Chapter 21
HARLOW
Ihaven’t taken one sip. The green juice in front of me, my favorite that even has kiwi in it, isn’t even appetizing today. Nor has it been for the last two weeks while Stone and I have taken some space—all my doing, by the way.
Flo’s on the other side of the table as we sit outside in the late morning sun. She’s been patiently waiting for me to say something, but I come up blank on how to filter all of my emotions and thoughts.
Her nails tap in a steady beat on the glass before she takes a purposely long sip of her red smoothie, ensuring she slurps with extra emphasis to ensure that I begin to spill the tea.
I sigh in aggravation. “What the fuck have I done?”
“Ooh, that’s a start. I was worried that you’d taken a vow of silence.”
“Stone thought that I went to Lake Spark to spend a night with him as a goodbye.” It hurts that the thought even entered his mind, however looking from afar, I understand how it may have seemed.
“Harlow, at some point, not deciding is saying goodbye. The guy has every right to set his limits. He’s smart, and it’s a classic move to be the one to lead when you feel as though doom might be on the horizon.”
Panic spreads across my face. “It’s not doom… it’s just…”
“It’s just you’re scared, and your inability to make jumps is understandably warranted, but Stone is literally standing before you telling you being scared isn’t a problem. Jump, he’ll be there to catch you.”
Finally, I give in and take a drink of my juice to hydrate as my thoughts are creating a workout in my head. “The crazy thing is that I think I’ve laid out all my fears and concerns, it’s not that I’m hiding anything from him.”
I notice Flo looking over my shoulder and getting distracted. I do a 180 and grumble as there is a guy working out over on the beach. “Can you stop checking out guys right now and focus?”
Her eyes circle back to me, and she gives me a contrite smile.
“I don’t need to focus. It’s obvious what you want, but you’re waiting for a push.
One that can only come from yourself, actually, since you need to be walking into his arms, ready to pick out new towels and writing grocery lists, completely sure of your decision. ”
Blowing out a breath, I become agitated again. “It’s just, moving, and here and—”
“There is nothing here for you. As much as our cherished smoothie sessions and Zumba classes should be a national treasure, it’s not a reason to keep you back.
I’ll visit and hope Lake Spark has a police officer that I accidentally run into, and he spills my coffee and promises to buy me a new one, with his cute little dimples.
” I flash her appreciation for trying to make me smile.
“Look, your parents no longer live here, you can write anywhere, and I’m still not entirely sure why you want to be here, considering… ” Compassion crosses her face.
I hate sympathy.
“Don’t say it,” I urge.
Flo gives me a pained look. “I’m going to.
Do you ever think that… well, this is crazy and maybe I’m coming from left field here, but…
you found your feet again here alone, as proof that someone didn’t kill your soul, and despite having had an uncontrollable fear, you’re still here, and it’s a point that makes you proud.
But now… you have to face a new fear which isn’t even for something horrible, it’s amazing.
A guy who wants to be there for you. You’re no longer doing anything alone. ”
Doing my best, I tightly hold in the tremble of my lips that wants to erupt and keep the sting behind my eyes in check.
“I’m not used to it, you know? It feels like forever since I could breathe and laugh and have something spectacular without a care in the world.
” I jam the straw in my juice a few times to let out frustration.
“I would be devastated if that just vanished. I don’t think I have it in me to rebuild yet again. ”
Flo gently reaches to pause my destruction of the straw. “That’s an if. And you’re forgetting the not-so-tiny factor that you’re the one preventing what could very possibly be a spectacular future that lasts forever.”
“I know.” I have to smile softly to myself. “I love him.”
She nods slowly. “It’s obvious. You’re just overthinking it, when all you need to do is check in with what you’re feeling.”
My face screws. “Since when have you become a romantic guru?”
Flo chortles. “I’ve read almost all your books. How the hell does this all sound surprising to you? You literally write this stuff on a daily basis.”
“It’s make believe,” I protest.
“Yeah, all the more reason to hold on and never let go, since it isn’t a fantasy.”
I claw my hair and groan. “I am aware of that. Even if I run right into his arms, I still feel guilty for making him wait, probably in agony too.”
She laughs and it’s vibrant. “Isn’t this where your grand gesture comes in?”
I snicker at her thought. “If I decide to move, then yes. Whatever my decision, I’ll see him. He’ll always be the man who changed my life.”
“Then run. Straight to him.”
And yet again, I’m preoccupied with my thoughts.
Sitting in my living room, giving up completely on any work tasks that I planned on doing, I decide to turn my phone back over. Swiping my screen, I pull up photos.
My lips twist when I see the pictures of Stone and me in my gallery folder that seems to have grown as the months together progressed.
Content is the first word that comes to mind.
That and the love in our eyes when we look at one another with no effort.
A natural filter that is fixed to every one of our pictures.
Opening my laptop, I pull up his name to write.
Stone,
I promise I’m thinking. I guess it’s not about the brain, though. Probably more to do with the heart.
Needless to say, I’ve been in a “lying on the bed and staring at the ceiling” kind of mood. My current music playlist is kind of melancholy.
Whatever happens, happens. I’ll come to see you one last time or for the start of forever.
Have you put me in a power play, where the game is down to one player and one team has an advantage to win? The answer to that is very clear.
I love you.
Harlow
P.S. Letters are our thing. Okay, emails. Damn, I wish for the times when you would write by candlelight with a feathered quill that you need to keep dipping in ink. The good ole' days. I’m sure a modern couple would actually use text with weird eggplant emojis. That’s not us.
Harlow,
Well, eggplant emojis are reserved for couples who remind one another to pick up toothpaste at the grocery store on their way home and not to be late because they have plans tonight.
Anyhow, that still doesn’t sound like a decision.
I’m not sure goodbye is in my vocabulary. You would have to explain in great detail how that makes sense to either one of us.
You don’t want to see my music playlist right now. It’s taken a dark turn because I’m trying to distract myself from imagining how I would pin you against a wall right now and shake you until you let your heart lead.
And yeah… a power play, that’s what I’ve put you in. Taking the league cup then retiring into bliss could be all ours.
Love you too.
Stone
What the hell am I doing? I’m throwing us into a pit of turmoil, only leading us to more misery by prolonging the inevitable. That’s a dark thought but realistic.
My hands shake while hanging at my sides, and I pace my living room, gathering courage to do what I’m about to do.
I’m never going to be enough, and I’m only ever going to feel far luckier than I deserve. My only choice is to believe in Stone’s testament that I’m so damn wrong and he’ll still be right there. The other option is to walk away.
I jerk my body and nearly march straight to my laptop, not even bothering to sit down.
Stone,
No more waiting. We need to talk.
I’ll book a ticket as soon as I can.
-Harlow