Chapter 21
twenty-one
BONNIE
Christmas music was playing in my aunt Maggie’s kitchen as folks filtered in and out.
We’d always celebrated Christmas Eve a little loosely.
When I was a kid, there’d been a movie on repeat in the den—usually A Christmas Story—while we’d taken turns decorating gingerbread houses at the kitchen table with my mom.
As Will, Mac, Larry, and I had grown older, the movie had changed—usually Elf or The Nightmare Before Christmas.
Now it was Die Hard, and we still decorated gingerbread houses. There was even a contest, and we voted on whose was the best. The winner got to smash the others, and we all took pieces home with us in giant Ziploc bags at the end of the night.
Extended family in ugly Christmas sweaters mingled in the kitchen, den, living room, and dining room, where everything was decorated to within an inch of its life with pine boughs and holly berries. There were various snacks and punch and a ridiculous amount of sweets scattered throughout.
I’d always loved spending this time with my loved ones. My favorite holiday, like I’d told Jack.
Last Christmas Eve had been difficult, though. Danny and I had been fighting, the news of his cheating fairly recent. But I’d been pretending everything was fine, putting on a show, while he’d hidden on the back porch in the cold, avoiding everyone.
This year, I was missing Jack, wishing he could be here with me. But I wasn’t letting it ruin one of the most special times of the year.
Currently, I was decorating Maggie’s kitchen tree.
She had a total of six trees in the house.
Earlier in the day, she, Becca, and I had made cinnamon ornaments.
They were finally dry and cooled and smelled amazing.
Becca and Mac were tying on the ribbon to make hanging loops, and I was placing them on the tree.
I admired each festive shape—the bells and angels, reindeer and snowmen.
“I can’t believe I never knew you could mix cinnamon, applesauce, and glue together to make ornaments,” Becca said in wonder, and she cut another length of ribbon.
She was wearing a headband with light-up antlers and a maroon Star Wars holiday sweater with Rey and Kylo Ren.
Carl, the dog, had his head resting on Becca’s thigh while she worked.
“We’ll teach you all our ways,” Mac said with a grin and a jangle. Her own ugly Christmas sweater had bells sewn on it, and she rang a little each time she moved.
“Except for Maggie’s recipe for peppermint bark,” I amended with a grin. “No one gets that.”
“Oh.” Becca frowned. “I helped her make some yesterday. Was that supposed to be a secret?”
“What?” Mac’s mouth dropped open. “I have been asking Aunt Maggie for that recipe for years. She said she was taking it with her to heaven with her cast iron and her Aqua Net.”
Becca and I laughed.
“She’s fucking with you, Mac,” Will said as he strolled over to where we were working. My big, grumpy cousin dropped a homemade butter mint into Becca’s waiting mouth before pressing a kiss to her forehead, deftly avoiding the light-up antlers.
She grinned mischievously.
“Becca,” Mac scolded. Then she grinned back. “That was devious. I’m impressed.”
“Thank you,” she said happily.
Mac stood after affixing the final length of ribbon to the ornament in her hand. She passed it to me with a questioning look in her gaze. I could tell my sister wanted to check on me, find out if I was okay. But after our talk a few days ago, I think she finally understood.
Maybe she’d spread the word to everyone to leave me alone about Jack, because I hadn’t heard a word from my family, wondering how things were going or if the quiet bartender would be joining us.
Maybe they knew things had ended, or they were just being polite.
Either way, I was glad I didn’t have to talk about it and could just focus on relaxing this evening.
Instead of the question I could practically see waiting on the tip of Mac’s tongue, she asked instead, “Want me to grab you a peanut butter ball?”
Grateful, I smiled. “Yes, before Larry eats them all.”
Our cousin was around here somewhere with Corie. The two were still dating and seemed happier than ever. In fact, Corie was planning on relocating to Kirby Falls in the new year.
It was Brady who delivered several peanut butter balls on a small party plate a moment later.
“Thanks,” I told him.
Mac joined us eventually with a platter full of snacks.
As Becca and I put the finishing touches on the kitchen tree, we heard a knock from the back door. Most of the family in attendance knew to just come on in, so I was a little surprised.
“I’ll grab it,” Becca said before dashing off down the hallway toward the mudroom.
Just when I’d polished off the last bite-sized dessert on my plate, I heard Becca call out happily, “Brady, Lia’s here!”
The peanut butter stuck in my throat, and I nearly choked.
