Chapter 36
HANNA
Hanna let out a shaky breath. Dinner had started and there was the expected small talk, Diana and her mother, Mary, doing most of the talking, though it did sound forced, and for whatever reason Maggie seemed subdued—all joking aside, maybe Maya and Lily were on to something?
— and it was no surprise that her father wasn’t doing much talking.
Hanna really thought he’d married her mother partially so he wouldn’t have to.
Hanna thought Lily and Maya were quiet in solidarity.
Around the table, she and her parents were on one side, with Maggie, Maya, and Lily on the other and Diana at the head.
Lily sat closest to her mother. There was no way to even reach out and touch one of her girls under the table for fear of accidentally reaching her foot out and touching Maggie.
How mortifying that’d be. Then again, Hanna wasn’t sure she’d notice, as Maggie was staring down at her plate of untouched food.
Hanna decided she wasn’t missing much. Diana was a vegetarian and a bad cook — a lethal combination in the kitchen.
Hanna shoved a piece of what looked like charred eggplant into her mouth and began to chew.
Her mouth felt dry from nerves, and that only made the food move around like sand paper.
When she went to swallow she choked, and to quell her coughing fit she took a sip of her Blake Cider.
The sip helped, but before she put the bottle down she thought, fuck it, and downed the rest of the relatively full bottle in a gulp.
The motion momentarily slowed her mother down from whatever she was going on with Diana about. “Hanna?” came her mother’s voice, and she could hear that she was taken aback a bit.
“Mom, Dad, I’m bi,” Hanna blurted out. From the corner of her eye, she saw Maggie's face jerk up and felt her gaze. The table went silent.
“I’m sorry?” her mother finally said.
Diana said, “Good for you, kid.”
“I’m bisexual. I like–men and women, and more?” Hanna didn’t know why she was asking a question.
The table was once again quiet.
Hanna looked up at her girlfriends without a clue what to do. She knew her face was crimson and air didn’t seem to quite make it to her lungs, even though she was taking deep and rapid breaths.
“Um, I’m pan, pansexual,” Maya announced to the table.
“All of the above, right on! I myself have been dabbling in my fluidity again recently,” Diana said to the whole table.
Lily turned to look at her mother, and then shook her head and looked back at Hanna.
Hanna couldn’t look away from Maya and Lily.
“I’m very gay,” Lily announced proudly, picking up her bottle and holding it up in a cheers. Diana clinked her glass and then so did Maya, who turned to meet Hanna’s eyes and burst into laughter.
Lily began to laugh, and so did Diana.
It was contagious, and Hanna found herself laughing too, not even from relief at finally saying it out loud but from the sheer ridiculousness of the situation, and the love and gratitude she felt towards her girlfriends who were being there for her in the best way.
“Well then, congratulations ladies, but I already knew about you, kiddo,” Diana said, taking Lily’s hand and giving it a squeeze. “Came out to me and my sister back in—what was it, seventh? Eighth grade? We took her out to celebrate,” she continued, like it was the most normal thing in the world.
Suddenly, Hanna remembered she’d only gotten half of it out. “Um and Lily, I’m dating Lily, and Maya. I’m dating both Lily and Maya. We are together. The three of us.”
Silence returned back to the table, until Diana said nonchalantly, “Triads are poly on hard mode, but y’all are young.”
“Hanna?”
She turned to her mother this time and forced herself to meet her gaze. “Yeah Mom?”
“So, you’re–so you’re interested in girls? But Jeff—”
“Boys, girls, and well, I’m bisexual.”
“Okay, and so, what, the three of you are–together?”
Hanna turned to look at Lily and Maya, who looked at her as they nodded.
Mary let out a little laugh. “Is this real?”
“Yes, Mom, I’m moving with them to Providence, they’re who I am moving in with.”
“I knew based on your chart you’d be a U-Hauler,” Diana said to Lily.
