18. Ryder
Ryder
This is the last game for a while, and I’m glad. I need a break in the routine, and my poor body needs a break from the chase, the mental preparation, and the tackling.
It’s different playing at this level. Was it time-consuming at Clemson?
Yes, but here, what people don’t understand is that it really is a full-time job.
We spend countless hours studying film, learning offensive tendencies, memorizing game plans from fourteen different opponents over seventeen games, and then practicing communication between all of us so we know what is happening at any given moment.
I swear the mental game is more important than the physical game.
Which is why I need a break.
My brain and my body are shot, and finally, next week we have a bye week. I could cry tears of joy.
Alice and I also have the gala. The Tarpons have organized the two of us to attend the Heart Gallery of Tampa gala.
This nonprofit group uses photography and video of children in the foster care system as a way of visibility that helps them find permanent homes.
They’ve helped many children over the years, and since we visited our school and because of Mighty Monarchs, they thought an event focusing on children would be great exposure for the campaign.
The theme is Dr. Seuss. It’s being held at the Children’s Museum, and it should be a fun night.
After the bye week, it’s our turn for Monday night football, and we’re playing the Carolina Panthers. They’re in our division, this will be a big rival game, and I will be bringing my A game.
Especially because I won’t be standing under the blazing-hot sun sweating my balls off.
This heat is brutal. I don’t know how other teams come here and play.
Today, we’re up against Detroit. I looked up their weather, and the high is in the upper sixties.
Here today it’s eighty-six degrees, and I have no idea what the heat index is.
In the stadium, we’re in a massive concrete bowl and surrounded by seventy thousand fans radiating body heat.
Glancing up at the jumbotron, the cheerleaders are dancing to “Crazy Train” by Ozzy Osbourne. I look for Alice, but I don’t see her.
Alice.
My mind drifts to Tuesday afternoon, and my stomach clenches. Thinking about her in a bikini is not good for my psyche. And remembering what she felt like wrapped around me? I have no words.
Every day this week, she’s posted a couple of photos for the products, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t screenshot them so I could look at them again.
That lip balm she had on made her lips look even plumper than normal.
Add in that they were shiny and her bikini had cherries on it, in my mind, she tasted like a cherry too.
One I very much wanted a taste of, only I know better.
I tried that once and failed epically. But being that close to her, and having her face close to mine, it didn’t stop me from dreaming about it.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were doing an official Tarpons marketing campaign?” Sully asks as he slides up next to me during this commercial break. I thought we were good, especially after our outing with the girls. But he’s been avoiding me all day, and now I know why.
I turn to face him and hold up my hand to shield the sun from beating down into my helmet and blinding me.
“I don’t know. I assumed you knew. It’s been all over the Tarpons social media pages for quite some time.
Those large pictures of us on the stadium, buses, and billboards have been up for months.
I mean, we were on the news together. Did you not hear about that?
I wasn’t hiding it. I just wasn’t talking about it.
You saw how the text thread blew up when you mentioned it yesterday. ”
“If you had said something, I could have tried to get you out of it.” He sounds offended for me, and I appreciate it more than he knows.
“Nah, it’s fine.” My gaze sweeps over the offense. They’re all huddled together and using the extra time. I try to get a read on who the quarterback is talking to. Didn’t they already know their next play, or are they trying to trip us up?
“Fine? This is your rookie year. It’s a hard year, and the only thing you need to be focusing on is learning and growing at the professional level.”
I don’t understand this guy. Why am I getting a lecture now? We just started the fourth quarter, and we’re tied. Was he holding in his anger toward me this whole game, and all of a sudden, he can’t anymore? Seems to me he needs to be redirecting toward the competition.
“I’m doing my best,” I tell him, trying not to get worked up.
“These events they have us doing are not hard, and many of them are already when we’re at a team event.
The barbecue, first game with the mascot, and the family picnic coming up.
Besides, I only have two more. We’re representing at a gala next week and then the picnic. ”
“But what about Alice?”
I stand a little straighter and drop my hand. “What about her?” Adrenaline drips into my veins and not the good kind. I hate that he’s mentioned her. I hate that any of them would even think about her.
