Chapter 3
3
Danni cradled her bump with one hand, and clasped Charlie’s hand with the other. This was the fifth scan she’d had, after a decision had been made to give her extra checks following the twenty-week scan, when the baby’s measurements had indicated that he was very slightly on the small side. Despite Danni having a huge bump, the baby was measuring in the bottom 25 per cent, so the size was almost certainly down to her carrying a lot of water. The midwife didn’t seem too worried about that, or the baby’s growth, and had reassured Danni that the measurements were likely to be due to a combination of factors. She’d said it was probably down to Danni having put on so little weight overall, the stress of her job, and most depressing of all, her advanced maternal age. Given how relaxed the midwife had seemed, Danni had been surprised to be offered so many additional scans. She wasn’t sure if she was getting so much attention because she worked at the hospital, but they certainly seemed to be pulling out all the stops. Either way, she wasn’t going to turn down the extra checks; not when she was carrying a gift she’d feared for so long she’d never be given.
For more than seven years Danni had thought she’d been in love with Esther’s ex-fiancé who had strung her along, doing everything he could to convince her that they were star-crossed soulmates, whose difficult childhoods meant they understood one another in a way no one else could. She’d never crossed the line with Lucas, thank God, and in the end the love she had for her best friend had been far more powerful. It was only when she’d met Charlie that she’d understood what love really looked like, and that had heightened her desire to have a family of her own. But she’d been scared she’d left it too late. They were both in their late thirties, and she knew better than most that meant her fertility would have declined.
They’d decided just a year into their relationship to try for a baby, and she’d done her best to manage her hopes, talking to Charlie about the kind of life they could build together if they never had children, all the adventures they could have with Maggie and Brenda. But deep down she didn’t know if she would ever really have come to terms with that, or whether Charlie would have either. He was a children’s author, after all, adored by thousands of kids who loved his stories. And Danni still had a gap she needed to fill, one that had been there since she’d lost her father. She adored her brother, Joe, and they were really close, but that parent-child bond had been lost when their father had died. She desperately wanted it back, except this time she’d be the parent, and she was going to do everything she could to be the best one she could possibly be.
She’d made a great start by choosing Charlie to be her little boy’s father, because she couldn’t envisage a better man for the job. He’d been there every step of the way since the positive pregnancy test just a month after they’d decided to start trying. Charlie couldn’t do enough for her, and he treated the pregnancy like the miracle they’d felt it was. He’d welcomed the extra scans as much as she had, and he’d never missed a check-up, even when it had meant driving all through the night from a stop on his latest book tour, on the other side of the country, as he had that morning. He’d gone straight to the hospital, and she’d got there earlier than needed, so she could be there to meet him, which was why they still had more than twenty minutes before their appointment. There was only one other patient waiting for a scan ahead of them, so at least there was a good chance of them going in on time. Danni was desperately hoping so, because her bladder was already feeling the strain of all the water she’d drunk in preparation for her appointment.
‘I can hear your stomach rumbling from here.’ Charlie grinned as the grumbling noise, which had started the moment Danni sat down, reached fever pitch.
‘I should have had some breakfast, but I couldn’t face it at the same time as all that water. Now it’s sloshing around in there like a hot water bottle and I’m so hungry I could eat one of those sandwiches from the hospital restaurant that curl up in the corners.’
‘I’ll go and get you something now.’ Charlie was already halfway out of his seat.
‘Don’t be silly.’ Danni reached out to try and stop him, taking hold of his arm, but he gently shook her off.
‘You had low blood sugar at one of your check-ups and you remember what the midwife said?’ Charlie raised his eyebrows.
‘That I need to make sure I eat regularly, and not skip meals, even if I’m on a busy shift.’ Danni pulled a face. ‘I’m starting to wonder if it was such a good idea having you at every appointment.’
‘I always thought I’d make a great midwife, that’s why I listen so attentively.’ Charlie laughed.
‘Did you really? Funny you’ve never mentioned that before.’ Danni couldn’t help laughing, too. ‘I think we’d better see how well you cope with the delivery before you decide on a change of career, don’t you?’
‘Maybe, but one thing I’m confident I can do is rustle up something a bit better than a curly-edged sandwich, and we’ve still got fifteen minutes until we’re due to go in. So as much as I love you, I’m not taking no for an answer this time.’
Just as Danni was about to protest again, her stomach gave another loud rumble and the baby kicked hard. ‘Okay, seeing as even our son is complaining about the noise now, I think I’d better let you go.’
‘I’ll be ten minutes at the most, I promise.’ Charlie gave her a quick kiss and headed out of the waiting area.
