Chapter Twenty-Seven
I stared at him, a little taken aback. “No…” Was he seriously making a big deal about this? “Not a real date. I told you I’m not going out with him, and I told you early on that I wouldn’t see anyone else while I was sleeping with you. It just… happened. You know that he thought you were my son, and I—”
“Just give me some time, Jillian.” His hands tensed around the wheel, and it looked like he was about to snap it like a pretzel round.
“Okay.”
Chase started the car and backed out. He exited the structure, driving calmly without speaking a word. It was all fine, I assured myself. He just needed time to process, just like he said. By the time we arrived at home, he’d realize that nothing horrible had happened, and he was overreacting. He wouldn’t let a great night end this way. We’d go inside, have fantastic make-up sex, and then he’d sleep over so we could do it again in the morning.
He pulled into my driveway and turned off the car. I waited a minute to see if he would get out and open the door for me since he liked to do that, but when he didn’t move, I placed my hand on the door.
“Jillian.” He turned his head toward me, and I didn’t like what I saw.
I dropped my hand back into my lap. “Chase, what was I supposed to do?”
“Here’s a ludicrous idea for you—how about say no?”
I sighed. “I panicked, okay? I wasn’t thinking clearly. He thought you were Daniel, and that majorly freaked me out. That’s what people see when they look at us, Chase. They don’t see a couple; they see a mother and a son.”
“And why should they see us as a couple, Jillian? You don’t give them any reason to.”
My jaw dropped. “That is totally unfair. You know how I feel about all this, and besides, you’re the one who told Jeff we were just friends.”
“Goddammit. I did that for you. I thought you were about to pass out. The last thing I wanted to do was upset you more. Would you have liked me to tell him we were together?”
“Well, no…” He did have a point. I would have felt worse if Jeff discovered the guy he thought was my son was really my lover.
“The entire night I did for you, Jillian. I did everything possible to make sure our night out was a success. That’s why I went along with the ‘just a friend’ shit every time we talked to someone. Why I didn’t touch you more than necessary, even though I wanted to put my fucking hands all over you. I wanted that entire room to know you were mine. I want the entire fucking world to know. But I only push it so hard, Jillian. Why? Because you have it in your head that there’s something wrong with us.”
“Chase.” He was blowing this way out of proportion, merging into a whole different direction. But once again, we were only in perfect tune until we left the house. “I tried telling you this was a bad idea. There’s nothing wrong with us when it’s just us. Don’t you see that?”
He banged the wheel once with his fist, startling me. He was certainly in a mood tonight. Hopefully, we’d laugh about all this tomorrow.
“No, you know damn well things were going well tonight until you let this shit bother you and you made your fucking date.” I opened my mouth to disagree with the date comment but shut it when he started talking again. “And even though I wanted you closer to me, I still had a good time because I was with you. I don’t have the same hang-ups you do.”
“Maybe you don’t have them now, Chase, but believe me, if we stayed together for any length of time, you would. All those comments would start to get to you. Someday, you’d see me in a different light and realize that all those pretty young things would make your life a whole lot less complicated.”
“What the fuck is your problem, Jillian? Stop making up shit that isn’t there.”
I’d never seen him this mad before, and I was trying to piece it all together. We’d disagreed about this topic many times before, but it never got this heated. All because of a stupid fake date?
“It’s not my problem; it’s the way the world works. And I don’t have to make it up because that’s how things actually exist. When others look at me, they see a woman old enough to be your mother, and that’s only going to get worse.”
This shitstorm needed to end. We only had so much time together, and we were going to spend it in a car arguing?
I set my hand on his leg. “Just please come inside, okay? Let’s not do this.”
He picked up my hand and took it off. What? “No, Jillian. We are not going inside to fuck and act like everything is fine.”
“My God, Chase. All because of what happened with Jeff? I seriously don’t get it. I told you I panicked. I told you I’m not going on that damned date. What more do you want from me?”
“You talk a lot about what other people see, but do you know what I see when I look at you?” His voice was softer now. “I don’t see a fifteen-year age difference. I see a soulmate. What more do I want from you? I want you to believe that our connection is on the inside, and that’s the only light I’d ever see you in.”
My head was twirling so fast it was going to pop off and roll away. The conversation just twisted. He can’t see me as a soulmate. He just can’t. I’m the woman he fucks, the woman he makes meals with, the woman he plays music for, the woman he talks with, laughs with, makes love with....
“I love you, Jillian.”
I closed my eyes. My heart pounded in my chest, trying to break free. Holy fuck. He can’t love me. He can’t love me because I love him back. And we both can’t be in love because there wasn’t enough music in the world to soothe that beast of a clusterfuck. This was not supposed to happen. What we had together was just a temporary arrangement.
“That’s not realistic, Chase.” I couldn’t even look at him. My insides had grown razor-sharp claws, and they were painfully stabbing me, digging away until there was nothing left. “We can’t just lie on a rock and hide out for the rest of our lives and watch the stars. That’s not real life.”
He was silent for so long I didn’t know what to do. Part of me had already died, and I was just waiting for someone to come along and finish off the rest of me.
“Congratulations,” he finally said. “You’ve found a way to scare me off.”
Did I say I was dazed? My accuracy rivaled that of a flunked-out meteorologist on crack. What I felt before was a gentle sprinkling of rain. Compare that to the cyclone destroying everything in its wake. I stood on my front porch, wondering how I’d gotten there. Just moments ago, he’d asked me to leave the car, and I had. No arguments. No complaints.
I fished my keys out of my purse and let myself in. Once the door was closed behind me, I heard him drive off. It was surreal being there without him. We should’ve been ripping each other’s clothes off, laughing about something that someone said earlier. Doing whatever.
Just not… this.
I plunked down on the couch, not bothering to turn on a light. There was no danger of crying; I was too far gone for that. I was more numb than anything. This day was bound to come eventually; it just came earlier than anticipated, that’s all. I already knew we were over before we started.
If I thought about it, he did me a favor. It would give me more time to get over him before Daniel came home. And now there was zero chance of suffering through the inevitable decline that came along with our type of arrangement.
Yes, I decided, curling into myself. This was a good thing.