Chapter Thirteen
Present - Ryder
TAKING OUT MY earbuds, I pause the song I’ve been listening to on repeat. By the time I enter the random pizza place that Connor picked for us, there’s already a pizza and cup of Coke waiting for me. Connor’s got a slice halfway down his throat, and I can’t help but snort as he finishes it off like a stray golden retriever. Miraculously, there’s still a few pieces left for me.
Connor wipes his hands on a napkin before standing up to greet me. “Hey, thanks for coming, mate.”
“Every time you take me on a date, it means you want something.”
Connor laughs, sheepishly running his hands through his sandy curls. “I really gotta put some more effort into this romance of ours, eh?”
“Let me guess, the hunt for a lead singer hasn’t paid off? And you’re here to ask me to step in? Again?”
“ Oi , don’t put it like that .” Connor groans. “Listen, we’ve only got a month or so more out of Dylan, at a maximum. I’d thought having more time to find someone would be better…but I’ve been procrastinating. Dylan’s a good guy, so we’ve already gotten way more time out of him than he initially planned for, but I can’t keep asking that of him.”
“But you’ll ask it of me?”
Connor smirks, unbothered. “The fuck else have you got going on?”
I pin him with a glare. “I don’t think it’s a good idea that I step in.”
“I’m not asking you to step in this time.”
I stare at him blankly. “Then what are you here for?”
“I want you to be the lead singer of Immoral Support .”
“What?” I cough, Coke coming out of my nose. “No fucking way.”
Connor just looks at me.
“Are your ears broken? I said no fucking way.”
My phone buzzes on the table, but my chest pinches when it lights up with a name other than the one I was hoping for.
Lou: I swear it on the Lord Himself, if you don’t show up tonight…
Evie’s texted me every day since that night we went to the Swiftie thing, but nothing so far today. I’m not sure why I care so much. Chucking my phone on the table, I’m uninterested in being on the receiving end of some other type of bullshit.
Connor glances at my phone. “Are you playing… Taylor Swift …”
I snatch my phone off the table and shove it into my pocket. “Not another word.”
Connor raises his hands in submission before sighing. “Can we at least talk about it?”
“No.” I take a bite of the pizza.
“I’m talking about the band, not Tay–”
“I know what you’re talking about, asswipe, and still, no.”
“Come on, don’t be a stubborn cunt.”
“ You don’t be a stubborn cunt. Let this go.”
“Ryder. I have spent a full calendar year meeting people that would kill to have the spot. And every time I’m about to let one of them know they’ve gotten it, a clip of us at Poison Ivy resurfaces, and I can’t bring myself to take anyone else.” Connor drags his hands down his face, dramatic as ever. “You’re really going to make me say it?”
“Honestly, I have no idea where you’re going–”
Connor cuts me off. “Nobody has what we have, Ryder. When we’re together–”
I snort.
“Mock me all you want, but I can’t keep waiting. Dane and Rue might actually consider killing me if I don’t pick someone soon.” Dane and Rue, his bassist and drummer, a pair of good guys, and even better musicians. “We need to know where you stand.”
“You know where I stand. It’s not happening.”
“But why ? Give me a good fucking reason and I’ll leave you alone forever.”
I shake my head.
“See! You can’t even give me one! You just sit there, acting like you don’t care about a single thing in this world. Where’s the Ryder who helped me put my heart back together last year?”
“That was a one-time thing, so don’t show up at my doorstep the next time blondie makes you sad.” I don’t know what got into me that night, what made me follow him after overhearing the fallout between him and Brooke. Maybe I felt responsible for making sure she didn’t lose anybody else while I stood by and watched.
“Just think about it, really think about it, before you say no.”
Connor’s phone lights up with Ice Kween .
Nodding toward his phone, I seize the only opportunity I’ll get to change the subject, regardless of how out of character it is for me to ask. “How are things, by the way?”
“Honestly, the past year with her…it’s been the best of my life.”