Brady trotted off down the hall as Mac slapped me on the back. “You okay over there?”
But I couldn’t get the words out. Surely that was not the same—
“Well, hi, Lia. Merry Christmas,” Brady said in a booming voice that carried from the back porch. “Hey, Jack!”
My sister’s eyes went wide, and I had to swallow several times in order to breathe.
“Holy shit,” Mac murmured as footsteps sounded down the hallway to our right. “This better be some top-tier groveling. He was a huge idiot. Also, crashing Christmas. I give him bonus points for that.”
“Do you think he’s here for me?”
She gave me a look like I just might be a bigger idiot than the one crashing our family Christmas party. Then she sobered. “If you don’t want to talk to him, I’ll tell him to leave.”
I considered holding on to my anger and righteous indignation. I could very easily hide behind my sister and keep my distance from Jack. But the truth was, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to waste any more time.
“No. It’s fine,” I assured her. “If he wants to talk, I’ll listen.”
Just then, I saw Brady, Becca, and Lia trooping toward us.
“Lia’s in my and Becca’s knitting group down at Weaverly Place,” Brady explained.
I knew Brady knit, and I knew Becca had learned from the ladies down at the yarn shop, but I didn’t realize they were acquainted with Jack’s grandmother.
On tentative feet, I moved forward to welcome our guest. Brady passed me with a little wink. And Becca mouthed, Oh my God, and squeezed my arm.
Then Lia came right up to me and kissed my cheek. “I brought you some okra. Merry Christmas.”
Confused, I returned her hug. And sure enough, when I pulled back, the older woman had a covered dish in her hand that smelled like deep-fried heaven. “Thank you. I look forward to having some. Make yourself at home. I’m so glad to see you.”
“I left your other present outside,” she said. “But it’s up to you if you want to return it or not. I wouldn’t blame you.”
My stomach gave a nervous clench at the implication.
Jack was here for me. I could only imagine what sort of courage that took.
He was a pretty self-contained, isolated guy.
Not terribly social, especially not with people he didn’t know.
This was Christmas Eve with my family, and there were probably twenty cars parked outside in the field.
Whatever he needed to say, it must be important.
My hopes started a slow and steady rise to the surface.
But like I’d told Mac, I couldn’t make this decision for him.
I wouldn’t fight this fight alone. Not anymore.
Relationships went both ways. Not one person stitching things together, mending holes and seams just to keep everything from falling apart.
I loved Jack. I wanted to tell him that. I wanted a future with him, too. But if he still thought I was better off with Danny, then there wasn’t much I could do about that.
After a few seconds, I realized Jack wasn’t planning on trailing the others. So I made my way toward the back door and pulled my jacket off the coatrack as I went.
He had his hand raised to knock when I opened the door. Surprise flashed on his face, light from the hallway behind me illuminating wide hazel eyes and jaw scruff that was just shy of being a beard. He wore his favorite black leather jacket that I knew felt butter-soft beneath my fingertips.
“Hi,” I breathed.
“Hey,” he replied softly. “I was hoping we could talk.”
So I nodded and stepped out into the cold air and shut the door behind me.
I led Jack over to a pair of rocking chairs on the edge of the porch.
The night was clear and the moon was bright.
Out here, away from the city lights, the stars sparkled, shimmering within a velvet black backdrop.
You could see across the barren cornfields all the way to the tree line in the distance.
Beyond that, mountains rose from the earth, cocooning our small valley like dark sentinels.
“I’m sorry for just showing up here like this.
I know how important this time is with your family.
But I just—” He paused and reached for my hand.
“I just couldn’t wait. I remembered what you said about Christmas Eve.
The magic. The possibility. And I realized I wanted that .
. . with you. If there was a chance I could fix what I’d broken, I thought tonight might be my best bet. ”
I smiled down at our clasped hands, barely noticing the chill in the air. My heart was beating wildly, and I could feel it too—the magic, the possibility, the hope of it all.
Jack squeezed my fingers, drawing my attention back to him. He watched me carefully, like I might leave at any moment, like I might not be willing to hear him out.
“I’m sorry for the things I said the last time we spoke, Bonnie. I tried to push you away. Did my best to hurt you so that I wouldn’t disappoint you in the long run. And I fucking hate that I keep having to apologize. That I even need to say I’m sorry in the first place.”
“I wouldn’t say two times is a lot, Jack.”