Chapter 17
She wasn’t sure when she decided she was going to consummate the marriage. Maybe she hadn’t decided but simply assumed. No, that wasn’t true. He gave her the option not to, even seemed reluctant initially, despite his obvious desire.
When she woke up to feed Junior in the middle of the night and felt his arousal still strong against her back, she knew she would give in. Somehow it was easier to contemplate in the middle of the night in the dark.
She didn’t bother to cover up as she breastfed Junior and wasn’t particularly surprised to catch Bill peeking.
He’d done so much for her, and it was his wedding night too.
He deserved better than stolen glances and a night of frustration.
After all, she was his wife, and he had every right to want more.
As she fed Junior, she had thought about whether she truly wanted to wait.
Would she ever feel ready? She couldn’t be sure.
And if she wouldn’t be any more ready in two months than at present, there was very little point in delay.
She couldn’t deny him, or herself, for long, and she needed a better reason than vague reluctance to deny him at all.
Besides, nervous as she was, she couldn’t help her attraction to him.
Maybe it was the ways he reminded her of Roger.
Maybe it was the inexplicable chemistry between them.
But she wanted him, even as her heart balked at the thought.
Even now, his presence beside her made heat blossom between her legs.
Her body was ready for more, despite her reluctant heart.
And her heart craved the comfort of affection and the oblivion of bliss.
It relieved the ache of grief, if only for a little while.
And it worked. At least until he said he loved her.
Hearing those words, her heart caught in her throat.
She knew Bill had feelings for her, but to say he loved her so soon?
It shook her. She supposed she should be happy he cared so much.
It boded well for their future together.
But what if she could never return that love the way he deserved?
What if her physical attraction and friendly feelings never turned into anything more? Would he be satisfied?
She curled against him, spooned with her back to his front, and he made a sleepy, contented noise as he wrapped an arm around her.
His masculine scent mixed with his aftershave, so unfamiliar but so enticing.
His body radiated warmth, and she snuggled closer, enjoying the contrast with the crisp autumn night air.
It was a guilty pleasure. After she lost Roger, she thought she’d never sleep like this again. How many nights had she imagined Roger holding her just so to fend off the loneliness and loss? But Bill wasn’t Roger, nor, in that moment, did she want him to be.
That was a surprise. She was enjoying the rush of newness after months of thinking she’d be on her own forever.
The giddiness of infatuation was a welcome respite, even though she knew it wouldn’t last. At some point, the novelty would wear off, and what would happen then?
Would her attraction deepen to something more lasting, or would she always keep him at arm’s length?
She wanted to move forward, but she wasn’t sure how.
Bill said he loved her, but did he mean it?
When Roger was courting her, it had taken almost a year for them to say those words to each other.
And now she had so much more reason to protect her heart.
She knew the heartbreak that love could bring.
While she’d made that impassioned speech about pilots when Hank was in the hospital, following her own advice was another matter.
Bill risked his life every time he took off, even if no one was shooting at him.
She’d worry for him every time he went to work.
Every single time, a small corner of her heart would brace for losing him.
And with her luck, something awful was bound to happen.
Look at how much loss she’d endured over the last year—her husband, her mother, her home.
The acrid scent of smoke nearly choked her as visions from the fire crowded out every other thought.
The stink was so strong that she opened her eyes and looked for flames, every muscle tensed.
But there was nothing but the dark of Bill’s apartment and the faint glow of the streetlamp through the red checkered curtains over the front windows.
Taking a deep breath in, there wasn’t even a whiff of what she smelled a moment ago.
“Are you all right?” Bill’s sleepy baritone made her jump.
Tears of relief prickled in her eyes and dripped down to her pillow. Her breath hitched. “No.”
Bill tightened his arm around her and kissed her shoulder. “What’s wrong?” There was an edge in his voice, as if he feared her answer. His body tensed against her.
“I thought I smelled smoke, but it was just my imagination.”
His body relaxed, and he hugged her close. “You’re safe. I’ll keep you safe.”
“I know you will.” And she did. Mostly. No good would come of voicing all the doomful thoughts circling like vultures in her mind. But you’re a pilot. Your plane could crash. I could lose everything. All I’ve done for the last year is lose and lose and lose. I can’t lose you too.
For a long moment, they were both silent, taking slow breaths in synchrony.
“I was worried for a moment that you regretted…” His lips brushed her neck as he spoke.
Oh. No wonder he tensed up when she said she wasn’t all right. The vulnerability in his voice made her heart ache. “No, Bill. I don’t regret that in the least.”
She’d chosen to be with him. And she certainly wasn’t going to voice all the complicated emotions she had around that choice. He’d been so good to her, so endlessly considerate and giving. And she wanted him. Lord, how she wanted him.
Even after earlier, she still wanted more.
When he was pleasuring her, when he was inside her, everything else had disappeared.