He eyes me suspiciously, but I don’t even blink.
“What does she get out of this?” he asks.
“Paid, and you know the Tarpons are sponsoring her nonprofit.” My tone has turned harsher.
He takes a step back as he thinks about what I’ve said.
“I guess I’m surprised that they would do this, given how strict they are on fraternization in the handbook.”
And I snap.
“Oh my God. You have got to stop with the fucking handbook. Nobody cares, Sully. No. One. Cares.”
He steps forward again and levels me with his captain’s face.
“Well, that’s not true, and I’m going to ignore your little outburst there while giving you a lesson.
The handbook is there to keep our organization running like a well-oiled machine.
By establishing that there are no gray areas, there is no conflict.
Smooth sailing. Yes, you knew her in your past, but fraternization is not about when the first interaction happened or even the nature of your relationship.
This rule is in place because of the chain of command.
You outrank her. It disrupts the integrity of the cheerleaders program, calls into question acceptable conduct from both sides—hers and ours—shows favoritism, and, well, consent. ”
“Well, if they were worried about integrity and favoritism, then maybe they shouldn’t have picked us for the very reason that we have an established relationship.
Sully, you say our first interaction and nature don’t matter, but it does.
We’ve had some sort of relationship for over a decade.
Putting it in a handbook and saying that I can’t love her because it disrupts the flow of things—that’s not my problem. ”
“You love her?”
Shit, is that what I said?
My heart rate picks up.
That’s not what I meant, and I definitely didn’t mean to say it in front of him.
“Loved her,” I correct myself.
He says nothing, and it’s at this moment the ref blows the whistle for us to resume.
God, could he have picked a worse time to bring this up?
“This conversation isn’t over.”
“Yes, it is,” I tell him while jogging over to huddle with the other defense players.
All of us look at Miles, who is our middle linebacker and green dot player.
Every team has one. It’s always a middle linebacker or a safety.
Their helmets are equipped with a radio, and they relay play calling and messages from the defensive coordinator or the coach.
I blink really hard to try to clear my frustration and breathe in deeply to try to slow down my heart.
It’s third down with four yards to go, and we need to make the stop here by stopping a quick pass to prevent a new set of downs, all the while keeping our eyes out for a possible big play.
Miles holds up a high five. Five for the nickel play, and we run out of the huddle.
We adjust accordingly with five defensive backs and safeties deep just in case.
I love this play because it’s mainly man-to-man coverage.
The five of us are able to keep our eyes on the quarterback and the running back, while at the same time forcing them to have to throw perfectly into tight coverage.
This is a great play for interceptions, and I do my best to block out what occurred between Sully and me.
But I take a breath.
Only one breath as the ball is put in play.
As mentioned earlier, those hundredths of a second, I now put myself at a disadvantage.
Instead of being on top of the ball, I’m a step behind it, and I tip it.
In slow motion, I see the ball fly over my head, and I don’t know how he does it, because that ball looks out of reach, but Dylan, our left side safety, reaches up and one hand catches it.
He turns and sprints for our end zone. I follow, ecstatic for the pick six, but I know during film I’m going to get my ass chewed.
My heart sinks, while at the same time knowing I need to celebrate the six.
He shouldn’t have rattled me. As a senior player, he should know this. I also know I’m going to be expected to do the new sideline dance, so I pivot to make my way toward my teammates.
Of course, I find myself scanning the sidelines for Alice. I don’t even hate that I do this anymore. It’s just what I do. Like a habit. Turns out, she’s right in front of me, and I almost run into her. Without any kind of recognition, I cut left for Dylan. At the last second, I see her frown.
Was I supposed to do something different there?
Outside of the campaign, we aren’t supposed to have any sort of communication.
It’s prohibited and enforced in Sully’s stupid handbook that he keeps shoving down my throat.
She could lose her position. Although, with the campaign, maybe people would expect us to be friendlier. I don’t know.
I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
Reaching the team, Sully pats me on the back. He knows he’s just as at fault as I am.
At fault.
Behind my eyelids, I see her frown.
Today, all this time, all those years, no matter what happened back then, I’m starting to feel like maybe I’m the villain in our story and not the victim.