Chapter 17
17
Danni knew how easy a decision it had been for Esther and Joe to get married at the beautiful St Jude’s church in Port Agnes. There were so many factors in its favour, not least of which was that the church in Port Kara was where Esther had planned to marry Lucas. But the vicar at St Jude’s, Noah, was a huge draw too. He radiated warmth and kindness, and had made them all laugh at the rehearsal a couple of days before the wedding, when Esther’s nerves had been obvious. His wife Issy, one of the midwives who worked out of the Port Agnes midwifery unit, was pregnant herself, and Danni had enjoyed chatting to her about their impending arrivals.
Making new mum friends was something she knew she needed to do once the baby arrived, but she’d been apprehensive about finding people she’d have enough in common with. At the pre-natal classes she’d gone to, she’d been the oldest of the expectant mums, and most of them already seemed to know one another. The Three Ports area could be like that and, although Danni had grown up in another part of Cornwall, she wasn’t local and she didn’t have the kind of long-established friendships the other women in her group already seemed to have, except with her colleagues at the hospital. Her bond with Esther, which had started well over a decade before in London, was stronger than any friendship she could ever imagine building with anyone else. But Issy was someone she could see herself building a bond with too, and by the time the rehearsal was over the two women had exchanged numbers.
The day of the wedding itself dawned bright, and the view from St Jude’s across the clifftop to the sea was almost as breathtaking as the sight of the bride. Danni, who’d agreed to be maid of honour, despite feeling like an ostrich egg on legs, had welled up the moment she saw her best friend when Esther had come down the stairs at her parents’ house.
‘My brother is officially the luckiest man in the world.’
‘You look beautiful.’ Esther’s father, Patrick, had been even less successful at holding back the emotion than Danni, and her mother didn’t even try.
‘My darling girl. You deserve the best day and the happiest marriage, and I know you’re going to have that with Joe.’ Caroline had slipped an arm around her daughter’s waist as she spoke, and she’d held out her other hand to Danni. ‘What makes it even better is that today you two finally become sisters. Call it in-law if you will, but we know it’s a deeper bond than that. We’ve called you our girls for years, and now it’s official.’
It was typical of Esther’s family to make Danni feel special and loved, even on their daughter’s big day. She wouldn’t have her parents standing watching her descend the stairs when she eventually married Charlie, but she had a found family she knew she could rely on. Nicola had accepted the invitation to Esther and Joe’s wedding, but both Danni and Joe knew it wasn’t a certainty that she’d turn up. Even if she did, there’d be no heartfelt sentiments for her only son. Like Danni, Joe had long since learnt to cultivate other relationships. After his return from Australia, he’d quickly grown close to Charlie, and so it had been no surprise when he’d asked Danni’s fiancé to be his best man. Esther’s other bridesmaid was Angela, a friend of Joe’s from Brisbane, who’d recently moved to the UK to take a job at St Piran’s, and whom everyone called Chooky. Aidan and Jase were ushers, and there were so many of the team from A it couldn’t have made her reel any harder if he’d slapped her across the face. What made it worse was that she knew there was some truth in his words. The sight of him made her flesh crawl now, but even that didn’t compare to her gut-wrenching reaction when she thought about how close she’d come to betraying her best friend for such a repugnant man. But she hadn’t, and she knew that was all that mattered to Esther. So she refused to let Lucas see that he still had the power to get to her.
‘Take your hands off me, Lucas. Now!’ As she tried to yank her arm away from him, he just tightened his grip.
‘Maybe I should give you what you wanted all that time. Wouldn’t that be a thrill, us finally living out all your fantasies, behind Esther’s back, not to mention the father of your baby?’
‘I’d rather die, now let me go!’ She screamed the words this time, trying to kick out at him as he held on to her, and instinctively wrapping her other arm around her bump.
‘You heard her. Let her go. Right now.’ Esther was running towards them, barefoot and with the skirt of her dress hiked up to aid her movement.
