Chapter 16
“Paris is coming over to play tomorrow,” Sophie said, bouncing in her seat at the dinner table.
I’d been dazed in the hours since leaving Ben’s office and was finally shaken from my thoughts. I raised an eyebrow at her.
“Excuse me, ma’am?”
Sophie rolled her eyes but obediently followed with, “May Paris come over to play tomorrow, please?”
“I don’t know, pea. It’s short notice and she might not be able to come.”
“I already asked her and she’s free.” She at least had the decency to look sheepish when she caught my flat stare. “Sorry, Mom. I won’t do it again without talking to you first.”
I knew it was a lie, but I smiled and thanked her anyway.
“She gave me her dad’s number, so here it is. Can you call him, so he knows, too?”
A groan fought to escape my throat. I already had his number, just like he had mine, and I knew he was going to have a field day with this. This was the second time we had talked about Paris’s dad, but there had been no mention of her mom. Why couldn’t it have been her mom?
“Fine. I’ll call him after dinner.”
The phone rang once, twice, a third time, and I was just starting to wonder if my luck was changing when the line clicked on.
“I knew you would reach out, but I’ll admit I didn’t think you would cave this quickly.” The smile in his voice came down the line.
My stomach flipped. “This call has nothing to do with us.”
“So there is an ‘us.’” He laughed, and butterflies took off inside me.
“Shut up. You know what I mean. Sophie wants Paris to come over tomorrow to play. Apparently, they sorted out all the details themselves at school today.”
“Paris has a soccer game in the morning, but we can come over in the early afternoon.” He put a strong emphasis on we.
“Oh, I wouldn’t want to trouble you. You can drop Paris off, and I’ll keep a close eye on her.”
“I have a rule. I have to be there the first time Paris goes to a friend’s house. Have to make sure the family isn’t sketchy, you know? And since she doesn’t know how close we are”—he paused significantly, fighting off a laugh—“I figure I can’t make an exception.”
I fidgeted in the following silence, running through solutions and coming up with nothing. “Fine. Be here at twelve. I’ll text you the address.”
“Looking forward to it.”
I paced the length of my small living room a half dozen times before I came up with a plan to put some distance between me and Ben. “Clara, do you want to invite Olivia and Autumn over tomorrow? We can invite their parents and do a whole cookout.”
“Yes, please!” She snagged my phone from my hand and started her calls before the words left her mouth. Half an hour later, the other two families were on board and we had sorted out food.
Juliana: Our address is 342 Pine Drive
Ben: That’s less than 5 minutes away from us
Five minutes. He was so close, I probably ran by his house regularly. My stomach churned as I thought about how quickly I could get there now. To jog past in one of those running outfits he seemed to like so much and enjoy the tortured look on his face.
Damnit. No .
Juliana: Okay, well, we will see you at 12. Bring enough chips and dip for a dozen people.
Ben: Was this always a party, or do you not trust yourself around me and called in reinforcements?
Juliana: It was always a party. There is no reason for me not to trust myself.
Ben: Because you’re ready to admit the hookup in my office means you have feelings for me?
Juliana: OMG, delete that! If one of the girls sees that text and Sophie asks me to explain what a hookup is, I’m going to kill you.
Ben: That wasn’t a no.
Juliana: Stop. 12 pm.
Ben: See you then, baby.
Juliana: I’m never speaking to you again.
Ben: Sure, you’re not. Talk to you later.
I read through the conversation again, gifting myself one smile before swiping to delete the evidence.
I told myself it was done, but it didn’t stop me from dreaming about him again.
I was up at 6 A.M. on a Saturday, cursing myself for deciding to host three other families for a barbecue with only a half day’s notice.
With a Clorox spray in one hand and a rag in the other, I obsessively checked and rechecked each surface of my house before wrestling the mop out of the closet. With so little free time, my house was never as clean as I wanted it to be. We were used to the mess, but I would be damned if I’d let other families see it that way.
The vacuum started at seven, and both girls came stumbling out of their room, groaning about it being too early.
I called to them over the roar. “If you’re so upset, you shouldn’t invite people over to the house at the last minute. Or you could, you know, help your mother keep the place clean?”
They rolled their eyes simultaneously, like little carbon copies of each other, before heading back into their room.
House cleaned, kids dressed, and grocery shopping list made, our little trio loaded up in the car to head to Clara’s soccer game. I was unpacking the car when I spotted Asia and Dani crossing the parking lot.
My eyes filled with tears when they stopped in front of me. “You showed up.”
Asia blinked her own tears back. “Of course, I did. Clara expects us, and I’ll always show up for her.”
“And me,” I said.