“I’m happy for you.”
“What about you? Love on the horizon?”
Something about his question isn’t quite casual or teasing enough. Does he know something? I open my mouth, think better of it, and snap it shut, reminding myself that there’s nothing to know.
“Holy fucking shit balls.” Connor grins. “There’s a girl, isn’t there? You have a girl?”
I frown. “No, I don’t have a girl.”
“It’s the one I saw you with at the opening, isn’t it?”
What – fuck. Thankfully, Connor’s phone buzzes again, but this time it’s from Ara. I’ll have to thank her later for saving me.
“Er, Ara just texted me to ask if you’re still coming tonight.”
I groan. “You know that isn’t my scene.”
“You mean fun? With friends? At a place with other people?”
“Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.”
“It’s Lou’s birthday.” Connor looks at me as seriously as he’s capable of. “She’ll be gutted if you don’t turn up.”
“Alright.” I run my hand across my jaw, grappling with what to do. “Alright. Alright. I’ll be there.” Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I put the birthday girl out of misery.
Ryder: FFS, I’ll be there.
Lou: YAY
A night out with all five idiots. Sounds like a nightmare. Bringing some backup, a distraction of sorts, feels like a good idea. If Connor already suspects something, there’s no way the rest of them don’t already know anyway.
Ryder: Mind if I bring someone?
Lou: …
Ryder: ?
Lou: Lou is no longer available. She collapsed in a state of shock.
Lou: But if Lou could answer, she’d say yes.
Time to call in backup then.
Ryder: Want to go somewhere tonight?
Evie: Depends.
Ryder: Depends on what?
Evie: Where you’re trying to take me…
Ryder: A club.
Evie: A club? It’s Thursday.
Ryder: And? You took me out on a Monday.
Evie: Yes, but that was different.
Ryder: You can file your complaint with the group of idiots that are insisting on dragging me out.
Evie: Don’t they have jobs?
Ryder: Not the normal kind.
Ryder: So, will you come?
Evie: Sure.
Ryder: Where are you now?
Evie: Where I always am. Work.
Evie: About to order lunch while Marcy catches me up on the church gossip.
Ryder: Want to come help me pick out a birthday gift instead?
Evie: Not sure I can tear myself away. We’re finally getting to the part about Carol’s volunteer event going awry…
Ryder: Riveting.
Evie: IKR. Thankfully, her boss is cool and will let her finish the story after lunch.
Evie: Name the place.
Looking back up to Connor, I wipe the smirk off my face. “What?”
“Was that her you’re texting?”
“Yeah, why?”
“No reason.” Connor grins, before looking at the time. “The guys are waiting for me at rehearsal, but I want to get this out and I want you to listen.”
“Fine.” I sigh. “Say what you want.”
“Whoever Immoral Support gets this time, they’re for good. All this instability with the band…it’s not a good look. We’re lucky that it’s still the early days and the fans have been really understanding. Going forward though, whoever gets on that stage is taking us to the finish line.” I open my mouth, ready to tell him that it won’t be me, but Connor puts a hand up. “I don’t want your answer now, just for you to think about it. If we’re really friends at all, promise me that you’ll think about it.”
I stare at the shaggy-haired fool whom I haven’t been able to shake. He’s never turned his back on me, no matter how much of an asshole I’ve been over the years. Without a doubt, if I ended up stranded in the middle of nowhere, he’d not only be there to pick me up, but make an adventure of it. People like Connor are rare.
“I’ll think about it.” I owe him at least that.
Connor grins a little too widely for my liking. “Thank fuck.”
“But next time you decide to take me out, I want something a little more romantic.” I motion to the shitty pizza place that surrounds us. “I’m talking flowers and hearts and no mention of the band.”
“You got a deal, mate.”
“Good. If there’s nothing else, I’ve got a birthday gift to get.”
“I’ll see you tonight.” Connor claps me on the back. “And for what it’s worth, I hope it’ll be a yes.”
