a glance—one I’m not sure I like. “How long has it been, Knox?” Kip asks kindly.
I drop my fork and keep my eyes on my plate full of food that I don’t want to eat because I want to get out of this room.
“Um, dunno. About two years, I suppose. Can’t remember.
The last home I was in didn’t give a shit, probably because I usually had a few bruises they couldn’t explain away.
Being little made it easy for the family’s own kids to get a few punches in. ”
I don’t know why this is all coming out now, but suddenly, at this table, I feel all the pain and anger of my life come bubbling up to boiling point.
“No one ever gave a shit. The people I was sent to live with cared fuck all about the child they were supposed to care for. Some of them never even remembered my name. The mums knew what went on when the dads came home pissed or angry. I think they were just happy it wasn’t being taken out on them or their kids.
Who the fuck lets a man go into a kid’s room and do the things they did to me?
If it wasn’t for Dean, I don’t know what would’ve happened to me.
Social workers don’t give a fucking shit about kids.
I was safer on the streets than I was in that last house.
” I push my chair back and run out of the room to the front door.
I know I won’t be staying here any longer.
Robin will be like all the others and be quick to get rid of the difficult kids—kids like me.
I stand at the bottom of the drive. One step to my left could take me back to town.
But Dean isn’t there for me anymore. I’m holding back the scream that’s strangled in my throat, not even able to pull in a breath.
Footsteps fall behind me. I didn’t even bother to shut the door; I could be seen from the entrance.
“Knox.” It’s not one of the adults. I turn around to see who it is. Drake.
“What? Come to tell me to keep running.” I hate that I can hear the fear in my voice. I don’t want to leave here. I like them, but I don’t trust them.
“No, to come back in. Those two men are nothing like the ones you’ve been forced on.
Kip and Robin saved me from that same possible horror.
My mum and I lived in a squat. One day, I came home, and it was empty.
No note, no clue, they all just left without me.
I had to put my safety in Robin’s hands, and he has never let me down.
Kip too. I promise you that you are safe here. ”
He walks away, back up the drive and inside.
He doesn’t shut the door. It’s open, letting me make the decision.
I want to, but not yet. Instead, I sit on the drive, my feet just shy of the road, and think.
Could Robin do something about the places I’ve been sent to?
If he’s that important, he should’ve known about it, about what went on.
Confusion runs through me at my every thought, because I like this place and so far, the people in it have been nothing but kind and forgiving.
I have no idea how long I’ve been sitting here, and I’m not even sure when it started to drizzle.
Living on the street toughens you up when it comes to the weather.
A little rain never hurt me. I hunch my legs up, wrapping my arms around them as I rest my head on my knees.
The rain isn’t getting any worse, so I stay here.
I’m back to thinking about Dean and all we’ve been through together.
The first night we ran and how worried we were about being caught and taken back.
How we’d dodged out of the way of any police cars, then after a couple of days, we realised that no one gave a shit. No one was looking for us.
Another piece of me died when I knew I had nowhere to go and no one to care for me.
I was thirteen and had nothing and no way of getting anything.
Dean did what he could to keep me safe, but he had to look after himself too.
I know looking after me was stopping him from moving on.
Last night was the worst. I’m not sure when the wetness on my face stopped being from the rain and became tears.
I don’t want to be that kid anymore. Invisible to everyone because it’s easier not to look than feel guilty for walking on. Another piece of me died then too.
Can this place be as real and honest as they promise?
There’s only one way to find out. I stand up, push my hair back from my face, and go back inside. Robin smiles warmly as I step back into the kitchen. It is empty except for him. Have they left because of me?
“Where are the others?” I ask. My fear ratcheting up a few levels.
Is this when he tells me it’s all a mistake, and he’s going to make me leave?
Is that why it’s empty in here. “I get it. It’s okay; you don’t have to say anything.
Would it be okay if I kept these clothes?
Mine are nothing but stinky rags. I can’t give you any money for them.
But I could come back when I’ve made some.
” My voice cracks at the end. It’s a plea for help, for him to let me stay.
“Knox, we want you here. Drake is going to the gym with Kip. You can go, too, but I think you should have something to eat first. You’re allowed to be frightened of us; so many people have let you down, and I promise they will be looked into.
I won’t let this go away. You are welcome here for as long as you want. ”
“O…Okay. Thank you.”
Robin wraps one arm around my shoulders and gives me a hug. “What do you want to eat?”