Chapter Three
Bernard
Monday, April 11
MONDAY MORNING BERNARD picked up his friend and coworker, Sarah.
“You look down today. What’s wrong?” she asked.
Bernard could always confide in Sarah; they’d been close friends since high school. She was the first person he’d ever come out to, and one of the few friends who’d stood by him afterwards. She’d met her husband John at college, where she’d been on a tennis scholarship. Bernard had even acted as groomsman at their wedding two years later.
Her husband, John, was an amazing man. He was big, burly, hairy, and compassionate. John ticked all the boxes Bernard looked for in a man. He never told Sarah he found John attractive, but she knew.
“Well,” Bernard said. “It’s about what happened Friday night.”
He described the night’s events. Sarah did not interrupt his story. She allowed Bernard to express his pain.
After he finished, Sarah placed a hand on his shoulder.
“I’m so sorry, Bernard. I can’t believe he would say those things. How awful.”
Bernard fought back tears as his chest tightened. He struggled to breathe. He pulled over as he hyperventilated.
“It’s okay. Deep breaths, deep breaths.” Sarah rubbed his back. “It’s going to be okay. Did you take your medication this morning?”
Bernard forced a nod. He’d been on the same anxiety medication for seven years. He’d started taking it after he broke up with his last boyfriend, Tracy. It was supposed to relieve anxiety attacks and depression. Nights like Friday proved it didn’t always work.
“How much did you drink last night?”
Bernard shook his head. “No”—breathe in—“drinks.” Breathe out.
“Okay.” She continued to rub his back.
With his breathing evened out, he balled his hands into fists. He looked at Sarah, tears threatening to release. Her green eyes gleamed back at him.
“Why are these guys so nasty?” He choked on the words. “They wanted to fuck with me. I’m just a joke to them. None of them actually want me.”
Sarah sat speechless.
“Even guys my size don’t want a guy my size. They want thin, athletic, hairless, toned, or muscular men. They want everything else, but they don’t want me!”
The tears fell. Sarah grabbed tissues from the glove compartment and handed them to him.
“I’m meant to be alone. That’s it. I have to face facts, or I’ll implode.” He blew his nose. Bernard removed his glasses to wipe his eyes.
“That place is no good for you, Bernard,” she said. “You like to sit and read. Play video games. You prefer a good sappy movie over a dance club. You don’t like those places.”
“But I can’t meet people at home. It’s the only gay club within twenty miles.”
“You need to take a break from the bar scene.”
“I can’t do this anymore,” he said, ignoring her comment.
“That place has changed you.” Her face screwed up in a grimace.
“What do you mean?”
“You used to be happy sitting at home, watching a movie with Ginger curled up at your feet. Now—” she looked at him. “Now you want to push your limits to see how much you can torment yourself before you collapse.”
“I…”
She cut him off. “You have to face the fact the club scene is not for you. You need another route.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. We’ll think of something.”
“Or I live alone.”
“Bernard, you’re a wonderful person who deserves to be happy. There has to be a bear out there for you.”
She reached over and hugged him. He smiled at her use of the term bear. He didn’t know what he’d do without her. Sarah was his rock, confidant, and biggest supporter. She even set him up on dates multiple times. When the dates ended with the guy never contacting him again, he couldn’t face her. He asked her to stop setting him up two years ago. She obliged and stopped. He’d told her he didn’t want to date, and he just needed time alone.
He’d had a single date in two years, but never told Sarah about it. His coworker, Mark, set him up with his brother-in-law, Sean. She’d be upset if she’d found he let someone else try to find him a boyfriend. That date didn’t end well, and he couldn’t admit to Sarah that he’d failed again.
“Maybe I should give in to what the gay community wants. I’ll lose weight, get in shape, and become the stereotypical gay muscle bear they all want. It would make everything easier, wouldn’t it?”
“Seriously?” She pulled away from the hug. “No, it wouldn’t be easier. You’re fine the way you are, and I know you better than anyone. You’re not one to give in to the pressures of beauty standards.” She punched him on the shoulder. “You’re a strong, intelligent, and independent person. You’re a great catch. Anyone who doesn’t see that is missing out.”
“Thank you.” He smiled.
“Now get driving, or we’ll be late for work.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
Bernard cleared the rest of his tears from his face and got back onto the road.
*
BERNARD AND SARAH walked into a three-story office building. It had an empty shop on one side and a drugstore on the other. The Haggarty Insurance Corporation sign occupied the area above the door.
“See you at lunch?” Sarah asked.
“Let’s get sandwiches at Carrie’s.”
“Sounds good to me.”
Sarah walked down the hall while Bernard walked past the information desk.
“Good morning, Alice,” he said to the receptionist.
“Good morning, Bernard.” Alice smiled.
Bernard took the elevator to the third floor, entered the breakroom, waved to Sharon and Mark, and grabbed a cup of coffee on his way to his office.
A desk, filing cabinet, computer, chair, and two shelves crowded the small office. Bernard lit two vanilla candles and pulled out a folder from a cabinet. He pored over spreadsheets, entered data, and performed mathematical calculations. He used risk analysis to help his company turn a profit. His job wasn’t glamorous, but he enjoyed it. Bernard became absorbed in his work. Everything else took a backseat when he focused. He required an alarm clock set at different times to ensure he took breaks, ate lunch, and didn’t stay too late. Sarah joked if he didn’t have the clock he’d be there overnight.
His break alarm sounded. He stood, stretched, and shut it off.
His bladder ached for release. He rushed to the restroom to relieve himself.
After a break, Bernard strolled back to his office with fresh coffee, an empty bladder, and plenty of paperwork on his desk.
When his lunch alarm sounded, he headed downstairs to meet Sarah. They walked across the street to Carrie’s.
