CHAPTER THIRTY
Lee finished drying his hair, then lifted his brush to tame it into some semblance of his usual style. He’d also taken a few minutes to trim his beard.
And while doing those things had helped to make him look more put together, there was no denying he still looked haggard. The dark circles under his eyes weren’t something he could hide unless he asked his sisters for some of their makeup.
He didn’t bother with that, though. Rori had already seen his exhaustion the previous day when he’d gone by her apartment. There was no need to hide it.
When he’d gotten the text from her earlier to ask him to come over again, he’d decided he needed to make an effort to pull himself together. And if taking a shower and sprucing himself up helped him to feel fortified for the coming conversation, well, no one else needed to know that.
The house was quiet as he made his way downstairs. Since it was a nice day, everyone had gone to the park once again. Charli had knocked on his door earlier to invite him, but by that point, he’d already gotten the text from Rori.
When he’d told Charli he was meeting up with Rori, Charli hadn’t pressed for them to come to the park too. She probably thought it was a positive thing that they were spending time together.
Bright sunshine greeted Lee as he stepped out of the house, forcing him to don his sunglasses. The day seemed to mock him with its beauty. There was no appreciation for it when he was so weighed down in his soul.
He walked to where his car was parked and slid behind the wheel. His stomach churned as he started the engine, forcing him to sit for a moment to make sure he wasn’t going to be sick.
He’d never been as sick to his stomach as he’d been over the past week. It was like it was his body’s new defense to anything upsetting. He hoped that wasn’t going to continue because he needed to get back to some sense of normalcy, even with the horrific knowledge he now held in his mind.
The drive went by too fast, and yet not fast enough.
He wanted to see Rori again, but he knew that seeing her meant the end of their relationship. The end of something he’d felt fit so perfectly into his life. What wouldn’t end—at least not right away—was the love he had for Rori.
It was the worst thing in the world to feel so hopeless. To know that no matter how he might feel about her, the relationship he wanted with her wasn’t good for Rori.
As he pulled to a stop in front of Rori’s apartment block, Lee shut off the engine, but stayed behind the wheel, watching as the people in the neighborhood went about their lives on a lazy Sunday afternoon.
Adults lingered on porch steps, while children played on the sidewalk or in the compact yards that fronted the small homes on the street. A lot of lower-income families lived in this part of Serenity. Most of the properties were well-kept. However, a few had overgrown yards, with weeds in place of flowers, and paint chipping on the trim of the house.
Rori’s boxy building was slate gray and rather dreary looking, but the yard was well-maintained, and there were hedges filling the spaces between the basement windows. Rori’s windows were visible from where he parked, but he couldn’t see inside the apartment.
He still worried about her being safe. Unfortunately, what had started out as concern for her safety in the neighborhood had grown to encompass concern for her safety from him.
Even though it would be hard to see her regularly, Lee was glad they would continue working together, and he’d see her at church on Sundays. And hopefully, he could still make sure that she was safe.
Until someone else came along to take on that responsibility so she wouldn’t need Lee anymore.
He rubbed his hand against his chest and the pang of hurt in his heart at that thought.
Lee berated himself yet again for not having waited for the information on his past before getting involved with Rori. Though he would have liked to spare himself the hurt, he wished he’d waited for Rori’s sake. He hated that he’d hurt her—and he didn’t doubt he had.
They loved each other, so there was no way out of this mess without experiencing the pain of a broken heart.
With a sigh, Lee pushed open the car door and stepped out into the balmy summer day. The scent of freshly mowed grass hung in the air, and the sounds of children and dogs barking filled the neighborhood.
He shut the door, locked it, then made his way to the entrance to the building. His feet felt like they weighed a thousand pounds, slowing his steps.
Eventually, though, he stood in front of Rori’s door.
He hadn’t even lifted his hand to knock when it swung open, and Rori stood in front of him. His heart stuttered in his chest at the gentle smile she gave him.
“C’mon in,” she said, stepping back as she held onto the door.
Lee wished she wouldn’t smile at him like that because it was a stabbing reminder of what he was losing.
He waited for Rori to close the door, then he followed her to the small table they’d sat at the previous day. Part of him just wanted to rush through this rough part. But since this would probably be the last time they were by themselves, he reined in his impatience. Or at least he tried to.
