Chapter 24
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
CLOVER
Clover
I heard what happened. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I hope you’re doing okay. Just wanted to let you know I’m thinking about you.
Please let me know if you’re okay. I hate the silent treatment.
Please. This is killing me.
You can stay mad at me, but please let me know if you’re okay.
Sir
I’m okay.
I t’s been almost two weeks since I last saw Donnie. In that time, I’ve been reassigned to a new advisor and have been pulled off the grant Donnie was awarded. I’m still assisting with his class. Since it’s nearing the end of the semester, it made little sense to replace me with someone else.
Thankfully, my proposal and dissertation topic don’t have to change. I’m not starting from scratch. Dr. Carver and Dr. Leonard—my new advisor—agreed to let me continue with my work. Donnie will be included on any publications I write, but he won’t be on my committee or connected to my graduate program.
I knew this is what would happen, but it hurts all the same.
Donnie and I worked well together, and I enjoyed discussing my ideas with him.
Dr. Leonard is a nice man. He’s old enough to be my father and a little stiff, but he’s very knowledgeable. Our discussions are often one-sided, though. He enjoys hearing himself talk. Despite that, he likes my ideas and supports my efforts.
In the end, I will earn my PhD and Maggie gets what she wanted. She got me out of the way and has Donnie all to herself. At least until he finds a new student to replace me.
I’m sitting at my desk, trying to focus on my writing, but it isn’t working, when a message dings on my phone. My heart rate kicks up several notches when I see who it’s from.
Sir
Can you come to my office?
Clover
Sure, I’ll be right down.
After closing down my computer, I stand and press my hand on my stomach. It does nothing to settle the swarm of nerves fluttering around. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath.
Just get this over with. You’ll be fine.
I’ve been waiting for days to see him again, and now that it’s here, I’m a wreck. I’ve wanted to be there for him during this time of need, but I didn’t know how or if he’d even want to see me.
His lack of response to my messages has left me uneasy. I can’t imagine what it must be like losing a close friend like that, so I’m trying to give him space. If I lost Sloan, I don’t know how I’d react.
I take a deep breath and hope for the best. I’ve no clue what to expect when I see him. For all I know, he’s calling me down to tell me it’s over.
I’m not ready for it to be over.
Unfortunately, it may not matter what I want.
I take my time heading downstairs. When I reach his office, I knock on his door. He’s not at his desk. Instead, he’s standing in front of his bookcase, staring at the shelf.
“Dr. Rosi,” I say when he doesn’t respond to my knock. He turns to face me and blinks several times like he wasn’t expecting to see me. “You asked me to come down?”
He nods. “Yeah, please come in.”
I step inside and shut the door behind me. I don’t know what he wants to talk about, but I’m guessing it won’t be for other’s ears.
He stares at me for a moment like he’s happy to see me, but then he sighs and shakes his head. He mumbles something under his breath, but I can’t make out what it is.
The dark circles under his eyes suggest he hasn’t slept in days. His hair is disheveled as if he forgot to comb it. I want to run to him, hold him, kiss him, but I don’t. I’m not sure he wants those things from me anymore.
“I’m really sorry for your loss,” I say because I can’t stand the silence and don’t know what else to say.
“Thanks. He was a good guy. Didn’t deserve to die like that.”
“How did it happen?” I cringe. That may not have been a good question to start with. “If you don’t mind me asking.”
“He was a firefighter. Worked with my younger brother, Demetrius. That’s how we met Dylan. Dem is taking it hard. Blaming himself since he wasn’t there to help.”
I take a few steps toward him until I’m close enough to touch him. He doesn’t back away. If anything, he leans into me.
“I’m so sorry for everything. Truly.” Tears fill my eyes as I see his pain written all over his face. I’m not sure if that pain is for the loss of his friend or because of my past. Maybe a little of both.
I risk lifting my hand and resting it on his arm. He steps closer. It’s enough to cause me to cave and pull him into my arms. I wrap my arms around his neck and breathe in his masculine scent.
His arms remain limp at his side for several seconds before he wraps them around me and hugs me close. The level of relief that washes over me is almost too much for my body to take. I melt into him, and he hugs me tighter.
I’ve no clue how long we stand like that before he loosens his hold. All I know is I’m not ready to let go.
“Please,” I whisper. “Don’t let go.”
“Clover, I …” he takes a deep breath, and I feel his hands clench behind me. “I’m not sure if I can do this.”
I nod without lifting my head out of the crook of his neck. If I look at him right now, I’m afraid I’ll break.
“I never meant to hurt you or betray you.”
“I know, but it still happened.”
“Will you ever forgive me?”
He lifts my face and brushes my hair behind my ear. “I think it’s myself I need to learn to forgive. I’m afraid that might take some time.”
