19. Alice
Alice
Every day this week, I’ve gotten angrier and angrier at Ryder.
For a split second, after the boat ride, I thought maybe we were moving into, I don’t know, maybe a new phase. But after the game on Sunday, apparently not.
When he ignored me after the touchdown, stupidly, I was hurt. It was reminiscent of the Florida versus Clemson game where he taunted me, and I reminded myself we aren’t those people anymore, and I calmed down.
That is until I saw clips online and fans were roasting him, and then roasting us, asking if the Tarpons campaign was even real or if we made it up with AI photos.
My hurt flipped to anger, because they’re not wrong.
He ran into the end zone, pretty much directly in front of me, and other than stopping in time not to run into me, his eyes cut over me once like I could have been anyone, and then he was gone to celebrate with his teammates.
One hundred percent, he pretended he didn’t know me, and I don’t understand why.
Seriously, what is his problem?
Did he not have a good time last week on the boat? Have I done something to be any sort of a complication to his life this season? Is this the kind of person he truly is? Is he just a dick, and I never knew it?
I hate that I’m already anticipating the gala this weekend being full of tension and awkwardness. I genuinely wanted to go with him and have a good time.
Maybe I should reach out first to try to figure out exactly what happened. Then again, why? We’re not friends.
Pushing through the doors to the practice facility, I climb under the bleachers and head toward the general area where I set my bag last night at practice.
I couldn’t find my AirPods, and the locator on my phone said they were still here in the building.
Sure enough, right on the ground is the tiny white case.
Bending down, I swipe them up and shove them into my cross-body bag and begin making my way out.
It’s stupid that I feel slighted.
It’s stupid that I let it hurt so bad.
My therapist once said a quote to me, and I think about it often. Especially when it comes to him. “Anger is an emotion we inflict upon ourselves based on someone else’s actions.”
This feeling, I have no one to blame but myself.
“Bro, it’s time. What’s going on with you and Alice?”
Hearing my name, I freeze and then jump back to duck down under the high risers. Peeking through them, I see the field is empty except for Ryder, who is shirtless and drenched in sweat, and Sully, who stands with his hands on his hips. He had to have walked in behind me. I didn’t see him, though.
Oh no. I shouldn’t be here. If they’re about to have some conversation, I should not be listening to it. And what if I get caught? That would be humiliating.
“What do you mean?” Ryder asks as he bends over and rests his hands on his knees. He’s panting hard, like he’s been sprinting, and the sweat literally drips off him.
Sully gives him a look that leaves no room for interpretation. It says, “Cut the shit and spill it.” Ryder lets out a deep sigh, remains silent, and hangs his head.
Sully crosses his arms over his chest. “Fine, we can do this your way. Why are you in here running sprints after an already long meeting day?”
“Because I should have caught that ball.” He throws his hand up into the air. “It should have been my pick six, and you know it.”
Is that why he ignored me? I saw him tip the ball, but I thought he did a good thing so Dylan could catch it. I didn’t realize the play called for him to catch it and he messed up.
“Well, I’m not going to disagree with you there, but stop punishing yourself. We all make mistakes. It turned out all right. That’s why we play on a team.”
“Still,” he pants, “should’ve been mine, and after my conversation with Coach Williams, I can tell you with complete certainty he doesn’t agree with you.”
There’s a long pause.
“As your captain, I appreciate the extra work you’re putting in, but this week is meant for recovery.
No one else is here for a reason.” Sully steers him toward the water coolers, and I slip back a little more to make sure I’m not seen.
Sully’s head tilts a little like he might have heard me, or maybe even seen me through the slats, but decides to keep pushing.
“Now, back to Alice.”
Ryder lets out a noise that tells us he objects after chugging some water, but then heads for the bleachers to sit down.
My heart rate picks up, and I slowly duck down even more, making myself as small as a tiny ball, hoping they don’t see me between the gaps.
