Chapter 20
Noah
My heart races as I lead Hannah to my bedroom. I’m taking a huge risk, but I need to tell someone before I fuck up and do something reckless that will ruin my life… and someone else’s.
“What’s going on?” she asks as I shut the door, the concern coating her tone making my stomach roil with more guilt.
I don’t deserve her.
I pace the room, fingers tugging my hair. The fresh cuts on my inner thighs are doing nothing to relieve the rising anxiety. I don’t know how she’ll take what I’m about to tell her. I could be about to lose a good friend I’ve come to care for.
“Noah? Talk to me.”
“I don’t know where to start,” I choke, still wearing my carpet thin with my pacing.
She steps in front of me, wraps her arms around my waist, and tilts her face to look at me. “Talk to me. Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out.”
“I don’t deserve you.”
She smirks. “Probably not, but you’ve got me anyway.”
Her teasing banter shocks me, and I huff out a laugh. “We’ll see.”
Concern floods her features. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I say quickly, but then sigh. “No? Maybe. I don’t know.”
Hannah pulls me over to sit on the edge of my bed. I’m glad when she doesn’t let go, and I grip her hand like she’s the only one keeping me from drowning.
“I’m your friend, Noah. I care about you. Whatever you tell me stays in this room. But whatever it is, I’ll help you through it.”
Tears sting the corners of my eyes, and I bow my head. It’s all I’ve ever wanted; someone in my corner, fighting for me, validating me, letting me know everything will be okay.
But it’s not.
This secret has the potential to blow up my life, and once I tell her, she might back out of our arrangement. My grandad’s birthday is next month, and I need her, no matter how selfish that makes me.
I could’ve waited, but hiding the real reason I need a fake girlfriend isn’t fair to her. The guilt is eating me up inside. I need someone to talk to about what’s going on in my head.
Hannah doesn’t push me to talk. She waits for me to work through the jumble of chaotic thoughts swirling around my head.
Drawing a shaky breath, I just rip the Band-Aid off.
“I’m gay.”
I brace myself for her incoming disappointment or anger or disgust, but none of it comes. Instead, she smiles and leans in to hug me. “Thank you for opening up to me.”
“That was not the reaction I was expecting,” I say, breathing out a heavy sigh and rubbing the back of my neck with my free hand, returning her embrace with the other.
“I’ve had my suspicions for a while,” she admits, pulling back to look at me.
I huff a laugh. “You have, huh?”
She smirks and nods. “You’re not as smooth as you think you are, Bentley.”
I flop back onto my bed, my hands resting behind my head as I stare up at the ceiling. “Good to know.” My voice is flat, because if she’s figured it out… how many others have as well?
She leans back on her elbow to face me. “It’s not the end of the world, Noah. Who cares if you’re gay?”
“You’ve met my father.”
She grimaces. “Is that why you’ve kept it a secret?”
I nod. “It wasn’t pretty when he found out about my previous boyfriend. I don’t want to go through anything like that again.”
“Hence the fake girlfriend.”
I wince. “I’m sorry for dragging you into this, and for not being upfront with you from the start.”
She shrugs. “To be honest, I was kind of hoping you might be bi, and there’d possibly be a time when you realised you liked me too.”
Her words stab me in the chest. She has no idea how much I wish I could’ve just fallen for her. If only she had the right body parts. “I’m really sorry.”
“Stop apologising,” she says, pushing her hand in my face. “I told you, it’s fine. No offense, but your dad’s a dick, and I kind of like being involved in a secret fuck you to him.”
I snort. “Thanks. I appreciate you helping me out, but I don’t know what I’m going to do for the rest of my life. It’s not like I can keep you on retainer forever. You’ll eventually find the perfect guy and our charade will be over.”
“Have you?”
“Have I what?”
“Found your perfect guy?”
My stomach twists at her loaded question. I haven’t only found one.
I’ve found two.
Not that it matters. I can’t be with either of them the way I want to. Out. Loud. Proud.
When I don’t say anything, her lips tug into a smirk. “It’s Zac, isn’t it?”
I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter who it is. The point is, I can never be with anyone. Not in public anyway, and no one deserves to live a life like that.”
“Not even you,” she says softly.
“I don’t have a choice.”
“We all have a choice, Noah. I’ll admit, yours isn’t an easy one. But sometimes the things worth having aren’t easy.”