With that, I let myself picture it as I make my way to my bike that waits outside. Traveling the country, maybe even the world, with the closest thing I have to a brother at my side, surrounded by music. A head of dirty blonde hair standing backstage, watching me with those hazel eyes of hers.
It would be a hell of a life.
And a lot to lose.
· · ·
The glass door is surprisingly heavy as I hold it open for Evie, who walks through it a little too amused. “You? Inside the International Mall? Seriously?”
“What’s wrong with International Mall?”
“Nothing, it’s just…” Evie smirks. “Did Hot Topic finally close at Countryside?”
I roll my eyes. “For the last time, I’m not emo.”
But it is weird for me, doing such a mundane thing like going to the mall, but I won’t admit that. Evie is already right about way too much.
“I just can’t imagine you wandering through Abercrombie & Fitch.”
“Good thing I won’t be.” I bump her with my shoulder. “You’re forgetting that we’re not here for me. Lou won’t let me show up to her birthday empty-handed, and I thought some female insight would make this little excursion more successful.”
“Smart. You’d be useless without me.”
“So, where do we start?”
A flick of hair over her shoulder. Today it’s styled down, framing her face. “The trick is walking aimlessly until something grabs your eye.”
“That sounds like torture.” And hopefully, it takes hours.
“In the meantime, you can tell me a little about your friends.”
Oof. “Well, Lou is like a category four hurricane, made up of golden curls and attitude, but it’s impossible to dislike her. Trust me, I tried, and it didn’t work out for me.”
“How does Lou fit in with them all?”
I frown. “Well, she’s Ara’s best friend, so she’s always around.”
“Why are you frowning?”
“The others sort of tiptoe around in an attempt not to scare me off. Lou stomps right on over me and doesn’t bat an eye while doing it.”
“Sounds like she’d be my favorite.” Nervous hair tuck. “Does Lou have anyone?”
“No, Lou’s horrifically single. We’ve had that in common.”
“You don’t think she…” Evie bites her lip. “I mean, with you …”
I choke. “You mean, Lou and me?”
Evie nods.
Gathering myself, I try not to look too amused. “That is one thing you’ll never, ever have to worry about, but I can’t wait to see the look on her face when I tell her you asked.”
The truth is, Evie doesn’t have to worry about it with anyone . There’s nobody but her.
“I had to ask!” A blush spreads up her neck as she shoots out another demand, desperately trying to escape her vulnerability. “Tell me about Ara.”
Sigh. “When I first met her, she was unbelievably sad after losing her father. He left her letters, one for every month to help her get through it. I think…seeing how much joy she was able to find despite a loss of that magnitude…it’s as close to feeling uplifted as I’ve come in the last decade.”
“And Theo?”
“Theo is…just a good fucking guy. There’s no other way to describe him.” Which is exactly why I’ve never allowed myself to get too familiar with him, for fear of tainting it by proximity. “Beyond that, he’s a successful author and dating Ara, the girl of his dreams.”
“They sound like really special people.”
As usual, Evie isn’t wrong. “You sort of know Brooke and Connor already, right?”
“Only through our quick introduction at the opening and what Marcy has told me. And Google.” She tacks on a bit sheepishly. “Why was Connor on the street when you met?”
“His father is the kind of asshole who would rather see his kid on the street than swallow his pride, but Connor got lucky, meeting Theo soon after. He never had to learn what living on the streets really takes.” Regret fills my chest as the last sentence leaves my mouth, tinged with the slightest of envy. “I don’t mean to belittle him. Connor has experienced some real shit.”
Evie glances my way, seeing more than I want her to. “Would you say he’s your best friend?”
I blow out a breath. “I’m not sure I deserve to call him that.”
“Are you closer with him than you are with the others?”
“I wouldn’t say I’m close to any of them.”
Evie is quiet for a second as we pause in front of Pandora, but she thinks better of it and continues our aimless wandering. I’m glad for it. Lou would laugh in my face if I bought her a charm bracelet. “And Brooke came into the fold last year?”
