Chapter 18
18
Danni’s last job before going on maternity leave was to glue together the eyebrow of a boy who’d had a somewhat over-enthusiastic conker fight with his sister. According to their mother, it had started off in a fairly civilised way but when Poppy had accidentally glanced the side of Roman’s face with her conker, he’d retaliated, and from that point on, an all-out war had ensued. The truce had only arrived when there was too much blood pouring into Roman’s eye for them to continue.
‘You’d imagine that at eight and ten I could take my eyes off them for a moment, wouldn’t you?’ Roman’s mother, Maxine, pulled a face. ‘I thought the days of me having to watch them like a hawk were over, but oh no, they can still get themselves into all kinds of trouble. You must think I’m a terrible mother.’
‘Far from it. You can’t watch them every second and, even if you did, accidents still happen.’ Danni had learnt not to judge most situations a long time ago. The majority of the time she could put herself in the shoes of the people she was helping. Only the week before she’d had a distraught couple in, new parents of a very colicky baby who barely seemed to sleep. The mum had already been up three times with the baby in the night, so her partner got up the fourth time and had taken the baby into the sitting room. He’d been up at 4a.m. the morning before, to start his shift as a delivery driver, so it was hardly a surprise that he’d dropped off with the baby in his arms. At some point the baby had slipped from his grip, sliding down his body and on to the floor, waking both of them up with an almighty scream. They’d been terrified at the harm that might have been caused to their little girl, and blaming themselves for something that could so easily happen in a tough situation, when exhaustion made it hard to think straight and the decision to just sit down on the sofa with the baby for a while seemed so obvious.
Danni did everything she could to reassure people in those sorts of situations that what had happened could happen to anyone. There were times when Danni did judge, however, and none more so than when parents deliberately hurt or neglected their children. It had always got to her, partly because without her father there was a chance her mother might have strayed from indifference to neglect. As much as Danni had hated boarding school, she suspected it was what had saved her and Joe from that. But the hardest part about dealing with cases like that was because innocent children had put their trust in someone who had let them down in the worst possible way. She’d wondered whether having a child of her own might heighten those already intense feelings, or if that might affect the way she did her job, but she couldn’t know that until it happened.
Thankfully the baby who’d slipped on to the floor had been absolutely fine. Her parents had taken her home after saying thank you about a hundred times, and pledging that they’d never, ever take the risk of falling asleep with her like that again, despite Danni’s reassurances that exhaustion was to blame and not them. She wouldn’t judge Maxine for her son having sustained an injury when the play fighting with his sister got out of hand either. This was parenting and she was going into it knowing there’d be hard bits and that she would undoubtedly make mistakes, but she still couldn’t wait for the biggest adventure of her life to start with Charlie by her side.
‘Well one thing I know is that I’ll be telling their father he was wrong. The banning of conker fights at school isn’t health and safety gone mad, there’s a very good reason for it and I’ll be banning them at my place from now on too. I don’t expect him to follow suit, but he can’t say I haven’t warned him. And he’ll be the one needing a wound glued if he lets the kids get blood on the carpets at his place. His new wife has got it right and puts him in his place when he needs it. She’s probably the one I should be speaking to if I want to make sure the kids are looked after properly.’ Maxine lowered her voice to almost a whisper, which Roman would have struggled to hear, even if he hadn’t been engrossed in playing a game on her phone, with his sister watching his every move. ‘I like her better than him anyway.’
Danni couldn’t suppress the smile that was tugging at the corners of her mouth. Maxine was clearly one of those people who said what she thought, and it could only be a good thing for the children that she seemed to have a positive relationship with their father’s new wife. It made her think of something else she’d wondered from time to time: what her father would have made of Paul, her mother’s new partner. He wasn’t an awful person, just equally as indifferent to Nicola’s children as she was. But then he’d never had any of his own and he was probably just following her lead. Danni and Joe were always treated politely, with the kind of cursory enquiry about their wellbeing that you might make to a casual acquaintance, but that was as far as the relationship went. When Richard had asked Danni if her stepfather would be giving her away at the wedding, she’d been confused for a moment about who he meant.
