Chapter 20
HADLEY
Numb.
That’s what I feel.
Not long ago, I woke up in a Vegas hotel room with no recollection of the events of the night before. This time, my body is in a similar state physically, but make no mistake, I remember every second from last night.
A ton a bricks didn’t hit me; they came crumbling down around me. It’s no wonder I struggle to gather energy to move from this bed. I attempt to stretch, but my hand pokes a firm body.
Connor.
I have two things to process; my dad who lied and my husband who lied. I’m not sure where to begin.
My eyes widen to take in the view of Connor perched on the edge of the bed with a mug in his hand. He must have been waiting for me to wake up, as he looks showered and dressed in a fresh t-shirt and jeans. His hair has this ruffled wave that screams he has an edgy side.
“Hi.” His greeting sounds so delicate.
I drag my body up to sitting and sigh. He offers me the mug of tea, but I indicate with my hand no. Instead, I opt to bring my knees to my chest to hold onto.
“Tell me it was a nightmare,” I whisper.
“I can’t say it didn’t happen, but I don’t believe it’s a nightmare.” He sets the mug on the bedside table and brings his hand to my knee, but I flinch. I’m uncertain what to feel, and he must pick up on the signs. “I’m so sorry.”
I glance away, choosing not to say anything, but I do listen, and I hear a man whose voice is filled with remorse.
He continues, “Hadley, you have to know that I did what I thought was right. Spencer loves you more than anyone, only ever puts you first, and it wasn’t my secret to share.”
I scoff as fresh tears pool in my eyes, and my stomach twists because his point may be valid. “I have so many reasons to be upset. My da—” Why can’t I say it? I move up the list. “You knew and pushed me away by making me feel like I was nothing.”
“It fucking hurt, trust me.”
“Oh, poor you,” I mock before sliding angrily off the bed, feeling wrath building inside of me, and it’s ready to bubble over. “You know, maybe we would have had something amazing if we didn’t lose those years when you decided the best policy was to treat me like the enemy.”
Connor stands, my words clearly hitting him hard. “I realize that. I can’t turn back the clock, and we will still have something amazing. I want to have something amazing with you.”
A sob escapes me because I’m so damn torn between the deceit and the emotion that I feel right now when he looks at me. He believes in his pleading words.
My fingers tangle into my hair as if I’m grasping at straws. It’s frustration. “Connor, I don’t have the strength to deal with you and also my da—” Another sob escapes me.
Connor is in front of me with his hands on my shoulders in no time.
“Your dad is still your dad. You know better than anyone that biology doesn’t mean a thing.
Look at April, she’s your mom, and you think nothing less.
Spencer is even more of a parent because he’s all you’ve ever known, and you are related in some way.
Your real dad wanted it like this because they all love you so much. ”
I sniffle. I understand his logic, as it floated into my head a few times when I woke during the night. “I just don’t know why he never told me or why he never planned to tell me if it hadn’t been for a stupid science project.”
The pad of Connor’s thumb swipes a tear off my cheek. “Because he only sees you as his daughter, and he didn’t want to lose that connection. He was scared.”
I snuggle my cheek into the palm of his hand. “I just need to process it all.”
He nods gently and guides me to muffle my snotty tears into his chest without a care in the world that I’m destroying his shirt in the process. “I’m not going anywhere. You can push me away, but I’ll only return,” he promises.
A new overwhelming flood hits me, with thoughts racing into my head from all directions. I step out of his hold and throw my arms up. “This is such a mess.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
I sneer at the humor in that. “Connor, it is. You and I are married because of a drunk night in Vegas. A night that I don’t even really remember. Do you know how messed up that is? I didn’t even have a wedding dress or a big cake or so many things—”
“But you had the groom who would do anything for you,” he cuts me off, and the glimmer in his eyes is there.
It’s more than caring, it’s… dare I say love?
I see it for the first time, a gleam of hope and insistence.
Maybe it’s always been there, but I only really see it now when I’m trying to cling to anything to keep me from falling.
The bedroom feels smaller as our eyes stay connected, and the thumping of my heart returns. A beacon that maybe one day everything will be okay surfaces purely because of his damn eyes.
It just won’t be okay today.
“How do I pick up the pieces?” I ask softly.
