Chapter 33
My eyelids were made of sandpaper. I’d had at least twenty cups of water but still felt dehydrated from all the crying.
Someone knocked at the door. I blindly reached for my phone, seeing it was just before eleven. Housekeeping shouldn’t be here. I had crawled out of bed around 6 A.M. to throw the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door, then called down and begged for a late checkout so I didn’t have to leave this bed again for the foreseeable future. Our flight wasn’t until this evening, so I should have at least a couple more hours of self-pity.
“Come back later, please,” I called out as they knocked again.
“Open the door, Juls.” Quinn’s voice snuck under the door and into my cocoon, ruining all my plans.
“No,” I yelled back, slinking underneath the blankets.
“Don’t make me go down and force the poor front-desk guy to give me a key. He’ll get fired, and that’ll be on your conscience.”
I groaned and dragged myself out of the bed toward the door, pivoting on my heel as I yanked it open and headed back to my nest without sparing her a glance.
Quinn came to the foot of the bed, hands braced on her hips. “What’s all this?”
“I ended things with Ben,” I said, my voice breaking on his name. “He ended everything with Stephanie, but I still said no.”
How did I have any more tears to give? But here I was, sobbing again.
Quinn climbed into bed, wrapping her arms around me. “I’m sorry, Juliana. It hurts, but you deserve closure.”
I nodded against her shoulder, but none of this felt like closure. It felt like I was a masochist, choosing pain when I had joy handed to me on a platter.
She held me for a few minutes, letting me cry while she ran a hand over my hair and murmured soothing words.
When the tears slowed, she shifted back. “I know this is probably the last thing you want to do, but Dr. Peterson and President Munchen asked me to get you for a quick meeting.”
I hiccupped. “What? Why?”
She shrugged. “One last sales pitch? I’m just the messenger woman.”
“It’s a Sunday. Don’t they have better things to do with their lives?”
“You’re leaving tonight. It’s their last shot.”
I dropped my head back, the headboard thudding against the wall. “I can’t take the job, Quinn.”
She looked at me, her shoulders coming up to her ears in a shrug and then dropping low. “Yeah, I guessed that.”
“I’ll email them and thank them for the offer when I get home.”
She didn’t look me in the eye as she ran her hand over her pant leg, smoothing the already smooth material. “Why not meet with them? You can leave knowing that’s something off your plate.”
“They’re not going to change my mind, Quinn.”
“I know, but they’re already waiting. I’m sorry to ask, but please don’t make me go back and tell them I couldn’t get you there.”
Quinn smiled at me, the feverish look in her eyes counteracting the expression. She needed me, and helping someone else was something I could handle. Forcing my pain into a box for the sake of a loved one was probably the only thing I was capable of.
I threw on the jeans and old T-shirt I’d brought for the plane, far more casual than I’d normally show up for a meeting, but it was that or wear the same clothes I’d worn yesterday. I wrangled my hair into a high ponytail that looked semiprofessional and put on just enough makeup to cover the fact that I’d spent the past twelve hours crying.
I followed Quinn, dragging both my feet and the suitcase I had to lug with me from the hotel in case the meeting went long.
“We’re meeting them in my office,” Quinn said. “So, if nothing else, you’ll be able to picture where I am when I’m texting you.”
I nodded, my mind still locked on the night before and everything I’d given up. She kept up the chatter, filling the silence so I didn’t feel the need to.
I was still mentally back at the hotel when the elevator let us out across from her office. Quinn reached for the door handle, and sent me one last sympathetic look before pulling it open.
I was met with a mass of color. Pinks and yellows. Reds and violets and greens. Vases of tulips in every shade covered every surface. The desk. The bookshelves that lined her walls. Even the floor, except for a thin aisle leading to the middle of the room.
Leading to Ben.
I took a step backward, my body instinctually wanting to run from this, but Quinn put an arm behind me.
I turned to look at her, panic coursing through my body. “I can’t.”
Quinn sent a quick look to Ben and let the door swing closed between us. She took me by the shoulders, turning my body to fully face her. “You can. Talk to him. Listen to him. And if you choose to walk away, you walk away knowing you gave it a chance. Like I said, you deserve closure.”
