Chapter 20
Ann didn’t love him. This was hardly surprising news to Bill.
She’d been quite clear before they married.
All things considered, she’d been incredibly giving for a woman still grieving for someone else.
But to have her question his love for her was more than he could take, especially after the sacrifices he’d made—not that he wasn’t glad to make them for her sake.
It just hurt to know that no matter what he did to try to prove his love, she wasn’t ready to accept it.
Since their argument, things had been awkward between them.
At dinner, they hardly spoke a word. At night, he slept with his back turned.
However much he craved her in the middle of the night, he held back, knowing her heart wasn’t in it.
In the morning at breakfast, he tried to crack some jokes to break the tension, but they fell flat.
She’d cooked him a feast of eggs, sausage, and fresh-baked muffins, watching him with sad, hopeful eyes as he ate.
“Bill, please forgive what I said,” she said at last. “I don’t want you to go away still angry at me.”
“I’m not angry. I’m disappointed that you don’t believe me. I know you don’t love me. Yet. I’ve accepted that. You made it painfully clear before we married. But how can you question my love for you?”
Taking his empty plate to the sink, she said, “I shouldn’t have spoken. I’ve regretted it from the moment the words were out of my mouth.”
“But it’s what you believe.”
“Not anymore.” She sat down across from him at the table. “I’ve thought it through, and I can’t come up with any other explanation for why you would be so kind and giving with me. It was just hard for me to believe, given what strangers we are to each other.”
If she’d sucker punched him in the gut, it couldn’t have hurt worse.
“Are we strangers? I’ve known you for several months now.
I was with you for what must have been one of the worst moments of your life.
We’ve shared a bed. I know your favorite dessert, your favorite song from the radio.
I know you are one of the most terrifyingly capable and independent women I’ve ever met.
You have a kind heart and fierce strength that has pulled you through some of the worst experiences a person can endure.
I know you love deeply because you grieve deeply.
Someday, I hope I can earn that love for myself, but I know it will take time.
It’s true I don’t know everything about you, but I think I know more than anyone alive. ”
He thumbed a tear that trickled down her cheek. Now he’d made her cry. Great job, Bill. You’re really acing this husband stuff.
“That’s true,” she said after a long moment. “With Roger and Mama gone, no one else knows me as well as you do, but I feel I barely know you. You’re all jokes and larks, and I feel like I hardly know the man underneath.” Her hand shook as she took a drink of her coffee.
“Am I so mysterious? I thought I was a rather simple fellow.”
She shook her head. “There are so many contradictions. I can’t make sense of them.”
“Like what?” He caught her hand and held it.
“Do you really love me, or am I just your latest conquest? Your closest friends teased you about your roving eye. That woman that slapped you obviously felt strongly about whatever passed between you. What am I to believe? And then there’s your impulsivity.
You married me on a whim. You wanted to buy the first house we saw even though it was a disaster.
You whisk me off for dessert at the oddest moments.
It’s had to reconcile that with the man that saved nine thousand dollars and holds down a dangerous and highly responsible job.
I don’t know what to make of you, Bill.”
Her words were like daggers, not least because there was truth in some of them.
He had to take a deep breath before answering.
“I’m not a perfect man. I can understand why you’re upset about my past with women.
The truth is I never once let it get beyond kissing and fixing leaky faucets with Edith.
Not that I was always a saint, but with her, I never let things go further.
What I deserve the most blame for is being dishonest with my friends afterwards, suggesting more happened than actually did.
They all think I’m quite the man about town, and I’ve encouraged them to think so.
But I swear I’m telling the truth right now.
If you don’t believe me, ask my sister. She knows everything. ”
Ann sat very still through this recital, her brow growing more and more furrowed. When she didn’t say anything, he decided to continue. Damn it all, he had a right to defend himself.
“As for being impulsive, I think you may have misunderstood my motivations. I didn’t marry you on a whim.
I had decided to court you long before the awful evening at your house.
When you lost everything, I came to the rescue because it was the right thing to do for both of us.
It was my mother’s suggestion that decided my course.
