Chapter 23—Kooper
Amnesia? Fuck. That’s the last thing anyone ever thought. Death would have been kinder to her than this. I saw it the moment she shattered. The moment her bubble popped and pain ate at her heart.
I follow her home. I can’t trust my equipment. I need to see with my own eyes that she makes it back okay.
And when I see her leave almost every door open as she goes into her place, I know I need to do more. Not just to keep her safe, but to let her know she isn’t alone. I lock her car and shut the door, then go upstairs and do the same with her apartment.
I make a note that her place is empty and get to her room. I don’t know if she hears me or not. I see her shaking, trembling, and then I hear it. Her cries. The pain of losing her dad all over again.
I shut her bedroom door, kick off my shoes, hang up my vest on the back of her desk chair, and curl myself around her.
She doesn’t even flinch as I hold her. And that scares me. She’s so lost in her grief that she’s left herself unprotected. But that’s what I’m here for—to protect her when she can’t protect herself.
“Shh, Peaches, shh.”
My words have her crying more, and then she turns and buries herself in my chest. I try not to find joy in this. Try not to see it as anything but her seeking out human touch in her time of need.
But I fail. Because while I try to be a good guy, I’m not. I’m a selfish prick. And having Ruby in my arms brings a soft sigh from my lips.
I hold her for hours, well into the night.
She falls asleep at some point. I should wake her, knowing she’ll want to check back in on her dad, but I don’t.
She hasn’t slept well in months, just short naps and less than five hours a night.
She’s running on fumes, if that. She needs time to rest. To fully rest.
I have no idea what the weeks ahead hold for her, but I know she’ll need her strength, both mentally and physically.
Her class load is lighter this semester, as she wanted to get more time with her dad at the hospital.
But now that he’s back, I’ve got a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that she’s going to push herself harder.
If she can’t put all her energy into helping her dad, she’ll do it in whatever is next on her list. And that’s school.
The girl goes hard when she needs to focus on something.
But she also crashes harder. I’ve known her to take a weekend off here and there, to veg in front of her gaming system for hours on end and then rest longer than usual.
But this? Cuddling up to me? Sleeping on my chest and allowing me to be in her space?
This isn’t like her. And that’s what worries me.
I didn’t think anything could break her, and I’ve seen her go through a lot. She cracked but never broke. I wonder if this has finally tipped her over.
And if it has, I’m still not sure if I should be thankful for it or not. This closeness? Her allowing this? It could change the second she wakes up. I’ve been mentally preparing for the sparring. For her to push me away.
Something I don’t want her to do but know will be the right move. And for her? I’d do anything. Even if it kills me.
I slowly move my head and tilt it down to look at her.
I learned quickly since being here that she frowns when I move too much, as if I’ve disturbed her slumber in some way.
And her frowning is something I don’t like causing.
Not anymore. I used to find joy in bringing it to her face.
But like everything else, that’s changed.
Her face is inches from mine as it rests on my shoulder, her hand on my chest and one of her legs bent over mine. I have my arm wrapped around her. It’s completely numb from the position, but a lost limb is a small price to pay.
I move my free hand and brush the small hairs off her face.
I’m gentle. Soft. Barely touching her. But I can’t let go.
Now that I’ve touched her, it seems impossible to stop.
I lower my hand and tentatively touch the tips of her braids, playing with the ends after the bindings.
It’s coarser at the tips, but I like the feeling of it stabbing my hand softly.
“Any news on my dad?”
I don’t jump or stop what I’m doing. I don’t even look at her. Her breathing changed the second I pushed her hair off her face. I should have known she would wake soon after. I was just hoping I had more time. Still, it doesn’t deter me in the slightest.
“General texted a while back. They have him resting.”
“Any memory change?” The small bit of hope that I’m sure she’s trying hard to hide from me snuck through in those three words. Enough that I stop touching her hair and look her in the eyes when I shake my head.
She breaks first and looks away. But she doesn’t move. Not off me, anyway. Just her hand, and she plays with the fabric of my gray T-shirt. I swallow and will my body not to react. Not to think what it would feel like if my shirt was gone and her hand was on my bare chest.