“Yeah, when you’re not being a jackass.”
I let out a teary laugh. I’d missed her so much this week. “I’m so sorry, Asia. I’ve wanted to call you but chickened out every time. You were right. I was a total ass, and you didn’t deserve to deal with any of that.”
“I don’t want to be in the middle of it,” she said.
“I know.”
“I’m not choosing. Y’all need to figure this out on your own.”
“I know,” I said again. “I’m sorry.”
She smiled that beautiful smile of hers, and my folding chair and cooler clattered on the ground as I dropped them to wrap my arms around her.
“This is lovely and all,” Dani said beside us, “but if we don’t get moving, we’re going to get one of the shit spots.”
Asia and I laughed into each other’s necks before letting go. We had just settled into our folding chairs next to the field when I saw Olivia’s and Autumn’s moms making their way over to us. Both dressed in their classic lululemon gear, their matching long brown hair up in high ponytails, and their makeup more well done for a Saturday morning kids’ soccer game than mine was for work.
I suppressed a sigh. They were nice, but they were so disconnected from my life now, and it felt like work to talk to them. I questioned for the hundredth time this morning why I invited them today instead of putting up with Ben by myself. Katie, Olivia’s mom, squealed as she threw her arms around my shoulders.
“Juliana, we are so excited to come over today! It’s been too long since you hosted one of your little barbecues.”
I glanced at Asia and Dani and saw raised eyebrows. Where’s our invitation?
“Hi Katie, Morgan. It’s great to see you. Yeah, it’s going to be fun today. You remember my friends, Dani and Asia?”
“Oh, of course. It’s great to see you two. How is…” She trailed off, clearly trying to think of a topic of conversation that didn’t revolve around kids and coming up short. “… work? How’s work?”
Asia tried to hide her laughter. Dani gave her best fake smile.
“Work is good.”
Katie and Morgan turned their attention back to me. “So who all is coming?”
“Just your families, plus Sophie’s best friend, Paris, and her dad.” Dani choked on her water next to us, coughing and hitting her chest.
“Her mom can’t make it?”
“Um, I’m not sure what the deal is with her mom, but it’ll just be her dad today.” I didn’t want to speculate about Ben’s private life. I mean, I might privately speculate about Ben’s love life and Paris’s mother, but I didn’t want to do it with them.
Katie and Morgan shared a look that said they would very much like to speculate, so I cut off their next line of questioning by turning my back on them and toward the game.
After they walked back to their husbands, I turned to my friends with pleading eyes. “Please come today.” Asia stared at me for a second before busting out laughing.
“I love you, honey, but the last thing I want for my Saturday is to be stuck with women who can’t carry on a conversation that doesn’t have to do with their kids, while you try to avoid the fact you slept with Ben.”
“I’m sorry, WHAT?” Dani screamed, drawing attention from the parents and even a few of the players out on the field. I shushed her, waving awkwardly at the other parents. “First: finally. Second: I can’t believe you told her and didn’t tell me.”
“You know I didn’t tell her because we weren’t talking, so stop freaking out. I’m not the one with the big mouth.”
“The real question of the day is does he have a big d—”
I cut her off. “Oh my god, psycho! We’re at a children’s soccer game!”
“Fine, let’s make a deal. I won’t finish my sentence, but you have to answer it.” Her smile was wicked.
“It all progressed fast, so I didn’t get a good look.” It was a shame. I should have taken my time with him if it was my only chance. “But…”
“But…?” Dani and Asia said at the same time.
I chewed on my lip as I picked at a piece of imaginary lint. “I did get a good feel.”
Dani clapped her hands. “I knew it! He has total BDE.”
“God, this is a mess. What am I going to do?” I dropped my head into my hands.
Asia sobered up a bit at my desperation. She ran her hand up and down my back. “He is an amazing guy, Juliana. I know this is the first time you’ve had feelings for someone since you lost Jason. I don’t want you to miss out on something special, but please don’t hurt him, either. He’s been through a lot.”
I looked over at her. Her light brown eyes were swimming with a sadness I didn’t understand. I wished, like many times before, that she wasn’t so damn loyal and more willing to share his secrets.
“Been through wha—?” I started to ask.
“No,” Asia said firmly, and I felt guilty for doing what I’d just promised her I would stop doing. “I hope you two sort everything out, but I refuse to be a go-between. I’m not going to risk ruining my relationship with either of you, and if you can’t figure it out on your own, it wasn’t meant to be to begin with.”
Dani had gone suspiciously quiet, her nose buried in her phone.
“I swear to god, Danielle Taylor, if you are texting people about this, I will murder you,” I said.