‘You’ve got a good one there.’ The woman sitting diagonally across from Danni gave her a shy smile. She barely looked out of her teens, and she was strikingly pretty with dark hair and bright blue eyes that looked glassy with emotion.
‘I know.’ Danni returned her smile, but the other woman still looked as though she was on the verge of tears despite her attempts to hide it. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m just being stupid, getting myself all upset over nothing. Sitting here wondering if I’m the only person going to their twenty-week scan on their own.’ The woman tried and failed to sniff back the threatened tears.
‘Oh sweetheart, I’m sorry, but of course you’re not the only one to do this on your own.’ Danni got up and moved to her side. ‘If you need some company, I can go in with you. I know you don’t know me from Adam, but my name’s Danni, and I’m a doctor in the emergency department here, if that helps.’
‘That’s so lovely of you, but I can’t ask you to do that. You’ve got your own appointment to think about. Like I said, I’m just being stupid.’ The woman gave a shuddering sigh, seeming to win back control of her emotions as she did so. ‘I’m Chloe, by the way.’
‘Nice to meet you Chloe and, no pressure, but I’m more than happy to come in if you don’t want to do it alone. I know the twenty-week scan is a big one with all the checks. Are you planning to find out the baby’s sex?’
‘We had a private gender scan at sixteen weeks, so I already know I’m having a boy.’
‘Me too!’ Danni hadn’t missed Chloe’s mention of ‘we’ when she’d referred to her private scan, but she wasn’t going to probe further and risk upsetting her again. Anything could have happened in the past four weeks to change the ‘we’ to a ‘me’.
‘My partner Mike was at the gender scan and he was so thrilled to finally be getting a boy; he’s got two daughters already, you see.’ Chloe gave her another shy look. ‘They’re such lovely girls and I keep telling him he’s being old fashioned, but he said he can’t help it. He’s always wanted a son… I thought when we found that out that he might make the effort to be here for the next scan, but he seems to think there’s nothing special about this one now that we know the gender, and he’s really busy with work.’
‘He probably just wants to take as much time off as he can when the baby arrives.’ Danni hoped she was right. ‘Are his daughters excited about being big sisters?’
‘They really are. Alice is at uni, but Zara comes over whenever she can. She’d have bunked off college to be here with me if I’d told her I was coming on my own, so I kept it to myself. It would hardly be a good look when I teach at the same college, but nothing would have stopped her if she’d known her dad wasn’t going to make it.’ Chloe gave an audible swallow, suddenly looking even younger than before and it was hard to believe she had a step-daughter at university. There was something about the girls’ names that was ringing a bell too; Alice and Zara, she was sure she’d heard them said together before, but the joys of pregnancy-brain seemed to have hit her with a vengeance just lately. Chloe sighed, interrupting Danni’s thoughts. ‘It’s times like this when I miss my mum more than ever. She’d have wanted to be here for me. I was only seven when she died, and sometimes it’s hard to even remember her, but somehow, I still know for sure she’d want to be a big part of all of this.’
‘Of course she’d have wanted to be here with you; it’s hard to imagine a mother who wouldn’t.’ Danni hadn’t been able to stop her voice catching on the last few words and Chloe gave her a level look.
‘You can though, can’t you?’
‘Is it that obvious?’ The last thing Danni wanted was to turn the conversation around to her, but maybe it would make Chloe feel better to realise that her life wasn’t quite as perfect as it might look from the outside.
‘It’s probably not obvious to everyone, but it is to me.’ Chloe pulled her shoulders back and shook her head. ‘When my mum died, my dad remarried quite quickly and my stepmother is… well, let’s just say, we’ve never been close. I always seemed to be in the way, and she had two sons who were clearly the centre of her world, along with my dad. There never seemed to be any room for me, no matter how small a space I tried to take up. I don’t know, but I think somewhere along the line I learnt to spot a kindred spirit.’
‘You’re right in a way, except the woman who has no room in her life for me is my own mother. I lost my dad when I was eight. She couldn’t wait to ship me and my brother off to boarding school, and she’s never really been interested in either of us since. But we’re lucky; my partner, Charlie, was adopted, and he’s got two wonderful mothers in his life. It means there are plenty of women around who I can ask for advice, so I’m not really missing out.’ Danni was vaguely aware that she was trying almost as hard to convince herself as she was Chloe, but there was no point harking after something she was never going to get.
‘Mike still has his mum, but she’s in her eighties now and I don’t think she approves of me much. I’m only three years older than her granddaughter and she was very close to Mike’s first wife, Wendy.’ As soon as Chloe said the name, all the pieces of the puzzle suddenly slotted together in Danni’s head. She couldn’t believe she hadn’t put two and two together before. She’d spent time with Wendy socially, and her partner, Gary, was a friend and colleague. Wendy was friend of Connie’s too. So, she’d heard about Alice and Zara before – all good. And about Mike – all bad. Danni felt even more sorry for Chloe going into her scan alone as a result, and she wanted to do something to make her feel a tiny bit better if she could.