Her stomach grumbling has me reacting more than anything.
“You need food.”
“I need a lot of things,” she mumbles, but doesn’t move off me.
I slowly move my arm, the one she slept on, and let my hand glide over her locks. I don’t run my hands through it like I want. She’s not ready for this. But a soft glide she allows.
When her stomach breaks the silence again, I smile. “Got any preferences?”
“Wings.” It’s instant, and my hand stills for a second. She tilts her head up and looks me in the eye, challenging me and yet daring me to call her out on it. But I don’t.
“I might know a place.”
A small smirk hits her lips for a second. “Of course you do.” It’s gone in the next breath, just like her, rolling off me and the bed. “Going to change.” She pulls some clothes from her drawers and keeps her back to me. “Check on Dad, will you?”
I nod, not that she can see. I roll off opposite her and grab my stuff as I head for the door. “Take your time.”
“Always do,” she mutters just before I close the door, and I breathe a sigh of relief. That one quip lets me know that while Ruby is broken, she’s not lost. Not completely.
I dial up General, but he doesn’t answer. Could be a million and one reasons why. That it’s close to the middle of the night and he’s sleeping is logical. But most likely, he’s in the middle of some doctor thing and can’t take the call.
I text Mad Max next. Law might be awake, but till he’s able to handle shit on his own, Mad Max will be there to protect him.
Anything new?
No.
I know he won’t elaborate. He’s a man of few words. However, when he has something to say, he does. That’s why I don’t push it. His answer is all I need to know. There’s nothing Ruby or I can do tonight to help if we go back there.
I put on my vest and finish lacing up my boots when she comes into the living room. Her usual getup is gone. No corset, nothing tight. Just baggy joggers and an oversized shirt that’s so faded I can’t tell what the name going down the side of it is.
“Ready?”
She nods, and I head for the door, but it opens before we get there. Natalie comes in with a pile of books in her arms.
She sets them on the counter with a huff of annoyance or maybe just exhaustion from carrying so much up two flights of stairs before she even notices us.
“Oh, hey. Sorry, didn’t know you’d still be up. I hope I didn’t wake you.”
When Ruby doesn’t say anything back, I look at her and see she’s not really here. She’s moving, but that’s about it.
“We were headed to get food. Want any?” I offer. Not that I want her to come. I’m not sure if having me for company is what Ruby wants, and she’s too stuck in her own head to tell me right now. But I’m saved from having to make small talk with the roommate as she shakes her head.
“No, but thanks. I’m just going to crash. Been up for what feels like days trying to get this research paper written. Next time, though.”
I give her a chin lift and open the door. Ruby walks out it without a look or a word to Natalie. She notices, based on the frown on her face, and I just shake my head.
“Bad day is all. Nothing against you.”
I know she and Ruby are close, but not close enough that she knows what’s going on.
They used to be closer, and I know they’re busy, but I can tell there’s a strain in their relationship that wasn’t there at the beginning.
Not sure if it’s because Ruby’s holding back from telling an outsider club stuff or if she’s making sure Natalie doesn’t turn into another Abigail issue and cause problems.
Ruby might not like the club right now, but she seems to never lose her loyalty to it.
“Okay. Drive safe.” Her voice is small, like her smile.
I give her another chin lift and leave, shutting the door softly on the way.
When I get to the bottom of the stairs, I make sure not to trip over my feet when I see Ruby. She isn’t in her car like I expected but on the back of my bike. Waiting. For me.
Again, I just chalk it up to me knowing where we’re going, and she’s still too out of it to be driving. This is not her claiming me. This is not her saying that she wants to be on the back of my bike forevermore.
This is just a ride. One of convenience. That’s it.
And I keep telling myself that when I get on and start her up. Even before I back out of the parking spot, her arms are around me and her head’s pressed to my back. I should make her use a helmet, but I can’t find it in me to tell her to move. It feels too good.
Instead, I do something I rarely do: I drive the speed limit the entire way, even slowing down at yellow lights and not racing through them like usual.
When we arrive at the all-night diner on the opposite side of town from her place, she doesn’t bat an eye. It might not look like more than a run-down place with a handful of people and cheap plastic on the furniture, but it’s open.