“I hate this,” I say with a groan. “It’s tearing me up inside. I want to stand up to him, but he’s ruthless. He already ruined one guy’s life because of me. I can’t have someone else’s on my conscience.”
Hannah flops on her back beside me and entwines her fingers with mine, squeezing. “We’ll figure this out,” she says, determination fierce. “In the meantime, you’ve got me as the best fake girlfriend in the world for as long as you need.”
“I don’t deserve you, Hannah.”
“Everyone deserves happiness, Noah. I’m going to help you get yours.”
My throat clogs, and I try to clear it. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
We spend the next hour talking in my room, despite the party raging downstairs. I’m so grateful to have someone to talk to. I’ve spent my whole life hiding who I am from my friends, apart from Nathan. It’s freeing to have someone finally see the real me.
Her hatred for my father only grows when I tell her what he did to my ex, and she’s more determined than ever to help me find a way to live life how I want. No, the way I deserve.
I don’t tell her everything. Some skeletons need to stay hidden—like how I started cutting after losing him. I’m not ready to have all my demons out in the world, but she makes me realise that what happened to Nathan wasn’t my fault. It was my father’s. You can’t help who you fall in love with.
She doesn’t bring up Zac again, and I’m thankful. Nothing can happen with my teammate. Not while my dad still has this control over me. No guy in my public life is safe until I’ve figured out how to handle him.
“So, you’re really into this masked Romeo guy?” Hannah asks, concern clouding her blue eyes.
I grin. “Yeah, I am.”
She hesitates before saying, “You’re sure this club is safe?”
“I promise you, it is.”
She doesn’t look convinced.
“I appreciate you looking out for me,” I say with a chuckle. “You don’t have to worry.”
Because she’s an awesome human, she agrees to leave the party with me so it looks like I’m heading home with her. Her only request is that I message her the moment I get home later to let her know I wasn’t murdered for black market body parts.
Dressed in a hoodie and sweatpants to sell my story of a sleepover at my girlfriend’s, I carry an overnight bag with a change of clothes downstairs, my arm slung over Hannah’s shoulder.
My teammates give me shit for bowing out early. Everyone except Zac. He takes a swig of his beer and avoids my gaze, nodding once when Hannah says goodbye to him. It’s not like him, and I wonder if something happened after I disappeared upstairs.
I can’t dwell on it, though. Not when I’m going to meet someone else.
Hannah offers her car, so I don’t have to ride my bike home later, and I drop her at her dorm, changing there before heading out again.
My body thrums with anticipation as I make my way through the club, the room card in my hand. Only when I reach the bar, he’s not here. My eyes rove the crowded dancefloor. There are a lot of men grinding against one another, but none of them are the one I want.
I check my watch. I’m ten minutes late. Surely he hasn’t given up on me that easily.
The bartender shouts over the music, asking if I want anything. I shake my head, unease building in my gut. Have I fucked up somehow? Did he find someone who doesn’t need to hide behind these walls?
My skin itches, and I resist the urge to scratch at it, to purge the rising feeling of inadequacy. I can’t fucking do anything right. I’m a terrible son, a shitty fake boyfriend, a fucked-up gay. The room swirls, my breaths coming shallow. I’m barely hanging on, desperately trying not to panic.
There’s no way Dad followed through on his threat of having me followed.
Hannah spoke to Nan twice this month to finalise plans for our trip home in a few weeks.
As far as he knows, our relationship is the real deal.
I pay my Euphoria membership with cash every month, so he can’t have figured out I’ve been visiting a sex club to sleep with men. No. Not men. One man. My man.
My throat constricts. I tug on the collar of my t-shirt, trying to relieve the pressure.
I stagger away from the bar and bump into someone.
It barely registers as I spin and come face to face with a guy in a skeleton mask.
He steadies me with his hands on my shoulders, and his lips move, but I can’t make out what he says over the ringing in my ears.
Sweat beads on my temples, and I shake my head as I push away from him, stumbling towards the exit. I need air. I need—
A familiar frame steps through the blue velvet curtains, and I stop short, staring at him.
My heart skips a beat before picking up a staccato rhythm.
He’s here.
He runs a hand through his hair, releasing a breath as he meets my gaze.
I don’t move.
I can’t.
All I can do is watch as he walks towards me.
I clear my throat.
Something is different.
“I thought you weren’t coming,” I choke out when he stops close enough to touch, but I hold myself back.
