Chapter 19
19
Wendy had done her best to back off from trying to fix Chloe’s relationship with food, since Zara had made her realise it went way beyond her skill set, and that her eating disorder was so deeply embedded she needed the kind of professional help the support group could offer. But that still didn’t make it possible to stop worrying about Chloe almost constantly. She seemed glued to her phone a lot of the time and, when Wendy had gently suggested that a walk on the beach and a break from her phone might be good for her, she’d reluctantly agreed, but only if Wendy went with her. She’d said she couldn’t do it alone and that just the thought of being outside by herself made her feel panicky. Wendy had been more than happy to accompany her and, in the research she’d done about how best to support Chloe, panic attacks were listed as a fairly common response to the kind of trauma she’d been through. So the last thing she wanted was to push Chloe too hard. Thankfully being out on the beach had seemed to be doing her some good, but less than ten minutes into the walk she’d started to get twitchy.
‘I wish I’d brought my phone.’ Chloe had started pulling at her clothes as she spoke, and moving in the kind of jerky way that suggested she couldn’t have kept still even if she’d wanted to, almost like an addict waiting for their next fix. The moment they’d got home, she’d grabbed her phone, frantically scrolling like her life depended on it.
‘Are you messaging Mike?’ Wendy had tried to keep her tone level, doing her best not to sound like she was making a judgement. It would hardly have been surprising if Chloe was talking to him. There was a funeral to arrange for Beau after all, but whenever Wendy had tried to broach the subject with Chloe, she’d just said she wasn’t ready. Wendy understood why she couldn’t face saying her final goodbyes to her baby, but Chloe couldn’t put it off indefinitely. If she didn’t organise a funeral herself, Beau would be cremated without her even being there. Talking to Mike about that might even have helped her feel ready, but what worried Wendy was if Chloe was talking to him for other reasons, especially if that meant she might end up back with him. Chloe deserved so much more than he could offer her, but Mike was excellent at playing on people’s deepest fears and insecurities to get what he wanted, all of which could make talking to him a recipe for disaster.
But Chloe’s response to Wendy’s question had been determined. ‘I never want to talk to him again.’
She hadn’t doubted for a moment that Chloe meant what she said, relief washing over her that Mike hadn’t managed to manipulate the situation. ‘I’m spending a lot of time on a forum for women who’ve suffered a stillbirth or neonatal loss, that’s all. It’s really helping me to talk to other people who’ve been through something similar. If I’m honest, it’s the only thing getting me through the days right now.’
Chloe’s eyes had filled with tears then, and Wendy had wrapped her arms around her, as relief flooded through her again. At least she was talking to people who understood, and like the eating disorders support group she’d turned to for help, that understanding was what Chloe needed more than anything right now. Wendy had tried not to worry after that about just how much time Chloe spent on her phone, and how disengaged she was from everyone and everything else. But there was still a nagging feeling inside of her that there must be something more she could do.
Wendy had been at the latest get-together of the Miss Adventures club for all of about fifteen minutes, before she’d asked the others for advice.
‘How do you support the women you care for when they’ve lost a baby?’ She blurted the question out to Frankie, just as the waiter who’d brought over their tray of drinks disappeared from view. They were at a new cocktail bar in Port Tremellien, Merlin’s Cauldron, where all the drinks came with some kind of special effect, from glowing, to smoking, and even changing colour. When Caroline had suggested they give it a go, it was the kind of adventure that had been easy for Wendy to get on board with.
‘Not the sort of question I was expecting over a smoked Old Fashioned.’ Frankie frowned. ‘But I’ve been thinking about Chloe a lot too.’
Wendy’s friends knew about what had happened, and the fact that she and Gary had invited Chloe to live with them until she decided what was next for her, but this was the first time Wendy had seen them in person since Beau had died. ‘On the outside she probably looks like she’s doing really well. The crying finally seems to have stopped and she’s getting support from a group of other women online who’ve been through a similar loss. But she’s barely eating, and she won’t talk about a funeral for Beau. I don’t want to push her so hard that she feels like she wants to get away from us, but she needs to start making some decisions about Beau’s funeral soon.’
‘That poor girl. It was hard enough letting go of Charlie, when I made the decision for him to be adopted, but I can’t even imagine what it’s like for Chloe to have to think about saying goodbye to her baby.’ Connie shook her head, and Wendy’s heart ached for her too. So many women had to go through pain and loss as mothers, and those were things they couldn’t ever fully recover from. But Connie had found a way to live her life without Charlie and, even though the circumstances were completely different, there had to be hope for Chloe too.
‘It’s so difficult to know how to help, but one thing I’d say, and I’m pretty sure that Gwen would too, is don’t try to force Chloe to see too far into the future until she’s ready, even if you’re trying to get her to think positively.’ Frankie exchanged a look with Gwen, who nodded. ‘You’re going to want to try to fix this. That’s what women do, especially mums like us. I’m sure you’d never do this, but saying things like “at least you’re still young”, or “you’ve got plenty of time to try again” won’t help, it’ll just make Chloe feel as if the loss of Beau is being minimised.’
