Chapter Four
Bernard
Saturday, April 18
BERNARD AVOIDED LIQUID Pearl the entire week. He and Sarah sang along with the radio on the drive to work. He walked Ginger after work every day. Ginger played at the dog park while he read.
The phone rang Saturday morning as Bernard finished the dishes.
“Hello?”
“Hey, son,” his dad spoke in Portuguese.
“Hi, Dad. How are you this morning?” Bernard replied in Portuguese.
“Doing all right. I wondered if you could pick up a few things on your way out here for the barbecue?”
“Sure thing. What do you need?” He grabbed a piece of paper and a pen.
“Two bags of ice, twenty pounds if you can get them, and some soda. Any type, just grab three twelve-packs.”
“Not a problem. I will grab those and be there around noon.”
“Thanks, son. See you soon. Love you.”
“I love you too, Dad.”
*
BERNARD PULLED INTO his dad’s driveway at noon. Dust enveloped his truck on the dirt road. His dad lived alone on two acres of land. He had a three-bedroom farmhouse with a small barn. The farm housed chickens, a few milking goats, and a Queensland heeler named Bonnie. His dad also had a stubborn ram who disliked everyone except his dad and Ginger.
Bernard parked and let Ginger out to run. She made a beeline for Bonnie. Bernard lifted the cooler out of the bed of his truck.
“Long time no see, Bernard,” a voice called out from behind him.
Bernard turned around. A man taller and stockier than him strolled up the dirt path. His short chestnut hair danced in the breeze. His jeans and T-shirt hugged his curves.
“Rory Sinclair.” Bernard put his cooler down and hugged him. “It’s been way too long, my friend.”
His soft beard rubbed against Bernard’s cheek.
Bernard’s heart skipped a beat. The hint of Rory’s cologne took him back in time. They were teenagers again, hanging out in the food court at the mall. He took a deep breath, savoring the scent. Rory’s cologne was the only brand that didn’t make him nauseous.
“It’s good to see you, Bernard.” Rory broke the hug. His family moved from Scotland when he was ten and he still held a subtle Scottish accent.
“You as well,” Bernard said. “How are you doing?”
“I’m doing all right. I’m finishing my master’s degree in electrical engineering in a few months.”
“That’s fantastic. Congratulations.”
“Thanks. And what have you been up to?”
“I’m still living the dream at Haggarty Insurance Corporation as an actuary.”
“Fancy.” Rory grinned.
“Oh yeah, so exciting.” They both laughed.
Rory vanished when he started grad school six years ago. He didn’t have time to spend with his friends. Bernard didn’t blame Rory for the distance. He suspected Rory’s mother had something to do with it.
They hauled the supplies to the backyard where a few people had gathered. Bernard recognized his brother, Emilio, Aunt Antonia, and her son, Carlos.
“Dad. Where do you want this?” Bernard grunted.
His dad stood at the grill, cigarette in his mouth and beer in hand. The man always had a beer and cigarette nearby in his waking hours. Bernard and Emilio told him to stop drinking and smoking so much, but he refused.
The aroma of burgers and hotdogs wafted outward. Bernard’s mouth watered; he loved his dad’s cooking.
“Just put them on the porch. There are a few coolers inside. Can you fill them with ice and soda?”
“No problem.”
“Oh, and there’s beer in the fridge. If you can put them in a cooler by themselves with ice, that’d be great. Thanks, son.”
Bernard and Rory filled the cooler, and Bernard took a soda. Rory grabbed a beer, and they made their way to the grill.
“These look fantastic, Jo?o,” Rory said.
“Thanks. The secret is in the spice.” He smiled.
“Which you’ve never taught us,” Bernard said.
“If I taught you, it wouldn’t be a secret.” His dad looked up at him and winked. He stood five feet tall. Bernard got his height from his mother’s side. His great-grandfather had been six feet tall.
“Fair enough,” Bernard conceded.
“I’m going to check on the pies,” Rory said.
“All right, we’ll talk later,” Bernard said.
A dozen people milled about the yard. All the guests had a drink and someone to talk to. Bernard gave Antonia and Carlos hugs and said hi. Carlos was talking with a few people Bernard didn’t recognize. Antonia discussed Avon or Mary Kay with a few women, so he left them to it.
Bernard walked up to his brother.
“Hey, Emilio.”
“Hey, Bernard. How is everything?” Emilio hugged him.
“Taking it one day at a time.”