I furrow my brow. “I don’t understand.”
“This is just as much my fault as it is yours. I willingly took part in this with you, and you were not obligated to tell me about the scandal. I wish you had trusted me with it, but I have no right to be mad at you because you chose not to. Despite that, I’m still upset. That is what I need to get over.”
I search his eyes, and I see no signs of anger. Just pain, need, and desire. He still wants me, and that gives me hope.
“I’ll give you all the time you need.”
“Thank you.” He lifts his hand to my cheek and cups my face. He presses his lips to mine. It’s soft and gentle and ends way too soon.
Then he releases me and steps out of my hold. The pain that rushes through is so intense it almost knocks me on my ass. He’s pushing me away and there isn’t a damn thing I can do to stop him.
When I return to the grad student offices, Maggie is sitting at her desk. I close my eyes and try to calm my anxiety. After that meeting with Donnie, she’s the last person I want to talk to.
I haven’t seen her that much these past couple of weeks, either. She’s made herself scarce. Probably because she didn’t know how I’d react toward her, considering everything that’s happened. I took away the leverage she had over me when I talked to Dr. Carver.
I don’t know what conversations Donnie or Dr. Carver have had with her, and I don’t really care. I just want to move on with my life, and I’d prefer it to be without her in it.
But since we have to share office space for the next couple of years, that’s not a reality I’m going to get.
I pause before I reach my desk and turn to face her. “Maggie.”
She stiffens and slowly rotates her chair. “Yes?”
Her voice is timid and there’s a look of fear on her face. It makes me want to laugh, but I hold it back. Laughing at her will only make things worse.
“I didn’t want this. Any of it,” I say. “All I’ve ever wanted was to earn my degree and spend the rest of my life immersed in ancient literature and to pass my love of it onto others. I refuse to compete with you while I work toward that goal.”
“We’re hardly competing,” she says. “It’s impossible to compete with someone when they take all the attention.”
I stare at her, unable to comprehend her expression with her words. She looks sad and hurt and extremely vulnerable. That’s not something I’ve seen in her since I started.
“What are you talking about?”
She sighs and shifts her eyes toward the floor. “You know how hard it is in the arts. We’re not taken seriously and rarely get grants. I worked so hard to prove to Dr. Rosi that I deserved to work on that grant with him. But I wasn’t even considered. Instead, the honor goes to some Harvard transfer. You!” she raises her voice. “Not the girl who’s already proven herself, but you. A girl who couldn’t even handle Harvard. That’s not competition, Clover. That’s being completely overlooked.”
“I didn’t ask for that,” I say calmly. “I didn’t even ask to leave Harvard and come here. I’m not the one who’s been making the decisions for my life, but I am the one responsible for the course it’s taken. I’ve owned up to my mistakes. All of them. And I refuse to live in fear a moment longer. Just let me live my life and you live yours.”
“I just wanted to be your friend,” she whispers. “You acted like you hated me from the moment we met.”
“What?” I stare at her in disbelief. “I didn’t hate you. I didn’t even know you.”
“But you avoided me and refused to work with me every time I asked. You even took a desk as far away from me as you could get.”
“Maggie.” I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. “I’m not gonna lie. You were a little pushy when I first started and that annoyed me, but I was more terrified that you’d see my attraction to Dr. Rosi if we spent too much time together. I met him before I even arrived here. We already had a connection that we couldn’t break. I didn’t want you to see that.”
“Wait?” she wrinkles her nose. “You met him before this?”
I nod. “Yeah. Randomly at some bar. We hit it off really well, but I didn’t know who he was until my first meeting with him. Imagine my shock and horror. Believe me, falling for my professor was the last thing on my to do list.”
Her shoulders sag and she actually shows signs of remorse. “I’m sorry. I did not know.”
“How could you? In many respects, my prior relationship with Dr. Rosi doomed ours before it was even given a chance.”
She nods and looks up at me with a hopeful gaze. “Do you think we can start over? I don’t expect you to be my friend, but we could at least be … friendly?”
I smile. “I’m sure we can figure something out that makes the rest of our programs enjoyable.”
She nods but doesn’t look so sure about that. “If I’m still here.”
“What do you mean?”
“You were transferred to Dr. Leonard, but I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. No one has talked to me yet.”
“Not even Dr. Carver?”
She shakes her head. “He said Dr. Rosi would address me, but then his friend was killed, and he hasn’t been back until today. He still hasn’t requested to meet with me.”
I walk toward her and rest my hand on her shoulder. “I’m sure it’ll be fine. Dr. Rosi can’t afford to lose two students.”
Her eyes fill up with tears, but she doesn’t let them break free. “I hope you’re right.”