Chapter 22
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
LUNA
“That insufferable, pigheaded dickhead!” I exclaim after rereading our texts. “He’s acting like we’re in an actual relationship or something.”
Demi pokes her head up from the instructions she’s been reading and says, “Well, ya kind of are since he’s your baby daddy, Luna.”
“Quit calling him that!”
Right now, every little thing is irritating me, including my best friend. She decided that now was as good a time as any to convert my chaotic office into a well-organized area. But, every time I approach what happened with her and Xavier? She shuts up. Clams up tighter than a damn oyster creating a fucking pearl. However, she’s sure sticking her two cents into what’s going on with me and Marcum and it’s driving me fucking crazy.
“Well, he is, bestie,” she sing songs. “Hey, do you think we can move your desk over there?” she asks, pointing to the opposite wall. “This side here will allow me to have all the bookshelves together. Then, I’ll see what I can use for the closet to organize the swag. We’ll probably need different containers though.”
She taps her chin with her index finger as she stares at me. “Yeah, we can move it. I think having more natural light will help me anyhow.”
“True. Plus, I’m going to get two more bookshelves to put on either side of the window for your author pretties you get at signings. Oh! And I found this really neat thing when I was scrolling on the book of faces that we can hang your lanyards on!”
“I only have a few of them, Demi,” I remind her. It’s not like I’ve signed at more than a handful of events. I didn’t start attending them until I had five books published.
“You’ll have more,” she blithely replies. “I’m going to write the dates on the back of them so you can see how your career progresses! And what do you think about me printing off your signing pictures and making collages of them? I’ve got my Cricut and can do some fancy shit.”
“Whatever you think would look good is fine with me. Now, I’m gonna dive back into this manuscript. Unless the house is burning down around our heads, I have to focus, okay?”
“Last thing, then I’ll shut up, I promise. You need to display at least one copy of each of your books on the pretties bookshelf, Luna. I want you to be able to see what you’ve already accomplished on those days when it’s hard, you know?”
“I like that idea, Demi, thanks for thinking of doing that,” I reply. “Thankfully, I haven’t really had any days where writer’s block tries to pull me down, but I’ve heard it eventually happens to everyone. Having something to look at like that, plus the displayed lanyards, will help a lot, I know it will.”
I’m actually ahead of the game right now. I have several preorders up and the books have already been uploaded, which is allowing me the freedom to keep moving forward without the added stress of deadlines. Several author friends suggested doing it like that so I wasn’t always feeling under the gun and I have to admit, it’s helped me to start having a better work-life balance. That’s something I need to keep in mind as my pregnancy progresses, because I know once the baby arrives, my time will be even further constrained.
Sighing, I open up the document to check out my upcoming events. I only have one that’s a bit iffy because it’s close to what I’ve projected as my due date according to the wheel I found online and did the math with, but until I have confirmation from the doctor, I won’t reach out to the organizer. Hopefully, if I have to pull, I can do it soon enough so another author can purchase my table so I don’t lose the fee I paid. Well, except for the nominal deposit, that is, because those are non-refundable.
“Your appointment is tomorrow, how are you feeling about seeing Marcum?” Demi casually asks, keeping her eye on her task. I know I asked for her to give me some quiet time to dig into my work, but this is a topic I’ve been ruminating over and could use her as an outlet to get my feelings out there so I’m not upset she broke her word when she said earlier that it’d be the last thing she said.
“Nervous. Excited. Ready to rearrange his face,” I honestly answer.
“All of the above, huh?” She snickers. “I can still come with you, Luna. I know you want to do this yourself, but you don’t have to. I’m there for you.”
“I know, Demi. But I have a feeling that Marcum and I are going to come to blows and I don’t think it’s fair to back him into a corner. I can do this.” I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince her of that or myself. I don’t honestly think he’d ever hit me, or any woman for that matter. He may be a biker, but he doesn’t strike me as one who lays hands on anyone who is truly physically weaker than he is. Now, verbally? He slayed me and I expect he’ll do it again as this pregnancy progresses. It’s not something I look forward to whatsoever.
“Have you thought about what you want to say to him?” she probes, she’s been worried about me and I get it. I’ve been moping around the house, more withdrawn than what’s typical for me. But I’ve had a lot on my mind that I needed to sort through.