Carrie’s Sandwich Shop had a homey feel to it. The scent of their fresh bread, roast beef, and caramelized onions enveloped the shop, tantalizing Bernard’s nose. Two arcade games sat in the back of the shop; their screens called to people to play.
Bernard squeezed into a booth. “I wish they’d get bigger booths. I feel like an adult trying to fit into a child’s car seat.”
“I’m sure it’s not that bad.”
Bernard pointed to the table, his gut a mere inch from the booth. “No?”
“Okay, let’s grab a table.”
They ordered and sat at a table with their drinks.
“So, what are your plans tonight?” Sarah asked.
“I’m going to stay in, put on a movie, have a nice dinner, and just relax for a change.”
“That sounds amazing. After the night you had Friday, I couldn’t imagine anything better.”
“Yup. You’re right. That place is toxic. I don’t need it in my life.”
“It’s definitely not your scene.”
“You’re right.”
A server dropped off their sandwiches with a smile.
Bernard bit into his pulled pork sandwich. “These are amazing. I would eat every meal here if I could.”
“Tell me about it.” She took a bite and swallowed. “So, there’s someone I want you to meet.”
“Are you trying to set me up?”
“No, not at all. John’s cousin moved to town after saving up to leave Washington. He’s…” She hesitated. “He’s not in a good place and could use friends. He’s gay and got out of a relationship a few years ago. He’s still recovering from it. I don’t want to say too much, but I think you two could be friends, nothing more.”
“Wow. It must be hard to pack up and move to another state.”
“He’s a great guy and doesn’t have any gay friends here. So, of course, I thought you two could at least meet. He’s a bit shy, but a kind man. Even if you don’t become friends, he’ll know another gay man in the area and not feel overwhelmed or alone.”
“You are the sweetest person I know. You always think about others.”
“Thank you. I just want to make sure everyone in my life is happy, or as happy as they can be.”
“In that case, yes. I’d like to meet him.”
“Great, we’ll plan a dinner party.”
*
BERNARD DROPPED OFF Sarah after work and drove home. He let Ginger in and started dinner.
While the vegetables steamed, the phone rang.
He answered the kitchen phone. “Hello?”
“Hey, son, how are you?” Bernard’s dad asked in Portuguese.
“Hi, Dad. It’s good to hear from you. I’m doing well. How are you?”
“Oh, not too bad, not too bad. I was hoping you could come by for lunch on Saturday. I want to barbecue some burgers and hot dogs. It’s going to be a small gathering. Just some family and a few friends.”
“Yes, I’m in.”
Bernard had not visited since Christmas. It’d be good to see his dad, brother, and the family again.
“Perfect grilling weather,” his dad said.
“Sounds great.”
“So, anything new in your life?”
“Same ol’, same ol’.”
“So, you won’t be bringing anyone to the barbecue?”
“I could ask Sarah and John to come along,” Bernard said.
“No, I mean, a boyfriend.” Bernard couldn’t help but catch the coyness in his father’s voice.
His father was being his father. He asked every chance he got if Bernard was dating. He meant well, but Bernard didn’t have the heart to tell his father that his last boyfriend, Tracy, had hurt him. He wanted to find love again, but the memory of Tracy loomed in the back of his mind.
“Probably not. I’m not seeing anyone.”
“That’s a shame. Well, I look forward to seeing you on Saturday.”
“Thanks, Dad. Love you, and I’ll see you Saturday.”
“Love you too, son.” They both hung up.
What is with everyone’s sudden obsession with my dating life?
Bernard grabbed his dinner and walked into the living room. He pulled out a tape and showed it to Ginger.
“Let’s watch In & Out starring Kevin Kline, playing the part of a lifetime. A straight actor playing a gay man struggling with his sexuality.” Bernard laughed at his joke.
Still, the public finds men like Kevin Kline attractive. He’s not fat like me. So, he’s what both straight and gay audiences want.
Bernard ate dinner while Howard Brackett’s former student outed him on national television.
“Ginger, do you think I need to find a man like everyone says?” He placed his empty plate on the coffee table.
Ginger barked and jumped into his lap to curl up.
“I didn’t think so.”
They finished the movie and watched the end credits. “Well, even the newly gay teacher can find love,” he sighed. “First man he meets, and bam. Ah, the magic of a rom-com.”
He put the tape away and took the dishes into the kitchen. He cleaned the dishes, then headed to his bedroom.
After a hot shower, Bernard dressed in his nightclothes and moved to his bedroom window. He looked out at the backyard. Rain fell into the yard.
“Maybe this is a sign,” Bernard told Ginger. “The rain is washing away the past, and my future is bright.” He smiled. “You know what? I need a snack.”
He walked to the kitchen to grab cookies and poured a glass of milk.
“You know, Sarah’s right,” he said through a mouthful of cookie. “That place is not good for me. I was fine until I saw all those men. I’ve been happy with myself before, and I can be happy again.”
The dog pawed at his leg. “Aww, do you want a doggie biscuit?”
Bernard gave Ginger a biscuit while he finished off his cookies.
“Well, we should get to sleep. I can’t wait for Saturday. I’m sure you’ll love to run around and have fun on the farm.”
Ginger barked at him.
“You know, I am happy, but I still feel something is missing. I’m sure I’ll meet someone one day when I’m not expecting it. That’s how it works, right?”
Ginger cocked her head.
“They could be right under my nose, and I’d never know it.”
Bernard ignored the comment. The last time he got his hopes up was with Sean. He’d had one date with Sean a year ago, and it didn’t work out. Sean wasn’t to blame for what happened. It was a miscommunication on Bernard’s part. Right now, he needed to focus on himself. He had to figure out his life before he could share it with someone.