It wasn’t a role Paul held, even in name alone, because he and Nicola had never married, and her mother had made it clear why. When Danni had told her mum that she was engaged, Nicola’s response had been ‘What on earth for?’, and when Danni had said it was because she loved Charlie, she’d been rewarded with a speech about how traditional marriage ceremonies were outdated, and that she should consider a handfasting ceremony instead, which Paul had apparently performed several times for other couples. Her mother had revealed then that she and Paul had been through the ceremony, and that it had been a wonderful day, surrounded by their closest friends. Danni had been angry with herself, that she still allowed her mother’s actions to hurt, when nothing Nicola did should surprise her. Her mother did it in such a casual way, like she wasn’t even aware of it, but the revelation had still been like a physical blow. Nicola valued the circle of friends she had down in Bristol more than her own children, and Danni couldn’t pretend that wasn’t painful to discover that she and Joe had been sidelined once again. Although the conversation with her mother at Joe’s wedding had helped with those feelings. She knew now why Nicola was the way she was, and it was easier not to take her prioritising other things and other people so personally.
Danni already knew it would be different for her. She adored Joe, and she valued her friends too, some of whom couldn’t have meant more to her even if there had been blood ties between them. But the love she had for Charlie, and that they already shared for their unborn son, had a power like nothing she’d ever known before. She would never really understand her mother, but the best thing she could do for her own wellbeing was to accept that nothing she did was ever going to change the way Nicola felt.
‘Okay Roman, you’re all patched up and ready to go.’ Danni smiled as the young boy finally looked up from his phone. ‘You need to try not to touch the wound for at least the next twenty-four hours, and avoid getting it wet for five days.’
‘Does that mean I don’t have to have a wash?’ Roman’s face lit up and Danni couldn’t help laughing.
‘Not quite, but I’d suggest a bath rather than a shower, and it might be a good idea to carefully put a shower cap on and pull it down past where the wound is, just in case. Which means you’ll probably get away with not having to wash your hair for a few days.’ She winked and Roman let out an excited ‘woo hoo’ in response.
‘Thank you so much.’ Maxine touched her arm briefly. ‘You certainly know how to handle children and your little one is going to be very lucky to have you.’
‘That’s really lovely of you to say, thank you.’ Danni opened the door of the consulting room. ‘Enjoy the rest of your day, and maybe stay away from conkers from now on.’
‘Oh, they will be, don’t you worry!’ Maxine ushered the children out of the room and, as Danni closed the door behind them, she took a deep breath. The next time she was on duty, she’d be returning to work after her maternity leave. She just hoped in the meantime she could prove Maxine right, and be the best possible mum she could be to the son she couldn’t wait to meet.
Danni had specified that she didn’t want a big send-off. So, when Esther had suggested they go for a coffee and cake at The Cookie Jar café in Port Agnes, as a low-key way to mark her last day at work, it had sounded ideal. Anything more than that and she was worried the emotion of it might get to her. It was silly really, she’d be able to see her friends on a regular basis and she knew they’d all still be there for her, but it wouldn’t be the same. These were the people who’d got her through one of the toughest periods in her life, and they’d also been there when she’d found the sort of happiness she’d never really believed she deserved. It would be weird going into this next phase of her life without having them around every step of the way.
‘Do you think they’ll have any of that pistachio cake?’ Danni had thought about the cake she’d had on a recent visit to The Cookie Jar far more often than was probably acceptable. If she closed her eyes and concentrated hard enough, she could almost taste it. But not quite. The idea of getting there and discovering they’d sold out for the day was something she might have to steel herself for. Given that they were going at almost closing time, it was almost certain that the best stuff would be long gone.