“Not exactly. I mean, I’m still upset about what he said, of course, but then seeing those women splayed across him like they were keeps popping into my mind as well.”
“While I wasn’t outside then, based on the fact both were on their asses on the ground? I don’t think their attention was asked for at all,” she says.
“Only one was on the ground,” I giggle, recalling the shocked look on the female’s face as her ass hit the dirt. “And if it wasn’t such an emotional confrontation, and I wasn’t wrecked by what I witnessed, I’d have probably laughed in her face.”
“What was up with their display, anyway? Do you think they saw you lurking in the shadows and decided to give you a show? Remind you that they’re always around when you aren’t?” Demi questions.
“It’s something to ponder, I suppose, but the fact still remains that he let that bitch plop onto his lap and let both of them put their tongues on him. There’s no excuse on the planet he can come up with that’d excuse that behavior.”
“There is one,” she softly says. “Luna, you’ve said as much to me, but the two of you aren’t really an actual couple. Sure, you fucked, and you text back and forth all the time, but for all intents and purposes, you’re both still single as the day is long.”
“Whose side are you on anyway,” I huff out. “Stop being logical because even though your words have merit, it still hurts.” I rub my chest over the place my heart rests, trying to ease the ache. “We may not have verbally committed to one another, but my heart didn’t get the memo that he wasn’t technically mine.”
I mean, she’s not wrong, but in my heart of hearts, I had hoped that we would eventually become a couple. I know he’s leery because of his lifestyle and how different it is from my own, but I’ve always been of the belief that if a couple is together, they can overcome any obstacle. Only now, I’m not sure if I want to given how he was on Saturday. Damn, if this wishy washy brain is any indication of how my pregnancy is going to go, I can see I’m going to be checking myself into the nuthouse before I deliver because I’m driving myself batshit crazy.
“When you see him tomorrow, keep in mind that he’s probably just as confused as you are about where you stand. The way he looked at you says to me that he already considered you his and you gave him puppy dog looks as well. If y’all can get past this, and talk it out, you still may have a chance at that future you’ve always wanted for yourself, Luna.”
“I’m not so sure about that, Demi. I don’t know if I can handle those women pawing at him. And the fact that they live on the property doesn’t make it any easier to get past. They’re always going to be there. A temptation.”
“Listen. I know you’ve been cheated on and the fact that those women will be there isn’t going to be something you can easily overcome, but you can’t build a life with him if you don’t find a way around that and learn to trust him. He’s not the men from your past, Luna. He strikes me as the type of man that once he’s in, he’s in for life. Temptation doesn’t mean he’s going to let them drop to their knees and swallow him down their throats. From what I saw, he’s in control of his dick, not the other way around.”
“What if I can’t get past it, Demi? What if my insecurities always rule my life?”
“Do you want an honest answer here, Luna, or do you want me to placate you?”
“I want honesty from you, Demi. Always.”
She’s definitely not Willy Wonka and won’t sugarcoat shit, not even for me. It might hurt hearing what she has to say, but it’s far better to hurt in advance than be blindsided, as far as I’m concerned.
“If you can’t let it go, then you’re always going to be alone. Because Marcum isn’t the only man out there that has women willing to drop their drawers and spread their legs. Any man you get into a relationship with can be put in that situation. It’s up to them to decline the offer.”
“And it’s up to me to decide if I’m going to trust them if they’re put there or not,” I whisper beneath my breath. “Shit, Demi. I’m a mess.”
Despite all my hesitation, I know Marcum is an honorable man. I can’t see him cheating on the woman he’s involved with, but old hurts are hard to overcome.
“But you’re a beautiful disaster, Luna. Remember that because any man that catches your eye is the luckiest bastard alive.”
The next morning I’m a ball of nerves. My hands shake as I pull my hair up into a high ponytail. I don’t attempt to put on any makeup outside of mascara and lipgloss. The last time Marcum and I were together, turned out to be a disaster.
Maybe we were meant to find each other so that our little peanut would exist and we weren’t destined for anything else—relationship wise.
Shaking off those dreary thoughts, I nod at my reflection in the mirror, grab my purse, keys, and phone and head out. Demi had a few errands to run today so she got an early start so I don’t have anyone here to give me any pep talks.
“You can do this, Luna. As long as he wants to be in y’all’s kid’s life, that’s the only thing that matters.”