“I’m not texting.” Her eyes flicked back and forth between me and her phone.
“Then what are you doing?”
“Thinking.”
“Helpful. Thinking about what? I don’t trust any of what’s going on over there.”
“I find your lack of faith disturbing.”
“Don’t try to distract me with Star Wars references.” I fought the quirk in my lip when she sighed dramatically.
“Fine. I’m trying to figure out which one of you I’m more jealous of.”
She turned her phone toward me, showing off a picture of Ben. I recognized the pool from Dani’s apartment complex. The decorations in the background told me it was from her birthday party this past summer, which we missed because my sister was visiting. How different would things have been if I’d learned about Paris back then? Would I have been more open-minded without the confusing changes to our relationship muddying the water? Or would I have been even less understanding, ready to jump to the worst possible conclusion about him?
Ben had his arm around Paris and was smiling at the camera while she looked up at him like he hung the moon. And he was shirtless. The picture cut off before the phenomenal abs I glimpsed at the Mud Walk, but the tempting tuft of hair in the middle of his chest was on full display. I groaned.
“See?” Dani said. “That’s the challenge. You’re both gorgeous and fun. But he’s also got the sexy single-dad thing going on.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I replied. “Single dads are hot and single moms are a hassle. We’ve all read the romance novels, Dani.”
She leaned over to boop my nose. “You’re not a hassle. But I still can’t decide who’s the better catch. I think it’s too close to call.”
Asia patted my arm. “Juliana, obviously.”
“Thanks, babe,” I replied, and she blew me a kiss.
Dani rolled her eyes. “Don’t trust her. She hates conflict. She’d have said Ben if he was the one here.”
“Screw you.” I smacked her on the shoulder and refocused on the game, lighter than I had been since I stepped out of Ben’s office the day before.
But Asia’s comment about how Ben had been through a lot kept coming back to me. I obsessed over it while we loaded up the car. It kept pushing its way back in while we made our way through the grocery store, gathering everything we needed for the barbecue. I analyzed it on repeat as I set up the folding tables in the backyard and laid everything out.
I tried to shake off my funk, looking over everything before our guests arrived. The house was tiny, but the saving grace was the huge backyard. It was large enough to fit the oversize play set Jason and I had gotten the girls the Christmas before he passed away. It had cost more money than I had to spare to break it down and move it here, but the girls loved it and I couldn’t take away the last thing their dad gave them.
Huge oak trees, dripping with Spanish moss, shaded most of the backyard, making it comfortable all year round. I set the food table up in the shade and pulled out folding chairs, settling them in the sun for us thin-blooded Floridians who considered the seventy-five-degree weather chilly. When we downsized, I had sold a lot of the things we used to entertain. There wasn’t enough room in the house for themed serveware for each season, and I looked over the disposable food trays with the same critical eye I knew Katie and Morgan would use. Where was the adorable matching spring serveware when you needed it?
“Everything looks great,” a low voice said behind me. I shivered, and warmth rushed through my body as I turned to see Ben up on the back porch. “Sorry if I startled you. Sophie let us in.”
I continued to watch him, in awe of how he could make a pair of khaki shorts and T-shirt look so incredible. His hair was more casually styled than I saw at work, and it gave him an almost boyish quality, contradicted by the powerful muscles trying to break out of his T-shirt. Before I could stop myself, my eyes swept his body, taking it all in and remembering how it felt pushed up against my back. Ben stood still, not speaking, while letting me blatantly ogle him. When I made my way back up to his face, there was a small smile on his lips. His eyes were lit with affection, turning his dark brown eyes molten.
“It’s good to see you, too.”
I shook my head to clear it.
“Hey.” I chastised myself for not thinking of something cleverer. His smile widened at my speechlessness, but he let it pass without commenting for once.
He jogged down the handful of steps at the back of the porch, like he was too eager to reach me to walk. Halfway to me, he pulled up short, eyeing the kids chairs I’d set up with their own little table.
He tapped his index finger on the one closest to him, a bright floral folding chair. “This looks familiar.”
I swallowed back my laugh, blinking my eyes at him like an innocent doe. “Does Paris have it, too?”
We both knew exactly where he’d seen it. After his particularly childish prank of slipping me the salt instead of the sugar, which ended with coffee spit out all over the conference-room table, I figured if he wanted to act like a child, I’d treat him like one.
I’d snuck into his office while he was in another meeting, hiding both his nice office chair and his drafting chair in the break room and leaving that little one, an explosion of neon and flowers, behind his desk, with a note saying, Thought this might be more comfortable for you than that big-boy chair.