‘When I called them to ask if they were still doing late closing on a Friday, Sandy did mention they’d be getting a delivery of cakes from Mehenick’s tonight, ready for the weekend, so your luck might just be in.’ Esther grinned as she pulled into a space two roads away from The Cookie Jar. Mehenick’s Bakery on the harbour in Port Agnes was run by Jago and Ruth, who were Ella’s parents, one of the local midwives, and the bakery was renowned throughout Cornwall and beyond. Despite Mehenick’s having its own small coffee shop, it was Jago who made quite a lot of the items sold in The Cookie Jar, and it would have been no surprise to learn that the pistachio cake was one of his creations. ‘By the way, what was the verdict on whether you could consider giving birth at the midwifery unit?’
‘Not recommended.’ Danni hauled herself out of Esther’s car as she spoke. It was getting harder and harder to get out of a low seat without looking a bit like a beetle stuck on its back. ‘I’m just too damn old apparently, and because we’ve had a few incidents of low foetal movement, they think I should err on the side of caution.’
‘And don’t forget you can get much stronger drugs in the hospital!’ Esther laughed. ‘If I ever have a baby, I think I’d like to be numbed from the neck down and woken up when it’s all over.’
‘You’ll be amazing, if the time comes. You might not be the tallest person I know, but you are the toughest.’ Danni had seen Esther go through things that would break most people. The worst of which was when a former patient who’d developed an obsession with her had abducted her. Danni had been worried that the experience might fundamentally change who her friend was, and she’d have understood if it had. She’d also have understood if Esther hadn’t felt able to go back to nursing, even though that would have been an awful loss to the medical profession. To Danni’s huge relief, Esther bounced back in a way no one had believed possible, and Danni admired her so much for how she’d dealt with it. She had no doubt Esther could handle everything that motherhood threw at her, she just hadn’t dared hope that children might be on the agenda for her best friend any time soon. She was seven years younger than Danni, which meant there was less pressure in some ways, but Joe was almost forty, so it wouldn’t have been a surprise if it was something he’d started to think about. Despite promising herself from the moment Esther and Joe got engaged that she wouldn’t ask, somehow, on the short walk to the café, she couldn’t help herself.
‘So, is it something you and Joe have talked about? Starting a family I mean.’
‘It would have been a bit crazy of us to get married without talking it through.’ Esther grinned. ‘And, yes, we both want kids. But we want to find the right house and have a few adventures together first. There’s no rush.’
‘Of course not.’ It wasn’t fair for Danni to feel even a little bit disappointed that she and Esther wouldn’t be embarking on motherhood at the same time, but she still wished they would be.
‘The upside is, me and Joe will be able to get tonnes of practice with our little nephew, whenever you and Charlie need a bit of time to yourselves. That way, I’ll be ready to have my first baby by the time you’re having your second.’
‘Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. I think we should see how I do with number one first!’ Danni laughed, but the frisson of fear that she’d been working so hard to push down suddenly fizzed in her stomach again.
‘Okay, no pressure; for now at least.’ Esther grinned again and hooked an arm through Danni’s as they walked the final stretch towards the café. Then Esther let go, moving ahead of her. ‘Let me get the door.’
‘Surprise!’ The chorus went up almost before the door was fully open, and Danni’s hand flew to her mouth, half in shock and half to stop herself swearing. All of her closest friends from the hospital were there, and there was a table laden with what looked to be all her favourite foods. Right in the middle was a huge pistachio cake, with her name and the words ‘World’s Best Doctor’ piped on the top.
‘We said no grand gestures!’ Danni looked at Esther for a moment, who gave an apologetic shrug.
‘You didn’t think I was going to let my best friend go without a proper send-off, did you?’
‘I guess I should have known.’ Danni hugged her. ‘Thank you so much.’
‘As lovely as this display of affection is,’ Aidan called over from the far end of the table, ‘there’s literally a cake with your name on it waiting to be eaten, and there are at least seven sausage rolls with my name on them too.’