‘Sometimes these kinds of big changes just take a bit of adjustment, but my friend who was a midwife for years always says that babies bring their own love.’ Danni rested a hand on her bump as she spoke. ‘And I bet, when your little boy arrives, your mother-in-law will see things differently.’
‘It might help if she was my mother-in-law.’ Chloe frowned. ‘I really thought Mike would propose when we found out about the baby. I was sure he was going to when we discovered I was having a boy. He’s so desperate to pass on his name, but he still hasn’t asked me. So, as far as Veronica is concerned, Wendy remains her daughter-in-law and probably always will do.’
‘I know that must hurt, but try to focus on what you have got. You’re going to be the absolute centre of your little boy’s world, and there isn’t a person he is going to want around more than he wants you.’
‘I can’t wait for that feeling.’ Chloe’s lip wobbled, tears filling her eyes again. ‘It’s all I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember, someone who loves me as much as I love them, and I haven’t had it since I lost Mum.’
‘You’ll have it soon, I promise, and it’s obvious how much love your little boy is going to get. He’ll be so lucky to have a mum like you. Not every mum is a good one, I know that as well as anyone, but I just know you’re going to be great.’
‘Thank you.’ Chloe suddenly enveloped her in a hug. ‘You’ve got no idea how much what you’ve just said means to me.’
‘Chloe Thomas?’ The sonographer called out the name as she came into the waiting room.
‘Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?’
‘Thank you, but I’ll be fine now, because of you. It doesn’t matter if it’s just me and the baby in there. He’s the only thing I really need.’ Chloe gave Danni another quick hug as she got up, before following the sonographer into the examination room, just as Charlie arrived back in the waiting area.
‘I’ve found you a pain au chocolat, and some mixed berries.’ He smiled and the aroma of pastry and chocolate filled the air, her stomach renewing its rumbling in response.
‘You’re telling me you managed to get that from the hospital restaurant?’
‘I might have had a little jog down the road to somewhere with a bit more choice; I couldn’t have you eating a cereal bar and a cheese string from the vending machine.’
‘I love you. So much .’ Leaning forward, she kissed him, still barely able to believe the stroke of good fortune that had brought him into her life. She was so lucky, much luckier than she ever dreamt she’d be, and after her conversation with Chloe she was more determined than ever not to forget it.
Wendy saw a lot of things in her job that she’d never expected to encounter. Being head of housekeeping wasn’t just about doing the things on her job description. She’d found herself comforting strangers sobbing in corridors following a shock diagnosis or the loss of a loved one. She’d helped an injured woman who she’d encountered in the car park, into the emergency department, and reunited a lost child with his terrified mother. That’s what came of a job that took her all over the hospital, especially since her promotion meant she now audited the quality of her staff’s work across every department. She’d bumped into friends unexpectedly too, who were there for appointments or to visit someone. So maybe it shouldn’t have been such a shock to encounter Chloe in the corridor outside the ultrasound department, but it still made Wendy’s head shoot back in surprise when the younger woman called out her name.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.’ Chloe smiled and for some reason she couldn’t have begun to justify, a wave of annoyance washed over Wendy.
‘You didn’t.’ Her tone was sharp, but she didn’t want Mike’s girlfriend thinking she had any kind of hold over her, or that her existence bothered Wendy in any way.
‘I’m glad I bumped into you anyway.’ Chloe’s sing-song voice suggested she was completely unaffected by Wendy’s response, but why should she care what Mike’s fat, frumpy ex-wife thought of her, when she was so perfect in every way? ‘I’ve just been in for a scan, and everything is good with the baby.’
‘That’s wonderful.’ Wendy did her best to sound pleased, and she was genuinely glad that the baby was okay. None of the things that Mike had done were his unborn son’s fault, but her face still hurt when she tried to smile. ‘I take it that’s not why you’re glad you bumped into me?’
‘No.’ Just for a moment Chloe looked crestfallen, and an emotion Wendy couldn’t quite put her finger on twisted in her gut, but it felt a lot like guilt. ‘I wanted to talk to you about Zara.’
‘You wanted to talk to me about my daughter?’ Wendy bristled as Chloe nodded, and she barely resisted the urge to tell her that she had no right to bring Zara up, she wasn’t even her stepmother.
‘I’m worried that something might be going on with her eating. She skips meals sometimes, but then I found a load of empty wrappers in her room and some signs in the bathroom that she might have been vomiting.’ Chloe’s eyes were round with concern, but Wendy was already shaking her head.
