Chapter 36
Now eat your bloody sandwich
Clara
“Well, there’s the makings of a sandwich, love,” said Martha. “But I know you can be a wee bit of a fusspot about how it all goes together. Rafe said you’d prefer if I let you spread the pickle.”
Zach laughed. “Fusspot? More like obsessional.”
I managed a weak smile for them as I took the kitchen stool and sat down. After a few minutes, I realised Zach was still watching me as he made his cup of tea.
“Zach, you don’t have to hover. I’m fine.”
“Can you just eat the sandwich?” he whispered, shooting a furtive look at Martha who was pretending she couldn’t hear us. I could always tell when Zach was stressed. His face would get tight, and he would start rapidly blinking in a nervous tick left over from childhood.
“I’m eating fine,” I told him. “You don’t need to worry about––”
“Rafe said that––”
“Oh my God,” I snapped. “Can you please not keep quoting Rafe all the time? It’s like he’s your new Yoda or something.”
Zach huffed. “It’s not my fault if the man knows what he’s talking about when it comes to you.”
“Yes, Cla-Cla,” put in Ozzie as he ran into the kitchen, kicking the football that technically wasn’t allowed in the house in front of him.
Despite the fact he’d only met Zach two weeks ago, they were already fast friends – and he’d immediately picked up Zach’s nickname for me.
“I mean, if Daddy said that you should eat a cheese and pickle sandwich, then you should really eat it. He can be a bit grumpy if you don’t do what he says. He’s quite bossy.”
I smiled at Ozzie. “You’re right there, your father is bossy.”
“What’s that now?” Rafe’s deep voice sounded from across the kitchen, and I looked up to see him filling the doorway. He was still wearing his long overcoat, as was his habit now. He tended not to take it off until he’d made sure I’d seen him in it. The sneaky bastard.
“Bossy, Daddy,” said Ozzie helpfully. “Super bossy. Sometimes super grumpy if you don’t get your own way.”
Rafe’s eyebrows went up as he strode into the kitchen, scooping Ozzie up for a hug before letting him get back to his football and giving Zach a quick back slap as he walked past to get to me.
Then, as was also becoming his habit, he swept my hair away from my face, over my shoulder and kissed me on my temple.
“There’s nothing wrong with wanting my own way,” he said against my hair in a low voice, and I suppressed a shiver.
I felt that voice everywhere, from the ends of my hair right down through to the pit of my stomach.
Memories flooded back of how very bossy Rafe could be and how very much he did want his own way, leaving me lightheaded.
But then the fog of anxiety settled over me again and those feelings disappeared like smoke.
“Eat your sandwich, darling,” he said close to my ear in that same low voice.
A direct command from Rafe seemed to be almost impossible to resist. When I started slicing the cheese, he gave me a brief side hug as a reward before moving back.
Rafe wasn’t pushing things with me. It was all light kisses and side hugs and unending patience. As big and abrasive as Rafe could be, the mind-bending gentleness and patience he demonstrated with me were so unbelievably attractive I almost couldn’t breathe.
“You’ll feel better once you eat,” he said.
I knew he was right. I’d been losing weight that I really couldn’t afford to lose again. But as Zach put a cup of tea in front of me, my stomach was churning. In order for my appetite to return, I needed to feel safe and, unfortunately, that was still not the case.
Logically, I knew that Rafe’s house was a safe place, but I still had trouble convincing my mind and body of that.
To be honest, it was nearly impossible to adjust to the new reality.
None of my father’s network were free men.
The only ones with even the prospect of freedom were Skinny Pete and Ruben as they’d agreed to testify against the family.
The three of us were all snitches now. The irony of Skinny Pete’s threats a few weeks ago was not lost on me.
If my father were ever released, he would be well into his eighties.
It was impossible for me to reconcile this new reality where everything that had terrified me since childhood had simply been removed.
Even if my father hadn’t been immediately detained that day, there wasn’t much chance of him being a threat to me, seeing as he had a broken wrist, a number of fractured ribs and some facial fractures.
It wasn’t clear how he had obtained these injuries either. The explanation so far was that he’d “resisted arrest”.
I knew exactly how painful a broken wrist and fractured ribs were.
Exactly.
I blinked down at my plate. That was true, wasn’t it?
I did know exactly what it was like to break ribs and a wrist and recover from a blow to the head.
I looked up slowly to lock eyes with Rafe who tilted his head to the side.
I glanced at Zach, but he was busy kicking the football back and forth with Ozzie, something definitely not allowed in the house, but something which Martha seemed to be turning a blind eye to.
“Were you there when Dad was arrested?” I asked Rafe.
He gave me one of those careful, assessing looks. A look that told me that he was weighing what he said next with his typical precision.
“I’m not going to answer that, Clara,” he said in a measured tone.
I felt a shiver of fear run down my spine but, as if he knew, Rafe’s large hand covered my lower back and rubbed a circle gently there.
“I’m not ever going to tolerate you being hurt, darling.
Do you understand me? It’s a message I’m willing to deliver in whichever way is most effective. ”
“I am arrived!” trilled Poppy from the door to the kitchen, distracting me from my racing thoughts about Rafe sending messages on my behalf. The flash of something in his eyes when he said that was not the cool, urbane aristocrat persona I knew. Not even close.
“About bloody time,” Rafe grumbled. “We’re cutting it fine as it is, Pops.”
“Oh shut your grumpy cake hole, you big oaf,” she said, dismissing him with a wave of her hand.
She skipped over to where Ozzie was dribbling the ball to kiss his head.
Not an easy task seeing as he wouldn’t keep still.
She smiled a big smile at Zach, who proceeded to blush then miss Ozzie’s pass, causing the ball to crash into the kitchen cupboards for what must have been the hundredth time.