Emilio was the polar opposite of Bernard. Emilio was two years younger and had inherited their father’s appearance. He was four inches shorter than Bernard, lean and muscular, with jet-black hair, piercing blue eyes, and suntanned olive skin. Bernard’s skin was a pale olive from years of being indoors. Emilio possessed a sense of confidence Bernard lacked. Their father’s confidence. Bernard gained their mother’s insecurities.
“So, how are you doing, really?” Emilio asked.
“I’m doing okay, I promise. I’ve stopped drinking, I’m taking my medication. I have a great job, and a fantastic friend who keeps me on the straight and narrow.”
Bernard didn’t tell him about his experiences at the club. His brother would worry. It was his burden, not his brother’s.
“Good.” Emilio smiled.
“How are Camila and the boys?”
“They’re doing well. Camila is visiting her parents in Nebraska for a week with the boys before they have to be back in school. To be honest, it’s good to have a little time alone.”
“I’ll bet. Alone time is necessary to stay sane.”
“Hear, hear.” Emilio held up his beer.
“Wait? Why aren’t they in school?”
“We transferred, and they attend a year around school. They are out in, let’s see—” Emilio paused. “April, August, and December.”
“How do holidays work?”
“They get the usual holidays off. Fourth of July, Christmas, Thanksgiving, same as we did,” he said.
“Not like when we were kids. Summer was it,” Bernard said, “but I wouldn’t give it up for rotating months off.”
“Same.”
“I’m going to grab another soda. We’ll catch up some more.”
On his way back to the cooler, his dad stopped him.
“Bernardo, come here.”
“Dad, can’t you call me Bernard?”
“No, I named you Bernardo, and that’s what I’ll call you,” he said. “Anyway, how are you and Rory getting along?”
“Fine,” Bernard said. “Why?”
“Oh, just wondering.” He shifted and looked down at the grill. He wouldn’t meet Bernard’s eyes.
Bernard narrowed his gaze. “Why?”
“No reason.” He held up his hands. “You two haven’t seen each other in a while, so I just wanted to check.”
“Dad, are you trying to set me up?”
“Not set you up. I just remember how well you and Rory got along at school, and he was one of the few people who stuck around after you came out. You guys had great times. I just thought—”
“Dad, I love you, but your taste in men isn’t the same as mine.”
“I don’t have a taste in men,” he protested.
Bernard laughed. “Okay, let me rephrase it. What you think I like in a man differs from what I like in a man.”
“Except, you forget I’ve met the guys you date. Rory checks all the boxes. He’s your age, he’s handsome, he’s a sweet boy, he’s got a large build like you, he’s single, and he’s employed. What more could you want?”
“For starters, someone who’s actually gay.”
“Rory’s gay,” his dad insisted.
“I’m sure if he was gay, I would know. I’m sure he would have told me.”
“Would he tell you?” His dad raised an eyebrow.
Would Rory tell him? He hadn’t told Rory right away. He’d been out to Sarah for two years before he told Rory.
“Of course he would. We’re friends.”
“Even friends keep secrets if they’re scared.”
“I’m sure he’s not gay.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure.”
“Dad, why are you trying so hard?”
“Bernardo, I love you, son. I see how you look at Emilio and his family. I know you want someone in your life. I care about you, and I want what’s best for you. Your mother wanted it for you too. She would have found someone for you if there had been more time.”
“She was wonderful,” Bernard said. “She never got to know I was gay. I know she would have accepted me, loved me, and helped me find love.” Tears welled up in his eyes.
“She knew. We both did. Neither of us wanted to force it. We knew you’d come to us when it was time.” He put his arm around Bernard.
“Thanks, Dad. That means a lot.” He wrapped his dad in a hug.
Bernard wiped away the tears and walked to the cooler to grab a soda.
He went over to Bonnie’s fenced-in area for her house and play area. Ginger and Bonnie chased each other. Two carefree dogs.
Rory walked up next to him. “It’s wonderful to see them play.”
“It sure is,” Bernard said. “We need to hang out more now that you’re done with college.”
“I’d like to hang out again. It’s been lonely the last six years.”
“I’ve missed you,” Bernard said. “You and Sarah are the only ones I’ve kept in contact with from high school. I haven’t seen you since you started grad school.”
“I’ve missed you too. I’m almost done, so we can pick up where we left off.”
“I’d like that. I don’t have many friends these days.”
“Why do you think that is?” Rory asked.
“I didn’t think most people would accept me when I came out. So, I pushed most of them away for fear of being hurt. I’m sorry I did that to you.”