“I’m not strong enough for this, Quinn.”
“Yes, you are. Now, go in there and talk to him.”
I sucked in a shuddering breath and nodded, turning back to the door.
She grabbed my arm as I reached for the handle. “Just… please don’t fuck on my desk.”
A surprised laugh burst out of me, and she smiled like she had accomplished her ultimate goal in life.
Ben was in the same spot, like time had stopped when the door had closed. He watched me cautiously as I stood on the threshold, then forced myself to follow the path on the floor around the desk to him.
He was clutching a bouquet of multicolored tulips so tightly that their stems were bent, sagging toward the floor in each direction. But he didn’t seem to notice; his eyes never left my face. I can only assume the plan was to hand me the bouquet, but he didn’t move. His throat bobbed and his grip tightened again, the tulips drooping farther.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put us through. I didn’t even realize I didn’t say it last night, until Quinn asked and then, literally, slapped me upside the head. I don’t know what will happen with us, but whether we walk out of here together or you never talk to me again, you deserve those words.”
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak.
Ben smiled, a tiny, relieved tilt of his lips, then swallowed thickly. “I asked you to be scared with me, and the first time I was tested I did the opposite of what I’d asked from you. When I said it, I was thinking about our relationship, and I had no fear. I was so certain about you it never crossed my mind that I’d be the one who got scared.
“But I forgot I’m a parent, which means I’m going to be in a perpetual state of fear for the rest of my life.”
I laughed at that, and his smile grew more genuine.
He took a half step closer to me, leaving a couple feet between us. “I want to be scared with you. To have you remind me that Paris will be fine when she drives off by herself for the first time. To wrap you in my arms after we move Clara into her first college dorm. To pace in our house together when Sophie convinces the other two to stay out past curfew for some wild adventure.”
Another laugh from me and another blinding, intoxicating smile from him.
“I want that,” I said quietly, and he stepped toward me, hope written on the lines of his face. But before he could touch me, I shuffled back, my heel tapping a vase and nearly tipping it over. “But I barely survived last time. I don’t know if I’m brave enough to be scared with you.”
He nodded, like an interviewee who’d anticipated a difficult question and had already prepared a response. “Maybe not now. I definitely wasn’t brave enough that day at the soccer field. But maybe we don’t have to always be brave. We just need to let the other’s strength get us through until we feel brave, too.
“I’ve never been part of a team, even in the beginning with Stephanie. It was like we worked at the same company but in different departments that required minimal interaction. I don’t want that with you. I want to be your partner.
“You and I haven’t had the chance to try that yet. I took it from us, and I’ve regretted it every single day. I know it’s selfish to ask you to risk it all after I broke us, but I’m here, begging for a chance to show you how good our family could be.”
He tossed the mangled bouquet on the desk, then reached over the back of Quinn’s office chair to grab a binder off the seat, the only surface not covered with vases. I eyed the spot where he held it out between us like it was a snake and moving too fast would make it strike. He chuckled and stepped closer, grasping my forearm and forcing it into my hand.
I flipped it open to find ITINERARY printed in big letters at the top.
“What’s this?” I asked, my eyes shooting to his.
“It’s called an itinerary. Like a schedule for a trip,” he said, his eyes dancing.
I shoved his chest with a laugh, and he quickly placed a hand over mine to trap it there. His gaze heated, but he just gave my hand one more squeeze and let it go.
“You know what I meant,” I said with an eye roll, even as my lips curved up.
“I’d promised Paris I’d take her on a big trip this summer. But with everything with Stephanie, I didn’t get around to it. I thought it would be the perfect distraction from whatever drama’s going to come up in the next few weeks.”
I smiled as I eyed the address near the top of the itinerary. “Paris for Paris?”
“Paris for you,” he said, and my gaze snapped up to his. “Come with us.”
“What?”
“I wanted to pick something you’d love. First, I thought Austria, but I figured you’d want to plan that trip since you want to show the girls where you studied.”