She slides into the booth, knowing to take the one opposite the one with the clear line of sight. The waiter is quick to come over, asking us what we want.
I expected her to say something about needing more than the five seconds it took to get in here, but all she does is look at me.
“He’s ordering for both of us.”
My eyes widen a fraction at her words before I turn to the server and order. Her trusting me with making this decision? Just another thing I’ve wanted to do for months, maybe even years, yet never expected. Now I don’t hesitate to do it, and I cherish it as I do.
Ruby isn’t ready for everything I have planned. She might never be. But these small things? Letting me hold her? Having me drive? Knowing I’ll get something that not only she wants but needs? Well, shit, it brings a warm fuzzy feeling to my chest.
I like providing for her. Watching over her. Taking care of her. Anticipating her wants, her needs.
It’s empowering. I’ve never felt this way about a woman before. Never cared enough to learn about them like this. Even when the job was to watch and protect a female client in danger, it never went this deep. It was always just a job.
But now it’s more.
When the waiter puts down our food, she sneers at her plate.
“I wanted wings.”
“These are boneless.”
“But I wanted wings.”
“Trust me. This is what you want.”
She’s upset with the world still. And since I’m the only one near, she’s lashing out at me like a child. Something I don’t put up with. Usually. But instead of barking back, giving her the fight she somehow created in her mind that she needs right now, I shut it down and just tell her to eat.
I pick up a boneless wing with a fork and bite into it. She glares at me and then at her food before finally picking up her fork and using it to push things around her plate.
I swallow and take a sip of water. “It’s the sauce you like.
This one is even sweeter. And you don’t like wings, not the bone-in ones, because it gets your hands messy.
And while you can sit there all you like and say you don’t mind getting your hands dirty, the truth is, you don’t like it when it gets under your nails and you have to wait till you get home to scrub them completely. ”
Her eyebrows go up and then narrow as my words sink in. She knows I’m right, but she won’t say it, and I’m okay with that. I don’t need her to say it. Just need her to eat. She used a lot of energy today, and she needs to replenish at least some of it.
She pops a wing into her mouth and mumbles a “Whatever” around chewing it. I cover my mouth with my napkin to hide my smirk as I wipe my mouth clean.
Just like the last time we ate together, the conversation is nonexistent. Doesn’t bother me. Some can’t handle that, but I know that’s what she needs right now. To just sit and eat, knowing that nothing can touch her with me here and she can think in her own head without me asking or judging.
When the check comes, I pay it quickly, and we go back to her place. I follow her up the stairs and don’t even hide that I’m staying. Nat’s door is shut as we pass it, and I head to the bathroom while Ruby goes to her room.
Once I’m done, I check the house to make sure it’s secure, set my alarms on my phone for issues, and go to her room. Where the door was left cracked open.
I take off my vest and rehang it on her chair, then my shirt.
I put my wallet and phone on her desk, along with my keys.
Sitting on her bed, I unlace my boots. From the angle, it strains my hips a bit, and I hear a crack but ignore it.
Nothing I haven’t heard before. Just like the one I heard in my shoulder when I took off my shirt.
“You need physical therapy.”
I look back at her and see she’s on her side, under the covers, looking at me.
I shake my head. “Fuck off.” There’s no heat to it at all as I stand and turn toward the bed to raise the covers.
She scoots back a bit. “Seriously. It could be getting worse.”
I settle into her bed and lie on my side, looking at her.
I don’t reach for her; I’m already pushing my luck with being here.
“What can I say? My doc dropped me as a client.” I smile at her, knowing she can still see me with the illumination from the twinkle stars she has set on a timer. They should go off soon.
She looks at me. I see her eyes roam my face, and then she turns over and faces the other way. I close my eyes and let myself get comfortable. I hear the click of the stars turning off from the timer.
“I could help.”
My eyes spring open at her words. It could have been a trick. Something my mind played on me in a cruel joke. I could have misheard or misunderstood.
But as her breathing evens out and she falls into slumber land, all I can do is wish. And hope.
And dream.