The weight of her worries lifted, and she was capable of a joy and bliss that had eluded her since the telegram about Roger.
She wanted it back. She wanted a moment of feeling like her old self, not the unrecognizable, careworn husk she’d become.
Bill made her feel fully alive, and she couldn’t help wanting more. In fact, she wanted it now.
Turning over, she kissed him, pulling her body flush against his and hooking her leg over his hip. His cock sprung to attention as she moved against him, craving friction, oblivion, release.
He responded with a hunger that ignited her own, as he rolled on top of her, settling between her legs and pressing his hardened length against her core. “God, I want you, but are you sure?”
He paused, and she squirmed against him.
She’d never been more certain of anything in her life. “Please. I need you, Bill.” Her voice was husky with unquenched desire.
His eyes widened and his cock twitched as she said his name. “Yes, Ann. Yes.”
Instead of pressing himself inside her, like she wanted, he started kissing his way down her front. Was he…? Yes, he was.
He hooked her knees over his shoulders and settled between her legs. His tongue swept over her bud, and her whole body convulsed. She and Roger had only tasted each other like this a few times. He didn’t seem to enjoy it, but Bill’s enthusiasm was undeniable.
“Oh God. I’ve dreamed of tasting you for months,” he murmured against her tender flesh, the vibration sending ripples of pleasure to the top of her head and the tips of her toes. “Mmm. You’re even better than strawberry cake.”
She would have laughed if she wasn’t incapacitated by what he was doing with his tongue. Lord have mercy! That was devastating. Her whole body writhed and trembled as her world was reduced to pure sensation. She was losing control. She was going to…
Fireworks went off behind her closed eyes, and everything exploded in white light. Yes! This was the bliss she needed to escape the weight of her own mind. Her worries turned to so much sparkling dust as heat and ecstasy blotted out everything else.
For a beautiful moment, everything was suspended. She floated in the glow, weightless, carefree, alive.
Movement brought her back to herself, and when she opened her eyes, Bill hovered above her, his cock nudging at her entrance. “May I?”
As if she would deny him now. “Yes.”
She wanted to feel him moving inside her. She wanted to watch him lose control. She wanted his pleasure as much as she wanted her own.
In one movement, he slid inside until he was fully seated, and a shockwave of sheer bliss made them both still.
He looked at her like the most precious person he’d ever seen, and she basked in it.
Something in her heart sparked beneath his gaze, something she wasn’t ready to name.
Maybe this wasn’t just an escape. Maybe she was moving toward something new.
The connection between them went deeper than she wanted to admit.
Holding her gaze, he slid out ever so slightly, and she arched to meet him as he thrust back in. He fit her so perfectly that she quivered with pleasure at each small movement. It was all too much, but her hunger only increased as they moved together.
She wanted to remember his face forever. The war of tenderness and desire in his expression imprinted on her memory with the silver gleam of a daguerreotype photograph.
He loved her. Anxious as those words made her, she didn’t doubt them. It was herself she doubted. But even that fell by the wayside when he was looking at her like that, when he was inside her, adoring her with body, heart, and soul.
Her heart strained toward him along with the rest of her.
She might not have had much to offer, but she could give him everything.
In fact, she already had, even if she hesitated to admit it to herself.
There was no point in pretending she wasn’t falling for him.
Or had already fallen. She was in too deep to delude herself any longer.
Looking into his eyes, she tried to convey what was in her heart. Words were impossible as they rocked in a gentle rhythm.
Slowly, almost imperceptibly, Bill picked up the pace, and his movements grew wilder and more unrestrained.
She wanted him to lose control, needed it.
The harder he took her, the deeper her surrender to the feelings she could no longer deny.
She wanted to be his. She wanted to be free. She wanted to fly.
And just like that, she flew. The cramped apartment disappeared, and she floated up amongst the stars, dazzled by their brightness. Sheer bliss crowded out every thought and emotion. She was pure light.
A burst of heat inside her only made her fly higher, extending the weightless oblivion and making her soar.
Bill stilled, stroking her hair and murmuring her name, gently coaxing her back to herself.
She tightened her arms around him as they rolled to their sides, his legs tangled with hers.
A pleasant, residual lightness and warmth suffused her as the last shudders of their coupling ebbed away.
“That was… I don’t…” Bill rest his forehead against hers. “I’m rarely at a loss for words, but the things you do to me…” He kissed her cheek, the crook of her neck, her shoulder.
She knew exactly what he meant. Whatever had just happened between them was extraordinary, and she didn’t dare put it into words. So she settled for a contented, “Mmm,” and snuggled as close as she could manage.
Her eyelids drooped, so heavy she could hardly keep them open.
“Sleep, love. You need it,” he murmured, as if she needed the encouragement.
She hadn’t had a good night’s sleep in months, and for the first time since Roger died, she felt like she could truly rest. Her last thought as she drifted off was, Forgive me, Roger. I think I might be falling in love with Bill.