The conversation I’d had with Zac at Asia’s birthday party all those months ago. The one I gave Ben a hard time for listening in on.
“Then I thought Amsterdam to see the tulips, because, well…” He gestured around him with a little shrug. “But their festival ends in April when the fields stop blooming. I’m pretty sure I bought every single tulip in Boston to even make this work.
“Then I remembered you told Paris the girl that Paris the city is your favorite place in the world, which I’m now realizing may have been something you said to make her feel good and not actually true, and maybe this was a terrible choice—”
“No,” I said. “It’s perfect. I love Paris.”
He let out a sigh of relief, running a hand through his hair.
“But I can’t just run off to Paris, Ben,” I continued.
“I’m suggesting we all run off to Paris,” he said, stepping closer so he could flip to the next page in the binder.
Then I really looked at what was in my hands. Pages of plans. A description of the ballet currently showing at the opera house—his nod to Sophie. A breakdown of the two teams playing in a soccer game for Clara. A page about the differences between Disney World and Disneyland Paris to plan a day out there. Which actually sounded like hell but would make the girls so excited. Here was his understanding of my kids, their passions and personalities, written out in ink.
The last page had a heading at the top:
Optional—though preferable—activities
and included several romantic outings for us.
“I asked Kendall if she would come to help wrangle the kids so we could both enjoy the trip. Even if you aren’t ready for us yet, we could go as friends. Paris would definitely have more fun. And it’s a chance to get reacquainted. There are three rooms, so you could stay with your girls, and I could stay with Paris if…” His throat bobbed, like even acknowledging I might turn him down was something he couldn’t force out of his mouth.
“This is all booked?” I asked.
“No,” Ben said quickly. “Just organized. I mean, the apartment is booked, but if you don’t come, it just means Paris and I will have separate rooms. Which would be good for hiding my crying if you walk away.” He let out a little chuckle at his not-quite joke. “Asia’s on standby to hit confirm as soon as you give the go-ahead, but there is zero obligation to say yes. I mean, I hope you do, but because you want to. Not because you feel like you have to.”
“I can’t leave work right now—”
“I talked to Christina this morning and she said, if you wanted to, it wouldn’t be a problem. She thinks it would be a good chance for you to decompress before you take over.”
That’s one problem down, but I had way more on my to-do list. “It’s not just my job. We only have three weeks until all the new-school-year activities start. Not to mention all the back-to-school shopping—”
“Has already been handled. I called Gabriela after Christina and talked her into giving me the shopping lists early. I’m paying Kendall extra to go around today to buy everything while the kids are still with your parents, and it’ll be at your house, organized by class, before we land tonight. Paris and Sophie are both with Ms. Germano, by the way. And Clara got Mrs. Wahba.”
I squealed, one hand coming to cover my mouth in an attempt to muffle my reaction. “Really? She’s supposed to be the best fifth-grade teacher!”
He chuckled, his own eyes lighting up. “I know. Clara’s going to have a great year.”
“This is all… bold. What if the girls don’t have passports?” I asked with a tilt of my head, and he shook his own, rolling his lips together to hide his smile. He knew he had me.
“They do. You told me that story about having to rush-order them for your last trip right before Jason died. They’d still be valid.”
My heart squeezed, both at the fact that he recalled the conversation and at the comfortable way he brought up Jason, a reminder that he didn’t consider him a dirty secret. “You remembered that?”
He let out a gust of air, not quite a laugh. “Juliana, I remember everything you’ve ever said to me. I could fill a whole book with the sarcastic comments you made before you started letting me touch you, so I think I’d remember the things you told me after.”
“You thought of everything, didn’t you?” I stared at him in wonder.
“All you have to do is pack and show up,” he said, his eyes turning solemn. “You deserve to be taken care of sometimes. To get to enjoy what you love without having to take care of everything. I’d like to take care of it for you, if you’ll let me.”
The issues from last night hadn’t disappeared. They were there, whispering in my ear. The fear that we wouldn’t work. That our individual bravery wouldn’t be enough to get the other person through the scary days. Or worse, that we’d be everything my heart said we could be, but he’d still be taken from me.