“You’ve still got plenty of time,” Poppy told Rafe as she gave his cheeks a couple of smacks before going up on her tiptoes to give him a kiss on the cheek.
“And anyway, Clara’s got to eat her sandwich before you go.
” She gave me a big, loud kiss on the cheek and then repositioned my glasses when they went askew.
I sighed. Everyone was so obsessed with me eating.
Annoying as it was, I had to admit that I actually did feel better, not that I had drunk any tea or eaten any of my sandwich yet.
No, it was the Poppy effect. I’d noticed that about her.
She had this way of lightening the atmosphere.
It was almost uncanny, as if she could control the mood in any room.
I smiled a small smile at her and looked at Rafe again.
“What are you going to be late for?” I asked.
“We’re going to Zach’s sixth form open evening,” he returned.
“Oh bugger. I’m so sorry, Zach,” I said in a horrified tone.
“I completely forgot.” This numbness that had settled over me was making me forget everything important.
The swelling on my face had gone down but the bruising was still evident, as were the headaches and brain fog from the concussion.
That combined with the pervasive fear I couldn’t seem to shake was making me sluggish, as if I was only ever half there.
“Cla-Cla, I’m not a baby anymore,” Zach told me. “You don’t have to remind me about everything. You guys don’t even have to come with me. I can navigate a stupid open evening on my own.”
“Of course I’m going to come with you, love,” I said, trying to stop my voice from shaking. This would be the first time leaving the house since I came home from the hospital. The thought made me feel a little ill.
But I knew Zach would hate to go on his own.
He had been really worried about his A-level choices, and he absolutely hated interacting with any figures of authority.
Zach was so shy that he tended to go into himself and mumble.
It was frustrating as I knew he’d struggle with interviews if he carried on like this.
But facing sixth form open evening alone, talking to the teachers about which subjects he should take without any backup was well out of Zach’s comfort zone.
“We’d better get a move on, though,” I said. “The school must be a couple of bus rides away from here.” I pushed back my sandwich, about to stand from my stool, but Rafe blocked my way.
“Eat your fucking sandwich,” he said sharply, his patience slipping.
“Daddy!” Ozzie shouted. “Miss Clara will put you on the thunder cloud for bad words!”
“Sorry, mate,” Rafe said, keeping his gaze fixed on me.
“And use your indoor voice with her,” Ozzie continued to boss, and I found myself suppressing a smile.
Rafe looked briefly up at the ceiling before focusing back on me. “Noted,” he threw back to his son. “Eat your sandwich, Clara. Please.”
“That’s better, Daddy.”
“We’ve got plenty of time. Dave will take us. I’m not getting on a bus, Clara. I haven’t used public transport since… Christ, Poppy, have we ever used public transport?”
“I don’t think so, Rafey,” Poppy said as she leaned up on tiptoes to grab the biscuit tin off the top shelf. “Can’t say I’ve ever been tempted. The tube at rush hour maybe, as it’s hellish traffic crossing Piccadilly at that time, but otherwise no.”
“B-but you’re not coming with us,” I whispered.
“Why the hell not?” Rafe said.
I threw my hands up in confusion. “Because it’s a sixth form open evening. Why would you come? Zach’s not your––”
“Goddamn it, Clara,” Rafe snapped, and I flinched.
He closed his eyes slowly and clenched his jaw, taking a deep breath in through his mouth and out through his nose.
When he spoke again, he deliberately softened his tone.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to snap at you.
But will you please stop saying what you and Zach are not. You are living here––”
“For now,” I interrupted. “We’re living here for now.”
His jaw clenched again and a flash of frustration crossed his face. When he spoke again, it was clear he was trying to still be gentle, but it was through gritted teeth.
“You are living here now. And I like Zach. I’m coming to his open evening. I’ve already researched A-level options.”
I blinked at him. “You’ve what?”
“His A-level options, Clara,” he said in a patient tone. “You know he doesn’t have to be restricted to only the sciences just because he wants to study veterinary medicine. He could still take English literature. It’s not completely out of the question. I mean, there are lots of unis that––”
“You’ve researched Zach’s A-level options?” I asked in shock.
It was clear at this point that Rafe had had enough. He closed the distance between us to spin me on my stool to face him, his hands landing on either side of the arms of my stool, boxing me in.
“Pops,” he called, keeping eye contact with me. “Take Ozzie into the sitting room to start his reading. Zach, get your stuff together, mate, and meet us by the door, yeah? Martha, thank you for tonight, but you can go.”
As was the way when Rafe issued a command, everyone did his bidding until it was just the two of us.
“Clara,” he said softly, leaning closer now.
So close I could smell his expensive aftershave and the clean, manly scent of pure Rafe.
So close I could see the flecks of green in his blue eyes.
“I’m going slowly. I’ll go at your pace for as long as it takes.
I’m not going to push you, baby. But when it comes to Zach, you have got to let me help.
It’s too important for him to choose the right options at this stage.
I can’t let you stand in the way of that.
I know you’re not sure of me, and you’ve damn good reason to doubt me.
I completely understand your reticence. But his future has to be decided now, and I’m here to help.
You and Zach are going to be in my life.
I know you don’t believe that. I know it’s going to take time for you to accept that.
But you have to get with the programme today. Because, baby, this is happening now.”
“O-okay,” I whispered, still in shock from his calling me baby. Twice.
He huffed out a sigh of relief and then reached up to my face very slowly. When I managed to not flinch, he smiled, his teeth white against his tanned skin and stubble.
“Okay,” he whispered back before brushing his lips against mine in the barest hint of a kiss. Before I could react to that shocking development, he pulled back and looked down at me with a satisfied expression. “Now eat your bloody sandwich.”