He rubs the back of his neck and glances around the busy club. “Yeah, I thought so, too.”
“Is everything okay?” I bite the inside of my cheek, bracing myself for rejection.
His eyes drift to the card still clutched in my hand. “Everything’s fine. I just… Never mind.” He brings his gaze back to mine, his lips tilting into a small smile that does nothing to alleviate my unease. “I’m where I’m supposed to be.”
When I don’t say anything, he steps closer, cupping my jaw. “Sorry I’m late. I had to sort through some things, but I promise you, I want to be here with you.”
My body sags, and I lean into him, needing to feel the weight of him pressed against me as the emotional rollercoaster of the past five minutes settles heavily in my gut. He turns his head, kissing my neck as he reaches down to take the card from my hand.
I let him, needing him to take control while my mind pushes past the panic attack.
As he leads me towards the private rooms, I realise just how dangerous this is becoming.
My feelings for him have grown beyond what I expected when we started this a few months ago.
It’s scary how much I need him when I don’t really know him.
I don’t know who he is outside Euphoria. For all I know, he has someone else in his life, someone who isn’t giving him what he needs, kind of like what I have with Hannah. What if his someone is more than a friend pretending to be something more? What if I’m his dirty little secret?
It doesn’t sit right with me. I can’t give him more than one night a month, but I don’t want him to fuck up his life because of me.
That’s why, when the door clicks shut behind us and he moves in to kiss me, I hold back.
“Is there someone else?”
“No,” he says quickly, but he can’t hide the guilt in his eyes.
I take a step back.
“It’s okay.” Lie. It’s not okay. I’m not okay.
He shakes his head. “It’s not what you think. I’m not seeing anyone else. It’s just—” He pushes his hair off his face. “There’s this guy, but he’s straight, and he has a girlfriend.”
My stomach drops, but he keeps talking.
“For a moment I felt guilty about coming tonight because these feelings I have for him feel like I’m betraying what we have.
I’m confused because I can’t stop thinking about you, but I also can’t stop thinking about him.
It doesn’t make sense. I think I’m only attracted to him because I don’t know what’s going on between us.
Is this just a monthly release? Or is it something more?
I know you’re not ready to take this outside Euphoria, but is it all in my head, or is there something here? ”
I swallow around the lump in my throat. “Would it make a difference if he wasn’t straight?”
“What?” His face twists in confusion. “It doesn’t matter. He’s straight and unavailable.”
“But if he wasn’t?” I don’t know why I’m pushing this when I should just tell him how I feel about him, that I need this thing with him. But aren’t I doing the same thing? I’m attracted to Zac. He’s bisexual and single. The only barrier holding me back from going after my teammate is my father.
“I don’t know. It’s not an option, so why even bother considering it?”
He reaches for me, but I pull away.
“I can’t give you what you need. This is the best I can offer. Nameless, faceless sex once a month. That’s all I’ve got.”
Unable to meet his eyes, I focus on the laboured rise and fall of his chest as he processes my words. When he lifts his hand to cup my jaw, I let him.
He releases a shaky breath and rests his forehead against mine.
“I fucked this up, didn’t I?”
My chest tightens, and I squeeze my eyes closed, blocking out the memories of Nathan saying those same words two years ago. The day before my world blew up in front of my eyes.
I grip the back of his neck and pull his face closer so I can press my lips to his. He lets out a surprised grunt and tries to deepen the kiss, but I pull away, my hand already reaching for the door.
“I’m sorry,” I say as I back out of the room, turning and bolting before he can say anything.
My eyes blur, but I hold it together until I’m outside, the frigid winter air slapping me in the face. I rush away from the club, ripping my mask off when I’m a block away, letting it fall to the footpath. It was stupid to think I could have something with someone.
Ten minutes later, I’m pulling into the car park at Hannah’s dorm. Thankfully, she answers my call on the first ring.
“That was quick. I thought you—”
“Can I come up?” I choke out, interrupting her.
There’s a pause before I hear a door creak open. “I’ll be right down.”
Locking her car, I make my way across the car park, reaching the front door of the dorm just as she pushes through it. I pull her into my arms and bury my head in the crook of her neck, my shoulders shaking as I break down.
I didn’t even know his name, but he was my last chance at being happy. It might have taken some time, but I want to think I would’ve eventually found a way to stand up to my dad.
This will break me.
I can’t lose anyone else. There’s no point even trying anymore.