“Yeah.” My tone comes out a little short and Evie glances my way. Fuck.
“They aren’t good together?”
“No—they are. Connor is happier than ever.”
“You don’t get along with her?”
“Not really.” That’s all I’ll be saying aloud.
Brooke thinks I’m despicable. She has every right to. But for a long time, the sour side of me considered her too righteous for her own good. I’m not sure when my feelings changed about her.
Stealing a glance at the girl—the woman —standing next to me, I wonder if having something to believe in is what keeps us whole. My last ten years were spent without hope, my only belief being that I’d never see a particular head of dirty blonde hair again, never be on the receiving end of that bossy glare.
Yet here we are, walking through the mall on a Thursday.
“I guess we’ll skirt right on by that for now.” Evie veers to the left, headed for a store window on the other side. “How often do you see them all?”
“Just special occasions.”
As infrequently as I can manage.
“And how did you get involved with the band?”
“Okay, I’m cutting you off.”
“What, is your poor little throat getting sore from all the talking?” Evie lifts a brow. “I’m surprised you remember how to speak at all, if the take on your friends is any indication of how much you practice.”
I toss her a glare. “Tell me about your company.”
“Graahhhhh. I don’t want to talk about work.”
“And I don’t care.”
We stop in the middle of the walking traffic, a battle of wills I refuse to lose until eventually, she gives in. “Fine. Well, I worked hard in high school, but I wasn’t the big fish anymore. My grades were outstanding, but far from the best in the school. Despite that, with my parents’ connections, I was accepted by several Ivy League schools, but I refused to move away.” Evie glances toward me before dropping her face. “It was the worst fight we’ve ever had, but there was nothing they could say or do to make me go, aside from tying me up and shipping me in a box. If that was legal, they probably would have done it. But I think they know I’d have left once I turned eighteen so they didn’t push it.”
“It sounds like they wanted the best for you.”
“Don’t take their side!” Evie smacks me on the shoulder. “ Anyway , I took classes at the University of Florida. If I’m honest, I didn’t want to go to college at all, but I had to compromise and I got my Bachelor’s degree in Marketing.”
“ You didn’t want to go to college? The girl who made my life miserable with flashcards and studied so hard she left a permanent imprint on the table in the shape of a book?”
Shrug. “Things change.”
“What changed?”
“I spent all that time stressing and worrying about my education, my future, but at the end of the runway I looked back and wondered why I did it at all. I didn’t want to be a doctor. I didn’t want to be a lawyer. I had no idea what to do with it.”
“President of the United States was already taken, huh?”
Evie snorts. “Little Evie had no idea what she was talking about. I’d rather peel off my own skin than go into politics.”
“Professional cheerleader was out too, I take it?”
“Ryder. I can’t even touch my toes.”
I imagine a high school Evie, in a preppy little school uniform and pigtails to match, walking into the cheerleading tryout like she owned the place, just to realize she couldn’t even touch her toes. A shaking starts up in my chest and I burst into laughter, bits of my obsidian defenses crumbling with it. It’s rough and out of practice, but a genuine laugh.
“Don’t laugh!” Evie elbows me, but her eyes stick to my face, melting into the sweet, honeyed gold that means she’s pleased. “I put some thought into why I was so obsessed with those two careers, and at the root of them was making people happier. So, I considered what makes people the happiest and came up with the simplicity of celebrating. Whether it was achieving something in the face of opposition, or just making it through another year of this fucked up thing called life, if a day felt special enough, all the hardships would feel worth it.”
Fuck. I mean fuck . I’ve spent the last decade clashing against hope and calling it my enemy, while Evie has geared her entire career around ensuring people don’t lose theirs.