Connor takes one step before he drops to his knees and wraps his arms around my thighs, with his ear resting against my belly. “You let me do it.”
His selfless words strike me, and I run my fingers through his hair. I’m clearly affected but still unsure if what he did is noble or plain fucked up.
Lucky for him, right now, I won’t push him away. It doesn’t mean I’m fully committing either.
We stand there for a solid minute as I try to connect dots.
The truth was clearly always there. Little clues that now make sense.
It just wasn’t obvious at the time. The lack of baby photos, the photo of my uncle on the mantle, the timeline and story of when he passed away due to an accident, or when my parents had Ashton and it felt like pregnancy was something new for both of my parents. There were signs in retrospect.
The best thing I can do right now is take a hot shower alone. I begin to shuffle out of Connor’s hold. “I’m going to shower. Alone.”
He slowly stands, observing me and doing his best to assess me. Good luck with that, because I don’t even know what I’m feeling or thinking anymore.
It’s an hour later when I emerge from the bathroom in a towel and find that Connor is sitting on the bed with his arms resting over his knees and feet firmly planted on the floor.
“You don’t need to be waiting on me or watching my every move,” I comment.
The corner of his mouth tilts up. “Since when do I listen to you?”
A slither of amusement attempts to break through my darkness inside. “I thought you had a meeting for the summer camp for kids that you’re volunteering at?”
Connor leans back on his arms, his body now half splayed on the bed. “You’re trying to get rid of me, but that ain’t happening. I told them that I wouldn’t be in today, that something came up.”
“Oh.” I stand on my spot, now studying him.
This will be my life until I find some form of closure surrounding the men in my life. Connor won’t relent until I’m at peace, even if he’s part of the reason that I’m in this state.
But in my shower, it kept circling in my head what he has repeated several times. The truth wasn’t his secret to tell. I’ve attempted to imagine myself in his shoes, and to be honest, I’m not sure what I would’ve done.
So, I’ve decided for now that I’ll have a temporary truce in my head when it comes to Connor and focus on my dad. Doesn’t mean it’s back to roses and sunshine with Connor, but I’m not going to run away.
And right now, Connor is before me trying to help.
I need him too.
To hollow the numbness.
I take a few confident strides to him, stopping short of his knees. He brings his body up, as I have his full attention.
Dropping onto his lap, I swing my leg over to staddle him. I settle in his lap and feel his length twitch and grow hard against the apex of my thighs. Connor doesn’t move, including his eyes that are pinned to mine. He’s going to let me lead because he knows this is what I want.
Bringing my hands to cradle his face, I splay my fingers along his jaw and cheek while I press my body to his and take command. “I don’t want to think right now, just… feel alive,” I rasp in desperation.
“Then use me,” he whispers adamantly.
I bring my lips to his and kiss him with intention.
It’s warm and sensual, grounding me, and it stops the spinning in my world right now.
I press harder against his lips with a force that causes the towel around me to loosen and fall gently.
Ignoring it, I begin to ride on top of Connor, my hips moving in waves to feel friction against my pussy.
Connor gets his shirt off before our lips are glued to one another again, and his hands run down the sides of my body to find a home on my hips.
My arms rest on his strong shoulders, and our position only encourages him to lower his mouth to my breast. With the towel now fallen to my waist, he has prime access to my breasts, which is why he is eager to swirl his tongue around one nipple.
I moan, with my entire body feeling extra sensitive, except for the pounding ache of my clit and the dampness between my thighs.
I’m turning greedy too, and I guide his mouth to my other breast. I want his mouth and fingers everywhere; it won’t be enough.
When he’s done teasing my hard nipple that only intensifies my senses, he leaves a trail of hurried kisses up my neck to find my mouth again. I close my eyes and let myself get lost in this momentary ecstasy.
Keeping my legs wrapped around him, he rolls us until I’m underneath him, and the towel gets lost in the process, leaving me naked. He drags my arms over my head, pressed against the mattress as our lips skim one another and stay in a dance.
“I’ll do anything you want.” His voice is full of lust as he traps my bottom lip with a featherlike brush of his lips.
My hips tilt up to feel his hard shaft, and I can’t get a release fast enough.
“I just need you inside of me,” I whisper as we thrust our bodies together.
“Then I’ll take you.”