As he settled into the same seat he’d occupied the day before, Lee noticed there was a notebook on the table, along with two glasses of water and a plate of cookies. Just like there had been the previous day.
While he waited for her to say something, he drank her in.
Her blonde hair lay draped across her shoulders in curls, which wasn’t normal for her since she usually wore it up in a ponytail. She wore a lilac dress with a square neckline and ruffled sleeves, and he recognized the jewelry she wore as the pieces she’d received for her birthday.
“Did you…” Lee cleared his throat, unable to keep from asking. His need to know overwhelmed him. “Did you have a chance to go over the stuff I left here yesterday?”
“Yes, I did.” She gave him a sad smile. “And I watched the program.”
Lee’s heart sank. He had hoped the contents of the envelope would have been enough. “I’m sorry you had to do that.”
“I understand why you didn’t want me to watch it. But I felt like I needed to see it for myself.”
Lee hated the pain he saw on her face. “The envelope didn’t convince you?”
“No. And neither did the program.”
“What?” Lee stared at her, uncertain what more he could say to get her to understand.
Rori stared at him, her blue gaze intent. “You’re a Christian, right?”
Lee jerked back at her question. “Yes. Of course.”
“I haven’t been a Christian very long, but I remember the first sermon I heard at the church here. It was about how we should reflect God once we become His child.”
Lee didn’t recall that specific sermon, but over the years, he’d certainly heard plenty of sermons with a similar theme.
“Essie also gave me some verses recently, and as I watched you struggle with this, one of them came to mind.” She pulled the notebook closer to her and flipped it open to a bookmark. “I’m trying to memorize it, but I haven’t managed to yet. Plus, I want to make sure that I get it right.”
Lee watched as she bent over the notebook and read, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new. Second Corinthians five, verse seventeen.”
She looked up at him, her expression intense. “So you’re not the same person you were when you were born. Accepting Jesus into your heart made you new, and if your goal is to honor and glorify God, you don’t have to worry about becoming like your birth father.”
Rori made it sound so simple, but there was a battle going on within Lee. A battle of faith versus fear. He knew that faith should win out, but the fear was so very strong.
He’d never felt fear like that before. Fear for Rori, but also, he feared himself. In the space of a week, he’d become a stranger in his own skin.
Since he’d made the discovery, he’d ceased to be Lee Halverson, son of Cathy and Dan. He’d become the son of murderers. That information might be known to only a few people, but it didn’t matter. He knew.
He knew, and he couldn’t do anything about it.
“Am I wrong about that?” Rori asked, resting her hand on the notebook. “Like I said, I haven’t been a Christian very long.”
Lee hadn’t even thought to ask Rori about her spiritual life. He’d just assumed that she had one because she attended church.
If he was honest, the spiritual life of girls he’d dated in the past had ranked pretty low on the list of things he wanted in a girlfriend. Now he was face to face with someone who had been a Christian for way less time than him, and she was showing more faith and belief in God than he was in this situation.
He reached out to grip his glass of water, feeling the coolness seep into his fingers. “You’re not wrong, but it’s hard.”
“Essie said that God will help us. That in our weakness, He is strong.”
I am weak, but He is strong.
The words from Jesus Loves Me drifted through his mind. The song was a childhood favorite. One he’d been able to learn and enjoy because those who’d cared for him as a child had made the decision to place him in the Halversons’ home.
“It’s not that easy.” Or at least it wasn’t for him.
He felt very alone. Lee doubted there was anyone else in his situation. While people shared a lot of experiences in life—like the loss of a parent—he felt very alone in this experience.
“I know it won’t be easy,” Rori said. “But it’s not impossible, is it? Do you want what you’ve learned about yourself to rob you of the future you want?”
He didn’t want that, but he also didn’t want to hurt anyone he loved.
“I don’t know what to do, Rori.” Lee ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t know how to handle this information. I want a rewind button so badly.”
“There’s no rewind in life,” Rori said softly. “Your only choice is to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. You don’t have to take great strides. Small steps still move you forward. And you don’t have to do it alone. I want to be by your side.”
“Wouldn’t you rather step back and wait to see if I am successful at dealing with it?”
Rori shook her head. “I don’t want to be a distant witness to how God works in your life. I love you, Lee. That means something to me.”
Lee swallowed hard. It meant something to him, too. But it was his love for Rori that made him want to protect her.
