Chapter 20
HARLOW
Glancing to my side, I’m well aware that Stone is in a good mood, and to be honest, so am I. We walk side by side down Main Street after grabbing a coffee to-go for him and an iced tea for me. Our shoulders occasionally touch as a natural current flows between us.
Last night felt as though I were in a dream. Everything I would never expect yet apparently exactly what I wanted. I don’t think either of us can stop smiling. I’m surprised the muscles in my cheeks haven’t strained from the constant stretch of elation on my mouth.
But then I feel guilty, very guilty. I truly wanted to be there for Stone last night for his brother’s wedding.
However, I think I had an underlying motive.
I need to observe Lake Spark once more. When Stone and I last saw one another, it was blatantly clear that our future would hang on a choice.
He’s staying firm on his decision, which means that I’m the one making the leap.
“It’s great weather today. Want to go to Catch 22 and grab a table by the water?”
I grab his arm to loop through mine. “I am slightly famished, although I enjoy taking in my surroundings too. I haven’t checked out the sale at the lingerie boutique or glanced at the schedule at the dance studio, maybe they have my Zumba lessons.”
Stone gives me a peculiar look. “Those are must-dos. But let’s take a seat over there by the gazebo and I can finish my coffee.”
“Sounds good.”
I’m surprised that the park isn’t busier. There are only a few picnics between families or friends happening and a father and son kicking a soccer ball between them.
“It’s calm here,” I reflect.
Stone rests his arm on the back of the bench. “It’s Sunday. Most people are at this tiny stretch of beach on the other side of the lake or out on a boat or SUP board or something. A lot of hikers in the forest too.”
“Those are all good activities, especially since feeding ducks bread is off the list.” I point my nose at a sign that forbids giving snacks to the birds.
Stone chuckles. “You love it all.” I shrug but say nothing, instead sitting back and breathing in the light breeze, yet I still feel Stone’s eyes fixed on me. “Harlow, as much as I’m loving every second of this weekend, I sense that something is on your mind.”
I press my lips together. “We probably shouldn’t have this conversation here in public with the knitting club president walking by. Isla warned me that she spreads gossip like wildfire.”
My quip only makes Stone more uneasy, and I can sense he is about to boil. “She can say what she wants. I only care what you’re about to say.”
I stand up to pace in front of him, unsure where to begin, as I’m nervous and recognize the necessity of this all the same. “The thing is, Stone… you’ve asked me to make a big jump.”
There it is.
He’s fuming.
Stone stands to stay level with me, but he keeps a few feet of distance. “Holy shit. Did you seriously come here this weekend and tell me that you love me, only to end things?”
My hands fly up to stop him. “No, not to end things. I’m just not sure that…” It hurts to say it. I wish I didn’t have to, especially when I see how steamed he is. “I can’t make a decision about moving.”
The back of his finger sweeps across his upper lip, and I can tell his mind and body are going into overdrive. “What the hell is keeping you back? I know it’s a spring off a cliff, but is it something else that you don’t want to admit?”
I attempt to connect our hands, but he only rebuffs me. “Don’t you think we are moving a little fast? I mean, we already talked about wanting a baby one day, yet I don’t even know which shirts of yours go to the dry cleaner.”
Stone looks at me blankly. “Does any couple actually know that?” His voice cracks.
“Okay, what about Thanksgiving? I have no clue if you like cranberry sauce or not.”
He only gets more aggravated. “Who the hell doesn’t, Harlow? It’s a necessity for turkey and stuffing.” He is dead serious, but his voice still squeaks.
This is so ridiculous, all of these little things, but aren’t people in love aware of the tiniest details?
“My point is that moving across the country is… how do we know we’re compatible to live together? What if it doesn’t work and then my life is uprooted.”
His eyes grow into saucers. “Harlow, it doesn’t matter if I lived a fucking mile from you. Not knowing if we are compatible, living with one another, would be exactly the same.”
A valid point, ugh.
Stone rubs his forehead while I stand in my spot with the world’s biggest frown, and my heart racing in panic. I’m making up excuses when reality is that a future with him could be amazing, and that terrifies me. What if I fail him or become unworthy?
“I’m trying to be honest.”
Pain shades his face. “Did you come to Lake Spark to investigate or to really be with me this weekend?”
I attempt to tug his arm to me, but he makes no effort to move, however he doesn’t shake my hand away.
“A tiny part, yes, I wanted to experience again what it feels like here. Because I am seriously considering the move. But mostly, I wanted to be with you because I’m miserable without you, and I’m happy that those three little words slipped out of my mouth. We can’t hide our secrets forever.”
Stone’s eyes lighten slightly. “Why would you want it to be a secret?”
My head bows. “I wasn’t lying last time I saw you. I’m scared that we could be everything but I’ll just screw it up somehow. All it takes is one second.”
His body squares off, and he straightens his shoulders to focus on me. “Except now you discovered you are a firefly.”
For the first time in minutes of our somber faces, I have a hint of a weak attempt to smile. “Right, the bravery-in-night thing.”
I take one step forward and I feel the warmth of his body. His fingertips trail up my arms. “I believe the future between us is what we’ve been waiting for. I just need you next to me to make that happen.”
He always says the right thing. His words are comforting and wrap around my body and soul.
As confident as this man is, his eyes mist with the start of tears. “I’m going crazy, Harlow. I feel like a yo-yo. We take one step forward and one step back. I freaking love you, but I might break if we can’t stop taking steps back.”
My breath stops short. “I understand, and I agree. I’m just not… I guess I’m confused. I’m trying to push fear away to let us in.”
Stone’s lips slide side to side right before he kisses me hard on the mouth without warning. It’s his way to shut me up and prove a point. I press against his lips because I’m hoping this kiss is the glue to ensure I can’t run away.
But it’s only a quiet confirmation that he wants me to think.
“Come on, we’ll head back to my place since you have a flight tonight.”
“Sure.”
A flight sounds like the worst thing on the planet right now.
We were quiet most of the afternoon, except for the occasional kisses.
Stone and I were both considering the ups and downs of this weekend.
My theory of ruining something good between us already seems to be proven as fact.
Today, we should have been basking in the glow of last night and enjoying a day with a new horizon.
Instead, I opened my mouth and let out my thoughts that swing from all directions.
The regional airport means Stone can wait on the tarmac with me as it’s such a small plane and only two commercial flights take off each day. Stone drops my carry-on next to my feet. “Well… I guess this is the end of our weekend.”
“Yeah.” I assume this is what heartache feels like. “Stone, I do love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Give me a little more time. I promise, I’m considering and want to ensure my answer is honest.”
He glances away, only to draw a line right back to me, his eyes conflicted yet cold.
“That’s fair.” We both look down when he slides his fingers between mine and brings them up between us with our fingertips in the air.
He looks down at our connection and studies it with affection.
“But, Harlow…” He swallows and seems to be hesitating.
“I can’t take the back-and-forth or I might as well throw my heart onto the ice until it melts.
It’s miserable when you don’t have clarity, not when you want to give so much. ”
“What are you saying?” An ache builds in my throat.
“Next time I see you, it’s either to embark on our future or to say goodbye.”
A tear drops from the corner of my eye.
I feared he would say that.