He’d come to my office, leaning on the doorframe with the chair hanging from two fingers in a pose that should not have been as appealing as it was. I’d adamantly denied that it was mine, but I offered to get rid of it for him. Because I was generous like that.
Ben ran his eyes around my backyard like he was searching for additional proof of my sabotage now that he’d been given access to enemy territory. Then he tsk ed, his eyes dancing. “Nope, we don’t own it. Must have been somewhere else.”
“Strange,” I said with a giant smile, and Ben laughed, loud and unencumbered. It was concerning, how much I liked the sound.
He moved next to me to arrange his chips and dips on the table, while I fiddled with the plates. He let his hand drift over mine each time he reached for a bag. I sent him a bemused look, but he gave me a self-pleased smile and kept setting up. On the last bag, he let his hand linger, running his fingertips lightly up my palm and tracing circles around the sensitive skin at my wrist.
“Juliana—”
“This house is so charming,” came a shrill voice from behind me, and I nearly jumped out of my skin to put some distance between us. Katie had arrived. Her squeals filled the backyard as she took everything in. She had been to our old house several times, but this was my first time inviting her here.
When we moved, I wanted to keep my kids in the same school. After losing their dad, ripping them away from their school and friends seemed like more than they could handle. The only thing we could afford in their same school zone was a little bungalow a third of the size of our old house. I couldn’t tell if Katie’s comments were genuine or passive-aggressive, but they hit me in a sensitive spot. I faked a smile and caught Ben watching me.
His voice dropped low, for my ears only, while Katie made her way over. “It is, you know. Charming. You’ve made this house a home.”
I held his gaze and was shocked to realize I believed him. For the first time in our relationship, I didn’t assume he was trying to undermine or tease me. It felt right.
“So this is the single dad. You didn’t mention he was so handsome.” Katie eyed Ben in a way that made my blood boil as she walked over.
“I’m Ben Thomas. It’s nice to meet you.” He reached out for a formal handshake.
“Katie Tran. My husband, Minh, is around here somewhere.” She followed the comment up with a dismissive wave. I tried not to roll my eyes. Katie and Minh were extremely happy, and the only explanation was that Ben’s attractiveness made her brain short-circuit.
We’ve all been there, sister.
Morgan squealed from the porch as she rushed down the steps to give us both hugs. “Friends! It’s been years since we were all together for something like this!” She turned to introduce herself to Ben and stopped short, her eyes going wide. I couldn’t stop the laugh that boiled up.
“Morgan, this is Ben. His daughter, Paris, is friends with Sophie.”
“Nice to meet you, Morgan.” Morgan murmured something that could have been hello while her skin turned from pale white to pink to tomato red. Morgan’s husband, Kevin, and Minh made their way down the steps.
“Where’s your wife?” Kevin asked as the introductions continued being made. Ben stiffened beside me.
I held my breath. Was I about to get the answers to the questions Asia wouldn’t answer? The ones I hadn’t worked up the nerve to ask Ben myself?
“No wife. It’s just me and Paris.” His tone made it clear the topic wasn’t up for further discussion, and I deflated just a bit.
“Well, it keeps the numbers even,” Katie said brightly. “I brought cornhole. We can have a little tournament.”
I excused myself to grab a beer from the refrigerator. The women flew in on my heels.
Katie threw herself against the countertop. “Where the hell have you been hiding him?”
“I literally couldn’t form a sentence when he looked at me.” I tried to swallow my laugh at Morgan’s dejected face, but it burst free.
“I haven’t been hiding him. This is the first time he’s even been here.”
“You just met him?” Morgan asked. “How are you even functioning right now?”
“No, she’s been stuck with me for years.” I turned to find Ben coming through the back door. “We work together. But our daughters became friends this year. Sorry, if I had known you were gossiping about me, I would have given you a bit more time.”
He threw me a wink as he grabbed himself a beer. My heart hammered in my chest, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him as he made his way back outside to the guys. I fought, unsuccessfully, to stop my smile.
“Oh my god, he is swoon-worthy, and you are totally smitten.”
All the arguments I wanted to make died on my tongue, so I shook my head at them as I headed back outside. Let them decide what I meant.
We played cornhole, everyone joking with each other to the sounds of our kids’ laughter coming off the play set. Ben was all soft smiles and self-deprecating humor, and I found myself more charmed by the second. He shrugged as his beanbag hit the grass instead of the board.
“I never promised to be good when I agreed to be your partner,” he said across the space between our boards, and everyone joined in on the laugh.
After our mini tournament, in which we were thoroughly destroyed, we gathered around for lunch. The girls made plates, but mostly ate by grabbing a piece of food as they flew by, heading back to the slides or swings.