“I make it sound a lot simpler than it really was. There’s having an idea and then there’s the bit about bringing it to life.” Evie shakes her head. “Convincing my parents to let me get a job so I could save up enough money to start the company on my own…yeesh. They thought I was underestimating what it would take to have my own company, and they weren’t wrong. By the time I finished my bachelor’s, I had enough to start, and I decided not to go back for my master’s and dropped out of school without telling them.”
This still weighs on her, being forced to choose between disappointing her parents or herself. I nudge her shoulder with mine. “They should have known that anyone who doubts you will always end up looking stupid.”
Swallow. “Nobody has ever believed in me the way you always have.”
“I’m not sure how they don’t.”
It’s a simple truth and a heavy confession all in one. The words are just that: words, but something deeper laces through them, disguised from the naked eye.
As always, Evie sees right through it.
Her lashes flutter from where she gazes at me, a hint of a blush traveling across her cheeks. Glancing down to her throat, I watch her pulse point tremble, the beating in my chest taking off in time. As if she can’t help herself, Evie’s palm travels to rest over my heart. That sweet, delicate hand might as well be a defibrillator, the contact shocking me back to life.
My hand journeys to her face, and a small intake of breath escapes her mouth, as if the electricity flowed through me and I’ve zapped her right back. Softly tracing the hollow of her eyes and the pink creeping farther across her cheek, my fingers eventually drift down her throat, thumb pausing right over her pulse.
Evie shudders, her eyes locking onto my lips. We should talk about this first, figure out how the fuck my life and her life can come together without destroying everything. But I lose track of all of that, utterly and instantaneously at her mercy.
Except Evie clears her throat before taking a healthy step back. It hits me like a bucket of icy water and I’m grateful for it. We’re standing in the middle of International Mall, surrounded by a thousand reasons why she could’ve— should ’ ve —retreated and did.
And let’s not forget about my own.
“As I was saying…” Apologetic eyes meet mine, still tinged with a fire she can’t quite douse. Shaking my head, I attempt to clear my thoughts as she continues. “My parents were right about one thing. I was underestimating what it would take. I thought owning my own business would give me freedom and yes, in some ways it does, but it also steals it from you in ways you’d never expect.”
“How so?” My voice comes out rough, whether from the excessive talking or the feelings I now strain to hold back, I’m not sure.
“It’s the times you’re in the shower and you get called about an emergency, when all you want is five minutes of peace. Or…like when you’re finally reunited with someone you’ve spent years missing and longing for…but you get torn away instead.”
“Has it been worth it?”
“Yes. It’s been worth it.” Evie sighs. “If someone asked me whether they should start their own business I’d say yes, but I’d make sure they know it comes with sacrifice, and years of people looking at you like you’re embarrassing yourself for trying.”
“Your dedication is inspiring.”
“Is it?” The tone in her voice stops me dead in my tracks. It’s dropped an octave, the rise and fall of her words slower, challenging.
She’s flirting with me.
And I’m standing here like a deer in headlights.
I scream at myself to say something sweet or amusing, but instead I blurt out something so, so much worse. “Connor asked me to sing with the band again in a couple weeks.” At least I manage to leave out the part where he specifically asked for forever.
“Really!?” Evie’s eyes light up, full of the sort of excitement I can’t stomach dimming.
“I said I’d have to think about it.”
“Why?”
“There’s a few logistical aspects I’d need to work out.” It’s explanation enough without revealing too much. “But…I think I want to.”
Evie smiles. “Then you should do it.”
And as I explore the potential of doing just that, we both come to a stop. It’s uncanny how in sync the halt is, but here we are staring at this little bejeweled purse in the window, covered in gems of all colors, but most importantly a bright, bluish green.
I open my mouth, but Evie beats me to it. “Does Lou own anything cyan?”
“Actually…” I shake my head, Evie’s perception practically supernatural. “I’m pretty sure there’s this one outfit….”
Evie’s smile is the epitome of smugness as she inclines her head toward the entry. “We found ourselves the perfect gift, then.”
And it didn’t take nearly as long as I hoped for.