He flops down. He’s close, maybe five feet from me, and I’m doing my best not to even breathe. “Nothing is going on with her. Don’t worry, I haven’t broken any rules in the handbook.”
The handbook. Am I breaking them now by ogling his back? Tan skin, broad shoulders, and huge trapezius muscles. Slide south, and the waistband of his underwear is exposed, hugging him perfectly, and my stomach clenches.
Gah! I will not think about Ryder in his underwear, no matter how good he looks.
“I did hear you at the game. We won’t talk about the handbook tonight, and you know that’s not what I mean.
After what you said, you were straight cold to her after D’s pick, and you should know by now that cameras are always there.
Everyone on the big screen saw it, and I want to know why?
Why didn’t you even acknowledge her in the slightest? ”
Yes, why? Why are you so hot and cold with me?
“Oh, I am well aware of unfortunate cameras,” he deadpans. “That is the story of my life.”
Huh? I wonder what that means.
“And . . .” Sully says, trying to draw out what clearly Ryder doesn’t want to say.
Around us, a pin could drop. I freeze as not to draw attention to myself. I don’t even blink.
I should leave. I shouldn’t be eavesdropping on their conversation, but I really want to hear what Ryder has to say.
I’m never going to ask him why he left me as he did, and he’s never going to tell me.
It’s going to remain the large elephant in the room, and if I can get the tiniest bit of insight into what happened, I’ll sit here for hours. No, I’ll sit here for days.
Ryder leans back on the bench and sprawls his long legs out.
“It’s complicated.”
“Clearly. But why?” he asks, leaning back as well.
“Alice.” He shakes his head as he thinks about what to say. “She was my first love.”
I know he loved me, but is he saying what I think he’s saying? My heart starts to race.
“So, we’ve all had a first love. But most of us wouldn’t go on lockdown if they entered the same room with them.”
“You don’t understand.” He now sounds completely defeated. “For me, it wasn’t just first love. It was the forever kind of love.”
Instantly, the largest knot I’ve ever had forms in my throat. I feel like it’s cutting off my airway and my eyes start burning.
He said the forever kind of love, but he didn’t love me for forever. He left me. Completely alone.
“Damn, what happened?”
“It wasn’t reciprocated.”
I almost choke and end up sitting on the ground. Neither of them sees the movement between the slats.
How could he think that? It was reciprocated! Very much so.
“She told you that?”
“Pretty much. For years, I loved this girl and was afraid to shoot my shot in fear of ruining the friendship. Our friendship meant the world to me.” He glances over at Sully.
“She was my best friend for seven years. All of middle and high school. Every day we were together, even on the weekends. She was there through everything: puberty, my parents’ divorce, my offer from Clemson, and even that time I ended up in the hospital with pneumonia.
Well, the day came when I finally got up the courage to tell her.
We were both heading off to different colleges, and I was certain we were going to ride off into the sunset together.
At graduation, I decided it was now or never, and now was the perfect time.
I tried to kiss her, and she pushed me away and told me no.
Actually, she told me no twice. The horrified look on her face said it all. ”
How did he think I looked horrified? Shocked? Yes. But not in a bad way. Just in a way where I needed a pause. This makes my entire being ache with sadness.
Sully doesn’t say anything. I wish I could see his face too, but I’m too busy holding my hand over my mouth to keep from making a sound. I’m sucked back into that last day, trying to see things from his perspective.
“And then, to top it all off, there were two videos taken. The worst was the jumbotron that displayed the faculty speakers and the students walking across the stage while everyone was celebrating; apparently, it decided to pan in on us at that exact moment, and the whole world saw her reject me. People recorded it. Younger classmates from my team, people I don’t even know, and for weeks they sent it to me and laughed.
There were memes made. It became a running joke on my new team.
Over and over, I was reminded of the most embarrassing, hurtful moment of my life. ”
Of course, I saw the jumbotron video. It was sent to me, but only a couple of times that first day.