Bernard put his face in his hands. He’d pushed one of his best friends away. He’d come back after a year. It was great, until Rory left for grad school. He’d missed his friend for six years.
“I understand why you did it. I know my family doesn’t approve of our friendship.”
“I’m glad you came back,” Bernard said.
“I’m glad I did too.”
Bernard turned. Rory stood there, a handsome man. His father was right. Rory was his type.
Rory’s cologne wafted into Bernard’s nose. He closed his eyes and smiled.
“So, how are you after…you know?” Rory asked.
“Tracy?” Bernard said. “I’m doing okay. I haven’t dated since.”
“I know it was hard on you,” Rory said.
“It was. But I needed time, and it turned into seven years.”
Bernard swallowed a lump at the memory of Tracy. He pushed it aside, refusing to allow his ex to occupy his mind again.
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Thank you,” Bernard said. “What about you? Do you have a special lady?”
“No one in my life. I don’t have many friends either. It’s been hard.”
“I’ll always be your friend.”
“Thank you, and remember, you will always have me by your side.” Rory patted Bernard on the back.
“So, did my dad say anything to you when he invited you here?”
“He just told me he was having a barbecue. He’s invited me a few times, but I couldn’t make it. Why?”
“Well, he thinks you and I would make a handsome couple.”
“Wait, your dad thinks…”
“That you’re gay, yes.” Bernard finished the sentence.
“I mean, why would he think I’m gay? Is there something…” Rory sputtered.
“I don’t think you’re gay,” Bernard said. “I’m sure as much as we hung out, you would’ve told me.”
“You didn’t tell me at first.” Rory’s face fell. He muttered under his breath.
Can he be? Is this his way of seeing how I’ll react? If he is gay, could I be his type?
“Rory, I–”
“We were close, Bernard. Real close. But you didn’t tell me.” Rory wrapped his arms around himself.
“I’m sorry, Rory. Because of your family’s connection to the Church, I didn’t know how you’d take it.” Bernard reached over and wrapped his arms around him.
“I understand. You told me as soon as you felt comfortable,” he said. “But then you didn’t want to hang out anymore.”
“The Church excommunicated me. Being around you reminded me of what it cost me to come out. But not having you in my life was worse than anything I could have imagined.”
When the Church excommunicated him, his father, brother, and sister-in-law refused to attend anymore. They stood by him.
“I’m sorry you went through that. I’d never hurt you. You know I’ll be by your side, no matter what.”
Bernard pulled away. “I know, and that’s why I reached back out to you, and you helped me at my worst. I’ll never let you go again.”
Rory stared off into the distance. Tears formed in his eyes as he turned to face Bernard. Bernard didn’t take his eyes off him. Rory wiped away the tears.
“I’d like to think if I was gay, you’d support me the most,” he said.
“Of course I would.”
“My parents wouldn’t,” he said under his breath.
“I would accept you if you were gay, bi, or anything in between, Rory. No doubt.”
“I…I’m happy to hear that.” Rory smiled.
Bernard wrapped his arms around Rory again. This was what a relationship is. Love, understanding, and compassion. This was the relationship Bernard never had with Tracy.
Bernard pulled away and looked into Rory’s eyes. His beautiful green eyes.
“We’re going to hang out more, Rory.”
“Thanks.” Rory smiled.
The sun set behind the field, producing an orange shimmer on the lawn. Ginger and Bonnie had curled up in a patch of grass.
Bernard and Rory stood in silence until the sun disappeared over the horizon.
Bernard got a pen and wrote his number on his business card and had Rory do the same.
“I’ll call you soon to hang out,” Rory said.
“I look forward to it.” Bernard hugged Rory.
Bernard squeezed hard against Rory’s chest. The heat of Rory’s body warmed him inside.
Bernard said his farewells to his family and headed home with Ginger.
“Ginger. It’s been a great day,” he said as he undressed. “Tomorrow, I’ll sleep in and we’ll go for a walk in the park.”
Ginger barked.
“Do you think we should invite Rory? He might enjoy a walk in the park with us. Although he said he’d call me. What should I do?”
Will he want to walk in the park with us? Or was he just being nice when he said he wanted to hang out more?
Feelings flooded back. He’d fallen in love with Rory when he discovered he was gay at nineteen. He told Rory he was gay in hopes Rory was too. His stomach churned at what he’d done when Rory never admitted he was gay. Bernard pushed him away, unable to see him. A man he was in love with who’d never love him back. That’s when he chose to date Jason. A man no better than Tracy. Bile boiled up in his throat at the thought of the two men who ruined him.