Wedding Blues #3
She gave me a knowing smile proud of my protectiveness of what I was marrying into. “You can call them what they are dear. That hesitation wasn’t on your part, it was on mine.”
I shrugged knowing that I was just as guarded and needed her to know I took no offense to any of her hesitation. “I understand you have to feel me out.”
Her brows lifted almost arrogantly as she smiled at me. “That I did.”
“And the verdict?” My curiosity was piqued and given that I had little interaction with older women I wouldn’t be surprised if she found me lacking in some way. Part of me hoped she wouldn’t.
“I wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t passed.
” Her smile was bright shining with more than the initial approval I’d been granted when we had lunch together.
She reached over and affectionately tucked a stray curl behind my ear before she continued.
“What I wouldn’t do is allow my son to be a victim of this game. ”
This was far more information than she’d provided me at lunch and it gave me pause.
“Like you were.”
“Like I allowed myself to be. You see the women I know. The ones who would have gone to hell and slayed the devil if I would’ve reached out to them and told them I was in need. I didn’t. I didn’t reach out for their help because I was worried.”
“Pride?”
She pursed her lips as a nonverbal agreement to my assessment. “Some of that. Some of that was wanting to prove to them and to me that I was far stronger than I could imagine. Maybe it was dumb. Maybe I should’ve done something else sooner but I’ll never really know will I?”
“Do you have any regrets? About agreeing to the marriage in the first place, I mean?” This was more than curiosity right now.
This was me being in similar shoes and wondering if I would be her in thirty-five years.
Trying to make sense of a relationship I hadn’t sought out but now had become the center of my world.
“No. No matter how bad it was, and trust me it was the War of the Roses in that house. I never regretted doing it. Because it brought me my Ori. My light.” She pressed her hand against her chest as if her heart couldn’t hold the love she held for him.
And damn if I wasn’t close to feeling the same way.
“Then how could you leave him?” I shouldn’t be prodding like this.
Not because it was impolite but because it was emotional.
I was being defensive, for Ori, which meant that I was feeling something.
Again, for Ori. His abandonment made me angry.
The thought of him being a confused little boy who didn’t have anyone to look after him made me furious and despite the way he seemed to roll over the pain of his childhood I still wanted answers.
You’re getting too close to him.
That warning echoed loudly in my head, and I couldn’t refute it.
Especially not standing next to his mother while we shopped for her dress to wear to our wedding.
I’d allowed myself to slip into the fantasy of this happening and not being so bad and I couldn’t even see the walls of the fantasy I’d trapped myself in to begin to plan my escape.
Maybe it’s because you don’t want to.
“Because I knew I couldn’t be the mother he needed.
Not while I was trying to figure out how to become the woman I always should’ve been.
Just because something is far away doesn’t mean it stops giving you its light.
It doesn’t stop being your reason to hope or to smile.
Look at the sun. Its distance is so far away yet it still shines down on this earth and provides us with warmth and energy and is a huge factor of survival.
Even the stars which are an innumerable number of miles away, still provide us light even in the darkest of nights.
That’s the same thing with my son. Even if it was from a distance, he still gave me what I needed and I did my best to do the same.
” Faith had spoken so beautifully, but I could still hear and see the sadness from her actions as if they were happening in real time.
“You’ve always been close by keeping him safe.”
She smiled at my conclusion instead of being afraid of it. “You really are a genius aren’t you?”
“Not a genius. But I know what a mother’s love is supposed to look like.
I’ve seen it among my friend and she’s a new mother.
With how fondly you speak of him, I couldn’t fathom how you could stay away.
It didn’t seem to be in you. And when you spoke just now it dawned on me: you didn’t stay away.
You might have kept your distance but you were never gone.
At least not completely. Whether you think so or not, I think he would appreciate knowing that. ”
Her face showed she felt I was off the mark this time. “And have him hate me more?”
“It’s better to take the risk don’t you think? All the time you talked about the woman you wanted to become, you’re back. Are you her yet?”
It was impertinent but I wasn’t going to advocate for Ori without taking Faith into account. If she couldn’t be who he needed I wanted to know.
“Some days. And then others, I still feel like I don’t know who I am.” This had to be far more painful for her to admit to me and to herself. It would’ve been easier to lie.
“I still think it’s only fair that he knows.
As much as I am not one to meddle or give advice on family situations especially when you can plainly see how dire mine are.
I think part of him needs that. Needs to know that you didn’t walk away to go live abroad.
Shop and engage in vapid activities as a way to make yourself forget that you had a son.
If he knew the reasons and that he was always a priority even in the execution of your absence it would heal some part of him even though he doesn’t think so.
” I finished pulling on the linen dress I’d worn here, hoping she’d agree.
“It’s been so long—”
“His age doesn’t matter. The length of time doesn’t matter.
Children, no matter their age, are never too old to hear a parent apologize.
To explain their actions right or wrong.
Because no matter what they internalize that shit as some type of failing on their part.
Children need to know their parents love them, no matter how old they are.
” I gave her hand a squeeze and she looked contemplative briefly before she spoke.
“Is that what you need from her?”
I laughed as I looped my arm through hers to exit the dressing area.
“My egg donor is a different woman than you are. I know the reasons for her feelings or lack thereof toward me. They are as vapid and superficial as she is. So there won’t be a healing conversation that comes with her.
Just more of her nonsense that would fill me with regret for engaging. Which is why I choose not to.”
“You let her rant and let the world see who the village idiot is.”
“More or less. Some already know and think it’s easier to let hatred be spewed than to debate it. They, like me, know that her mind will never change. So why argue with a madwoman?”
“That makes me sad for you, Asha.”
“Don’t be sad. I’m extremely blessed, despite how it all seems. Things could be so much worse than they are.
So don’t cry for me, Faith. I’m fine. Besides, you’re here.
You seem like you’re up for the challenge.
” It was an olive branch. One that let her know the openers for a bond with her was there if she wanted it.
I’d opened myself up to so many new people since the start of the new year that I was unsure of who I was anymore.
And part of me felt as though my behavior was an improvement over how I’d been before. She smiled and gave my arm a squeeze.
“More than you know.”
The rest of the appointment went well. The attendants were dressed in bright colors that seemed like a rainbow and I loved it all.
I was unsure about the theme of the wedding since I hadn’t planned any of it.
The only resistance was with Faith. She wore a deep champagne gold formal gown with an elaborate network of straps across her chest that gathered at her shoulders and then made two braided straps that stopped at the middle of her back.
I thought it was beautiful and she felt like it might be too much.
It took Babette to convince her that the dress was fine and she didn’t have to shrink herself.
I wasn’t sure if the two of them had ever been close, but Faith seemed to listen to her advice because she purchased the dress without further hesitation.
We got the rest of the women settled and then mapped out how we would work the wedding day over a catered lunch at one of the Franklin family restaurants.
We were fortunate that we didn’t have to worry about people getting off work or having a problem with traveling.
Everyone worked for the families or for themselves so once we had the date they locked it in.
I was again grateful to Midas and Nev who had a place for us to hold this.
Not that I was excited, it just made this easier to get on with so I was no longer a damn spectacle.
Liar.