‘What, are you still jealous?’ Lucas laughed, finally releasing Danni’s arm, the angry imprints of his fingernails visible even under the muted glow of the festoon lights.
‘Just go, Lucas, no one wants you here.’ Esther’s tone was calm, but there was a flash of defiance in her eyes. She was the kindest person Danni had ever met, but she’d also seen how fearless her friend could be when she was protecting the people she loved.
Suddenly Lucas’s expression changed, the laughter dying in his throat as he looked at her. ‘There was never any need for you to be jealous, you’re still the love of my life. You always will be.’
‘It’s unfortunate for you that you didn’t turn out to be mine.’ There was no glee in Esther’s tone, just a matter-of-factness that made it all the more convincing.
‘And I suppose Joe is?’
‘Yes, he is, but so is Danni. You tried for all those years to come between us, and you never managed it. So why don’t you do us all a favour, yourself included, and just leave St Piran’s and start again?’
‘You don’t really want me to go, not deep down.’ His arrogance was breathtaking and, if Danni hadn’t seen it for herself, she wasn’t sure she’d have believed it.
‘It would be the best wedding gift anyone could give me.’ Not waiting for him to reply, Esther took hold of Danni’s hand, and turned them both around to head back to the marquee. When they were about twenty feet away, she turned slightly.
‘Is he following us?’ Danni whispered the words.
‘Nope, just standing there watching, like the sad, lonely man he deserves to be.’
‘I’m sorry.’ Danni bit her lip as they reached the marquee, the sound of laughter and singing filling the air around them.
‘Don’t you dare, you’ve got nothing to apologise for. I love you and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, and I know you feel the same way about me, because you’ve already proved it. Are you okay?’
‘I’m not sure.’ Danni was shaking and Esther hugged her so tightly that for a moment it was hard to breathe, but then she stepped back.
‘Did he hurt you?’ Fire flashed in Esther’s eyes and she looked ready to launch herself in Lucas’s direction.
‘No, but I think he wanted to, and he knew he was scaring me.’
‘Bastard.’ Esther took hold of her hand. ‘I heard you tell him to let you go, but I didn’t hear what happened before that.’
‘He said…’ Danni hesitated for a moment, bile rising in her throat. ‘He said he’d give me what I’ve always wanted. It felt like a threat, and I told him the thought disgusted me, but I’m scared of what he might have tried if you hadn’t turned up.’
‘Oh Dan, it’ll be okay, I promise. I’m never going to let him hurt you.’
Tears stung Danni’s eyes as she looked at Esther, she had no idea how she’d got lucky enough to find a friend who was so loyal, but she knew she didn’t deserve it. ‘I was such an idiot to ever let myself get close to him. I’d give anything to take that back. I’m so sorry.’
As Danni repeated her apology, Esther shook her head, still clutching her hand. ‘I’d never allow that idiot to come between us, and this has got to stop. Right now. Lucas has always been a nasty piece of work, but what he’s done tonight has crossed a line and we’ve got to report it.’
‘Who to?’ Danni was still shaking, part of her wanting to just forget what had happened, but a bigger part of her knowing that Esther was right. Lucas was never going to stop unless someone made him, that much was obvious now.
‘I don’t know. To the hospital first, the HR department, and then to the police if we have to. But we need to do something.’
‘You’re right.’ Danni nodded, placing a hand on her bump. This wasn’t just about her any more, or even Esther. She had a child to think of, and she wouldn’t let Lucas Newman spoil that. It was time to close the chapter on the past, once and for all, and if Lucas wasn’t prepared to let it go, they’d have to make him.
‘We’ll do it once I’m back at work.’
‘No.’ Danni’s response was resolute, and the shock on Esther’s face was obvious.
‘I thought you said?—’
Danni cut her off. ‘I just meant there’s no need to wait. I’ll do it on Monday. It’s time I stood up to him and took away the last bit of power he thinks he’s got over me.’
