41. Chapter 41
Chapter 41
James
I was sitting on my back patio in the late afternoon sun, sipping a cold beer, when I heard the sound of tires crunching on gravel—followed by the doorbell a minute later.
After bringing GiGi back home and getting her settled with her friend Marta, I’d gone straight home to take a shower and a much-needed nap. With two nights of shitty sleep under my belt, GiGi had kindly suggested that I was starting to resemble a character out of The Walking Dead . Which, considering how sleep-deprived I was, I didn’t find nearly as funny as she did—especially when a glance in the mirror confirmed she wasn’t wrong.
Both had done me good, though—at least now I felt somewhat human again. And now that my brain seemed to be functioning better, I was starting to form a game plan for not only finding Lizzie, but also telling her how I felt. About everything, but mostly… her.
Though in the meantime, I probably wasn’t just hearing things with that doorbell. Taking my beer with me, I walked back inside, setting the bottle down on the table just before opening the front door.
That’s when I really began to question if I was, in fact, dreaming. Because it was the only thing that seemed to make sense, seeing her standing out there on my front stoop—hair wild and wavy, her eyes shining, like she’d been crying—-and looking exactly like everything I’d prayed for.
But then Lizzie stepped forward, closing the distance between us to bury her face against my chest, arms wrapping around me so tightly I could feel her warmth, and I couldn’t deny, this had to be real.
She was here. She came back.
“Red…”
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for you, James. And GiGi. I read your text, and I… I couldn’t get here fast enough...” Her voice cracked a bit as she trailed off, the words muffled against my shirt.
Breathing in the scent of her— God, how did she always smell so good? —I held her tight, still quietly disbelieving. “You… came back.”
“I shouldn’t have left in the first place. I’m so sorry.”
“You have nothing to feel sorry for… How could you have known?”
“But maybe if I’d been here… if I hadn’t fallen apart the way I did…”
“It wouldn’t have changed anything that happened with GiGi.” I pulled back slightly, still holding on, but needing to see her face. “It’s my fault you left. I… I pushed you away.”
She shook her head, tears leaving a trail down her face. “No, it wasn’t. I mean, yes… I was upset that night. About everything and about what you said. But… we both had a bomb dropped on us. That secret hurt you, too. And instead of dealing with it, I ran.”
“It’s ok, Lizzie…”
“No, please listen. I need you to hear this. I wasn’t running away from you . It was all the rest of it. And I needed space to work out the mess inside of me.” I could hear the breath hitch in her throat as she leaned back into me. “Sometimes, my anxiety takes over, and all I can do is hide away from everything until I can breathe again. But this time, all I could think about was coming back home, to you.”
I said nothing, just continuing to hold her. I wanted to tell her that I understood all of it. But I waited, knowing she had more to say.
Her voice was breaking apart now, piece by piece. “I can’t promise we’ll never argue again, or that I won’t need to retreat from the world to sort things out, to recharge. I need that sometimes, and I think you do, too.” She paused. “But I’m here for you, and I won't ever leave you. Because…”
I was afraid to hope for what was coming next, to believe it might be true for her, too. But before I could even think about what I was doing, I shook my head, and her words trailed off. Because right then, I realized—I couldn’t wait anymore. I needed her to hear it first.
Or maybe it was more that for the first time in my life, I needed to be the one to say it out loud, without fear.
“I know.” Moving my hand up to her face, I cupped my palm against her cheek, her own words seeming to fizzle out before they could reach her lips as we stood there, staring at each other. “I know you . At least all the things that matter. I’m so tired of being afraid, of feeling like something is broken in me. So here goes, me being brave… with you. Truth is, I love you, Red. I love you. And I’m pretty sure I have from the moment you smacked some sense into me with that door.” I took a breath, but the words continued to tumble out, like they’d been waiting to for so long. “I’ve wasted so much of my life on the wrong things, but I’ve never been so sure of anything than I am about this. You’re the one for me. The only one I want, ever. Even though you’re so much more than I deserve, I won’t stop working towards being worthy of you.” As I looked at her, her eyes filled with tears, her body stiffening against mine. “I don’t even care that it’s only been a few months, or that it may not make sense to anyone else. Because you and I, we fit together. We make sense. And somehow, you’ve actually made me believe again, in everything. Even myself. If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.”
For a moment, there was only silence. Tipping her head downwards, I could feel her body begin to relax against mine as, slowly, she exhaled, her breath unfurling like a submission against my chest. Then I heard her whisper, “I… I love you, too. So much.”
And there it was.
I could feel the cracks spreading as the force of her words coursed through me, the final walls crumbling down into dust. My protection was gone, every part of me exposed and raw and vulnerable. But as the tears came, I realized—the only thing I felt now was a deep sense of relief.
I was finally free.
And now, after spending a lifetime locking my heart away, afraid of trusting, afraid of losing—I wanted all of it. The love, the fights, the good and the bad, the passion and the pain. I wanted to feel all of it, knowing I’d not only survive but come out stronger.
But more than all that, I knew—I was worthy of it. Of being proud of what I was doing with my life, of being someone’s priority—and the reason for them to want to stay. And even though I was far from perfect, Lizzie could see that in me. It was she who finally made me believe it. To see it.
And now, I had to make sure she believed it of herself, too. All I wanted to do was wrap myself around her, protecting and loving this woman in all the ways she deserved. To make up for everything we’d both lost along the way.
I would never allow myself to fuck it all up and lose something so precious ever again.
Lizzie tilted her face back up to look at mine, and I could see she was crying, too. But it was her smile that I noticed first—and the emotion that radiated from it was palpable. It was the last thing I saw before I brought my lips down to hers. Because I knew, finally, there was nothing holding me back now there, either.
I’d said the words, but now she deserved to feel them.