“I need some time,” he said. “I just…”
Rori reached across the table and touched his hand. “I can give you time. Just don’t push me completely away. We don’t need to spend as much time together. We don’t have to go on dates. Just don’t try to kill our relationship.”
Lee knew he should insist they break things off, but she was offering him a lifeline that he really didn’t want to let pass him by. In all the uncertainty in life, he wanted the certainty of Rori in his life.
The problem was that he didn’t have a clear vision of a path forward. He didn’t know what to do next, even with Rori by his side.
Maybe he needed to talk to his mom and dad. For the first time since his discovery, he knew he needed their advice. And he needed to know what they knew.
“I don’t want to break up.” The words rushed out of him.
The smile that bloomed on Rori’s face at his words was the most beautiful thing Lee had ever seen. And she was focusing it on him.
Lee was so glad that she’d stood up to him. That she’d fought for them.
It reminded him of the interaction they’d had at the clinic when he’d asked her why she didn’t stand up for herself. At the time, he hadn’t understood what she’d said to him.
But now, she was standing up for herself and what she wanted. Their relationship was important enough for her to do that.
“I need to apologize.”
Her brows furrowed at his statement. “For?”
“When your mom and sister stopped by the clinic, I was wrong for getting upset that you didn’t stand up to them.”
“Thank you for apologizing.” Her face relaxed into a smile. “You are, of course, forgiven.”
Lee knew he was fortunate that she didn’t hold that against him. “You didn’t deserve for me to act the way I did.”
“Now that I know what you were dealing with, I understand. But at the time, it did hurt.”
“I shouldn’t have acted that way, and I’ll try not to let it happen again. Always call me out on stuff like that if I don’t recognize it myself.”
She deserved the best version of himself, and Lee was going to do all he could to get to that point.
He didn’t want to talk about his past anymore, but he also didn’t want to leave Rori yet. “Do you want to go for a walk?”
“At the park?”
He shook his head. “I don’t really want to deal with the family at the moment. Can we just wander around the neighborhood?”
“It’s not the prettiest place to walk,” Rori told him. “But it’s nice enough.”
“I’ll wait out by my car so you can get changed if you want.”
“Yeah, I’d better do that if I want to be comfortable.”
Together, they got to their feet, but before Lee left, he stepped toward her and opened his arms. Without hesitation, Rori moved into his embrace and wrapped her arms around him.
Lee pressed a kiss to her temple, and for the first time in over a week, he felt a glimmer of hope that maybe he could deal with everything. Maybe he could have the future he had hoped for.
After too short a time, Lee let Rori go and left so that she could change.
His spirits had definitely lifted since he’d arrived earlier. Not a lot, but enough that he didn’t feel like he was being crushed beneath the heavy weight of the information he’d learned.
And when Rori walked out to join him, Lee thanked God yet again for bringing her into his life. She hadn’t been afraid to remind him of something that he’d forgotten, and he was so grateful for that.
Hand-in-hand, they meandered along the sidewalk, talking about everything but what they’d gone through over the past week. Lee found enjoyment in Rori’s chatter about the animals she’d been befriending at the shelter.
The vise that had been around his chest loosened as they walked, and it felt like he could breathe for the first time in forever. And that he could begin to plan for the future. That he could tackle the hard things, like a conversation with his mom and dad.
Rori’s support gave him the courage to approach his parents after they arrived back later that week.
As soon as his mom saw him, concern filled her face.
“Are you still not feeling well?” she asked as she cupped his face in her hands.
It didn’t surprise him that she was aware that he’d been sick. He probably had Janessa or Charli to thank for that. Still, he wasn’t upset.
“I’m feeling better.” Which was the truth.
Since his conversation with Rori, he hadn’t felt as sick. It wasn’t that he didn’t have moments when he thought too much about his past, which triggered the sick feeling inside him.
He still had them, of course. But unlike that first week, the moments eventually passed. His sleeping still wasn’t great, but the nightmares didn’t wake him as frequently.
“I had to talk to you and Dad,” he said, needing to just jump in before he lost his nerve.
“Sure, sweetheart,” his mom said. “Let’s go to the family room.”
The three of them made their way through the house to the cozy room at the back of the house. His parents settled into their favorite chairs—a recliner for his dad and a glider for his mom—while Lee chose to sit on the loveseat facing them.