But he was right there, beautiful and breathing, and he loved me. The earnest look in his eyes, the desperation and impatience he was trying—and failing—to hide, filled my heart so fully that the idea of not choosing it seemed impossible.
I stepped closer, leaving only inches between our bodies, and took his hand in mine. The truth of his words earlier clanged through me as I looked down at our intertwined fingers. We belonged to each other.
In such close proximity, the golden flecks in his dark brown eyes stood out in stark relief, and I made a quick wish I would get to look into them every day for the rest of my life. My hand pushed back a lock of his hair that had fallen forward, and his eyes fluttered closed. The space away from his searching gaze gave me the confidence I needed.
“I love you, Ben.” His eyes popped open, a mix of shock and joy. “I’ve loved you longer than I realized, and being away from you has been torture.”
He pulled me to him as he wrapped one hand around the back of my neck. He kissed me like it was our first and last time, like he worried I would change my mind and would never let him do it again.
Happy tears ran from my eyes as his deep kiss turned to small ones peppered all over my face.
“I love you,” he said between kisses, “and I’m going to make you so happy.” More kisses. “Every day.” Even more. “For the rest of our lives.”
I laughed, stealing his lips back for another deep kiss. I felt like I was flying as I pulled back to see him again.
“So, we’re really doing this?”
“We’re doing this. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. One more day away from you is a day too many. I want everyone to know you’re mine and I’m yours.”
“You don’t think we should keep it quiet for a while? Maybe just through the trip, to give Paris time to process that you and her mom aren’t getting back together?”
“Fuck no. I’m tired of trying to hide how much I love you. I’ve been doing it for way too long already. And Paris deserves the truth. I’m going to tell her when we get home tonight. Obviously, I’ll leave out what her mom said last night, but I’ll tell her I was already in love with you when she showed back up. If you are okay with it.”
I nodded as tears started flowing again. He kissed my tears away, and I recaptured his lips with my own, so overwhelmed with love for this man.
Three years ago, when I got the call that Jason had died, I thought my life was over, too. That’d I’d spend the next fifty to sixty years existing, supporting my kids, but alone in this world. I had shut down everything that was me in the name of survival.
But Ben still saw me. He used it to piss me off at first, sure, but he didn’t let me shrink and fade into nothing. He took those broken pieces and pushed me until I put them back together. The shape was new but perfect for us.
Our kisses slowed, and Ben gave me a lopsided smile. “We’ve still got a couple hours before we need to be at the airport. What do you say to a walk in the gardens?”
I lifted a brow. “Alternatively, I did set up late checkout at the hotel, so…”
He barked out a laugh and grabbed my hand, towing me toward the door. “Yeah. Decision made.”
He plowed past Quinn, hollering a thank-you as he swiped my bag from her grip.
I laughed as I tried to pull him to a stop. “What about all the flowers? We can’t leave Quinn’s office like that!”
“I’ll give them away to people around campus. Call them gifts from KMG,” she said with a giant smile.
I threw her a quick “You’re the best,” my feet never slowing as I worked to keep up with Ben’s long stride.
We spent the next hour thoroughly relearning each other’s bodies, every dip and curve, rediscovering exactly what it took to push the other over the edge. I had to practically drag Ben out of the room with the promise that he’d be back in my bed as soon as possible.
We cuddled up in the back of the cab on the way to the airport, just like the first time we left Boston. Except this time, we didn’t have the dark cloud of secrecy hanging over our heads. Ben absentmindedly played with my hair while I snuggled deeper into his side.
“This trip will be our final test, won’t it?” he asked. “Can we make it a whole week in close proximity without me pissing you off enough to restart our war?”
“Unlikely,” I said, tipping my head in time to catch the flash of his smile before he schooled his expression. “Probably should call the whole thing off.”
“How about a truce instead? Just for the trip.”
I tapped my chin as I hummed thoughtfully. “Fair. But I can only offer you that week, nothing more.”
He leaned down, chuckling against my lips as he kissed me because he knew I was full of it. I was offering far more than a week. I was offering him forever.
And he was damn sure going to take it.