“It must be nice to have another single parent you are close to at work,” Kevin said. I bit my lip, thinking about the fight that started it all. Ben’s mind clearly went to the same place.
Ben looked at me with a sheepish smile. “It took us a while to become friendly. I may have been a bit of a jerk when she first started.”
“I doubt that.” Katie fluttered her eyelashes, and I fought off a scoff.
Ben laughed.
“Oh, trust me. I was. Her first week, she had to cancel a meeting with me last-minute because of a kid-related emergency. She overheard me complaining to another colleague about it. You’ve known her longer than me, so I’m sure you can imagine how that went over.”
Morgan jumped to Ben’s defense. “It couldn’t have been that bad.” He’d convinced these women he could do no wrong.
“I believe I said something like, ‘Her kids aren’t my problem.’”
“Your exact words were, ‘It’s not my job to accommodate her kids.’”
The entire group sucked their teeth, and Ben raised his hands in submission.
“How are you still breathing?” Katie asked.
I smirked. “Oh, he’s paid for his crimes.”
“I was a mess. I had gotten a call from an important client who demanded he had to meet, so I ended up having to stay late because my schedule was completely full, and I missed Paris’s dance recital. It was easier to blame the new employee who missed a meeting than to bitch about a client.”
His eyes connected with mine across the table. His desire for me to understand our first interaction from his perspective was etched on his face. Life as a single parent was hard. It was impossible to keep everything in order. What I thought was an asshole coworker talking badly about me to another colleague was a stressed-out dad, venting to his best friend and projecting his guilt at disappointing his daughter onto me. It still wasn’t a good move, but I could understand it better than most.
“But that’s all behind us now.” I smiled at him and he beamed back, taking my olive branch.
The festivities continued as the sun trekked across the sky and toward the horizon. The girls started a pickup soccer game on the side yard, until Sophie begged them to do something else. They all ran back to the play set except Clara. She kept at it, practicing some flick-up skill I couldn’t recognize from how poorly she was doing it.
Her sweet face went red as she failed for a fifth time in a row, the ball tangling up under her feet and causing her to face-plant. I started to move from my spot at the snack table but saw Ben walk over first. She popped off the ground uninjured and kicked the ball hard at the fence, her face scrunched up in frustration. She said something that had Ben’s laugh skipping over the yard, but I couldn’t hear anything else they said to each other.
When she failed again, he squatted down in front of her. I couldn’t pull my eyes away from his lips as they continued to form inaudible words. He tapped a few places on her feet and calves, then gestured for her to go again. This time, the ball flew up and smacked him right in the face. Clara’s eyes went wide, but Ben laughed again, rubbing his nose. He gestured for her to move to the side, then arranged his feet around the ball, flicking it up behind him so it flew over his head while Clara watched in wonder.
A whole swarm of butterflies took up residence in my chest while I watched him work with her, failed attempt after failed attempt, until she finally got the ball to fly over her own head and squealed in delight.
It was too easy to picture him in our home. In our life. In our hearts.
A few hours later, everyone started packing up.
“Need some help with cleanup?” Ben asked. I nodded with a small smile.
Clara, Sophie, and Paris curled up on the couch watching a movie while Ben and I cleaned the dishes, shoulders brushing as we worked. The moment was natural and domestic, at once exhilarating and terrifying.
Once everything was done, Ben gathered all of Paris’s things. He looked over at where all three girls had fallen asleep. “We should get out of your hair.”
A heavy feeling settled in my chest as I watched him, laden with his daughter’s things and ready to walk out of my door. The dishes were done. The table put away. The chairs back in their proper place. I had no other excuse to keep him here, but I wasn’t ready for him to leave.
I took a step closer. “Thank you for your help today.”
He stared into my eyes, searching for something. “We still need to talk.”
“You’re right,” I said.
My hand came up, fingertips tracing the line of his cheek, his jaw, and down to his chest. The affection in his eyes burrowed under my skin, eliciting equal and opposite reactions. It felt like a hug, one of those strong squeezes that reassure you that everything will work out. But the hope—the expectation—there still made my body freeze, a mixture of fear and guilt preventing me from taking that step.
I took in a deep breath and let it gust out of me as I dropped my hand from his chest, where his heart was beating furiously in time with mine. “Okay, we’re going to Boston in a week, and I don’t want to complicate things,” I said. “It’s a chance for me to show Eduardo he made the right choice. Can we get through it and talk when we get back? Please?”
He searched my face again, like he was trying to decide if he could trust my reason for waiting. He nodded with a sad smile and gathered Paris up in his arms.
I stood on my front porch while he loaded up his daughter, eyes fixed on the place where his car had been long after he was gone.