‘He’s never had anything over you, you’re far too brilliant for that.’ Esther planted a kiss on Danni’s cheek and hugged her again. Only letting go when her new husband called out.
‘Come on you two, you’re missing all the fun.’ Joe strode over towards them. ‘Amy is leading a rendition of Lijah Byrne’s latest number one: “That Woman’s My World”. She stormed the stage when the band started the song, and she grabbed the mic to tell everyone he wrote the song for her when they were still at school. I think she might regret all of this in the morning!’
‘She’s actually got a great voice.’ Charlie arrived behind Joe, moving forward to put his arm around Danni, and all the horror of Lucas’s sudden appearance began to fade away.
‘She has and an even bigger benefit is that it got our mother off her chair and onto the dancefloor. She actually looks like she’s enjoying herself.’ Joe smiled, and if it hurt him to think Nicola might be anything but happy at her son’s wedding, he didn’t show it, but Danni couldn’t help asking.
‘Does it ever bother you the way she is? It’s your wedding after all and your family should be making it special for you.’
‘You have.’ Joe dropped a kiss on her forehead and the feeling of belonging got even stronger. ‘As long as I’ve got you, I’ve got all the family that matters. Now let’s get back in there before we miss the finale of Amy’s performance; the sentiment of the song sits right for today.’
It was Danni’s turn to smile as Joe kissed his new wife on the lips. ‘That woman really is your world, big brother, and I couldn’t be happier for the two of you.’
‘And you’re mine.’ Charlie held her closer still, as they made their way into the marquee, just as Amy attempted to hit the highest note of the song. Danni had found her place in the world and there was no one she’d rather share her life with than the people she was surrounded by. Not even Lucas had been able to spoil that feeling, and she couldn’t imagine anything ever could.
Danni had barely seen her mother in hours, except from a distance. She’d spent a lot of the evening after Amy’s song on the dance floor with Paul, flailing her arms around and seeming not to care that she’d made herself the centre of attention. Yet when the toastmaster had asked, earlier in the day, when the main speeches were over, whether anyone else had something they wanted to share about the bride and groom, she’d been as quiet as a mouse. And, when Danni had looked over, her mother seemed to sink deeper into her chair, like a school kid desperately trying to avoid eye contact with the teacher. It had been left to Danni to represent their side of the family, and she hadn’t been able to stop herself from crying when she’d spoken about just how much Joe and Esther meant to her. Even then her mother had seemed unmoved and, when Danni had looked in her direction again, her face had been masklike. Even a casual observer would probably have reacted more to the speeches than Nicola had, but Danni hadn’t really expected anything else. So, when her mother grabbed hold of her elbow and pulled her into a quiet corner of the marquee, to tell her that she and Paul were heading off, the last thing Danni had envisaged was any kind of meaningful goodbye.
‘I’m glad you made it; I know it meant a lot to Joe.’ Danni gave her mother a perfunctory peck on the cheek. It was the kind of polite parting she might have had with a friend of a friend.
‘It was good to see you both.’
‘Was it?’ Danni hadn’t been able to stop herself from asking the question. Her mother hadn’t chosen to spend her time at the wedding with her children, but then it would probably have felt more uncomfortable if she had. This was their normal, after all.
‘Of course it was. You’ve both grown up to be people your father would have been very proud of.’ Nicola’s expression was still blank, like a very bad actor reading from a script she didn’t really understand.
‘But we don’t make you proud, do we?’
Nicola shook her head, although for the first time her masklike expression slipped, and she frowned. ‘I’ve got no right to claim any pride in you. None of what you’ve achieved is down to me. Any parental input came from your dad; he was always the nurturer when you were little, and you’re both far more like him than you are me. It’s only because of him that you got the education you had. He put money aside for it before we were even married. Having kids was one of the first things we talked about, and he was already planning for it.’
