Chapter 37
MAYA
Maya wanted to cry too. She wanted to hold on to Hanna and fix all the pain inside of her, having watched everything Hanna had feared come true. Well, almost. It was clear that it wasn’t so much the bisexuality that unnerved her mother as much as the fact that she had two girlfriends.
They were still in the Blake’s yard. Lily had taken Hanna to the treehouse, and Diana had disappeared somewhere inside the main house. Now it was just Maya, standing in the evening light watching her mother, who sat at the table as if she were afraid to move.
“Mom?” When there wasn’t an answer, Maya started to worry.
This whole time they had been so focused on supporting Hanna, and Maya never considered that this was the first time her mother was hearing about her relationship.
Having so readily accepted her pansexuality, she’d never even considered her mother wouldn’t accept her polyamory.
She cautiously pulled out the chair next to her mother and sat down, angling her body towards her mom, who almost imperceptibly turned towards her. “Mom?”
“Hey bug.” Her mother hadn’t used that nickname in years. Not even when she had told Maya about the divorce.
“Mom?” Maya tried again. “So, are we, is this ok?” She wasn’t really asking permission, but she didn’t really know what to ask because she was unsure as to what the issue was.
“I uh, didn’t know, didn’t realize,” Maggie began.
“Didn’t know what? That I also date women?
I told you I am pan,” Maya said. She hadn’t been shy about her crushes on celebrities of many genders.
Her mother had never said anything; her dad every now and then agreed or disagreed with her, but no one had ever told her that her sexual or romantic interests weren’t okay.
“I guess, well, there were just boys in high school,” her mom said.
“Well I am pan, so I am attracted to people.” Maya spoke slowly at first, trying to reiterate some definition of pansexuality in case her mother had been unclear. “That includes all genders, though admittedly there are challenges with cis men,” she joked to try and break through the tension.
“Is that it? You can’t find a good guy to date?” her mother asked.
Disbelief slammed into Maya. “What?” she said dumbly.
“The reason…never mind,” her mother cut herself off with a sigh.
“Mom, I am not into women because I can’t find a good man. I am not even into Lily and Hanna because they’re women. Like I said, I am into them because they are them.”
“I see,” her mother said plainly, and then she finally looked up into Maya’s eyes. Maya saw desperation there and maybe something like shame. “Is this, did I do this to you?”
“Mom what are you talking about, what are you trying to say? You don’t like that I’m not dating a guy? Or is it that I am dating women?”
“Well, this is certainly layered. There were only boys in high school so I just assumed– I mean, your generation has all these trendy names.” Her voice fell again and she dropped the sentence.
Maya couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Her mother, who had moved away from this small town and married a Black man, even though she knew what that would mean. “Pan isn’t a trend or something fleeting—”
“I didn’t mean—” her mom began, but Maya kept going.
“There are some things that have always existed, but we didn’t have the vocabulary for them.
Just because language has finally caught up and there are words to describe things doesn’t mean they’ve been forced into existence suddenly.
Rocks don’t exist because man suddenly came up with a word for them.
” Maya felt impatience slip into her tone.
She couldn’t believe she was having to have this conversation now, with her mom, while Hanna was falling apart.
She took a moment to be briefly thankful that they did have Lily, that they had the three of them, so someone would always be there for each of them.
“Hanna,” her mom began slowly, “I’m sorry, that isn’t what I meant. Look, I’m not upset; I’m just processing. Okay, so two women at once? Are you lonely? I know the divorce was a lot.” Maggie swallowed, “I was a lot.”
Her mother looked down then and Maya reached to gently grip one of her forearms. Her mom looked up with tears in her eyes.
“Mom, please listen to me carefully. I fell in love, okay?” Maya said clearly and calmly.
“When?” Maggie’s voice came out as a whisper.
“After last fall, we all kept in touch and hung out over winter break and spring break and, well, it just sort of happened. Okay? This didn’t come from something ugly, I am in love, it’s really beautiful. I need you to understand that.”
Her mom nodded and smiled weakly. “I just don’t want life to be any harder for you than it has to be. People won’t understand…I don’t even know if I understand.”
“Mom, I am a Black, queer woman in a country that loves to remind me it doesn’t care.
Shouldn’t I be holding onto all of the love and positivity I can?
Life is too short not to.” Maya gripped her mother’s forearm a little tighter.
“I am in love, and I am loved, really loved, how is that something to be worried about?”
“I just want you to be ok,” her mother breathed, turning fully towards Maya and squeezing Maya’s hand.
“I will be, okay? I trust them, and I have you and Dad, right?”
“Yeah bug, of course you got us, we love you, I love you. I just need to process and adjust, okay?”
Maya smiled weakly and leaned in to hug her mother.
“How did you get to be so brave?” her mother said over her shoulder.
“I don’t know, how about you? Leaving this town, marrying Dad?”
Her mom weakly chuckled. “Well, look at how that worked out, trust me, I am not as brave as you. I wanna be you when I grow up.” They both laughed, even though Maya could see they both were crying.