I didn’t realize people were that invested, or that we were made into a joke at his expense.
But he said two videos. This makes me think of the random guy from behind us.
Did Ryder know he was going to kiss me and set that up to record our first kiss?
I thought he dropped his phone, and that guy picked it up and handed it back to him, but maybe I’m wrong about that, too.
“What happened between the two of you after that?”
“Nothing. I went straight home, and my mom found me completely wrecked. She did what moms do, and she got us the hell out of Tampa, where I could hide out alone. She booked us a rental house on Sullivan’s Island, outside of Charleston.
I cried for a solid week. I only had that one week too.
I was to report to Clemson that following Monday.
Most of my stuff had already been packed, so it wasn’t hard for us to leave quickly.
My mom and I walked the beach, she cooked all my favorite meals, and we talked about how she got over my dad when he walked out on her.
She said the best thing that she ever did for herself was to cut him and everything about him or related to him off cold turkey.
That while this was going to hurt badly for a while, eventually it would dull without my emotions being dragged through the mud or yo-yoing. ”
“Seems kind of harsh,” he says.
Yes! That is harsh, but what I’m stuck on is that he cried. A lot. Over me, while I was at home crying over him. In all the years I’ve known Ryder, I’ve only seen him cry twice: when he told me about the divorce and when he got the offer to his dream school.
“Maybe. But the only person I had left was my mom. It was easier to do as she suggested. Besides, I had one week to pull my shit together and then walk into that football camp like I was the most excited person in the world. No one wants some poor, brokenhearted schmuck, and I knew that I could never just be her friend. I was past that. There was no in-between and no going back. For me, it was all or nothing, so cold turkey it was.”
Cold turkey. I just . . . can’t.
“I guess I don’t understand why you never talked to her.”
“I just didn’t. That week flew by, and I barely got through it. Then I was submerged into camp with my new team. Besides, I needed to move on. I had to. It is what it is. Water under the bridge at this point.”
I don’t even know what to think right now. I’m gutted. All or nothing. My heart is pounding in my chest. It feels like it’s been broken all over again, and I’m silently crying.
“But what about now?”
“What about it?”
“I’ve seen you guys together. Obviously, you don’t have what you once did, but there’s something there. Tell me why were you cold to her on Sunday?”
“You want to know what happened on Sunday?” He turns to face Sully.
“You pissed me off. You brought her up at the wrong fucking time, and I was off my game. I took a breath, a single breath, and that entire play didn’t unfold as it should have.
That single breath, that’s another point six seconds, that’s what the jumbotron saw post-play.
I had already looked for her. I’m always looking for her.
I found her, laid eyes on her to make sure she was okay when I know there’s nothing that’s going to happen to her, and then I fell into myself about the missed play that should have been mine.
The play, the handbook, the fraternization you keep shoving down my throat, the campaign, her feelings, my feelings, the play .
. . it was all cycling through my brain when the only thing at that moment I should have been thinking about was my job. The play.”
“I’m sorry about the timing.”
“Yeah, well, there’s nothing we can do about it now except get me faster.”
Sully clamps his hand on Ryder’s shoulder.
“What are you going to do about Alice?”
“I’m not going to do anything. Finish this campaign and leave her alone. That’s what she wants.”
Is that what I want? I don’t know anymore. Right now, I’m stunned by his words and his take on what he thinks happened that day versus what happened to me.
“But what do you want?” Sully stands, and Ryder follows.
“It doesn’t matter. It never did.”
“I’m not so sure about that.”
I’m too numb to move as the two of them round the edge of the bleachers to leave. Tears are dripping down my face, and there’s not much I can do to stop them. There’s much to unpack in what I just heard.
Ryder walks by me. He never sees me, but Sully does. I’m still in a ball, my knees pulled up to my chest, and I feel undone. He pins me with a pointed look that makes me think he knew I was here all along, nods his head, and then follows Ryder out.