‘So, you wanted children then?’ Danni couldn’t keep the surprise out of her voice. She’d often wondered if Joe had come along by mistake, and then her mother had thought she might as well have a second, as much as anything to take the pressure off having to provide companionship for Joe. Or whether they’d both been mistakes. It was hard to believe Nicola had actively planned to become a parent, but she was nodding.
‘I wanted children because your father did, and because it was what everyone did back then. Both families assumed we would, and I lost count of how many times I was asked on our wedding day whether we’d be trying for a baby straight away. Even before I met your dad, and realised how desperate he was to be a father, I knew I’d have children at some point, because I didn’t think I had a choice. It’s not like now. Yes, there were a few people who were career driven and adamant they didn’t want kids, but I didn’t even have that reason. I just didn’t have those maternal feelings you were supposed to have. The few women who were honest about not wanting children were told they’d regret it, or that there must be something wrong with them. So, I went with the flow and hoped the feelings would come once you arrived.’
‘And did they?’ Danni was willing her mother to give even the slightest hint of a nod, but instead she shook her head, and the space in her chest that her mother’s love should have filled felt emptier than ever.
‘No.’ For a moment Nicola looked down at the floor, and then she met Danni’s gaze. ‘But I could see how incredibly happy being a father made your dad, and that made me happy in return. He was my world, and you two were his. I didn’t feel guilty about not feeling the way I should, because you had all the love you needed from him. And because of that I knew we’d muddle through okay, but then, when he died… I had no idea what to do with you.’
‘So, you sent us off to boarding school and tried to forget you even had us?’ Danni wrapped her arms around her bump. She couldn’t imagine anything happening that would ever make her send her child away. And as much as it hurt to hear her mother admitting how easy it had been for her, Danni wanted to at least try to understand.
‘I knew it would be better for you than staying with me. With your dad gone, I couldn’t keep up the pretence that I knew what I was doing, or that I was one day going to wake up and be the mother of the year.’ Nicola sounded as though she meant every word, and maybe she was right. Maybe the distance between her and her children really had been the best thing for all of them, despite how much they’d longed to go home. But there was something else Danni had to ask.
‘Do you regret having children?’ Danni had instigated the conversation, so she only had herself to blame for the way it was going, but once she’d started, she couldn’t stop. It was like a barely healed over scar that she didn’t seem able to resist ripping open.
‘Yes and no. I don’t regret having you, because you brought your father so much joy, and you’ve done a lot of good things that make the world a better place.’ Her mother’s eyes had gone glassy. It was like seeing a mannequin suddenly expressing emotion and Danni had to rub her own eyes to make sure she wasn’t imagining it. ‘But I regret becoming a mother; I was never up to the job. Mothers are supposed to love their children more than they love anything, or anyone, else. But I could never prioritise you in that way. Your father was always the most important person to me, and now it’s Paul. I don’t know, maybe there’s just something missing in me. Or maybe it’s just that there are some people, like me, who aren’t meant to be parents because they don’t want to be. That would have been fine if I’d followed my gut, but I didn’t. I should never have assumed those feelings would suddenly develop out of nowhere. If I was young now, I’d be honest with myself and everyone else, and say I don’t want to have children, because I’m not prepared to put them ahead of myself, or my partner. Choosing to become a parent, when I knew that, meant I dealt you and Joe a bad hand in life. I wasn’t a proper mother, in any true sense of the word, but I don’t regret having you, because raising two such accomplished children is probably the best thing I never did.’
It was a mic-drop moment and, if it had been a movie, the two of them would have hugged and cried, and told each other that this was the start of a whole new era in their relationship. Except Port Kara was a long way from Hollywood, and all Nicola did was give a small nod of her head, before turning her back on Danni and walking away. There were no promises to come and visit the baby, or to use his impending arrival as the chance to try again, and for Nicola to be a far better grandmother than she had been a mother. Yet somehow it was still enough. Knowing that Nicola’s parenting hadn’t been a reflection on her children, only on herself, turned out to be all Danni had needed to hear. And, even without the Hollywood ending, it was a life-changing moment.
