Thirty-Three
Carter
11 years old
“W hat happened isn’t your fault,” he said, tears falling from his face.
I’d never seen my father cry before.
Now he was crying every day.
“It was,” I said, sucking in a breath of air. “It was my fault. I should have known where that key was. I thought it was in my pocket. I didn’t know I left it on the dresser when I was changing. I should have put it back in my pocket.”
“She would have found a way into that cabinet regardless.”
“Why did she want to leave us?” I fought the tears with everything inside of me. I hadn’t cried, not once, since I found her dead on the floor, cold and pale. Everyone thought I was all wrong for not crying, but they didn’t know I wanted to hide my pain. If I let it show, her death would be real.
I was so busy pretending, I didn’t realize I’d been building a wall around my heart the entire time.
Dad was doing the opposite. He was angry a lot. He drank a lot. And he was getting frustrated that I’d blocked him out.
I wanted to be alone all the time.
Wanted nothing to do with him or the world that reminded me she’d once lived in it.
“We’ll figure this out—”
“I don’t want to figure anything out!” I shrieked at him.
I pushed him away every day.
I fought with him over everything.
I blamed him.
I hated him.
I was finding a reason to keep the people I loved at arm’s length, so they didn’t hurt me again.
I ignored his pain. I didn’t care he was hurting too.
I didn’t care when we started to lose everything around us.
Not caring made the pain go away.
*
I heard quiet footsteps.
Small ones at first, as though the person was tiptoeing.
I didn’t want to open my eyes to see who it was. It would likely be the nurse, and I didn’t want to talk. I wanted to pretend I was sleeping. I’d spent all night in a daze. My soul felt fractured. I kept asking myself the same question over and over again.
Why did I get to live?
They were pulling bodies out of the water, and so far, there were only four other survivors.
None of them Julie.
I wouldn’t know what to do if she died. It wouldn’t seem fair that the one person who helped me out of that plane hadn’t surfaced from the water.
I should have died.
Someone like me shouldn’t have been spared. I didn’t deserve a second chance.
A hand suddenly touched mine lightly. My breath thinned at the softness of her touch.
It felt…intimate.
“Carter.”
My heart damn near stopped.
Leah.
“I’m sorry,” she cried, her hand gripping mine now. “I should have been there for you. I shouldn’t have cut you out. I’m sorry. I love you so much, and I tried so hard to bury it away. To stop myself from hurting. I’m sorry.”
I opened my eyes. The light hit me hard, and I winced, closing them for a moment before trying again. When my vision adjusted, I saw her tear-streaked face.
Beautiful.
Always so beautiful.
Always fate was tempting me with what I couldn’t have, and I didn’t need it right now. Not after all that happened.
I should have been elated to see her, but I wasn’t. I didn’t need any more heartache.
I shut my eyes again. “Don’t,” I muttered out vacantly.
“Don’t what, Carter?”
“It’s been eighteen months since I’ve seen you, Leah. Don’t be coming to me just because of what happened, alright? I can’t…” I can’t stand to lose you again.
I felt her grip tighten around my hand as she moved closer to me. I could smell her, feel her breaths against my face as she whispered, “I’m here because I love you. Because you told me I would be living in regret. And I see that now. I’m tired of fighting my feelings. Tired of staying still. I want to move forward with my best friend, and I don’t want to be scared anymore. Like you said in your letter, you love me, and time apart is time wasted.”
It was like someone had poured kerosene inside my veins and set that shit on fire. My blood burned from her words, and I opened my eyes again, staring into her deep brown eyes. More tears fell out, and her bottom lip trembled.
Eighteen months, gone.
Before that, over three years, gone.
And yet… it was like I’d never been away from her.
Shit like that defied logic, didn’t it? It didn’t make sense. But life was a big fat pile of nonsensical bullshit, and I was tired of it.
“Come here,” I quietly said.
Her eyes widened, and she spared no time crawling into the bed next to me. I wrapped my unbroken arm around her and pulled her against my side. She nestled her head between my neck and shoulder, breathing me in, crying into my neck as she gripped my shitty little hospital gown in the palm of her hand.
“I’m sorry,” she cried. “I was so scared.”
“I’m okay.”
“But I didn’t know that. I’m so angry with myself. For wasting so much time.”
“Then don’t waste any more of it.”
“I was so scared. I can’t lose you. I can’t lose you, never again.”
I looked down at her. “Then be with me.”
Her face turned up to me. “Do you think we can do it? Be together after everything?”
“I think we deserve the chance to try.”
I kissed her forehead, but she moved her face up more and planted her wet lips against mine. Her breaths were ragged against my mouth, and she stayed like that for a long time, staring at me.
She finally got it.
She realized what was in front of her like I realized what was in front of me.
“Glad to know my near death woke you up,” I muttered to her, my lips flinching up. “If I’d known that, I might have tried killing myself a long time ago.”
She didn’t smile, and more tears fell. “We’ll make this work.”
“Yeah.”
“I’m never going to leave you, no matter what.”
“Yeah.”
She kissed me again and buried her face in my chest. She soaked me with her tears as I stroked her back. My eyes hurt and my heart ached. I was still in a state of disbelief. Her arrival was so abrupt and unexpected, and I was in limbo with my emotions since the crash.
I was practically numb.
Minutes and minutes passed, and slowly her sniffs died off and she stopped crying hard. I stared up at the muted television, watching the news go through the events of the plane crash.
Then, all at once, it happened.
A list of the survivors appeared on-screen, and among them… Julie.
My body let go. I sagged into the bed and squeezed Leah to me.
Tears fell from my eyes, and I sobbed.
Everything’s going to be okay.
So why did I still hurt so much?