‘Frankie’s right, nothing can make this better.’ Gwen shook her head. ‘So, you can’t try to achieve that; instead you just need to listen when Chloe wants to talk. Saying Beau’s name is something else that’s important. The woman I’ve worked with over the years, who’ve lost a baby, have often told me that one of the things that hurts the most is people acting like their child never existed. Chloe needs to know she’s not the only one thinking about him and wishing he was still here. I’m sure Alice and Zara can help a lot with that too.’
‘They’ve been great, especially Zara, because she’s home with us all the time, and she’s even managed to persuade Chloe to get some support for her issues with food, which seem to have come back since she lost Beau.’ Wendy reached out for her glass. It was reassuring to hear they’d taken the right approach so far, but she still had no idea how to get Chloe to think about arranging a funeral. ‘Beau’s at the hospital, but if Chloe doesn’t make some decisions soon, I’m worried they’ll go ahead and arrange a cremation without her.’
‘Has she spoken to Issy?’ Frankie looked at Wendy as she spoke.
‘I don’t think so, why?’ Issy was one of the team from the Port Agnes midwifery unit where Frankie worked. She also spent part of her week as a midwife within the hospital’s maternity department. It was a role some of the midwives decided to take on when St Piran’s first opened, so that they could care for a wider range of women with differing needs which couldn’t all be accommodated at the unit.
‘She’s the lead midwife for the hospital’s maternity bereavement service, and she offers help and advice to patients who’ve been through a stillbirth. It helps that she’s married to Noah, the vicar at St Jude’s, if the parents are thinking about a church service.’
‘I think it would be really good for her to do that.’ Wendy just hoped it was something she could persuade Chloe to consider.
‘The only thing that might make it even tougher, is that Issy is quite heavily pregnant herself at the moment.’ Caroline bit her lip. ‘She was chatting to Danni at Esther’s wedding rehearsal, and her bump was obvious to me then. I know Chloe can’t avoid seeing other pregnant women, but I’m guessing that would make the conversation even harder for both of them.’
‘Good point and I haven’t asked Issy how she’s handling the role while she’s pregnant herself.’ Frankie sighed. ‘It might be that she isn’t doing the face-to-face sessions at the moment, but I can certainly check if you want me to? And Issy will be able to recommend someone else if not.’
‘That would be great, thank you.’ Wendy took a sip of the cocktail she’d ordered, which was a marbled combination of purple, green and blue that gave the drink its name of Mermaid’s Tail. It would be good to put Chloe in touch with a professional who could talk to her about Beau’s funeral arrangements, so that Wendy could follow her friends’ advice and just be there to listen when Chloe was ready to talk. She couldn’t fix this, no matter how instinctive it was for her to want to make things right for Chloe. All she could do was continue providing the safety net that she and Gary had willingly offered, and which would be there for Chloe for as long as she needed it.
Wendy had asked her friends whether they thought she should go ahead with hosting the bonfire night get-together that she and Gary had planned in lieu of throwing an engagement party. Their response had been a resounding yes, and she’d been ready to explain that she’d understand if Chloe didn’t feel up to being sociable. As it was, Chloe had seemed excited about the idea and had admitted to Wendy and Zara that she’d never been taken to a bonfire night celebration as a child, at least not after her mother had died. When Zara had talked about the idea of making a Guy for the bonfire, Chloe had put down her phone and asked if she could join in. Wendy hadn’t been able to suppress a smile when she’d seen the finished results, and Gary had picked up on the reason for her amusement straight away.
‘Is it just me, or does that Guy bear more than a passing resemblance to Mike?’ He’d laughed as Chloe and Zara had trundled past, with their creation in a wheelbarrow, heading towards the unlit bonfire.
‘It’s not just you.’ She’d laughed too, and she’d begun to allow herself to feel much more hopeful about how Chloe was doing. Two hours later the party was in full swing, and the weather had been kind to them. It was a clear, crisp night, but the now raging bonfire made it possible for the guests to spend the evening in the garden, and the baked potatoes, sausages, and spiced rum punch were all helping to keep everyone warm too.
‘Well, if this is what you guys do for a bonfire night party, I cannot wait to see the wedding.’ Danni smiled as Wendy came to join the group from A Drew was a lovely lad and the whole family had gone above and beyond to make Chloe feel welcome. But whatever it was that was making her smile, Wendy was just glad to see it. Mike had been responsible for so much pain over the years, and Chloe deserved to find true happiness, whether that was with someone else, or because she realised it was every bit as possible to love being single. Either way, Wendy just hoped that Chloe knew she had a family now, and that she didn’t need to settle for anything less than the best, if she did eventually embark upon another relationship.