“You can’t, I mean, come on, is this why you are holding off on med school? To play out some fantasy?”
Her mother’s words sent ice down her spine, and she could feel her eyes sting with the threat of tears. “It’s not a fantasy, Mom,” Hanna said quietly.
“Well then what is it? I thought you had a plan, and now your plan is—” her mother couldn’t seem to complete sentences. “Is that why you brought us here? To tell us all together?” She looked around the table.
Hanna fixed her eyes on her hands in her lap. Finally she heard her dad say, “Mary, I think it’d be best to—”
“I’m just trying to understand. My daughter got into Tufts, she volunteered at our church, she got great grades, graduated summa cum laude for crying out loud, was going to be pre-med, and all of the sudden, she starts hanging out here at the Do Whatever You Want and Live However You Want to Live Orchard and telling me she’s bisexual — okay, but this?
” From her peripheral vision, Hanna could see her mom was gesturing towards Lily and Maya, “Going to forgo med school to live in, what? A brothel—”
“Mary!” Her father’s voice was a volume she’d never heard before. It was enough to make her look up again, eyes full of tears that began to spill over.
“Listen Mary McAvoy, I do not care what you say about me and how I run things, but you will not talk about my daughter and who she decides to love this way.” Diana’s voice was low and cool, something Hanna had not heard before either.
“Hanna.” Hanna looked up at the sound of her name and found Lily’s eyes. “Come here,“ Lily said, getting to her feet.
“Hanna,” her mother warned.
Hanna pushed back from the table and walked over to Lily, who pulled her into her arms.
“We love your daughter,” she heard Maya saying. “We are in love.” Hanna heard Maya stand and then felt her warm hand on her back. That’s when she broke. She turned her face into Lily and began to cry.
“Hanna,” she heard her mother almost hiss.
Hanna was able to pull together her composure just enough to say, “It’s true Mom, I love them, they’re my future too. I’ll still go to medical school if it still feels right, but loving them isn’t throwing my life away, it’s making it better.”
“Are you not going to say anything?” Mary turned to Maggie, who hadn’t said a thing.
“I love my daughter,” she said weakly and shrugged, “but sure, this is super surprising.”
Mary scoffed and then looked at Diana. “Well I don’t expect you of all people to do anything, probably your whole lifestyle dragged these girls into this —”
“Be very careful what you say next.” Diana’s voice was even lower and left no room for games.
Mary swallowed. “Well, I —”
“I think we best get home, have a sleep, and talk about this when we have had a chance to process.” Hanna’s father grabbed his wife’s arm as he stood from the table. “Hanna, we will see you when you’re ready?” He let go of his wife and walked around the table.
Hanna felt Lily’s arms grow tighter around her, but when her father got to her, she turned slightly away from Lily to face him.
He gave her a small smile and then put his hands on either side of her face and kissed her forehead.
“I’ll talk to Mom. You’re our baby girl,” he whispered and then turned to join his waiting wife.
“You really have no issue with this?” Mary said, glaring at Diana.
“In this economy? A three-income household sounds like a good idea,” she said, not looking at Mary and instead giving Hanna a wink.
Mary sputtered, “Of course you haven’t changed since high school.” She walked off, her father following silently, something sad in the way he moved.
Hanna felt Maya hug her from behind, and she allowed herself to be squeezed by her lovers.
After a moment Diana spoke again, “Listen here kiddo, Hanna, what you just did was very, very brave. It takes guts to do what you did. You are welcome to stay here for as long as you need, even if you need to stay till moving day, okay?”
Hanna nodded. She was beyond being able to talk, the tears fighting their way out of her.
Diana must have gotten up from the table because the next time she spoke she was closer but just as loud.
“Look, there is never a right time. For whatever reason, big or small, some people go their whole lives not being true to themselves, and it eats away at them. You get to choose love, you get to choose freedom. It may feel like shit now, but I promise, that choice is a gift.”
And with that, Hanna let go and wept.