42. Chapter 42
Chapter 42
Lizzie
I s this what it felt like to be loved?
I no longer had any frame of reference, I realized, beyond fiction. Because everyone and everything that came before James, before this moment, fell so far short that a fair comparison couldn’t even be drawn.
It should hurt a bit—or maybe even feel embarrassing—to realize that I’d never been truly loved by a man before the age of thirty. But those feelings had no place in me anymore, or in this room.
The only thing I cared about now was how James was looking at me, with vulnerability and truth in his eyes as he said the words I’d waited my whole life to hear. How it felt as his mouth explored mine, deliberately, lovingly. Like we had all the time in the world, and yet, there would never be enough.
It was different, somehow, from the countless other kisses we’d shared before. Not exactly like the tenderness of our first kiss, or our make-out sessions, both teasing and passionate, or the long, lingering kisses that were clearly hungry for more, but afraid of what more might mean.
But this time, our kisses felt like a vow. A promise I could trust, knowing we were both invested in ways that had nothing to do with families or inheritances or circumstances.
Because the question I’d asked myself had been merely rhetorical. I finally knew the answer.
This was what it felt like to be in love.
How could it not, as I followed him into his bedroom, with the way his hands now roamed along my body, touching me as though it were the first time, knowing it could never be anyone but him? The way we slowly, deliberately undressed one another, pulling away only to slip the fabric over and away from our bodies. The way we gazed at one another with complete trust and joy, hunger and love.
We hadn’t waited all these weeks because neither of us wanted this, or because something was wrong with me. In one way or another, we’d both been stuck, needing time for our heads to catch up to our hearts. To pull at the threads holding together our resistance and finally get out of our own way.
But there was nothing standing in our way now.
James lowered me onto his bed, his body leaning over mine as the slowly setting sun cast a glow across his pale green comforter and all over me. For a brief moment, I brought my hands to my chest, self-conscious, as though I were under a spotlight. But he gave a small shake of his head, smiling as he shifted my arms away. “Don’t hide away, Red… you’re beautiful. And I’ve waited so long to look at you.”
And then he lowered his head to my breast, the scruff of his whiskers tormenting my already sensitive skin. I felt his tongue explore as my breath hitched, teasing my nipple while his hand gently cupped the other. Unable to stop myself, I threaded my fingers through his hair, the light in the room making it appear more golden than brown. Then my hands traveled down to his shoulders, his back, over the muscles that tensed and strained beneath his skin—wanting only to feel him, explore him, too.
Tipping his gaze up towards mine again, he gave me the sexiest grin I’d seen in my entire life as he began traveling downward, trailing teasing kisses along every inch of my chest, my stomach, my hips, and then…
“Ahh!”
I could hear his deep chuckle at my gasp as he kissed and explored the most intimate parts of me—nibbling, licking, then slowly sucking as I wriggled around, losing my mind. Feeling his breath against my thighs as he pulled back slightly, his fingers moved to gently part my lips before slipping inside. I arched my back, sucking in air as he slowly slid them out, then in again—teasing me with the rhythm, then pressing against my most sensitive spot as I felt myself quickly unravel, a low moan sounding in the back of my throat.
I had never had a man do this before, to pleasure me before taking his own. Not ever. I’d always been the giver.
But not with James.
Catching my breath as he pulled back, I watched as he slowly sucked the taste of me from his fingers. “God, I could taste you forever…” I felt the blush spread across my cheeks as his eyes met mine, the desire clear as the color deepened within them.
Reaching for him, he lowered himself until he hovered slightly above me, my hand tracing along his thigh down towards the hardness pressing against my leg, our breathing continuing to grow heavier. The need to feel him in me was almost uncontrollable now. I glanced back at his face with a slight smile and, as if on cue, he slowly slid inside of me, inch by excruciating inch, as we joined completely.
Hearing his moan, I wrapped my legs around him, already feeling on the verge of coming completely undone as we moved together in unison towards the edge, our eyes only on each other. And when we reached it together, the sounds and breaths and shuddering in that room confessed more than words ever could.
Afterwards, we held each other for a long time, our limbs intertwined, feeling like we could never be close enough. I lay with my head against his chest, listening to the beating of his heart as he stroked my hair. I never wanted to leave this place, this moment, where everything felt perfect, and made sense.
This was where I was meant to be, forever. With him, I could both lose myself and find myself again.
If this wasn’t love, what was?
And now that I’d found it, I never wanted to run from it again.