‘She wouldn’t do that. She’s not silly; she knows how dangerous that sort of thing is.’ Fear had made Wendy lash out, her stomach churning at the very idea Zara could have an eating disorder. Who the hell was Chloe to think she knew Wendy’s daughter better than she did? But even as she desperately trying to deny it, her mind started racing through the signs she’d tried so hard to attribute to something else, which were now screaming at her that Chloe could well be right. She still couldn’t bear the idea that it was true, and she was nowhere near ready to accept it, so she stood her ground, determined to put Chloe back in her place. ‘You’re wrong; you don’t know her like I do.’
‘Of course I don’t, but I do know eating disorders.’ Chloe sighed, suddenly looking even more fragile. ‘I had bulimia and anorexia in my teens, and I can see the signs in Zara.’
‘No, no.’ The heat flooding Wendy’s body was becoming even more intense, as if all the blood was suddenly closer to the surface, and her head was spinning. ‘Zara’s beautiful and she’s loved; why would she feel the need to do something like that?’
‘There are so many triggers. For me, having a stepmother who was obsessed with being as thin as possible didn’t help. And some accounts on social media actively encourage it.’
‘And who’s fault is it, if Zara feels pressured by social media!’ The heat building up inside of Wendy had boiled over into white hot rage. She could have tried telling herself that all that anger she was directing at Chloe was justified, and that what she’d said proved Chloe was to blame for whatever body issues Zara might have. But something else she’d said had hit Wendy hard too. Having someone in her life who was obsessed with trying to lose weight was something Zara had been exposed to, long before she’d ever met Chloe. Wendy had always wanted to look different, to be thinner, and had tried every fad diet she came across. None of them had worked; in fact, they’d all made things worse, and she was still an apple shape; a dumpling, as Mike had called her ever since she hadn’t managed to shift the baby weight after having Zara. It meant that deep down she knew she couldn’t blame Chloe for her daughter’s issues with her body image, but she couldn’t bring herself to say the words out loud. It hurt too much to accept they might be true, and that the reason her little girl might be so desperately unhappy was down to Wendy. It was far easier to deflect the blame.
‘This isn’t about whose fault it is.’ Chloe’s eyes were clouded with emotion, but her tone was even. ‘I just want Zara to be okay.’
‘Me too.’ All the air seemed to leave Wendy’s body, and the anger went with it, the terror about what her daughter might be going through replacing it and making her shiver with fear. ‘How can she think she’s not perfect already?’
‘I don’t know.’ Chloe gave another shuddering sigh. ‘But I think we need to work together on this. Come up with a way of talking to her about it and getting her the help she needs.’
‘Okay.’ Wendy nodded, suddenly feeling like she wanted to grab hold of Chloe and not let go until she’d promised Wendy there was a way of making everything okay for Zara. ‘What can we do?’
‘I think we need to talk to her, gently and calmly, and most of all be ready to listen. It’s not an easy process, and if I’m honest I still feel the urge to slip back into old ways, and I still go to a support group sometimes too. It helped me understand what my triggers are, and, for me, it was always worse when I needed some control in my life. Food was something I could do that with, even when I had no control over anything else. It could be very different for Zara, so we have to be ready to hear what she has to say, rather than telling her what we think.’
‘You should be the one who talks to her.’ As unbearable as Wendy found it that Chloe might be better placed to help Zara than she was, she knew it was true. How she felt about it, and the jealousy that had snaked its way around her heart every time she saw how close her daughters were becoming to Mike’s partner, didn’t matter. Nothing mattered anymore, except that Zara was okay.
‘Are you sure? I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes.’
‘I’m sure.’ Wendy let go of a long breath, closing her eyes so she didn’t have to look at Chloe when she said what she had to say next. ‘I know it must have been hard to tell me and that I haven’t made it easy for you to talk to me about the girls.’
‘I know how much you love them, but I do too.’ Chloe was looking at her when Wendy opened her eyes again and she managed a nod.
‘You’ll keep me in the loop when you talk to her, won’t you?’
‘Of course.’ Chloe nodded too. ‘We’re a team now.’
‘Uh-huh.’ Wendy hated how much she wished that wasn’t true, but she managed a weak smile that didn’t hurt her face quite as much as the first one had. ‘Thank you.’ They were just two words that Wendy said over her shoulder, as she headed off down the corridor, but it was probably the most sincere thing she’d ever said to her ex-husband’s girlfriend. She just hoped with all her heart that Chloe would know how to help Zara, because she couldn’t bear the thought of anything really bad happening to one of her children. And she wasn’t sure it was something she could survive.