She knew it as the best solution to an awful situation, and I agreed. ”
Ann still didn’t speak, so he plodded ahead.
Whether he was getting through or digging the hole deeper for himself, he didn’t know.
But as usual, he just couldn’t shut his trap.
“As for the Millington house, I’ve had my eye on it for years, dreaming of living and raising a family there.
It’s sheer luck that it’s for sale at the moment I happen to be in the market.
I would dearly love to buy it and restore it to what it should be, but only if you agree. ”
She watched him with pursed lips, not saying a word, her spine straight as a ramrod. He’d give anything for a word—anything to break the devastating silence.
“And then there’s cake. I buy it because I love you, and I know you love cake. It’s a small expense and an easy whim to indulge. Anything that gives you joy is worth its weight in gold to me. Have I answered to your satisfaction?”
She took a deep breath and let it out. “I don’t like the flirting and lies about women,” she said quietly.
“And I plan to speak with Mary. Honesty is very important to me. It’s hard for me to trust you when you’ve admitted to lying like that.
I appreciate your being forthright with me, but I think you need to be forthright with your friends.
Who knows what damage could be done to a woman’s reputation from your false bragging? ”
He hung his head. She was absolutely right, and he would rather go through dental surgery than come clean to his friends. But it was what she asked of him, so he had to do it. “I’ll speak to them. I can only hope they’ll still be my friends afterward.”
“Better to have a friendship to repair than one that is built on false pretenses,” she said, finishing her coffee.
He nodded slowly. “I’ll go in early and see if I can speak to them. But Ann, please say you forgive me. I don’t want to go away with you angry at me.”
“I can’t say I’m happy about this, but if I have your word that you’re being honest with me, then yes, I forgive you. I hope you’ll forgive what I said yesterday.”
Oh, thank God!
He took both her hands in his and kissed them. “I forgive you, and I swear I’m telling the truth.”
Needing physical proof that she didn’t hate him, he leaned across the table and pressed his lips gently to hers.
She kissed him back so softly his heart flooded with relief and aching adoration.
There was nothing better on God’s earth than kissing Ann.
She was sweetness itself as he traced the seam of her lips with his tongue, opening her to a deeper kiss.
As she kissed him back, she opened for him like a flower, and he sipped her sweet nectar greedily.
Pulling away reluctantly, he said, “I should pack and get going.” Because if he stayed, he’d never make it to work at all.
In several minutes, he was ready to walk out the door. He kissed Junior on the forehead, picked up his bag, and kissed Ann on the cheek.
“Be safe,” she said. “I’ll have dinner ready for you when you get home on Friday.”
He gave her one last kiss and headed out, wishing there was some way to magically undo his past and transform it into something better.
There was a lot to ponder as he drove to the airfield.
Somehow, he had to become the man Ann deserved.
And if it meant having some difficult conversations, then so be it.
He’d tried before. Honestly, he had. But maybe not hard enough.
For Ann’s sake, he had to make them understand, no matter how embarrassing the conversation might be.
As soon as he got to the hangar, Pritchard came striding toward him. Well, it was now or never.
“Oh good, you’re here,” said Pritchard. “Major Willoughby is looking for you.”
So maybe not now. Bill heaved a quiet sigh of relief at the brief reprieve from making his confession. Keyed up and more than a bit distracted, he headed to the Major’s office and knocked on the door. “Hello, Major. Pritchard said you wanted to talk to me?”
“Yes, come in and sit down.” Bill took one of the chairs in front of the Major’s desk. “I wanted to let you know that I’ll be leaving shortly.”
“Leaving, sir? But you only just got here. Major Fleet left last month.”
Major Willoughby gritted his teeth and shrugged.
“The powers that be have decided to move the Air Mail operation under civilian leadership, so I’ll be moving on.
You, however, have a choice. You can resign your commission and stay with the Air Mail operation as a civilian, or you can be redeployed.
I’ve been asked to tell you that if you stay, your pay would be increased to three thousand a year.
Personally, I think it’s going to be a disaster under civilian leadership, so I’d encourage you to get out while you can, but it’s up to you. ”