Chapter 29
CADEN
The last thing I should be thinking about was Valentina.
I should be worried about the guy I’d considered one of my best friends being ready to knock me out with a single punch.
I should be worried about my future on the HBU soccer team.
My possible future at Anova. My relationship with Mike.
Whatever the fuck I thought I owed Alison.
Not a secret summer fling that shouldn’t mean anything— one Valentina would’ve forgotten about the second we’d left Oakport, guaranteed. She hadn’t planned on telling her friends, so the only logical conclusion was that she thought she’d never see me again to begin with.
That I meant about as much as Finnick Fucking Maxwell to her.
So she’d spilled my secret, and I’d spilled hers. I’d warned her. A few weeks ago, I’d basically threatened to tell her friends if she ever so much as thought about opening her mouth about Anova. Now she had, for whatever fucking reason. And so I had, too.
A promise was a promise. A threat a threat.
And maybe it was better this way. Have her fuck me over before this—whatever this between us had been—could become an even bigger mess. Involving feelings and trust, and, worst of all, an admission of both. Before I’d dismantled my walls, reached in, and given her my heart whole.
Before I’d given her the power to destroy it with a single, delicate squeeze. Like this had been.
Opening up, trusting, loving, only to end up losing that person the same way I’d lost Ali, completely and irreversibly.
Coming home from the hospital and still finding one of her plushies in the living room.
Zapping through TV programs and getting stuck on her favorite show.
Still hearing her laugh ring out in the hall, like she’d burst through the door any second.
For a single second forgetting she was gone, until the reminder hit you like a truck.
I didn’t think I could go through that again. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life. Keep myself locked up behind walls ten times as high as me, and make sure not to let anyone slip through the cracks, like Valentina easily had.
You don’t even want to explain yourself?
I shook the lingering memories off. It was dark, but I could still make out Mike’s silhouette; the way he paced up and down, arms crossed, then uncrossed, hands flexing into fists, before uncurling. If one thing was clear, he wasn’t quite sure how to feel.
I shrugged, tried to steer my thoughts away from cherry-red hair, those brown eyes, rosy cheeks. And failed. Well. What’s she told you?
Honestly, I didn’t think he’d heard me. That rush of anger clouded his judgement, drowned out his surroundings. All he noticed was that I’d said something, and it was enough to make him lose his fucking mind again.
I had a glimmer of hope our conversation would turn out to be productive once he’d let it all out.
He cursed and shouted and continued pacing, and not for a single second of it did he look at me.
At last, he asked, How long? His eyes finally locked with mine.
Have you known? How long have you been considering? he corrected.
And how on earth would more lies help? A few months. Since graduation, maybe.
Dude. Some of the anger in his voice evaporated, like the truth was so devastating, he wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. You’ve got to be fucking with me. Why would you throw away everything you’ve worked so hard for? He shook his head. For some stupid job that’ll still be there in two years?
Because I’d never wanted it. Because I’d never done it for me. Because I’m selfish, but when it came to my sister, I’d give her the world—dead or alive.
Just with this… I wasn’t sure if I could make the decision for anyone but myself.
All thoughts Valentina had put into my head, I begrudgingly realized.
I settled on, I don’t think it makes me happy, man.
And it was the first time I’d admitted it to myself, as well. Unfortunately, Mike’s reaction wasn’t as understanding as I’d hoped. It was barely accepting.
He laughed, only to make a point. The boisterous sound echoed through the yard, bounced off the Summerhouse and across the flat surface of the pool, illuminated by its lights below the water.
Who the fuck are you, and what have you done to Caden Callahan?
Funny, I deadpanned.
It’s not, he shot back. That’s the problem, dude.
You’re captain—you were supposed to be captain, because the only thing that actually made you happy was winning.
You didn’t light up the same way when you aced an exam or went home with a beautiful woman— He cut his own thoughts off. This is about Rhodes. It has to be.
It’s got nothing to do with her.
Stop lying to me. It’s fucking insulting. You like her.
I snickered, tried to wave the accusation away like it wasn’t a big deal. Like it hadn’t taken a whole lot of mental strength to convince myself I wasn’t. Bullshit. When have I ever liked anyone?
Exactly. So what is it? he challenged. She’s not going to grad school? You guys want to move to Boston together? She’s promised you the world, if only you don’t go back to school in the fall?
No. Talking about her shouldn’t have been a big deal. The way he’d said her name should have been irrelevant. I tried to act like it was, but I gritted my teeth, clenched my hands into fists behind my back, and I didn’t know why. Something about his tone, maybe.
She doesn’t like all the female attention you got as an athlete? She’s scared you’ll leave her for the next best cheerleader? he continued guessing.
My hands continued flexing. My jaw tensed.
Either oblivious or aware of exactly what his words did to me, he carried on. She wants to be your priority? Damn, Callahan, I never thought I’d see you this pussy-whipped. See you throw your life away for a good fuck—
My hand twitched, one last time, before flying against his face. Below my knuckles, something cracked. Adrenalin rushed into every single part of my body, vision red, only for a moment.
It’s got nothing to do with her, I spat while he recoiled. I don’t know how much Anni would like you talking about her friend that way, though. Think twice, next time you put her name in your mouth.
He looked back at me, and no matter how great it had felt, I was glad to see he wasn’t bleeding, and that his nose didn’t seem broken.
Mike rubbed his jaw, glared at me. God, you’ve always been so fucking oblivious.
Again, he shook his head. You’re off the fucking team, by the way.
I’m calling Coach Hepburn tomorrow, and I’ll be damned if someone who didn’t even want it takes my spot next month.
And maybe it was better that way.