“What’s going on?” his dad asked, his brow furrowed.
Lee stared down at his hands, uncertain of where exactly to start. “I hired a private detective to find information about my life before I came to live with you.”
His parents exchanged a look before his dad cleared his throat and said, “Did he find what you wanted him to?”
Lee gave a humorless laugh. “Well, no. I doubt anyone would have wanted to find out what I did.”
The silence stretched out as his parents held what appeared to be a silent conversation. Lee just waited because now he knew without a shadow of a doubt that they knew. Otherwise, they would have been asking him what the detective had found.
“We hoped you’d never learn the truth,” his dad finally said, a resigned look on his face.
“Why didn’t you tell me when I asked?”
“Now that you know the truth, surely you can understand why we didn’t want to do that,” his dad said.
“We love you, Lee,” his mom added. “And the last thing we wanted as your parents was for you to be hurt. We felt that the knowledge of your past would be detrimental to you.”
Lee couldn’t say that they’d been wrong. Discovering the truth had been a horrible, horrible thing, and he could have happily lived the rest of his life without knowing what he knew now.
“How did you end up with me?” Lee asked, as there were still questions in his mind about how it had all unfolded.
“One of the doctors treating you approached us about taking you in,” his mom said. “He’d been a long-time friend of your grandfather’s, and he felt it would be beneficial for you to be with people who had medical experience. They also knew we had previously adopted Jay and Janessa, so they figured our family would be a good fit. And as far as we were concerned, we were the perfect fit. We loved you from the moment we saw you.”
Lee took a shaky breath, emotion filling his heart. “Who all knows that I’m still alive?”
“Only a handful of people,” his dad said. “Though I guess there are two more now with you and the detective knowing. Will he keep this secret?”
Lee nodded. “He understands the necessity of keeping it quiet. He also told me what I needed to do to protect that information.”
“I hope he will, because it’s important that the wrong people don’t find out.”
“Who all does know?” Lee asked.
“A detective, a judge, a psychiatrist, the doctor, and your grandmothers.”
“My grandmothers?”
His dad nodded. “They were the ones who broached the idea of you going into hiding with the detective and the doctor in charge of your care.”
“Wow. I figured none of my biological family knew.”
“They went to their graves with your secret.”
Lee felt a pang of sadness that he didn’t really understand. It wasn’t as if he had known the women.
“Once a year, we sent pictures, videos, and a letter detailing how your year had gone,” his mom said. “They would go to meet with the detective to see everything, but they never took anything home. Your maternal grandmother died two years after the trial, while your paternal grandmother died three years ago from cancer.”
“She was a very wealthy woman,” his dad said. “And shortly before she died, she sent us a large sum of money for you. Over the years, she’d given us money to help with the expenses we incurred raising you. We saved that up and used it to pay for your college, and what was left went into the account with the sum of money she gave before her death.”
“When were you going to give it to me?” Lee asked.
His parents exchanged a look before his dad said, “We didn’t know, to be honest. Because giving it to you would require explaining where it came from. And the thought of telling you about your past was unfathomable. We knew it would hurt you, and that’s the last thing we want for any of you kids.”
Lee didn’t know what to say. Now that he knew everything, he understood why his parents had been reticent to give him the information. No matter how it was revealed, he would have been hurt and devastated by the news.
“I’m really sorry that you found out the way you did, son,” his dad said. “And if there’s anything we can do to help you process this, we’re here for you.”
“I think I need to talk to a therapist, but I don’t know who to speak with since I don’t want to reveal details to someone who might let it slip that I’m still alive.”
“We can help with that,” his mom said with a smile. “The psychiatrist we spoke to back when the decision was made to give you a new identity said she’d be available if, at any point, you needed to speak to someone. She knows everything and signed an NDA like the rest of us.”
“I think I’d like to speak to her.”
“I’ll send her a message,” his mom said.
“You’re not alone dealing with this,” his dad added. “We love you and want you to live a happy, fulfilling life despite how you got your start.”
“You don’t worry about me having similar tendencies to my parents?”
His mom vigorously shook her head. “Not at all. We had no reluctance in taking you in, and we resolved to love you and care for you and give you the life you should have had.”
Lee still wanted the life he’d dreamed of having before discovering what had happened to him and his biological family.
Was it possible?
Or was he being selfish and putting the people he loved at risk?
He still didn’t know for certain.