It had been a beautiful wedding, but Wendy still found herself looking at her watch far more than she should have done. It had nothing to do with her being bored, and everything to do with worrying about how long she’d left Chloe on her own. Both of the girls were away in the camper at another music festival, which had been arranged months before, when the idea of Chloe coming to stay with them indefinitely would have felt as unlikely as Wendy being asked to join an astronaut training programme. She’d kept herself shut up in the spare room for the majority of time since leaving the hospital with Stan, Gary’s Border Terrier, the only company she seemed able to tolerate. But even though Chloe wasn’t interacting with them in a way that offered any reassurance that she was eventually going to be okay, at least Wendy could check on her. She was terrified she might do something stupid, and that included responding to Mike’s attempts to contact her. She’d been adamant at first that it was over, convinced that Mike had only ever proposed because she was pregnant. But the hurt and the loneliness made her vulnerable, something Wendy knew Mike was skilled at spotting. If he got through to Chloe at the right moment, there was a chance he could change her mind, and the thought of her going back to him made Wendy’s blood run cold.
‘Do you want to leave?’ Gary asked the question when he caught Wendy looking at her watch for the second time in the space of about two minutes.
‘No, don’t be silly, you’re having a great time.’
‘I’ve already had my great time. I’ve seen my two wonderful friends get married, eaten a fantastic meal, had a laugh with my mates, and best of all I’ve danced with the most beautiful woman in the room.’ Gary leant forward and kissed her briefly. ‘I’m ready to go home and I know you are. You’re not going to relax until you know Chloe is okay.’
‘I’m sorry, I must be driving you mad.’
‘It makes me love you even more. I’m not sure I could be nearly so charitable if Rachel’s new husband needed help.’ Gary pulled a face.
‘Me neither.’ Wendy had met him once, at Albert’s birthday party, and Rachel had definitely downgraded. He’d spent the whole afternoon talking about how much bonus he was going to earn, and what kind of car he was going to buy as a result. He was a boring arse, and she’d caught Rachel watching Gary a couple of times, the look of regret on her face painfully obvious. But Wendy never once had cause to wonder if Gary felt the same way that day. It was strange, having been cheated on by Mike, that her thoughts hadn’t immediately gone there. It was probably because Gary was so good at making her feel secure in his feelings for her, and it was another reason she found it easy to care about Chloe. Mike’s actions would have undermined whatever self-esteem she might once have had – Wendy knew that because she’d been there, and Chloe had no family support to help her build that back up. It had made Wendy realise just how lucky she was. ‘It’s different with Chloe, though, isn’t it? She didn’t get involved with Mike until long after we’d separated, and she’s been through a lot in life.’
‘I know, but she’s going to be okay.’ Gary squeezed her hand.
‘How can you be so sure?’ Wendy held her breath, hoping that whatever he said next would be able to convince her of that, because she really wanted it to be true.
‘Because she’s got you now.’ Taking hold of her hand, he stood up, gently pulling Wendy to her feet. ‘Let’s go home.’
‘You’ve got no idea how much I love you.’ She took a step towards him, holding his gaze.
‘If it’s even half as much as I love you, I’ll consider myself far luckier than I deserve to be.’ Gary smiled. ‘But today has made me realise something.’
‘What’s that?’
‘That I can’t wait for us to get married.’
‘Me neither.’ Wendy didn’t have a shred of doubt that it was what she wanted, but she also knew she couldn’t even think about it until Chloe was more settled. Luckily, she was engaged to the kindest and most patient man she’d ever met, and she was almost certain he’d understand. But getting Chloe to start taking steps towards a new life was a problem for another day. For now, Gary was right, all she wanted to do was get home and check on the young woman they’d taken into their home, and she was praying that the sense of foreboding that had plagued her all day would come to nothing.