‘I think you might have some competition on that front. I’ve seen how much food the A she needs help, but that’s not it.’
Wendy caught her breath. Zara was still her little girl in some ways, even at seventeen, but at that moment she seemed older and wiser than Wendy had ever felt. ‘I know you’re right, but we’re really worried about her.’
‘I am too and it’s weird because she was the one who helped me.’ Zara swallowed so hard it was audible. ‘She noticed I was skipping meals, and telling you and Dad that I’d already eaten, when it was obvious to her that I hadn’t. Clo told me that she went through the same as a teenager. I denied it at first, but I started to talk to her about it a lot more a few weeks before Beau died.’
‘Oh sweetheart.’ Wendy wanted to tell Zara that she’d known too, and that she’d even talked to Chloe about it, but that would just have muddied the waters and this wasn’t about her. It must have been huge for Zara to admit this, and it was clear she’d done it out of her own concern for Chloe. So, if Wendy really wanted to help both of them, she had to avoid saying anything that would make Zara shut down again. ‘Is there anything you can think of that she said, which might help us to support her?’
‘It’s not about the food, it’s about having something you can control. When I talked to her about it, I realised that was something we had in common. She was struggling at home when she stopped eating as a teenager…’ Zara looked at her mother again, and it was as if Wendy had been punched in the gut.
‘And you were too?’ She was desperate not to cry, or to put her own feelings at the centre of all of this, but the tears welling up in her eyes were completely out of her control. She’d cried more in the last few weeks than she could ever remember doing in her life, even when Mike had left, but her heart felt like it had been broken over and over again just lately.
‘I wasn’t struggling here, with you and Gary. But with Dad, it was like he’d forgotten I existed most of the time, once he’d left, and I don’t think me and Alice would have seen anything of him if it hadn’t been for Clo. I couldn’t do anything about how he was acting, and it made me feel useless, like I didn’t have any control over a huge part of my own life.’ The maturity in Zara’s words was breathtaking, and Wendy knew that a lot of that must have come from her daughter’s conversations with Chloe. They had a shared experience which had allowed Zara to gain more insight than Wendy could ever have given her, but it turned out there was more to come. ‘The only thing I could control was what I was eating, but I didn’t even realise that’s why I was doing it, until Clo told me that she’d done it too. It was because of her that I agreed to go to the support group at the hospital.’
‘I had no idea you were going.’ A few weeks before, this revelation would almost certainly have angered Wendy; the idea that Chloe would overstep the mark like that and not even tell Wendy what was going on, acting like she was Zara’s mother instead. But all Wendy felt now was an overwhelming gratitude towards Chloe, and another one of those waves of affection for her crashed over Wendy like a tsunami.
‘I didn’t want to worry you, and I’ve been making progress.’ Zara straightened her shoulders. ‘It’s not a quick fix, the counsellor told us that and Clo knows it too. Things can trigger an eating disorder and make it come back, and I think that’s what’s happening to her. So the best way I can think of to help her, is to tell her I need her to come with me to the support group and that I can’t face going any more if she doesn’t. She offered before, but I wanted to go by myself. I’ll just tell her I’ve changed my mind and that I’m struggling doing it on my own.’
‘Do you think she’ll go for it?’ Wendy held her breath, until her daughter nodded. ‘I’m so proud of you, sweetheart, you do know that, don’t you?’
‘I always have.’ Zara suddenly closed the gap between them, wrapping her arms around her mother. ‘I’m so lucky I’ve got you and Gary, but Clo hasn’t really got anyone.’
‘Yes she has, she’s got all of us and we’ll do whatever it takes to help her get well again.’ Gary’s tone was resolute, as he put his arms around the two of them. Chloe might not realise it yet, but she had a family now who weren’t going to give up on her. Wendy just hoped that Zara’s hunch was right, and that they already held the key to getting her the help she so badly needed, because the alternative was too scary to even think about.